Carmen's POV

Exams. They're not as daunting to me as they are for a lot of students, since I usually spend all of my free time during the semester studying so I don't feel the need to cram when the time comes to right the test. My father used to send me study schedules in high school by the month from wherever he was so he could still have some sort of influence on my grades, and I actually stuck to them. I learned good things from that man.

We have classes run until the end of the first week of december usually, however the days end up falling. This year exams run from December 8 until the 20th and for those two weeks and all of winter break I will be staying at my Dad's place. We have the gym booked for practice still, but Austin says we only have to come if we have time or need a study break. School comes first. Living with the girls during these times is never a good thing; they don't take it seriously, and there are still parties on the weekends and lots of drama to deal with. I'd rather hide out at my Dad's place until the new semester begins.

"Harry, quit it!" I reach across the table to put my hand over his, which had been incessantly tapping his pen. He smiles.

"Someone's grumpy," he says. I roll my eyes and lean back again in my chair.

"I'm not grumpy, you're just incredibly annoying."

"Well I'm bored of studying." He shuts his books. "We've studied a ridiculous amount of time. I never study this much for exams and I always do pretty good on them, so I think we should do something else."

"I have my first exam in two days, Harry. And it's stats. You can do whatever you want, but I need to study."

"Carmeeeeeeeen," he whines. I continue doing the problem I was working on and he stands up. "Please?"

"Don't do it." He walks around the table to me and I know he's going to pick me up or something else annoying. Harry just laughs, but his hand covers mine that's holding a pencil.

"I'm just helping. You're doing this one wrong."

He starts writing with my hand and eventually just scribbles over the page. Despite myself I laugh, but my elbow goes back into his stomach. His other arm wraps around me and he tears the pencil from my grip.

"Harry, I'm serious," I say, trying not to laugh. My arms are trapped by him.

"Sure," he agrees. He suddenly moves beside me and slides one hand under my legs, lifting me right out of my chair.

"Put me down!" I whine, kicking my legs. He makes a tisking noise at me and shakes his head.

"Don't yell, now. The neighbours already don't like us."

"They don't like you," I remind him as he drops me onto the couch. "Mrs. Turnbull always makes me muffins."

"I like muffins."

"Yes well, I don't think she'll be making any for you." I try to sit up, but he sits where my head was and puts his arms around me so I can't go anywhere. "Harry," I laugh, "I seriously need to keep studying."

"I've overseen your studying and I think you're more than ready," he says simply. "Let's play Wii."

"No."

"Oh, you're going to play Wii with me. And you're going to like it."

"How do you even have friends?"

He laughs and I finally give up, laying down so my head is on his lap. As nonchalantly as possible of course, and picking at my nails so I don't see him staring at me the way he always does. When I agreed to forgive him last week- well, forgive him for something he didn't really do- I thought it would be a little easier since he gave me all the assurances I could possibly need to know that he's going to stick around. But knowing that only terrifies me more, if that's possible.

The problem is that when he's not around I miss him. It's really annoying to be so scared of someone but to still want to be around them all the time. I'm not sure my relationship with Harry is healthy, but it's all I have, all I can do at this point. Part of me feels guilty for putting Harry through all of this, but it's his choice. If he wants to quit he has the right to do just that. Sometimes I wish he would.

"When is your dad coming home?" he asks, picking up a strand of my hair and twisting it around his finger. I shrug.

"He hasn't called in a while so I'm not sure what his plans are. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't come." When Harry doesn't say anything I look up at him. His lips are set into a tight line and his forehead is wrinkled adorably. "What?"

"So you'll be alone for Christmas?"

"I spent it with Liam's family last year. He said I could stay with them again." The sadness on his face is almost cute. "Harry, it's fine. I'm used it. We just celebrate when he can come home, it's not a big deal."

"It sucks," he says quietly. I shrug again.

"I'm used to it."

"Well, what about your mum?"

I immediately sit up and stay facing away from him for a moment. The fact that this hasn't come up is surprising to me, so I expected him to ask about her eventually. Even if I expected it, I still don't know what to tell him.

"She umm..." I stand and walk towards the kitchen. "She passed away."

Harry remains silent as I start taking out the pans to make us something to eat. My heart is hammering in my chest, waiting for some kind of response to make that answer fall apart. Instead, after a minute his arms wrap around me from behind, his face against the back of my head. His warm breath against my neck makes goosebumps raise on my whole body.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. I just shake my head. "I shouldn't have asked."

"It's fine," I assure him. My eyes close, relishing in his embrace. As much as Harry terrifies me, I love having him close like this. He's much more hesitant this time around; I think in the last week and a half he's kissed me on the mouth twice. Usually he just sticks to my cheek or my forehead, and when he does kiss me for real it's short, simple. I'm going crazy. It makes sense, though, that he'd want to take it slower this time for his own protection I guess. I do miss kissing him.

"What should we eat?" I ask, my voice shaking. He sighs and his arms leave my waist, arms slowly moving up and down my arms.

"Whatever is fine," he says quietly. His face moves forward, his lips against my cheek. "You're okay?"

I nod and he kisses my cheek gently before stepping back and going over to the fridge. The reality that Harry deserves the truth, deserves better than me, weighs heavy on my chest. He's so loyal and honest with me and I expect that from him, so why don't I expect it of myself? It makes me uncomfortable to know I could lie so easily to him and he'd believe me.

The lack of conversation that happens during dinner and while we clean up dishes only leaves me to think about this even more. The kinds of things you're supposed to expect from a relationship, like honesty and trust, aren't the kinds of things I'm all that good at. Harry is just the opposite, everything is just so easy for him. The last week has been a constant battle, really, trying to decide whether or not it would be a good idea to put him through this. If it works out then great, but the odds of that are slim. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.

"You're so quiet tonight," Harry says, bumping his hip against mine.

"Just thinking," I reply quietly. I hand him another dish.

"About what?"

I shrug. "Just stuff."

He sighs but doesn't ask me any more questions. He's learning not to push me, and part of me is thankful but the other part of me is worried about that. He didn't always let that stuff go, he'd make me talk to him as a way of showing me I can trust him, I guess. He doesn't anymore and it feels like a bad sign.

When everything is put away again I go back to my books, which were moved to the coffee table in the living room so we could eat at the kitchen table. Harry sits next to me on the couch, but he doesn't open his books or anything. He just sits next to me, arm behind me while I sit forward over my textbook. I know there's something on his mind, and I wish he would just come out and say whatever it is instead of just watching me. It makes me feel on edge.

"Do you want me here?" he asks suddenly. I turn around to look at him, confused by his question.

"What?"

"I know I've been here a lot, but if you want me to go just say so."

The harsh tone behind his words is surprising, and it takes a minute for me to able to respond. When I don't say anything he stands up, leaving his things on the table and reaching for his phone and keys.

"Harry, wait," I call, following him to the door. He stops and half-turns. "Do you want to leave?"

He scoffs. "No, Carmen. I really don't. But I clearly upset you or something because you've hardly said two words to me in the last hour. Was it what I asked about your mum? Because I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"

"Harry, stop." I walk towards him and his shoulders slump in a defeated way that makes my heart hurt. The way he looks at me, the softness in his eyes and the vulnerability he shows me is incredible. "I'm sorry. I'm not upset with you."

"You're not?" I shake my head.

"No."

He relaxes a little. "Then is something wrong?"

"I just..." His eyes search my face and I want to unload everything I'm worried about, but I don't know if I can. "I'm just stressed."

After a few seconds he seems to accept my answer, and he takes my hand in his to lead me back to the couch. When I reach for my textbook he flings it off the table and closes the rest of my books, setting all my notes and other things on the ground on the other side.

"What are you doing?" I ask, smiling a little. He sits down beside me again and turns on the TV.

"We're de-stressing," he says simply. He turns on the DVD player and plays the next episode of Friends we hadn't watched yet.

"We need to study," I remind him. He puts his arm around my shoulders and drags me down to lay beside him so I'm stuck between him and the back of the couch.

"You've studied more in the last week than I have since I started school. I think you're ready."

"Do I need to remind you how bad I am at stats?"

"No, you do not. But if you don't know it by now then it's hopeless anyway."

I laugh. "Wow, thanks for the boost of confidence."

He chuckles and puts his arm that isn't behind me behind his head so it's hanging off the couch. One of these days I'm going to count all of his tattoos. There are probably so many that I haven't even seen yet, and the thought of finding new ones is actually kind of exciting. I've never wanted to know everything about someone the way I do with Harry.

He starts laughing at something on the show and it makes me laugh too, even though I have no idea what he's laughing at. He's got such an adorable giggle-type laugh and it reminds me of a little kid. His fingers move lightly up and down my side, slowly but surely lifting my shirt as well. Skin against skin, sure to raise goosebumps and distract me from anything else going on.

"Harry." He slowly looks at me, our faces quite close. He reaches towards my face, moving some hair back from my eyes. "Do you miss home?"

"With the boys? Not really, they get annoying sometimes."

"No," I laugh. "I mean your home. Back in England."

"Oh." He looks up at the ceiling and sighs, then shrugs a little. "I guess so. I don't really think about it too much."

"Are you excited to go home for Christmas?"

He looks at me again. "It'll be nice to see my family. Why?"

"Just wondering." I rest my head against his chest again and he breathes deeply again. "What's it like there?"

"It's colder than here. And it rains more."

I laugh. "Most people know that about England, Harry." He laughs a little and there's a few moments of silence before I speak up again. "Where are you from?"

"A little place in Cheshire," he says. "Holmes Chapel."

"What's that like?"

"You're so curious right now, it's confusing." He laughs and I wait patiently for him to answer my question. "It's umm..it's really small. Lots of old buildings, I guess. There's this like field thing with a little stream and stuff that I always used to go to."

"Sounds incredibly boring," I tease. He laughs again.

"Yeah, I guess. It's nice, though. I like it there."

"Then why come here?"

"I thought it'd be fun. Get away for a few years, see something else. Louis convinced me, really," he explains. "He said it'd be fun to go to school with the five of us and stuff, so I figured I might as well give it a try."

"And you like it here?" I ask quietly. I never gave Harry not being American too much thought, but it's actually a big deal. When he's done school he'll probably go back to England, and I know it's way in the future and not something to worry about, but what would I do if he left? There's not much holding me here, but could I move to a different country?

"Yeah. I like it." He shifts a little and tries to look at my face. "Where's all this coming from?"

"I was just curious." I yawn and move down a little further to get in a more comfortable position. "You never talk about home."

"Seems like there's more people I care about over here." I look up at him and he combs his fingers through my hair again. "Makes it feel like this is home."

I can't help but smile, even though I know he isn't just referring to me. I'd like to think I'm one of those people, though, and to have someone care about you that much is a really overwhelming feelings, since it's something I'm not really used to. He leans down to kiss my forehead at the same time I tilt my head up to kiss his cheek, and when our noses bump he laughs at the pink in my cheeks.

"Can I ask you something?" I murmur. He nods. "Why don't...how come you never..."

"Carmen," he prompts, crooked smile breaking through. "What?"

"You never kiss me anymore," I say quietly. His smile fades.

"What?" he chokes out.

"Nevermind." I try to sit up but he pulls me back down.

"Don't run away from me," he says gently. I prop myself up on my elbow and fiddle with the collar of his flannel shirt. "You know I want to kiss you, right?"

"Not really," I laugh. He raises his eyebrows.

"Carmen, trust me I do. But since what happened I just wasn't sure..." He takes a deep breath and laughs a little. "I didn't want to push anything."

"You'll know if I don't want to do something," I remind him. He laughs again.

"Yeah, that's true."

His fingers trail up and down my back and I wait for something. He usually instigates this kind of stuff so I don't have to, and now that I even brought it up and he still isn't doing anything...it's a little strange. For Harry, especially. Eventually I can't help but roll my eyes.

"Okay, okay," he says, laughing again.

He puts his hands on my hips and pulls my body on top of his. His movements are painfully slow, and before he gets the chance I press my lips against his. There's nothing playful, only desperate and needy movements and in what could have been minutes or hours my heart is racing and I can't breathe and my whole body feels like it's on fire. Harry's hands slide under my shirt and over the clasp of my bra, and for some reason it makes me shiver. They slowly move down my back, over my hips and past my backside. His hands hook behind my legs and he brings my knees to either side of him. When he sits up my hands press against his chest, strong underneath my palms as he brings us into a sitting position. We've gone from barely having any contact to this, and now I feel like my heart could explode out of my chest.

With shaking hands I move to undo the buttons of his shirt. His grip on my thighs tightens and it might be a warning gesture, but I keep going anyway. Harry pulls me closer again by my back and my hands move over his chest, down his sides and over every part of his stomach. I want to memorize every part of him, and when a low moan leans his lips my insides clench.

He starts kissing down my neck and my hands knot into his hair. I can't remember the last time something felt this good. Like...ever. His mouth lingers on one spot just under my jaw and after a moment I wince. A fucking hickey, really?

"Thanks for that," I joke breathlessly. He laughs a little and I put my hands on either side of his face, reattaching our lips and pulling myself closer to him. He puts his hands on my waist and pushes me back a little bit.

"Hang on," he breathes. I brush my fingers through his curls, pushing them back from his face and he closes his eyes, leaning his head back against the couch.

"What?"

"I need a minute." He smiles lazily and looks up at me. "I'm not used to this anymore."

"Kissing?" I laugh.

"Kissing you." He fiddles with the bottom of my tank top of pulls it down so my stomach isn't showing anymore.

"Well there's only one way to get used to it."

He laughs and I link our hands together, holding them between us. Suddenly Harry's eyes go wide and he gets a panicked look on his face.

"Holy shit, I missed your birthday!" he exclaims. "Wow, I suck. Okay, we're going to have a party and I'm going to get you tons of presents and-"

"Stop." I cover his mouth his my hand. "I don't celebrate my birthday. It's fine."

He lifts my hand from his mouth. "You don't celebrate your birthday? What does that even mean?"

"It's not a big deal to me. My Dad is never home for it so we combine it with Christmas usually. Liam took me out for dinner and Ivy and Louis came."

He closes his eyes. "Fuck. I'm so sorry, I wanted to do something for you and-"

"Harry, it really isn't a big deal. Besides, you and I weren't even speaking when I had my birthday. It really doesn't matter to me, and I'm not just saying that. I have banned people from buying me gifts, anyway."

"You're so strange, but okay. Can I at least take you out for dinner?"

I sigh and he smiles widely, flashing his teeth and dimple and trying to look cute and definitely succeeding. I can't help but laugh. Who could say no to him?

"Fine, but after exams are over. It'll have a dual purpose."

"How efficient." He rolls his eyes but smiles nonetheless. "As long as we go before I have to go home."

Nodding along with his request I try to imagine being here when Harry isn't. It's strange; I spent a year here not knowing he even existed, but now that he does it's like I don't want him to leave. Ever. Is that extreme? Probably.

"How long are you gone?" I ask. He smiles.

"Why? Are you going to miss me?" I fall off of him and onto the couch, covering my face with my hands. He laughs and lays over top of me, prying my hands from my face and kissing the tip of my nose. "You're allowed to miss me."

"Who would miss you."

He rolls his eyes. "Okay, fine. If I admit it will you?"

"Admit what?"

"That I'll miss you." My face flushes. "Because I will."

I laugh nervously and fiddle with his collar, his buttons still undone from earlier. "I guess I like it better when you're around."

He smiles and settles for my answer with a kiss, and I know that I could have said a lot more. I'll miss him like crazy, so much that I don't even want to think about him being gone. Not having him or my Dad around...I can't help but think that maybe that hole in my chest might come back without either of them to hold me together.

Notes

finally right? this is kind of a connecting chapter, something simple before their break kind of thing. got some plans for me story ;)

anyway i hope you guys like it :)
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