"Mummy, mummy, mummy, mu-"

"Sophie, I'm right here," I say as calmly as possible, exiting the bathroom and walking to my bed where she's playing.

"Cookies?" she squeals.

"No, Sophie. Daddy is bringing you dinner, remember?" I sit beside her and she picks up one of her toy horses. "He'll be here soon."

"Daddy bring cookies?" she asks happily.

"I don't know," I laugh. "Maybe."

She continues playing and I leave her playing on my bed while I finish getting ready. Madison is taking me out for drinks with one of her friends. Harry doesn't know I'm leaving yet, but I'm sure he'll be fine when I tell him. Things have been a little...tense between us lately. Tense is one way to say it. Awkward is another. Sexually frustrating a third.

It's been almost three weeks since I ended things with Harry so he could sort everything out. I don't want to be apart from him so much, and Sophie knows something is wrong. She gets fussy when she doesn't see him for a few days since she's not used to that anymore. Hell, I'm not used to it anymore, I want to see him all the time. And when I actually do see him I can't do anything with him because he needs to know that I'm standing firm on this. When he's out of the fighting thing and we're all safe then we'll see what happens.

For right now, it sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks. Big time. I love him and I love Sophie and I want my family more than anything in the world, but he's making it so hard. I hate it so much but I can't hate him. That would probably be easier, if I could hate him, but I can't. No matter how hard I try- well, if I was really trying. I don't want to hate him. I don't know, it's all very confusing.

I hear a thud from the bedroom and as soon as I turn around the wails start. Sophie is laying on the floor with tears already forming as her cries only get louder. When I get to her I scoop her up in my arms and she nestles into my shoulder while she continues to cry.

"Shh," I soothe, my hand on the back of her head. "You're okay, Soph. Did you fall?"

"Yeah," she whimpers.

"Did you hit your head?"

"No," she wails. "I fell my arm."

"Aww, that's okay, baby. You're okay."

I bounce her slightly in my arms and slowly her cries get quieter. As I'm turning in a slow circle I notice Harry walk into the doorway, concerned lines on his forehead. There's no hesitation as he walks right up to me and as soon as Sophie notices him her arms are held out for him.

"What happened?" he asks, rubbing his hand up and down her back.

"She fell," I tell him. "She was playing on my bed, she must have been trying to get down."

"You're okay," he says gently. He kisses the side of her head and then smiles at me. "Hi."

"Hi."

"You look nice," he says. "Is there...are you going somewhere?"

"Yeah, I forgot to tell you. Madison and I are going out."

"You're going...I just got here."

"I know," I agree, walking back into my bathroom to finish my makeup. "You can stay here with Sophie."

"So you just assumed I'd babysit?"

"It's not babysitting, Harry. She's your child."

He lets out a frustrated sigh and steps up beside me. "You can't be serious."

"What?"

"You're actually leaving?"

"It's one night, Harry. It's really not a big deal," I say tiredly. Sophie is always with me now, and I know that was my choice but that doesn't make it any less exhausting.

"I know, but...I hardly see you," he says quietly. My eyes remain on the tube of mascara in my hand.

"You're not here to see me," I remind him. Without looking at him I already can picture the hurt on his face. "You're here to spend time with Sophie."

"That's shit," he says quickly. My eyes snap to his and he scratches the back of his head in an embarrassed way. "Sorry. Savannah, you know I'm not just here to see Sophie. I love spending time with her, you know that, but I want to see you just as much."

"Harry-"

"I know, you don't want to talk about this. But it is what it is, you're the two most important people in my life. Ow!" His hand goes up to his head and he pries Sophie's fingers from his curly hair. "Soph, don't pull Daddy's hair."

"Daddy play," she says, pointing to the bed.

"Okay." He walks out and sets Sophie on the bed by her toys. "I'll come in one minute, okay?"

Harry walks back into the bathroom, our eyes locking in the mirror. He knows exactly what to say and how to act to make my heart melt, to fade any resolve I have for enforcing what I think is best.

"Stay with me," he says quietly. My eyes shut briefly and I try to walk away, but he takes my hand in his and pulls me back. "Please?"

"Harry, please don't," I plead softly.

"I'm only telling you something you already know." His body moves a little closer and I'm unable to move, completely taken in. "You know that I love you."

"Harry-"

"I know why you did it, I do. But...we're going to end up together anyway. You know I'm doing everything I can to get out, but I miss you so much. Both of you."

"I know." I miss him just as much.

"Then why can't-"

"Please, Harry, I can't do this right now," I whimper, stepping away from him and walking out of my room completely. I've been so overly emotional the last few weeks. The last few months just feel like an emotional mess, one that my life will never allow me to end. Sometime it has to get easier, right? It can't always be this hard to be with the person you love. Harry and I both deserve to be happy, I don't know why things always have to be so hard for us.

---

"Savannah, this is a girls night out!" Madison says happily. "You never get time to yourself, have a drink!"

"Really, I'm okay. I don't want to be mixed up when I get back to Harry."

"That's no fun!" her friend shouts. She downs her millionth shot and grabs mine and Madison's hands. "I love this song!"

I don't dance. I don't really drink, and I don't go out. I'm a mother, I don't think you're supposed to do any of that stuff but here I am, trying to forget about Harry and have a good time. Something in the back of my mind is keeping me from doing that, though. I'm not sure what, but for some reason I can't bring myself to have a drink.

Regardless of my sobriety my hips move to the music and I let myself get lost in the song for a minute or two. I might be a parent, but I'm allowed to have fun, right? Sometimes it's okay to forget about my problems at home and just have fun.

If only it were that simple.

---

"Okay," I laugh, pulling Madison's friend back into the cab. She stuck her head out the window for some reason and Madison, also quite intoxicated, found it hilarious. I needed a night out and I have to admit, even without the alcohol it was really fun to hang out with people my own age, to do something I would be doing if I'd never had a baby. I love my baby, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it just feels like I skipped a whole part of my life, though. Nights like this remind me that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

"We're here!" Madison shouts when the cab pulls up along the curb. The girls both giggle like crazy while we're in the elevator, and when we get up to Madison's apartment we all collapse in the living room. Her friend is asleep in minutes and Madison is just staring at me.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing. Most people wouldn't go out drinking with their boss," she says thoughtfully, leaning her chin into her palm.

"We're friends, though. Right?"

"Yeah!" she says excitedly. "So, as your friend, how is Harry?"

"Harry..." I take a deep breath. "Harry is the same."

"Still broken up?"

"Yeah." Madison knows that I ended things temporarily, but she doesn't know all the details. The last thing I need is that getting around work or to my mother.

"Hmm. You know, when you refused to drink tonight I thought maybe you were pregnant," she says, laughing at the insane thought. Completely insane.

"That would be crazy," I laugh. "Can you imagine?"

"It would be adorable," she coos. "Sophie is like, the cutest baby ever!"

"Yeah, she's not a baby anymore, though. It's so sad, she's practically a teenager."

"You've got a few more years. Seriously, though, you and Harry make great babies."

"Just one baby," I remind her, laughing at how bold she's being right now.

"You should have another one!" she yells. She claps her hands excitedly and a nervous laugh follows from me. "Oh my gosh, that would be incredible!"

"Mads, no."

"Yeah, it would fix everything."

"No," I laugh, standing up from the couch. "It really wouldn't."

"Wait, wait! I have to ask you something."

"Okay."

"Do you know if Zayn is seeing anyone?"

"What?" She looks up at me with hopeful eyes and I have to make an effort to respond. "Zayn Malik? The designer, that Zayn?"

"How many Zayn's do you know?" she jokes.

"Right. Umm...no, he's not. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend recently," I say reluctantly. Why is she interested in Zayn? And why does it bother me? "Do you...like him or something?"

"I don't know. I mean, obviously he's gorgeous," she says, looking up at the ceiling. "But he'd never go for me and it's be so weird since we work together. I'm babbling, ignore me."

"I think I'm going to go," I say, walking towards the door. "Thanks for tonight, I had fun."

"Yeah! We should do it again."

The entire cab ride home my mind is racing. Madison and Zayn, me and Harry, wondering how I could be missing Sophie this much after just a few hours. Should I be discouraging Madison and Zayn? We all work together and it could be a potentially awkward situation, and that's the last thing I want in my company. Obviously it's purely for professional reasons.

When I get back to the apartment Harry is asleep on the couch with the television still on, lights dancing across his face. After I've gone to check on Sophie he's still asleep, so I decide to just leave him for the night. One night won't hurt anyone. He seems to be all I can think about; being with him takes up most of my thoughts, and it's so hard since I have no idea when we'll be able to be together again. I want to say that I don't trust him after all of this, but it's built into the code of my DNA or something because no matter how hard I try, I just have to trust him. He's made mistakes, sure, but so have I and he never holds onto them. Why wouldn't I show him the same respect?

What Madison said...something about it was exciting. Harry is my future, I know that, and it's so exciting to think about the possibility of expanding out family. I'm not sure how many kids I'd want since they were never in my plan anyway, but two or three might not be so bad. But there's no way I'm pregnant now, we always use-

My toothbrush clatters against the sink when it drops from my hand. My eyes are wide, staring at myself in the mirror. I can't remember...when Harry brought me lunch that day at the office and we snuck off to a supply closet, I can't remember if he ever put on a condom. I'm not on birth control because my body could never adjust and it made me really sick, so we just stick to that. But that day...

No. I'm just being paranoid. Harry is responsible and even if I don't remember it happening I'm sure he put one on. He had to.

Right?

Notes

:O

thoughts?

thanks for reading :)