A solid three minutes have gone by in silence, my stance not changed at all while I wait for him to say something. Anything. Anything is better than this silence, this loud silence that lets my brain run wild with insane excuses and explanations, each one more concerning than the last. I wish he would just put me out of my misery, but he doesn't appear ready in any form to speak to me. It's annoying.

"Harry, say something," I say finally. "You wanted to explain, and I'm giving you one chance. I would take it if I were you."

"I don't know where to start," he says. He paces a few times, his fingers pushing his hair back from his face.

"Start with how the hell you got involved in illegal street fighting!"

"It's...it's complicated."

"It's complicated?" I fold my arms and try not to yell, my two year old daughter just meters away. "I catch you fighting in front of a crowd in some sketchy-ass building and all you have to say is that it's complicated?"

"No, I-" He sighs and finally stops pacing. "That's not what I meant. I just don't know where to start."

"Well figure it out in the next ten seconds or your ass will be on the street."

Harry takes a deep breath and leans against the island on the opposite side of where I am. He stares blankly at the counter for a few seconds and closes his eyes briefly before he begins.

"It started about eight months ago," he says quietly. "A guy I work with at the gym came in to train and invited me to watch him fight, said he thought I'd fit in well there. I wasn't sure if I understood what he actually meant, but I got it as soon as I got there. He kicked the shit out of some guy and everyone went crazy for it. He told me that a lot of people place bets and the winner always gets a cut of the profits. Usually it's at least a few hundred dollars, sometimes over a thousand."

"People bet on you?"

He nods. "I said he was crazy, obviously, and that I would never do it. I couldn't hurt someone like that, not willingly and not for money."

"Obviously something changed," I accuse sarcastically. He sighs again.

"About two months later I was...low on cash. I wasn't getting any clients at work and rent on top of food and everything for Sophie was getting too much, so I was desperate. He showed up a few days later at the gym and I said I'd do it once or twice, just for the money."

"You...are you fucking kidding me?" I spit. "Harry, how many times did I offer to help you? Do you understand how stupid that is? I could have...I'm so mad at you right now."

"I didn't want your money," he continues. He walks around the side but stops far enough away that I can't slap him. "We weren't together and as petty as this sounds, I couldn't have your father thinking the money he gave you was being spent on your worthless boyfriend that couldn't even support his family."

"So instead of shoving your pride up your ass like you should have you started fighting people? That makes sense, what with you having a daughter and all. Actually, you should have just started selling drugs. That would-"

"I don't need you to tell me it was stupid," he says angrily, cutting me off. "I should have just asked for help, but I didn't. Let's not dwell on it."

"I can guarantee I'm going to dwell on it."

"Anyway," he says pointedly, "The first few times it was easy and the other guy usually gave up before I could do anything bad. I made about a thousand and I was ready to get out, but the fucker who got me involved in the first place failed to mention that it isn't quite that simple."

"What do you mean?"

"You can't just get out. People bet on these fights with a lot of money, and when there's someone that wins a lot that person becomes worth a lot more to them. That person became me. I didn't lose after four fights and that rarely happens, so I became the major interest. I got a lot more money for it, but I didn't have a choice. I had to keep fighting."

"What happens if you stop?" I ask, my anger slowly mixing with confusion and downright fear.

He shrugs. "I'm not sure. Nothing good, I know that. They'll probably give me a good beating of my own or..."

Chills ripple down my spine as I finish that sentence for myself. If Harry is worth as much as he says he is, these lowlifes probably wouldn't react very well to him just walking away from the business. As angry as I am at Harry, I don't want him to get hurt. My daughter needs her father.

"I can't risk you getting hurt," he says quietly. I turn and lean back against the counter, staring at the wall while endless possibilities run through my head. "If they found out about you or Sophie...I don't know what they'd do, but I can't let that happen. I know how to get out now, it's just a matter of time."

"How?" I whimper. "Harry, you put us all at risk here. What if Sophie...how could you do this?"

"I'll protect you and Sophie with my life, you know that," he says lowly. I know he would, and I know that he can, but I don't want him to have to. He put us in this situation.

"How are you getting out?" I ask quietly.

"I have to...the only way to get out is to lose."

My eyes rush to his and I know there's already tears in them from the weight of this conversation, but this last piece of information is the tipping point. There's a mixture of fear and regret and love and sympathy swirling in his green eyes, and I honestly have no idea how to feel.

"What?" I whisper. "Lose as in..."

"I have to let someone beat me," he explains. "But they all know I don't lose...it has to look real or they'll figure it out. Even when I do lose, I'm going to have to be careful for a while because they're not going to be happy about that. I can't just lose the next young fuck that shows up, it has to be someone that really could beat me."

"That's insane," I scoff. "You can't be serious."

"Unfortunately, I am. If I lose I'll be old news and I can stop showing up without anyone caring."

"They're still going to care! If you're worth that much they're still going to be pissed that you lost!"

"I know that," he says. "But what other option is there? There isn't one, unless I leave New York altogether, but we both know that's not going to happen."

"Yeah well, you'll be lucky if I let you see Sophie at all after this."

Harry's eyes go wide and the amount of fear that has taken over his entire being is shocking to me. "No, no, Savannah that's not- you can't. I need to...she's my...I have to see her, she's-"

"Harry, relax," I breathe, placing my hands on his arms.

"You can't take her from me," he says powerlessly. "I know I deserve it, I know that. But I...she's my entire world, Savannah. I love that little girl, you know how much I love her."

"Harry, what if they find out you have a daughter? What happens to her?" My throat tightens at the thought of someone hurting my child. "I'm sorry, but being with you is a danger to her right now."

"Please," he whispers. "Please, don't."

"I can't let something happen to her. Harry, I would never forgive you for that. This...maybe we could get past this, but if it resulted in Sophie...I would never forgive you. As long as you're doing this, she has to stay here. You're a risk to her, Harry."

"No, I'm not. Savannah, I would die before I let anything happen to her."

"I know," I agree, smiling sadly. I place my hands on either side of his face and the desperation in his eyes is heartbreaking. "But I can't risk that, Harry. You can come see her here, but...that's all I can do right now."

"I can still see her?"

"Yeah. Sophie shouldn't have to suffer because of this."

I can see him recoil from my words and I feel bad for hurting him, but it's not my fault he did this. Whatever he suffers from this is his own fault and as much as I hate this, I have to make sure my feelings for him don't affect my judgement. This is a dangerous situation that he's put as all in.

"And what..." He swallows and places his one hand over mine, the other resting near my elbow. "What about us?"

My eyes drift closed to try to stay calm, to not break down and cry right now. After everything we've been through a large part of me believes we can get through this too, as long as he gets out. But the other small part of me wonders how much I can really take. I love Harry more than anything, except Sophie, but there's only so much a girl can take.

"I love you," he says quietly. His forehead rests against mine and I relish in the musky scent that flows from him. My throat tightens and when I don't respond he exhales a shaky breath. "Savannah, I love you. I can't lose you, not again."

"Then find a way to get out." My voice is shaky and it won't take long for me to start crying.

"Savannah, I don't...I don't know when that's going to happen."

"Harry, that's all I can do right now," I whimper. "I love you, but I'm not doing this. I can't be okay with this. It's...it's too much, I'm sorry, it's not-"

He suddenly kisses me and instead of pushing him away I'm pulling him closer. I don't want this to be the last time, but if it is then might as well make it count, right? I can feel how much he's pouring into this and I'm completely willing to accept it. He presses my hard up against the counter and my hands fist the front of his shirt to keep him as close as possible. The feeling of his lips moving against mine, of how easy it is to kiss him is something I'll never get over. Loving Harry is easy as breathing, kissing him too; yet he still manages to make my heart race in ways no one else ever could.

"Harry," I mumble against his lips. He pries his lips from mine and takes a deep, shaky breath.

"Don't," he whispers. He shakes his head and my chest tightens.

"You should go."

Those words hang between us like lead and after an impossibly long time he nods. I can see his eyes glistening and it breaks my heart, but if he knows how hard this is for me then he'll know how easy it would be to convince me otherwise.

"Can...can I say goodnight to her?" he asks tiredly. I nod and he sighs, his fingers brushing against my cheek.

When he finally walks away from my I collapse against the counter for a moment to try to catch m y breath. The pressure on my chest is unbearable right now; everything feels like too much and it's going to be impossible to try to drag myself to work tomorrow. After all of this I never want to let Sophie out of my sight again, so I have no idea how to bring her to daycare.

A few minutes later I walk out into the living room. Harry is standing in Sophie's doorway, just standing there staring at her with the saddest look in his eyes. When he pulls the door shut I can tell he's devastated, but he's trying hard not to show it.

"When can I see her?" he asks quietly. His hands slide into his pockets.

"I don't know." I walk towards the door and pull it open. "I'll just...I'll call you. We can work something out."

"Okay."

There's not point in trying to smile; I couldn't even if I wanted to at this point. Harry stands there for a moment before he slowly starts walking towards me. This is it.

"Savannah," he says when he's beside me. I allow myself to look into his beautiful green eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

Notes

shorter than i normall do, i know. im sorry. but i wanted to get this chapter up before i go away for the weekend since it's been a while since i updated.

sad :( stupid harry.

please let me know what you think :)