Can We Fall One More Time?

I tried to steel myself. It wasn't working very well. The knot in my stomach clenched more and more the closer Drea and I came to the autograph line.

She had the “Up All Night” album—which finally came out of my car—in one hand and her live tour DVD in the other. I honestly flitted in and out of the room as she watched it—I couldn't bring myself to see that face anymore than I already had, those sparkling green eyes I saw every single time I looked at my daughter, those dimples, those curls. I had seen him more than enough on TV. And now I was about to see him in real life for the first time since that night. It had been only been two years and ten months, but he had gotten so freaking fit since then—he was attractive before, but when he was 16 he was just adorable, now, he was all kinds of sexy, that baby face becoming a man's, those curls longer... I couldn't. I was collapsing right now.

I knew Drea would be disappointed in me coming this far only to not meet One Direction, but... seeing him, even with all the heads of teenage girls in front of me, my heart was beating so fast in my chest, from all the emotions at once—the nerves, the fear, but the underlying attraction that I couldn't deny was still there.

For whatever reason—okay, so to me it was because she somehow knew they had a connection, even though I knew that was impossible—my daughter had taken the most specific liking to Harry. He was her favorite. Maybe she didn't know, but somehow that biological connection came through. “'Arry!” she would squeal and point at the TV when she saw him. “Look, Mommy!” I never wanted to look, I always tried not to, but I would just sort of smile sadly and say, “Yeah, baby, I see Harry.” Really my heart was breaking for what could never be.

He wouldn't recognize me. He came into contact with thousands upon thousands of fans each day, not to mention all the girls he's undoubtedly slept with. Plus, it was dark, it was dark that whole night. Maybe he got a glimpse of my face in the light of the bar, but he was drunk, and after that... It was dark, on the dance floor, in the bedroom...

I drew in a deep breath. I looked down at Drea, who was bouncing on the balls of her feet, and I plastered on a fake smile for her. “It's One D'ection, Mommy!”

“I know, baby, and you're about to meet them!” I picked her up and put her on my shoulders so she could see them. She gasped in delight. “'Arry!” she cried, but couldn't point with her hands full. “I know, baby.” I thought I was about to cry, so I bounced her on my shoulders, reminding myself this was all for her, so she could have the best life possible.

So she wouldn't be so screwed up like her mother.

The line, for once, seemed to go faster than lines usually did, and I was unstable. Why. Why couldn't this line drag on forever like most. I would have been so so grateful. I knew with all of the antics of the fangirls, and each of the boys taking time to sign their merch, I knew it was taking long. But the impending doom of what I was about to do made it seem like no time at all.

I let Drea off my shoulders as we neared the front. “Here, hand me these.” I knew she'd want to shake hands with and possible hug all the boys, so I took her CD and DVD. I figured they'd probably all hug her if they, like most, couldn't resist cute cute toddlers.

This was it. This was the moment. “'Iam!” Drea screamed, jumping up and down. Liam Payne was first.

“Hullo,” he said, with a huge smile and eyes only for Drea. “Aren't you adorable!”

“Would you mind signing both?” I asked, handing him the things. “Drea's a huge fan.”

“And you're not?” he smiled as he signed them.

“Well, I mean, not compared to her.” I laughed, a little fakely, trying to keep up my cover. I couldn't be a fan. I had to hate them. Well, him. Liam seemed like such a genuinely nice guy, so adorable.

“Thank you,” I said, and Liam reached down and took Drea's little hand in his own.

“Nice to meet you,” he said happily, and Drea jumped up and down some more.

Liam handed the things down to the next boy, and I was hardly paying attention. There was a wooshing sound in my ears as all the blood flowed straight to them, because I saw Harry at the very other end of the table, smiling absentmindedly—those stupid dimples—as he waited for us to reach his end and the line to move along.

All of the boys fawned over my baby girl, who tended to teeter often since her little legs weren't very strong. Zayn was nice enough, Niall laughed and laughed saying, “Awww, you are so cute!” in his Irish accent, and finally we reached Louis. Second to last. Harry's best friend in the world, I knew (there was even some “Larry Stylinson” bromance the fans were privy to).

“Hello there, love!” Louis said perkily, taking Drea's hand. Now I couldn't take my eyes off of Harry, no matter how much I wanted to. He was smiling crookedly, watching Drea take Louis' hand and try not to fall backward, laughing as Louis stood slightly to try and sturdy her.

How could he not see the resemblance? I wondered. She looked just like him. If she had even a single trait from me, I had yet to see it. She was a carbon copy of her father. He had to see it, if not him then surely Louis or any of these boys who knew him better than anyone. Maybe he was in denial, or not looking at her closely enough. Especially with her standing so close to him, it was impossible to miss.

Him. She was at Harry now. Me behind her.

“Wot's your name?” he asked her.

“D'ea!” she replied. She pointed at him. “'Arry!”

He laughed. “Yes, I'm Harry!”

He stood, shocking me, then came around the table and lifted her into his arms. My mouth was frozen in an O. He sat back down behind the table, setting Drea on his lap.

“Her name's Drea,” I finally choked out, in case he hadn't understood.

“Is she yours?” He looked up briefly from signing her things. Drea had a hand in his curls, and he reached over and tugged at one of her braids. I shouldn't have hid the curls like that, I thought. Then it would have been really obvious.

“Yes,” I whispered. SAY IT! I yelled at myself. TELL HIM! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF WHY YOU CAME! JUST SAY 'AND YOURS,' SAY SOMETHING, ALYSSA, COME ON!

Harry stood again, spun Drea around once in the air, then walked around the table to stand in front of me. “We may have to keep her,” he said, tickling her. She giggled excitedly. He really would make a great dad, I said to myself, then stopped that train of thought. Don't even go there, he's too busy and too young for that, maybe someday, but he's not ready now.

“Agreed,” Louis piped up from behind the table. “She is such a doll.”

“Here you go back to mummy,” Harry said, handing her to me.

“Thanks,” I whispered again.

“Oh.” He twisted around and picked up the autographed things. “Here you go, love.” He handed them to Drea, since my arms were full with her. He spoke pretty much just as slowly when sober, I finally realized, not that'd I'd been wondering all this time, minus the slur.

“Bye!” he waggled his fingers at her and she twisted in my arms, giggling some more. He stood up straight, and I knew he was making his way back behind the table for the next wave of fans.

Now. Last chance. Tell him now.