There’s a numb in my toes
Standing close to the edge

The next couple of weeks were a blur for Lara. Acutely aware that Harry was about to embark on a world-wide tour that would leave her all alone, made her feel a rush of fear that she could not shake off. Once upon a time she had comfortably lived alone, attending school and working. Now, the very thought of not having someone to be with, frightened her to the core.

Study had fallen by the wayside and before she knew it, she realised she had missed more classes than she had attended. Since moving in with Harry, James had significantly cut down on her shifts when it became clear she was not motivated enough to attend work on a regular basis. Lara knew that financially, Harry was able to support her, but the thought did not comfort her.

“Let me pay my way.” Lara would tell Harry. She had always paid her way, even during her darkest days of living with Ben.

“Why don’t you just concentrate on school for a while?” Harry said gently.

But it was hard. Now that she felt completely comfortable with openly exposing her dark side to Harry, she found herself falling into the depths of an addiction which she could no longer control.

Allowing Harry to be a part of it gave her a sense of comfort. He made her feel that it was okay.

Louis called her often. There were times she did not have the energy to speak to him and would let her phone ring out. There were times when he’d invite himself over and before she knew it, they were both hunched over the white lines.

“You don’t have to.” Lara would tell Harry, who hovered in the background. But he would invariably join in, and Lara would feel a surge of guilt. He had always been a recreational user; drugs were never something he needed to survive.

“Don’t worry about me.” Harry would say. “I can take it or leave it.” Over the years, the band had inevitably encountered drugs at various parties or events, but apart from Zayn and Louis, drugs had never played a huge part in their lives.

The date of his departure began to loom, like a dark spectre that would not go away.
“I wish you could come with me.” Harry told her. “Maybe you can fly out for a couple of gigs. Ever wanted to go to Australia?”

The thought momentarily excited her, but she was unable to focus on the future. She was too preoccupied with the present. The fix and the high was all she could think about.
Sex had always been their refuge, and now they were seeking it more and more. Lara was beginning to notice however, the difference in Harry, when under the influence. There was now a distinct edge to their relationship that scared and thrilled her all at the very same time.
His kisses were harder, his caresses were rougher and she would try to match him kiss for kiss, their lovemaking now turning into a fight for dominance.

One night she had attempted to reach for her stash of cocaine on the bedside table, only to have Harry pull her back onto the bed.

“What are you doing?” He murmured as he kissed her.

“I just want some…” Lara replied, her outstretched arm still reaching to no avail.
“Leave it.” Harry said nipping at her neck.

“But I want it.” Lara persisted, pushing away only to feel Harry’s weight upon her, restricting her from moving. “Harry, please.”

Harry shook his head as he grabbed her hands and placed them above her head.

“Why now? Why can’t you just wait?” He said. “Why not just be with me?”

A few tense moments passed as Lara glared at him, struggling under his strong grip. He let go of her hands and flipped her over, pulling her up so she was now on her hands and knees. Harry roughly pulled down her underwear and let his hand gently run over her skin.

“Harder.” Lara said softly. She could feel Harry pause for a moment before raking his fingernails over her. A couple of quick slaps to her backside and he then plunged into her, not allowing her to adjust to his size.

“Like this?” He said and she nodded as her head bowed forward from the force.
She didn’t know why she wanted it or why she allowed it. She only knew that the harder he fucked her, the more she forgot about her problems. That way she could only focus on the pain and not have to think about how much of a failure she had become.

“Like that.” Lara half murmured to herself. She could feel his fingernails digging into her hips as he thrust into her over and over, the burning sensation making her wince in pain.

“Does that hurt?” Harry asked.

“No…” Lara said through clenched teeth. She was so weak in every other aspect of her life, that she restrained herself from crying out in pain. In some ways she thought she deserved it. Lara could feel Harry throb inside her and it wasn’t long before he breathlessly climaxed before collapsing on top of her.

“Turn over.” He said after a few moments and she did as she was told. “I wanna make you come.”

“Harry, you don’t have to.” Lara said, feeling sore and more than a little sorry for herself.

“You know what Lara?” Harry asked, pulling himself to his feet. “I remember the girl I first met… the girl who just wanted to be with me.”

Lara thought back to the fresh faced, innocent girl who had met Harry all that time ago. That girl had experienced all her firsts with him. First kiss, first sexual experience, first heartbreak. Lara snapped back to the present to see Harry watching her with a sad expression.

“Well then. Look at you now.” Harry said.

Lara looked up at Harry quizzically and followed his pointed gaze, down to her fingers which were now coated with white powder. She realised she had instantly reached for the cocaine the moment Harry had let her go, dipping her fingers and then absentmindedly licking them.

Harry shook his head before leaving the room.

“Yeah look at me now.” She echoed softly.

An hour later Harry had not returned to their bedroom and Lara had blown through all the lines on her own. Three hours later she had fallen asleep on the couch, when she heard the front door click open. She half opened her eyes to see Harry walk in with a sombre expression on his face.

“Where were you?” She asked.

Harry placed his keys on the table and turned to face her.

“We need to talk.” He said seriously.

“What about?” Lara asked, sitting up in anticipation.

She watched Harry take a deep breath.

“I don’t think this is going to work out.”

Notes