Think of
How much
Love that's been wasted.

“I live with Ben.” Lara said softly. “Harry, I still live with Ben.”

She could hear him breathing (or was it static?) and then suddenly there was silence, as if the line had gone dead. Lara checked her phone to see that he had not hung up but when she placed it to her ear again she heard an intake of breath.

“What did you say?” Harry asked, although it was clear from the tone in his voice that he had clearly heard her.

“I still live with Ben.” Lara said. “Harry I’m sorry.”

“Sorry about what? That you lied?”

The line was suddenly crystal clear and Lara opened her mouth to speak to find she had no words.

“Can you hear me?” Harry asked.

“Yes.” Lara whispered.

“So what you’re telling me is that you’ve been living with Ben the whole time we’ve been going out?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“So you fucking lied instead.” Harry said and each word seemed to punch her in the ear.

“I knew you’d be angry… I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“Well you’re right… I don’t understand.” Harry spat out.

“After we broke up I didn’t have anyone, except for him… Harry, I didn’t have anywhere to go.”

“We all have choices Lara.” Harry said impatiently. “And don’t think for a minute that I don’t know you’ve been wasted half the time. I’m not stupid.”

Lara fell silent again, not knowing how to respond. Had Louis told him? A surge of anger was quickly replaced by a feeling of hopelessness.

“You think I haven’t noticed? Every time I call you seem to be high on something.” He said.
“You think I didn’t figure out why you’ve been hanging out with Louis so much?”

“Listen Harry-“Lara began.

“No you listen.” Harry’s voice grew louder. “You’re always acting like you can’t trust me, but why is it that I trust you and I get fucked over every time?”

Lara listened quietly but her mind soon raced ahead, trying to devise an explanation, trying to anticipate his next accusation. She was so deep in her own thoughts she didn’t hear him at first.

“Did you fuck him?”

It sounded as though it was the second or third time he had asked, because there was a sudden edge to his voice.

“What?” Lara murmured.

“Did you fuck him?” Harry repeated. “Did you fuck Ben?”

Moments passed and when Lara did not answer Harry hung up.

Harry didn’t call her back and she had not tried contacting him either. She knew he was still on a promo tour and was probably not even in London. And as much as she ached to speak to him, she also felt the real fear of having to face him. She had spent so much time hating the uncertainty Harry seemed to put her through, that she had never really thought about the lies she had fed him.

Lara mechanically went about her life the next few days, studying, attending classes and fitting in as many shifts at the café as possible. She had decided she needed to pay Harry back for the California airplane ticket, but between paying for rent and paying Ben back, it was proving to be harder than she had thought.

The days were fine. She bustled her way through work and school, not really taking things in but at least going through the motions.

It was the nights that were the hardest.

Late at night these thoughts seemed to crawl into her mind and haunt her until she fell asleep. And then even her dreams were fitful pockets of sleep that seem to end with a close up vision of Harry’s nervous face right before he had said “I love you.”
Ben seemed to sense a change in Lara and they’d find themselves lying on the couch night after night doing line after line of coke. Plied with alcohol and anything else she could get her hands on, Lara found herself sinking into a deep hole.

“Is there no fucking escape?” Ben moaned one night. Lara opened one lazy eye to see Ben gesturing to the television. She heard the voice before she could focus on the face. It was Harry being interviewed along with the other boys on a US talk show.

“What a douchebag.” He muttered as he listened to Harry talk about their upcoming album.

“When I think about the way he treated you I just want to…”

“Treated me?” Lara questioned, twisting to look at Ben. She could feel his arm snaking around her waist as they lay on the couch.

“You know… like you were his little lap dog or something.” Ben said.

Images of Louis’ smirking face flashed in her mind.

“Who brought the lost puppy?”

“So the little puppy found its way home again”

The thought that another person also shared the same view irked her. Why was it that nobody had faith in a relationship between herself and Harry?

“He treated you like shit, remember?” Ben told her. “Or have you suddenly forgotten everything?”

“He did not.” Lara mumbled half to herself.

“Like hell he didn’t! He led you on, thinking he was interested in you and then fucked you over big time.”

“He said he loves me.”

“He said what?“ Ben’s eyes suddenly narrowed as he examined her face. “When did he ever tell you that?”

“Just the once.” Lara said softly unable to meet his eyes. They widened when she felt Ben’s hand close over her wrist.

“I asked you a question.” He snarled. “When did he ever tell you that?”

“I don’t know!” Lara cried, attempting to shake his hand off.

“Have you been seeing him?” Ben said the words slowly as though he was processing the concept at the very same time.

“No.” Lara said, her voice high pitched and unconvincing.

“Bullshit. Something’s going on… you’ve changed these last few months… you’re always missing, I never know where you are.”

Lara attempted to rise from the couch but was pulled down by Ben. He held her down, his face hovering above hers, flushed red, his eyes full of anger.

“You are seeing him, aren’t you?” He yelled. “After all I’ve done for you, you end up running back to him.”

“What you’ve done for me?” Lara screamed back. “All you’ve done is turn me into someone I hate!”

“You’re going to blame me for that?” Ben mocked. ”You’ve done that all on your own baby.”

Lara could feel the fear rising within her as his hands closed over her throat.

“Let me go… you’re hurting me.” She gasped.

“Not as much as you’ve hurt me.”

X

Lara’s eyes fluttered open only to instantly shut again at the brightness of the room.

“Harry.” She murmured and she heard something rustle nearby. “Harry.”

Lara slowly opened her eyes again and turned her head slightly, taking in her unfamiliar surroundings. She could have sworn she had been lying on the couch at home, with Ben sitting across from her. They had been getting high, and she had been soaring before the arguing had started. The rest was a blur.

“Harry.” The name spilled out of her mouth involuntarily. Her eyes focussed on a figure in white at the end of the bed, and she realised it was a nurse peering back at her. She saw the nurse’s mouth move but could not hear her words, before she closed her eyes again.

“Not here… parents overseas…”

“Contact somebody… phone…”

She heard snatches of conversations but did not dare open her eyes, preferring the darkness of sleep. Wherever she was now, she was safe, and that’s all that mattered.

Lara wasn’t sure if it was hours or days later, but she found herself swallowing thickly as she woke yet again. Her head felt heavy and she licked her parched lips, only to feel a glass press against them. Lara eagerly gulped down the water before blinking up at the person standing by her bedside. It took a couple of blinks to fully register the sombre face that regarded her.

“You’re coming home with me.” Harry said.

Notes