Study of Life and Love

Voices murmured around me while Ed strummed his guitar in the backroom of the radio station. I stared at his fingers as they moved expertly over the strings. He didn’t flinch or hesitate; everything flowed freely and perfectly in total confidence and perfection. It was beautiful, like an art painting to gawk at.

“Indi?”

I glanced to my left noticing Nick standing there, he wanted my attention. I wasn’t sure if I had the energy to give it to him. Ed stood up and left the room, with his guitar. I watched it go, sad that the moment was over.

“We should talk.” Nick crouched down beside me so we were eye level.

I looked away, my eyes stung.

“Indi, please. You’ve been sitting here so quiet and it’s freaking me out.” Nick persisted.

I heaved a sigh and shot him an annoyed look. “You and the whole campus know everything Nick, don’t pretend you don’t.” I hissed at him, focusing my eyes down at my hands that piled in my lap.

“You’re right, we do. I heard exactly what Zayn said, because he’s an idiot. But I would like to hear it from you and I think you should tell someone. Or it will eat you up inside. Trust me, these secrets only hurt you if you don’t share them.”

I closed my eyes tightly, wishing I could close my ears. I could hear the sympathy dripping from his voice and it only made me want to cry. I didn’t know what to do with it all.

“He wasn’t always bad.” I flinched as my voice cracked, tears leaking out of my closed eyes.

“Hey, hey,” Nick’s warm hand touched mine and I opened my eyes to be met with his kind eyes. “Of course he wasn’t. He was your father, right? You loved him.”

I nodded quickly, of course I loved him.

There was a tentative knock at the door and Harry stood there, his smile drawn down. “Sorry guys, but Nick we need your help, there’s a bit of an issue.” Harry looked so apologetic and I smiled at his sincereness.

“It’s okay. Go,” I nudged Nick. “I have a late class I need to get to anyway.”

Nick hesitated and Harry walked off, his feet hitting the ground softly. Nick sighed and shook his head, pulling his long legs up so he towered over me. He reached down and offered me a hand up.

“I should become a counselor and get paid for what I have to go through will all of you. God knows why you would want to be in a sorority or fraternity. Harry’s moping just as much as you.”

I grinned. “I’m not in a sorority.”

Nick snorted, “you keep telling yourself that.”

I rolled my eyes and left the station heading across campus to a late lecture. I didn’t always go, preferring to do it online because of the late hour but the distraction would be welcome today.

There were a few people in the room when I arrived and gladly took a pick, seating myself in a corner, on the far side from the door. I sunk myself down into the chair and took my time pulling out my book and grabbing my favourite pencil. Caydance was normally in this class but I doubted she would come. It was weird how easy it was to fall back into being alone. Caydance and her friends hadn’t always surrounded me and it was time I welcomed the solitude back. I didn’t need loudness around me at all times. I only had a little bit longer to go and then I could be gone, out of this place and away from everyone. Away from Zayn.

Zayn.

There was an ache in my heart, it clenched on every beat when I thought of Zayn, Zayn who I missed but God was I angry. So angry.

The noise level around me had barely risen and I glanced at the people who filled the lecture. It was odd, disconcerting that so many people were so quiet when the lecturer wasn’t even hear yet. I swear I could hear a pin drop.

I caught the eye of the closest person next to me, there were five seats down from my chair. The moment our eyes met he quickly looked away, practically flinching. I frowned, and noticed the circle of empty chairs that were practically around me. No one would sit any closer then the guy to my lift and he looked like he was regretting that decision.

I turned my attention to the door and noticed every person come in the room, eyes searching and the moment they looked in my direction their conversations stopped, elbows were dug into the sides of friends and everyone pretended to not be looking at me while trying to discretely discuss me.

Of course they all knew. Zayn caused a scene in the middle of a public area where students were lying around and studying. No one missed that fight and then I confronted Zayn just as publicly in front of King’s house surrounded by other houses that would have spread the fight just as quick. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole University with it’s fourty-five thousand students knew.

I couldn’t do it. There was still five minutes left of the class. I tucked my unpacked book under one arm and grabbed my bag. I regretted sitting on the opposite side of the room to the door now that I had to rush down the stairs and across the front of the room, in plain site.

The lecturer walked in as soon as I reached the door.

She looked worried for the brief moment my eyes met hers before I rush out through the door and didn’t look back.

I felt like there were eyes on me everywhere, eyes boring holes into my skin and words burning through my ears and into my brain, scarring my senses.

There was itchiness under my skin and I scrubbed my arms hard. My mind was a mess and I had no idea where to go. I made it around a corner before my bag fell from my shaking hands, books spilling from the opened zip. A sob almost escaped my mouth but I held it in, closing my eyes and leaning back against the wall for a moment. I could do this.

“Hey, you need a hand?” Sidney’s voice reached into the darkness and I blinked my eyes open, staring at her in surprise.

Her eyes were soft and she threw one look over her shoulder before bending down for my books. I turned my head and met familiar brown eyes. My heart jumped and my whole body ached. There was a tingling in my fingers like they were so used to reaching out and grabbing and they didn’t understand that we couldn’t do that anymore.

Zayn turned and walked around another building, disappearing from my sight without another glance.

“Come with me, I have somewhere we can hide. “ I let Sidney pull me back through the crowds of people; everyone’s faces and voices just a blur of images.

Until suddenly they all disappeared and Sidney tugged me through an overgrown pathway that would have been invisible to anyone who didn’t already know it was there.

It opened up into an area that consisted of picnic table and bench seats. Sidney dropped our bags on the table and sent me a smile. I took a deep breath and let the calmness wash over me.

“How did you find this?” I asked, curious.

Sidney shrugged and looked around her. “Stumbled across it in my first year. So did Louis. It was how we first became friends, and now as far as I know, only Louis and I know about it. Well he’s the only one I ever run into while being here.” Sidney sat down on a seat and patted the spot next to her. “You’re more than welcome to use it.”

I took the seat and smiled at her gratefully. For the first time in a long time I felt secluded. They didn’t seem to be anywhere I could run to in this place but here seemed like the one place where I could hide.

“Zayn still cares about you, you know. That’s not going to change because you had one fight.”

“He assaulted my dad.” I reminded her, voice firm.

“And you’re going to be angry at him for that?” She asked, clearly not believing I should be.

I hesitated, I understood why they thought he deserved that, but he didn’t. He’s been through enough. My whole family has and he doesn’t need his life to get any worse. I told Sidney that much.

Her head cocked to the side and a frown etched across her face. “Caydance mentioned something about your sister being in a car accident. Is that what all this is about?”

“Rose,” I said immediately, eyes filling with painful images of my older sister. “Her name was Rose and he didn’t drink before hand. He never raised a hand against us, before. He blames himself and it wasn’t his fault.”

“Do you wanna tell me about it all. Maybe I could understand more.”

I’ve never wanted to talk about it but sitting here with Sidney offering so ready I felt myself, for the first time, aching to tell someone.

“I was fifteen and Rose was eighteen. She had just graduated school. She’d been accepted into this university, actually, wanted to be a teacher. She would have been great at it. Always so good with explaining schoolwork to me. The most patient girl you would ever meet.” My eyes filled with tears remembering Rose. I looked up to her. I wanted to be her.

“We were leaving the shops one day and it was raining hard. Just the usual storm of the season. You could still drive enough, plenty of people were. It was nowhere near flooding and we were only ten minutes from home.

I remember arguing with Rose about the music. I wanted to skip the song but she refused. She didn’t even like the song she just wanted to play it because I hated it.” I laughed, I was crying by now, tears uncontrollably streaming down my face.

“I didn’t even see anything. Dad said later on that it was an animal. I never saw it but we swerved, hard. I remember the seatbelt jamming me back against my seat. Rose and I were screaming and the car spun. I couldn’t see anything and it all happened so fast. I remember a jolt and then nothing.

I woke up the next day in hospital. I barely had any injuries other than a concussion. The seat belt had left a mark across my chest and throat and a few bruises in different places around my body where I had smacked against the door and the seat in front. Dad was a bit worse. He had a large gash over his head and shards of glass on his hands where the front window screen had caved in.”

I paused, taking a deep breath.

“The didn’t tell me about Rose. Mum was too much of a mess and I never once thought she was dead, you know? You don’t think about that. Your sister doesn’t get to die on you, so young. But she did. The tree that we hit sent a tree branch smashing through a windscreen and she was impaled instantly. She died out while Dad and I were unconscious. We got to sleep while she bled to death.”

Sidney’s hand touched my arm and I felt it all coming back. The pain as Mum explained what happened. The guilt.

“We argued about the front seat. It was supposed to be my turn to sit in the front but she ran there and climbed in. God, I was so angry with her. I remember complaining to Dad but he didn’t care so I sat in the back fuming when it was supposed to be my turn. And if she just let me have that seat then I would be dead right now, not her.”

“It’s not your fault, Indi.” Sidney said softly, her eyes trying to meet mine. I looked up at her.

“It’s not my Dad’s either but he still blames himself.”

Notes

Sorry guys. Days flew pass me and I didn't realise I was due for an update? Had a big assignment and have been focusing on it so much I completely missed when this was due. My fault! :D This one was a shorter chapter but it was emotionally heavy so I didn't want to add a lot into it ! We finally get the full store of Indi's sister! I feel like I really dragged that out :P