A/N: I swear there's a chapter written under this, but hear me out.
There's going to be one person offended that I wrote this chapter, and I'm pretty sure she knows who she is. But I hope she keeps reading, because she refuses to talk to me and this is the only way I could think of to tell her how I feel. There's an official author's note at the bottom, so make sure to read that when you're done reading the chapter.

I refuse to open my eyes.

I will not open my eyes.

I will roll over and go back to sleep.

I am going to ignore the hunger pains in my stomach and go back to sleep.

I will not open my eyes.

I. Will. Not.

I rolled over in my bed and threw my arm out to the side, ready to sleep for another hour or so. My arm hit a warm body and I instantly retracted it whilst pushing myself away and curling into the fetal position, hissing.

Well, there's no going back to sleep now.

I opened my eyes and saw a lump with brown hair on the other side of the bed . I giggled silently as Natalie snorted in her sleep and rolled over.

Getting up from Natalie's bed took most of my energy. The thing was freakishly comfortable, to the point of nearly scary, and freakishly hard to get out of because it pretty much enveloped you in its fluff. Upon standing, I glanced sleepily at the glowing digital numbers on the alarm clock next to her bed. 6:00 AM.

This is earlier than when I used to get up for school. I got up at 6:30 to get ready to go do fucking pythagorean theorem all damn day and I wake up on my own a half an hour earlier than that? Something's wrong with my head. I just know it.

In the kitchen, I scooped up a bowl of ice cream for myself and sprawled out on the couch, throwing one leg over the top of it and laying on the throw pillow. I lazily reached for the remote that was on the floor next to me and turned on the TV, switching it to Disney Junior so I could watch annoying little kid shows until the normal Disney shows showed up and I would have to watch bad actors reciting horribly written scripts, at which point I would turn the TV off and move on with my life.

During a commercial break, I scrolled through my phone, looking for somebody to text because I was bored as fuck.
I came across a name that I hadn't heard from in a long time, and smiled.

Me: Long time, no text. Hi. :)

I put my phone down on my stomach and returned my eyes to the TV screen. A moment later my phone vibrated.

Katrina Carr: hey
Me: Still haven't learned the beauty of capitalization and punctuation I see.
Katrina Carr: u no i hav a lerning disability!!!!!!!
Me: Dude. Chill. There's this new thing called sarcasm. I used it.

Inside, my inner grammar Nazi was screaming and her spelling and lack of English skills in general. Now I remember why I try not to text her whenever possible.

Katrina Carr: k

Really? That's it? Well fuck you, too. I took time out of my horribly busy day of doing absolutely nothing to text you and all I get is a "k"?

Me: I haven't seen you in forever. You should come over next weekend.

I already knew the answer, but I was still peeved at the fact that she just "k'd" me.

Katrina Carr: cant. we hav family coming ovr 4 a l8 xmas

So family comes a week early for a birthday and a week late for a holiday. Figures.

Me: Of course you do.
Katrina Carr: srry

Okay, NOW I'm mad.

Me: No you're not. You just don't want to come over.
Katrina Carr: i do wont 2 com ovr but mom says i cant
Me: She says that or you?
Katrina Carr: her
Me: Bullshit. Quit lying to me. Your mother doesn't seem to have an issue with you going over to Kat's every weekend. Your arguments don't match up with what I've seen, so quit it. Don't bother arguing with me. Don't you dare say that I don't know your mom and what she's like. I'm fully aware that your mother doesn't like you because she's an overprotective asshole that you let pick your friends for you. Obviously I'm not on that list. It's probably texts like these that keep me off, because you're constantly reading them to her. She probably tells you what to text me back. I'm aware that your mother hates me and only lets you talk to me because my mom's the youth director at the church and you're pretty much forced to. You can't come over to my house the one time a year I have a weekend free but you spend the night at Kat's all the time? Actually, that's probably not even your mom. That's all you.

Well, I guess it's just all coming out now. Obviously talking to her in the past hasn't helped so I hope she gets the message now.

Katrina Carr: BLAME WHAT YOU WONT ON ME LEAVE MY MOTHER OUT OF THIS YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TALKING ABOUT HER THAT WAY SHE IS NOT YOUR MOTHER TO SAY STUFF ABOUT SO STOP IT

She's right. She's not my mother. So why does Katrina talk shit about her all the time? Katrina's never gotten after me before about it. Why now?

Me: You always tell me that you can't come over because your mother said no. You always said you couldn't come to my competitions because your mother said no. I'm using her as a POINT. What I'm saying is that it's not HER who's saying no. It's YOU.
Katrina Carr: You know what melody i dont care anymore say what you wont to be my friend or not think i dont listen or not i just dont care anymore say what you wont

What? I get the point that she's angry, and that's it. That made absolutely no sense. I reread the text and managed to get a little bit out of it.

Me: Fine. You want the truth? I don't think you ever cared.

It only took her a moment to reply.

Katrina Carr: I dont care any more if you wont to continue this im out you can but im not i just dont give a damn any more

Oh, okay. Thanks for avoiding the topic. Now I know the answer.

Me: What I'm reading says that you're not denying the fact that you never cared.
Katrina Carr: Ive always cared i just dont anymore but you know what say what you wont to i just dont care any more

Yeah. Bullshit. You don't care anymore. From the lousy friend she's been these past few months it seemed like she never cared at all. Only caring about Kat's relationship and Kat herself. Katrina and Kat are inseparable. To be honest? I'm jealous. I admit it. I, Melody Musikk of Fargo, North Dakota, am jealous of my two best friends. Because they have what I've never had. A friend that will drop everything to make sure you're okay. A friend that texts you constantly and will go to so many lengths to make sure you're happy. A friend that will let you steal your phone when you're secretly dating someone your parents don't approve of. A friend that cares. A friend I can trust.
And that's what this all comes down to.
Trust.
I've trusted her with everything. Everything. From the day we called each other best friends, I told her everything. Every time Heather elbowed me in the stomach or punched my arm and left a bruise, she knew about it. Every time I fell while skating I told her. When I sprained my knee from a failed toe loop, she was the first to know. When I finally got my period a few months after my fourteenth birthday, she was the third to know. The other two were my parents (I made my mom tell my dad). I almost didn't tell her about Will, but it wasn't like I could hold it in. I broke down and cried during lunch and finally told her why I hadn't been in school for two weeks.
Point blank, I've told her everything. The only other person I could do that with was Erin. But she moved to Wahpeton.

Me: So you've said a thousand times before. When did you EVER show me you cared?
Katrina Carr: I meant it every time.
Me: Actions speak louder than words. You meant it when you said it, but you never showed it.

All those times I sat alone in the hallway at school and she walked right past me, she didn't care that I had tears running down my face. When I confront her about it, she claims that she never saw me. There's no way that you've walked past me that many times and never saw me unless you're blind. Which she's not, because she has glasses. I always know when something's wrong with my friends. It didn't take them slapping my face and shaking me by my shoulders for me to notice that something was up. And if they refused to tell me, I'd sit with them so they wouldn't feel lonely like me.

Katrina Carr: i think we need a brake for now to cool off

I thought that's what we've been doing for the past three months! I haven't spoken to her in THREE MONTHS and she tells me we need to take a BREAK?

Me: We just HAD a break. A three-month-long break.
Katrina Carr: what ever i dont even care

Obviously.
I stared out the window, holding my phone in my hands.
I thought about a book I had recently read. Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult. The bully victim bringing guns to school in his backpack and killing ten people, most of which were his bullies, including the boyfriend of his former best friend, Josie, who happened to be the daughter of the judge assigned to his case.
After the shooting, Josie took the small stash of prescription sleeping pills that the doctor had given her mother and almost swallowed them, but couldn't bring herself to.
I'll kill myself. Maybe then she'll care.
We had just gotten done with the emotions unit in health when I left, and one word stuck in my head. Parasuicide. A suicide attempt in which the person doesn't intend to actually die.
It's funny, really. I'd been in this place twice before. First when Erin moved the summer after sixth grade and I had no friends at the beginning of the school year. The second was when Will died. And I knew I'd be going into it a third time when Katrina and Kat started leaving me out of things. And here I am.

Me: So if you don't care I guess it wouldn't make a difference if I died, would it?

The minute that passed was probably the longest minute of my life. I knew she would either answer with a resounding "no" or send a paragraph about how she really does care. It was the latter.

Katrina Carr: Yes i would you are still one of my best friends and please dont talk like that i couldnt deal loseing you as a friend or in life

Ha. Bullshit.

Me: A few minutes ago I wasn't even your FRIEND.
Katrina Carr: Not true you've always been my best friend yes ive been mad at you and dont really want to talk to you at the time but youll always be 1 of my best friend

Uh-HUH. Sure. I've been her "best friend" since seventh grade and all I know is that her mother smokes and steals the money that's rightfully Katrina's get to pay rent, buy food, and feed her nicotine addiction.
I've always been that friend that gets replaced after awhile, and Katrina promised she'd never replace me.
Word on the street is that there's a new girl at Davies and Katrina's been spending the night at her house almost every weekend. Sounds a lot like replacement to me.

Me: Then PROVE IT. Quit replacing me. You have no idea how many times you've told me that I've always been your best friend and always will be. You have no idea how many times I've hoped it would actually mean something to you and you'd start walking and not just talking. But for a person that's supposedly my best friend, you're doing a very lousy job of showing it.

Another thing we learned in health before I left was signs that someone might commit suicide. Saying things like, "I wish I was never born" and talking a lot about death. I'm 96.7% sure I had done those recently, and she's never caught on.
She's never caught on to my cries for help, even when I practically slapped her in the face with most of them.
I may seem selfish, thinking about my problems and not hers. But for three years I've tried helping her with problems that she refused to tell me about. I gave her loose change and random dollar bills I found floating around in my pockets that she could hide from her mother. I bought her food with the little money I had in my coat pocket when she forgot to bring a lunch to school and she was allergic to what was being served in the cafeteria. I offered moral support when she didn't tell me what she really needed.
I ignored my emotions following Will's death for her.
I think my turn is long overdue. And all I'm asking for is a friend.
Is that too much to ask?

Notes

To the person that is probably offended by this chapter, I put my commentary in so you would know what I thought while reading your texts. And although I changed it up with the Will stuff, I hope you got the message loud and clear this time, because you obviously haven't in the past. And I know this isn't helping me get any closer to your good side right now, but I needed to let off some steam in a place where you would see it and I could just throw it all in there.
So I wrote.
And I'm sorry if you're pissed that I put our texts in there, but there's no way I could rephrase them.

And for all the people that are just reading this, comment. I need to know if I'm doing something wrong as a friend, because lately it seems as if I can't be a friend to anyone.