It’s been a few days since the letter. I spent most of my birthday hiding up in my room, and escaping to my friend Oli’s house for last two days. She knew something was up but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her how he wrote to me every year. I wanted to keep it a secret before and all… but now it was like an unspoken vow, knowing he felt the same.

I haven’t been able to take my mind off it. Oli had done her best even without knowing. We went to town to spend my birthday money. We went to the pub. She suggested a load of things but we both knew that if my heart weren’t in it that there wouldn’t be a point. So today we are spending our time more wisely – lounging in her living room, watching movies and eating takeout.

I still can’t believe I have a brother.

“Cress? Cress..? Earth to Cress..? Cressida? CRESSIDA COWELL WILL YOU STOP ZONING OUT AND PICK A MOVIE?!”
Oli was never one for patience.

“I don’t mind Ol, I’ll watch whatever. I’ll probably end up in my own little world so you just pick something. I’m sure it’ll be something I like anyway” I smile back to her. We’ve been friends since we started secondary school. You know the C.S. Lewis quote? We did it in English that year. The one how “friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘what! You too? I thought I was the only one”. Yeah? It sums us up perfectly, and probably is even more truthful when we are together. If you’re ever in need of anything – be it laughter, advice, a shoulder to cry on or you’re having boy troubles, she’s the one to call.

“Good to see you’re finally smiling!” she said, breaking my train of thought. She really was a great friend, and thinking about that was what was making me smile. I didn’t like that I was keeping a secret from her, but it was mine and his. Only mine and his.
I glanced up at the screen to see what she’d chosen. “SYCO/MODEST entertainment” flashed up. One Direction. I laughed to myself. Of course this would be what she chose. She was obsessed. I will admit I liked them… but I wasn’t as 1D orientated as she was. Well, I say that. I know if I ever met them I would probably have a fangirl moment. I snapped back to reality, just in time to hear Oli start her commentary.

“Simon Cowell is like my hero, y’no? Like without him, they wouldn’t have been put together. If I ever met him I would have to thank him, because how else would we have got the chance to stare at five guys so gorgeous they possibly could be gods?! Like not seeing Louis chiseled cheek bones, or Harrys curls? Zayn’s quiff? Liam’s totally Beckham and JT’s love child. OMG IMAGINE IF KATY PERRY HAD SAID NO TO NAILL?!” she ended with a screech.

As her comments became sparser, I got lost in the movie and managed to take my mind of everything. I have to admit that I agree with Oli. Harry Styles is definitely a god.

As the credits rolled I gathered the courage to head home to the war zone.
“LOVE YOU” I yelled back at Ol as I walked down the drive. Unable to hear her reply, my mind was already running away with what I was to say to my dad.

The walk home went much quicker than usual – to be fair it is only 10 minutes – but it still felt fast. I rummaged around in my pocket to find my key, but had no success.
“Dammit” I muttered to myself as I pushed the doorbell. This was just going to lead to more arguments I thought as I heard someone scrambling around with the locks on the inside.
“CRESSIDA, YOU’RE 18 YEARS OLD AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE SENCE TO TAKE A KEY OUT WITH YOU?! What if we weren’t in? How would you have managed then? YOU NEED TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE, WE SPENT ALL THIS MONEY ON YOUR EDUCATION AND IT DIDN’T EVEN GIVE YOU ANY STREET SENCE?!”.

I stormed upstairs, deciding it was best not to argue. I pulled out the new letter set I had bought on my trip with Ol and started to write because hey, now is better than never? Right?

---

Dad,

It feels weird writing that you know. I haven’t had to before. Not directly at least. I think I’ve spent all my life thinking of things I want to say to you but now I have a chance the thing I need to say firstly is: it’s okay. I’m not mad. I trust that you knew best when you made the decision to leave.

Secondly, congratulations. I can’t believe I have a brother. Is he giving you no sleep? Bet he doesn’t keep you awake, mum said I was always such a quiet baby. I hope he likes the teddy I’ve sent. Let him know his big sis loves him yeah?

You ask a lot of questions, but I know how you feel. I’m happy, yes. I have amazing friends, I’m on my summer break now so just working in a restaurant. I'm saving money to travel before I go to uni. What do you do? Mum never told me.

I’ve only ever seen one photo of you, mum keeps it hidden away. Could you send me one? Then I can tell you whether I have your eyes. I guess I’m just kinda average. I have brown eyes and long blonde hair. Although that is dyed. Judging by my roots I would say I have pretty dark hair! I’ve just been dying it for too long to remember. I’m pretty tall too. Well, for a girl.

I think of you all the time and have never had a way to tell you that. Why now? After 18 years why have you given me a chance to write back? Not that I’m complaining.

I love you too. Always have.
Cress.

p.s. Your presents are always gorgeous.

---

I re-read the tear-stained note, putting it inside a cardboard box with a beautiful blue teddy bear. It had the softest fur I could find. I know kids aren’t meant to have soft toys till they’re like 6 months, but it would always look nice on a shelf till then.
The note was short, but it felt like that was all I needed to say for now. We have 18 years to catch up on but we also have a lot more time.

I taped up the box and decided to run it to the post-office. The sooner I sent it the quicker I could have his reply. Throwing on some TOM’s I ran out the house, making sure I had a key this time.

---

I sent my letter off on Tuesday. It’s only Thursday. How has he replied so quick? Maybe I’m mistaken… but no, I know that handwriting because I wait for it every year.
I tore away the envelope, not caring to be patient. This wasn’t a yearly thing anymore, so it didn’t matter? That and my desperation for his reply allowed me to do so.

As I pulled at the paper a single polaroid fell out, landing face down on the kitchen floor. Discarding the letter I grabbed at it.
In my dads all too familiar handwriting was a line on the back.

‘Lauren, Eric and I. Feb 2014’.

I stared at her name. In all the talk about my brother I never thought of his mother… and his mother being my dads girlfriend? Maybe even wife. I turned it over, almost more intrigued to see the woman that he had found to replace my mother. My eyes fell to her first. She was pretty. Actually quite similar to my own mum. Maybe that’s why she looked so familiar.

Then I saw him. Staring lovingly at a tiny baby, his face half covered as he gazed down.
Even at such a odd angle I recognised him.

That was Simon Cowell.
But my dad is Si Cowell, he’s “boring, worked in an office”.
Well, according to my mums few comments on the ‘father’ matter.

My dad CANNOT be Simon Cowell?!
This has to be a joke.

A sick, twisted joke?

Notes

Can't sleep.
May as well write!

Love.