To Whom It May Concern

Do you ever have those days where you just listen to songs that make you cry over and over? Cause I do. Do you ever wish that you could just know how everything is going to turn out in the end? Cause I do. Do you ever ask "why me?" Cause I do.

I've gotten to the point where I am old enough to make my own decisions, and I have decided to take control of my life, and it's wonderful. At the same time, however, growing up sucks. Sometimes I wish I could be like Peter Pan and never grow up, but then I wouldn't get to experience half the things I have. Being 18 is fun, but it's also terrifying. All of a sudden, the rest of your life is thrown at you and you have to try and take control of it all, and it doesn't usually end up the way you expected it to.

I recently moved from my home in Utah to Las Vegas, on my own. Well, not completely. I live with my step-dad, but the rest of my family is back in Utah. Including my best friends and my mom. Don't get me wrong, I am kind of enjoying Vegas. I am excited to start meeting new people and making new friends, but I find myself missing home more and more. I find myself wishing my mom was here sitting next to me, soothing me telling me everything is going to be alright.

My mom has been there for me countless times. Without her, I honestly don't know if I would even be here today. I don't know where I would be, what I would be doing, all I know is I probably would be depressed as all hell. Now I am going to tell my story, but I just want to make it clear that I am not trying to receive pity. I just don't want people thinking I am saying all of this for attention, because I am not. I am just writing down my feelings and my backstory has a lot to do with how I feel. This isn't to get attention or have people feel sorry for me. It's my own way of telling someone how I feel instead of keeping it inside me. I just want to make that clear :)

Okay, so my story. When I was in the second grade, my parents got a divorce. I was old enough to understand what was happening, but still young enough to not quite grasp what my parents were going through. My mom was really depressed and checked out. Now that she is completely better, she admits that that time in her life was terrible and that she doesn't remember much about what happened. She doesn't really remember my sister as a baby, which is sad, but we all turned out okay.

A year or so later, my dad got remarried to my step-mom. I love her to death, I am really glad that they got married. They had a kid together and I got one of my other best friends, my 7 year old half brother. When I was about 10, my mom got remarried to this guy. Now let's call him "Bill" (that's not his real name, just wanted to make sure that was clear). Once Bill and my mom got married, he changed. He wasn't the nice guy my mom married. He started getting mean and would always put his kids before me and my brothers and sister.

Around Christmas time one year (I am not sure if it was a year after they were married or just later on that year), I had a nightmare. I ran upstairs to my mom and Bill. Bill said he would come down in my room and lay with me until I fell asleep because I was so scared.

After a while of laying there, he started to do things. Things I knew were wrong, let's just say that. I kept coming up with excuses for it, blowing it off. I wasn't going to think anything of it. After all, it was just that one time. Then, it started happening every night, and every morning. Eventually it would occasionally happen during the day after he got laid off.

I would go to bed crying every night, praying that in the morning he wouldn't come downstairs to my room. I would pray that I would have the strength to either tell him to stop, or tell someone what was going on. I would cry, wanting it to stop. I thought there was something wrong with me, and I was mad because no one knew what was going on.

I remember one time, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I saw someone outside my window. I rushed upstairs and woke up my mom. She told me to go lay by Bill and I could sleep with them. Now, my mom had NO idea anything was going on, so none of this was her fault. No one knew, just me and him. I went over and laid down next to him. He then proceeded to do what he always did. I remember crying because I wanted it to stop. I was crying because I was so tired and I just wanted him to stop, and I wanted someone to stop it as well. The next thing I remember, is he noticed I was crying. He wiped a tear away from my face. You think that would stop him. He would realize that I am crying and hurting and he would possibly stop? No, no it didn't. He fucking kept going (sorry I honestly NEVER say that word, but I just am going to say it because I can haha). He wiped away my tear, and didn't stop. I think that is what hurt the most. To know he didn't care about how I felt about everything.

Well, after about a year or so of that going on, my older step brother Dan (not his real name again) came into my room one night. He would like to tickle me, because I am only ticklish on the back of my legs and no one could tickle me, so he thought it was funny. I was only 11 when he did this and I didn't think anything of it. I remember one night, he kept trying to tickle me and it wasn't working. After a while of him trying, he whispered to me "If I do this, do you promise not to tell anyone?"

I had no idea what he was talking about. I said sure, confused as to what he meant. Then he started to do the same things his dad did to me. I felt worthless, uncared for, unloved, scared, everything you didn't want to feel. He ended up doing again to me one other time. I didn't know what to do anymore. It wasn't only happening with one person, but now two. Two people who were supposed to love and protect me from anything that scares me. Not be the thing I am scared about.

About a year and a half after it all started. I ended up telling my younger brother what was going on. What Bill was doing to me. I didn't say anything about Dan, no one knew until years later. I made him promise he wasn't going to tell my mom, I was scared that my family was going to be ruined. I was willing to suffer and be in pain for my mom to be happy.

Later that night, my mom came in my room saying that my younger brother told her I had something I needed to tell her about me and Bill. After minutes of me stubbornly not saying anything because I didn't want to ruin the family, I finally told her. I remember when Bill came in my room, she told him to not get any closer to me and told him what I just told her. He denied it and they went upstairs and were fighting, I could hear. I remember sitting on my bed crying wishing it would all end. He would not admit he was doing anything, he kept saying I was lying. He didn't admit to it until the next day at the hospital. After my mom kicked him out he tried to kill himself and ODed on sleeping pills.

For months after that, my life consisted of telling more and more people about what he did to me. I had doctors appointments, counseling, meetings with police, family, everyone. When I finally knew that it was all over, I don't know if I had ever been happier to know that the monster that I was scared of was gone. I was now 12, this started when I was 10, almost 11. So for a year and a half that was how I lived. So I was an abused child, I know exactly what it feels like. I also want to tell you guys that if you write about abuse in your story, please just don't make the characters blow it off like it's nothing. It's not. It's something that should be addressed and taken care of. Just be considerate. If you want to have abuse in your story, that's fine. It's not offensive, well at least to me. I just want to make sure that you guys understand that it is a big deal and people do actually go through it. People who you wouldn't even think have gone through stuff like that. So like I said, if you want to have that stuff in your story THAT'S OKAY just think :)

Ever since then I have known that I can trust my mom with anything and she will always be there to help me, no matter how hard it is. That's why I am having such a hard time being away from her. Without her here, I don't know who I can have sit and talk to me and make me feel safe again. I know I can call her when I need, but she won't be here to wrap her arms around me and hug me.

Well, I think I have vented enough for now. Thanks for letting me have my moment. I might write again in the next few days with some more things I have been struggling with lately. There are many more things I could get into, about how I feel lost in life right now, but I won't. Another time. I could go on forever and I don't want to be more annoying than I already am being :) Anyway, thanks again for letting me have my moment, I just needed to put it all down and tell someone, and this was a way I found of doing that. Thanks :)

-Madison

Oh! If any of you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. Just message me :)

Notes

So this is my life. I am just going through a hard time and I just wanted to tell someone instead of talking to myself.. I really am not expecting anyone to read this, but if you do that's fine. I just wanted to vent my feelings and that's what I am doing. This isn't to get attention or anything, I really just want to make that clear.

I might keep this story and just write whenever I am having a bad day, or I may delete it, I don't know. I really just needed to vent, and thank you for letting me do that :)