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Mibba

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To Whom It May Concern

Chapter 2

One nice thing about working for my step-dad at his law firm is that he has everything from when "Bill" was convicted and everything like that. My step dad represented me during all of that. Wanna know something funny? Bill is his brother..

Okay, to some people that might seem weird. Yes, my mom married her ex husbands brother, but it's really not. He is absolutely NOTHING like Bill, I mean for crying out loud, he was my lawyer during the conviction, not his. Also, my mom has grown up with their whole family and she has always loved my step dad since she was 16 and he has loved her since he was 21 (same time, they are 5 years apart haha). So, to me, it's totally fine. It's not weird to me at all. Bill's whole family, well practically, has disowned him completely. It's nice to know that they all support me and love me.

So today while I was at work, I noticed a file for the case for Bill. Being as curious as I am, I opened it and quickly found a lot of documents that was from "my case". I started reading everything. After all, it is about me and most of it was the perspective of the person who was interviewing me so it was just stuff I had said. So technically, I already knew everything that was there.

It's funny, though, that your brain can totally block something out and you don't remember it at all or sometimes until someone says something about it, then it all comes flooding back. As I was reading, I saw that someone mentioned that every time he would try and, well let's say take things further than with just his hand, I would turn away and try to get away. He would tell me he "loved me" and to relax. As soon as I read that, it came back. Memories of me trying to turn away or go on my stomach and have him telling me that he loves me and it's okay to just relax.

Okay, I'm sorry, but what kind of gratification do you get from a freaking 10-12 year old when your about 40?? Please explain this to me because I just don't understand it. I mean, come on, I was freaking 10 when it started!! 10!!

When that came back, so did more. I guess I didn't remember a lot of it. I mean, yes, there is a whole lot of it I remember, but there is a ton I blocked out. A lot of what he did, what I tried to do to stop it, things that happened after, a lot. I forgot about me putting notes on my door saying that I set an alarm and I was going to get up in the morning by myself and he didn't need to come down. I remember I would sometimes frantically search for a pencil, paper, or something I needed so I could put up a note to try and get him to not come down. Sadly, it only worked maybe 5 times, the other times they were ignored.

Now, I won't go into details of more that I realized/remembered today, but let's just say things came back and it was kind of hard not to cry at work.

Yes, I am over this, and I don't have serious problems because of it anymore, but that doesn't mean I don't cry because of it from time to time. Yes, I have days where I cry because I remember exactly what I felt. I remember how scared I was, and just wishing for it all to end. Remembering laying there in my bed once he left and crying, praying to God that it would stop. Praying that one day I could build up the courage to tell someone. Sitting up every night wondering why it was happening to me. Wondering why anyone would let something like that happen to me, why God was allowing that. When I remember those feelings, I am put right back to where I was 8 years ago and cry.

I remember when I was in 6th grade, we had someone come talk to us about child abuse. They showed a video of a girl and her story was pretty similar to mine. When she told her mom what was going on, her mom ignored her. I thought 'what if my mom ignores me? What if she doesn't believe me?' I never thought my mom would doubt me, but that video made me think. Even after, I still believed my mom would believe me, but that video gave me just enough doubt to postpone telling her.

I know that none of this was my fault, and I am not afraid to admit any of it happened to me. Why should I have to hide it when I didn't choose for it to happen? That's one thing I don't get. It's not the most comfortable thing to tell people about your past, but why does it have to be? You didn't ask for that to happen to you, but it did. It wasn't your fault any of it occurred, so why is it so terrible to tell people? Why do they have to look at you differently?

I think a lot about how I am going to tell the guy I will later on marry in my life. I know that we will love each other and it will be meant to be and nothing like that will break it, but how do you tell someone that? I know I will want to tell him everything about my past, and I will, but at the same time, how will that change his perspective of me? I didn't ask for it, I didn't want it, but yet people still look at you slightly different. I think that's the worst part, not being looked at the same.

Well anyway, I just needed to rant for a while about things and don't have anyone to tell them to so here is my rant. Thanks for letting me have it, I appreciate it!

-Madison

Notes

Again, this is NOT for attention. This is just a place where I know I can post what I am feeling and my life without keeping it bottled up inside and waiting for it all to explode. If you are reading, thanks for sticking through all my craziness haha

Thank you for your comforting and supportive comments. You may not know how much they mean to me, but let me just say it means a lot :)

Comments

@MidnightMemory
:[)

@Mrs. Storplikson
Thank you :) ha

Oh gosh, you'll be fine, I know it! ;)

@pippalove
Oh well I didn't mean to make you cry at work.. haha and thanks :)

Oh man this just brought on a whirlwind of emotions and caused me to cry like a maniac at work. I wish I could hug you.