Beautiful Agony

"You were a risk, a mystery, and the most certain things I'd ever known."
-Beau Taplin

Chapter Nine

When I walk I into work at 08:00 this morning, I'm on a mission to talk to Liv. I need to talk to her about Harry and our date tonight. Am I making the right decision? Should I be letting Harry get closer to me? I feel so conflicted. I don't know what's going on anymore. One minute I want to get know Harry better and the next I want to run away and be all alone again. I want to push him away but I don't know if I can. Am I in too deep? Is it too late? Right when Liv sees me, she knows that something is wrong.

"What happened? Is it Harry?" She rushes over to me and puts her hand on my shoulder.

I nod slowly.

"What did he do? If he did something to you I'll hurt him, I don't care how scary he may be."

I shake my head. 'He didn't do anything. It's me.'

"What do you mean?"

'I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do.'

She opens her mouth to reply but is interrupted by Jacob who comes in and tells us what we need to make today.

"Today, we have one order of 50 Chocolate Chip Almond cupcakes and then we need to stock up on the case displays!"

"Wanna talk about this again on break?" Liv asks as the other workers start to do their duties.

I nod and then we both walk to our usual spot, our counter to the far right of the kitchen, and start to work on our cupcake batters, putting our conversation on hold until break at noon.

~*~

"Okay, so tell me what's happened. Why are you feeling conflicted?" Liv says when we sit down at our table in this small cafe down the street.

'Harry asked me on another date to make up for the last one and I'm not sure if I should go.'

"Why don't you want to go? At least he's trying to make up for the one that he selfishly ruined." She takes a bite of her vegetable wrap and the wipes her mouth with a napkin.

'But if I go, then does that mean that we're getting closer?'

"Aria just tell me what you really feel. Stop being evasive. What is it?"

I take a small bite of my grilled chicken salad to stall a little bit of time, but Liv keeps staring at me, waiting for me to spill. I finally gust up the courage to write 'I'm scared.' There I said it. I'm afraid. I'm terrified of what could happen between Harry and I.

"Of what?"

'I'm scared of letting Harry get close to me. I'm not sure if I even want him that close.'

"Then take it slow. Ari, you barely know the guy. How do you know if you even fancy him?"

I take a moment to look outside the cafe windows that show the busy streets and hordes of people and bite my lip. 'I don't know what it is about him, but he seems different.'

She scoffs, "Well yeah I'd say he's different too."

'But it's not just his appearance. There's something inside him that really makes me want to get closer. I've been alone for so long I don't know if I am able to let someone in. And if I am able let him in, what if I get hurt?'

Liv is silent for a moment, gathering her thoughts before she replies to my predicament. "I guess that's the risk that you take for someone you like."

''I don't know if I like him though.' How do you know if you like somebody and want to be with him?

"Then get to know him. You can get to know someone and not reveal every dark secret about your life. You don't have to tell him everything that you've been through. If I went through all of the things that you did in your past, I don't know if I'd want to reveal them to anyone either."

'I just don't want to get hurt. I don't need anymore pain and heartache than what I already have.'

"Then make him prove to you that he never will."

Easier said than done Liv.

"And maybe you're right. Maybe he's not the man that everyone thinks he is." She smiles genuinely and then takes a big bite of her wrap.

Maybe you're right Liv, but I won't know until I take that next step and I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet.

~*~

I hang up my apron and grab my bag from my small locker that I have. I walk out of the lounge with Liv by my side and wave bye to the other employees. We step outside and she hugs me and whispers, "Good luck tonight" in my ear. I nod and smile at her and then we turn opposite ways. Me going home and her going to meet her new man Jordan. I watch my converse clad feet while I walk towards my flat, my mind thinking about Harry and what could happen tonight.

Seven minutes later I arrive at my building and walk inside. I wave to Josh in his office and go straight for the elevator. I wait for my floor and step off when the doors open to floor seven. I pass by a mother and her two children as I come to my door. I grab my key from my bag and unlock the door. I go inside and shut the door behind me. The kitchen comes to view as I head to the refrigerator and grab a bottle of water. I untwist the cap and put the tip to my mouth. The cool water refreshes my dry throat and I head into my bedroom. The time on the clock on my nightstand reads 18:00. An hour until Harry comes. I take off my converse and set them in my closet. I go into my bathroom take a shower to wash off all of the bakery smells of the day.

I stand under the warm water for a few minutes to relax my muscles and then start doing my normal shower routine. After 13 minutes, I turn the water off and ring out the water in my hair. I open the shower curtain and step out into the cool air. I wrap myself in a towel and get another one for my hair. I walk out of the bathroom and into my closet to decide what I am going to wear. Harry said to dress casual. I pick out a pair of skinny jeans, a white v-neck, a light black sweater, and these black flats that I haven't worn in a while.

I look over to the clock to check the time and it's 18:22. I head into the bathroom again and turn on the blow dryer. After my hair is dry, I plug in my one curling wand that I never use. I don't have a need to curl my hair. It's up most of the day anyways and I don't see anyone besides Liv outside of work so there's no need for me to focus on how my hair looks. Once my hair is in loose waves, I grab my small makeup bag an get out foundation. I apply some to the top of my forehead to cover up the 2 inch long scar that's near my hairline.

I remember when I got this.

I was up in my room sitting on my small, worn down bed when I heard a crash from downstairs. Being the curious little eight year old girl that I was, I went down to go see what happened. I walked down the stairs and saw a broken table and a shattered vase on the floor. I carefully walked past the broken glass and into the kitchen. I saw my adoptive mother standing at the sink. Her back was to me but she turned around when the floorboards creaked. Her eyes were all red, puffy, and looked glazed over. She wore this sickening, big smile on his face. She's drunk... Again.

"Hey sweetie," She croaked.

I stayed silent, wishing that I had not come down.

This isn't the first time that she's been drunk. She drinks all the time and is always passed out or throwing up in the bathroom. At first she's nice and sweet, which is unusual for her, and then she becomes this angry and abusive person.

My mother came towards me and I stepped back.

"Sweetie it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you." Her voice cracks and she sticks one of her shaking hands out to me.

I shook my head and stepped back again.

"Aria." She said sternly.

I shook my head again and she growled. She clenched her teeth and screamed. I covered my ears and she started to yell curse words at me and started to throw the dirty dishes across the room.

I shrunk back into the wall and whimpered. I turned to go out of the kitchen but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back into her with great force. Her grip on my arm tightened and I started to cry.

"You don't walk away from me Ariana! I am your mother and you will do as I say!" She screamed in my face.

"You stupid, worthless, pathetic child!!"

I felt my cheek stinging and realized that she slapped me. She pushed me to the ground and screamed at me more while I sat there on the floor bawling.

"STOP CRYING YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE BITCH!!!!!" She screamed and threw the almost empty vodka bottle at my head.

I screamed and ducked but the bottle shattered and some glass grazed my forehead. I could feel blood running down my face and my head hurt. I managed to crawl out of the kitchen and away from all of her screams. I went and locked myself in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and I saw a cut where the glass hit me. I wiped off the blood with a wet cloth and put a bandaid over the cut. After I was done, I laid there on the tiled floor and cried my eyes out. I just wanted to leave. I hated it there. Why did this happen to me?

A tear runs down my face but I roughly wipe it away. I was eight when that happened. I tear my thoughts away from that dreadful night and finish putting on the foundation. Now you can't even see the scar. I add a little eyeliner and mascara and then I put on some nude lip gloss. I do a look over and then head out of the bathroom. I walk back into my room and it's 18:50. I grab my brown bag, making sure that I have a notebook and pen inside it and sling it over my chest. I walk out of my room and into the kitchen. I plop down on one of the stools by the counter and grab one of my notebooks. I doodle in the notebook to pass the time and before I know it, there's a knock on the door.

I get up from the stool and go to the door. Looking out the peephole I see Harry standing there. I open the door and he comes into view.

"Hey," He greets me.

I smile and step out into the hallway with him. I lock the door and turn towards him. He looks he usually does. He's wearing all black. Black skinny jeans, black boots, black shirt, and a black jacket. His hair is a mess of curls like he has run his fingers through it several times and he wears that infamous smirk that is always on his face.

"Let's go," Harry says and we walk side by side towards the elevator. His hand rests on the lower part of my back and I bite my lip to keep from smiling from the warm sensation that starts to make its way up my spine.

Once we're on way down, Harry turns his head towards me and smiles and then winks. I look down to the floor with a smile and reddened cheeks.

God, I hope this date ends well.

~*~

We've been in the car driving for the last 20 minutes while the radio plays softly. There's a silence between us, but surprisingly not an awkward one. Usually people would think it's awkward to be with a person who's mute, but not Harry. Every so often I catch Harry looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I always start blushing when I catch him and he just smirks. He never did hold my hand like last time. I think he didn't want to push anything and wanted me to be comfortable. He did put his hand on my waist lightly but other than that, there's no affection which I'm thankful for. Any touch of his, big or small, feels like there's a raging fire that courses through my body, making me want him to never stop and that is unacceptable behavior to me.

We just got done eating at a small, quaint restaurant just outside the city and now Harry is taking me somewhere else. The restaurant was very small and cozy and had a country feel to it. There weren't that many people there. We were sat in a booth near the windows and we both ordered the same meal. Our conversation was mostly about my artwork. Harry had so many questions since he saw my studio and I answered every one of them. Whenever he read what I had to say about art, he smiled at me and had this gleam in his eye. It was very easy to talk to him about something that I am so passionate about. I also told him about the bakery that Liv and I work at and he made me promise him that I will teach him how to bake someday. He's easy to talk to. He really listens to what you have to say and is very interested in what you are doing. He made me smile and softly giggle on more than one occasion with his bad jokes that he told. They're so awful.

"Knock knock." Harry said and I inwardly groaned at his attempt of a joke.

'Who's there?'

"The cow goes," he added.

'The cow goes who?'

"No, the cow goes moo." He got a big smile on his face and started laughing.

I shook my head at his stupid joke. 'That's terrible. Please don't ever tell that again.'

"You wound me Ariana Carter!" Harry cried and put his hand over his heart dramatically. I softly giggled to myself at his goofy actions. This was so different than the hard and perverted side that he usually shows.

Throughout our dinner, I saw some people looking over at us with fear and confusion. Some shook their heads and others were frightened just by looking at Harry. I don't know why they're so afraid. Harry is actually really funny and nice. I don't get why everyone's so scared of him, he doesn't seem like a monster like people say he is.

We are a few miles away from the city and after another 10 minutes, we come to a small dirt road. I look at Harry and furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

"Just wait." Is all he says.

We drive down the dirt road and I look out the window. There are no lights on this road, just the moon and stars out and from what I can make out, we are surrounded by fields and trees. It looks like we're in the middle of nowhere.

I look at Harry again and he chuckles, "Don't worry, I'm not going to kill you."

I roll my eyes and slump back in my seat. We finally stop and Harry turns the car off. He gets out and come to my side and opens my door. I nod a thank you and get out. Looking at my surroundings, I see nothing but darkness.

"Come on," He says and grabs my hand to guide me forward.

We walk alongside each other as we go further and further away from the car and into darkness. With the only sound of our feet scraping against the dirt road, we walk in silence. My eyes start to adjust to the dark night and I can see a small trail that we're walking on. My foot trips on something and I fall, but before I can hit the ground, I am taken into warm arms.

"I save you yet again Ariana," Harry chuckles and helps me upright. "You don't have to keep falling for me. Once is enough."

I hit him lightly on his shoulder and he releases his arms from around my waist. Luckily it's dark out so he can't see the embarrassment on my face. He grabs my hand again, squeezing reassuringly, and continues to lead me down this dark path. His hand is very warm compared to my cold one. I instinctively walk closer to him to where our bodies are almost touching and can feel the heat radiating off him. I never did like the dark.

We are walking for a few more minutes when I see a light up ahead. As we get closer to the dim, yellow light, I see a small lantern sitting on the ground. I look to Harry and he just smirks. We come to a small clearing in all of the trees and I look out and see a body of water. It's a big lake. There's a little shack building resting a few meters back from the edge and there's a small, wooden dock going out onto the water.

I go to grab my notebook from my bag and write 'What is this place?' hoping that Harry can read it in the dim lighting.

"This is a place that I come to a lot." Harry replies with no difficulty.

I frown slightly when he lets go of my hand and walks around the other side of the shack.
He comes back baring cut wood chunks and an aluminum can of something and sets them down near the lantern. He sets the wood pieces on the ash pit that looks like it hasn't been used in a while and pours the liquid on them. Lighter fluid. He pulls out a lighter from his pocket and puts the flame to wood. I watch as the light travel over the wood and in seconds we have a nice fire going.

I look at him in amazement.

"What?" He looks up at me from his squatting position and then rises up to his full height.
I just shake my head and smile. I walk over to him and he places a large blanket on the ground near the fire and holds his hand out. I put my hand in his and he guides me down to the blanket-clad ground. I sit cross legged in front of him and place my notebook in my lap.

'Why did you take me here?'

"Because this is one of my favorite places to be. It's very peaceful and quiet. I can actually think and not be bothered by anyone." He explains and rests back on his elbows and stretches his legs out in front of him.

'How did you find this place?'

"This was an old private lake that people used to go to. It was about 20 something years ago when it was last used because a person drowned in it and then people stopped coming. I heard of this place when I was a kid, but I never saw it. Then one day I wanted to get away from everything and I remembered where this place was and came here. I've been coming here ever since."

'Have you ever brought anyone else here?'

He nodded slowly. "Yeah only one."

He gets this sad look on his face and sighs. I think I know who he brought here.

I don't want to hit some nerve of his so I write down 'Well I'm glad you brought me here. This place is great even though I can't see the beautiful scenery.'

Harry chuckles at me and then the questions begin. "So have you lived in London your whole life?"

I shake my head no.

"I know you live alone, but do your parents live close by?" Here comes the dreaded question about my parents.

I look down and fiddle with my fingers, debating on whether or not I should tell him.

'I've never met my real parents.' I write after a few moments of silence and show him.

He frowns. "Why not?"

'They didn't want me so they gave me away.'

"Oh god. I'm sorry. Shit, I didn't know," He quickly apologizes and I shake my head and try to smile to reassure him that it's okay.

Harry frowns looking at me and I know that look. I've gotten that look from everyone and I do not need it from him too. I stand up abruptly and make my way to the dock. I don't want his pity. I sit down at the end and stare out at the shimmering water that reflects the moonlight. I hear Harry's heavy footsteps behind me and I ignore them. His shadow comes over me and then he sits down next to me. I can feel him staring at me but I'm still looking at the water. He sighs and then it's complete silence.

"If it helps any," he starts after a minute of silence. "I haven't seen my family in six years."

I finally look at him and he's already looking at me.

He frowns. "I'm sorry about your parents, but I understand what it's like to have your family not want you."

After that little confession, we never say anything else. Then Harry reaches over and grabs my hand. Our fingers intertwine and he squeezes gently. He lifts our joined hands up and places a small kiss on mine. Butterflies start to erupt in my stomach from the small, but meaningful gesture.

I don't know how long we sat there on that dock, but the air started to turn colder and the fire was getting dim. Harry then stands up and pulls me up with him. He gets closer to me where we're inches away from touching and I look up into his eyes.

"I don't know what you've been through," He starts, "but know that I'm here if you need anything." I can see kindness and sincerity in his green depths and it's overwhelming to me.

He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him so that we're chest to chest. My heart starts racing and more butterflies erupt in my stomach. I've never been this close to anybody before. I'm nervous to find out what Harry is going to do, even though I have a pretty good idea of what is coming next. He cups my face in his hands and presses his forehead to mine. I can feel his breath on my face and my eyes never leave his. I feel like he can see right through me.

He then opens his mouth and says quietly, "You don't have to be afraid anymore Ariana. As long as you're with me, I won't let anything happen to you."

My eyelids flutter closed from the words that he just said.

"You're safe." His face lowers until his lips are right above mine. "You're safe with me."

I believe him.

His lips make contact with mine and the cool metal of his lip ring pressing against me is an interesting sensation. I stand there still for a moment before moving my mouth against his. The cliché thing to say would be that fireworks and bombs are going off, but that's not what I feel. I feel like there is a huge fluttering or swirling sensation in my stomach and my whole body feels like its on fire. Harry wraps his arms tighter around me and I put my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in his curls. The kiss deepens, him sliding his tongue in my mouth and mine moving against his. God, now that I know what's it like to be in his arms and kiss him, I never want to stop.

We reluctantly pull away from each other and he rubs his thumbs lightly over my cheeks. I blush and do what I do best and look towards the ground. Harry chuckles at my actions and pulls me into his arms again. They're stronger than they look. I rest my head on his chest and inhale his masculine scent. His arms hold me tightly and I can't help but feel very protected and secure. I can hear his heart beating fast and a smile grows on my face.

Our first kiss and a date that was amazing.

~*~

Harry opens my car door and I step out and into the chilly night air. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and leads me inside my flat building.

It's almost midnight. After our kiss and embrace, we walked back to put out the fire and clean up our remnants and then headed back to the car, holding hands the entire time again. We haven't stopped since.

Once we get to my door, I turn towards him with my notebook in hand.

'Thank you for tonight. It was fun.'

He nods and smiles. "You're welcome. Anytime."

I grab my key from my bag and unlock the door. I turn back around and Harry is standing right there. His head dips down and he presses a single kiss to my lips.

"Goodnight Ariana," He says softly against my lips.

I wave at him when he steps back and he gives me one last smirk before he heads to the elevator. I go inside my home and shut door, smiling to myself. My body is still very heated from Harry and I grin when I think back to our date. It was amazing. Harry is actually really funny and sweet. He can actually be something other than cocky and crude like he normally is. He made me feel safe and comfortable, like I could put my guard down and he wouldn't judge me for the things that he would see. I felt more safe with him in those few hours than I have ever felt in my entire existence.

Liv was right. Maybe he is not the man that everyone thinks he is.

Notes

Sorry I didn't update on Friday when I said I would. I am leaving for college this Tuesday so I have been busy with packing and stuff so this chapter took a little bit longer than I wanted it to. This is the longest chapter I have written so far and I hope you like it. I will try to update again this week, but it's not for certainty. Thank you for reading and feel free to comment.