Mirrors (A Harry Styles Fanfic)

I stare at the faint outline of the birds tattooed on his chest, his collarbone barely visible with the little light coming in from the window.

It's been around fifteen minutes since we went to bed and Harry's breathing is even as he sleeps. I can't sleep, the words my father said haunt my every thought, all of my senses are confused and afraid, I don't know what to do or what to say. I want to speak but I can't, I wouldn't really know what to say to the previous revealing conversation.

I sob quietly as Harry's arms loosen around me from his deep sleep, the strong contact was the only source of comfort keeping me from relapsing back into tears. I brush my nose along his neck, as much as the stretch of my own allows me, I press my lips to his skin.

I study his face for a couple of seconds before untangling myself from his limb embrace; I grab the pillow next to the one we were practically sharing and place it between his arms, hoping my absence will go unnoticed for at least a small while. My bare feet pat vaguely against the concrete as I make my way out of the hotel, no one notices me so I manage to leave quietly.

As my feet touch the sand, I run.

I just run.

I make my way along the shore, away from the spot where it happened. I need time to think. It's when I'm about half a mile away from the hotel when I stop and sink to the ground, but I don't cry.

The beach was something Markie and I would do with her, and now he ruined it. Why couldn't he have come cleared before? Why did it have to be now, after I've grown so much hatred towards a woman that doesn't deserve it! I have a dead sibling, for fuck's sake!

I stare at the dark back water, this is how I'll remember this place: dark and stormy, lying with sheer darkness.

It isn't fair, none of this is fair. My mother died protecting us from our father's, if that's even what he deserves to be called, lies. She knew he had been having an affair with a woman, who was completely oblivious to this side of his life, for years! Yet she stayed! She stayed with him, and when they got divorced she pretended, for us. And for what? So that he would treat us like shit like always, and only decide to be part of our lives when Jane tells him to.

I can't even fathom Jane's decision to stay with him, I'm sure she can do more than fair with Prim on her own. Fuck! Even I'd help her.

I can't believe he let all of this happen, only to decide to tell me now, when things were going so great, even for the two of us.

And Harry and his family got dragged into this mess, it isn't fair for Harry to deal with this, or with my father's bullshit.

I have no idea what to do, my mind is clouded with confusion and anger. I want to leave, to run away with Harry and let it be just the two of us. Despite what he's put me through, I know that we're supposed to be together. If it wasn't for his comforting arms today, I would've lost it worse than Markie did, which would be tragic because I'm supposed to be the strong one between the two us.

Oh Markie, he must be so confused. I want to go up there and high him, and reassure him that we will be fine, like we always have been together. But I know that, just like me, he needs some time to think. To think about what to do and what to say to him.

Part of me wants to forgive him, but a bigger part of me, the sane one, wants him out, absolutely out. He has lied so much, I don't even know what he could do now that would be worse but the fear is still there.

I hear footsteps to my left and turn to find Harry walking slowly towards me. His eyebrows are furrowed, lips in a thin line and jaw clenched. He's mad.

"Harry?" I stand and walk towards him.

"Don't ever, leave like that again," he breathes out, flaring his nostrils.

I blink rapidly, "Oh, erm, I'm sorry, I needed time to think." I look over at the sea and whisper, "I will think about your needs next time."

His arms wrap around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, it's just," he sights, "I just talked- never mind. Are you okay?" his lips pressed to my forehead and I close my eyes.

"I guess... not really" he sighs again at my words. I look up at him, he looks sad and worried, "What's wrong?"

"I- um nothing, just," his eyes close and frown, What's wrong?

"Harry?" my hands cup his cheeks, his green orbs reappear and store into mine, there's sadness and... guilt in them?

His lips press to mine and, the kiss is soft and loving. His tongue brushes softly and tenderly against mine. My fingers tangle in his hair. I don't know what's going on with him, but his lips and skin make all the clouded thoughts clear like a summer's day.

When we part, I smile up at him but his smile is only crooked and silent.

"I think we should go back to London tomorrow, I will take care of everything." He lets go of me and starts walking back to the hotel.

He's being cold and secretive, "Erm, yeah, that seems like the reasonable thing to do," I say. I run to catch up to his long steps.

His body is inches from mine as we ride the elevator, his eyebrows furrowed and his body language cold. Cold like my body as I watch him leave without a glance towards me.

He can't be doing this to me right now, I need him more than ever, I have no idea what I didn't but it can wait.

"Harry!" I grab his arm before he enters the room, his eyes look into mine and his expression softens as he reads me, "I need you, don't be cold."

He sighs through his nose and pulls me into his arms.

---------

He barely looks at me during the plane trip. Last night he didn't hug me when I needed him to. Why is he acting this way, is it something I did? Was it because I left the room without telling him?

My father keeps looking over but I ignored him, I don't need him or his lies right now, I need Harry. But he refuses to even give me a glance.Why are you being so cold?

"What did I do?" I ask as he drops my luggage in my living room.

"What?" he doesn't look at me.

"You've been acting as if I did something wrong since last night, baby," I grab his arm and make him look at me.

"Have you been talking to a guy named Sean?"

"What? No," I say confused, Sean? Who the fuck is Sean?

"There were rumors and," he runs his fingers through his hair, "I didn't want to believe them but your- someone told me they had seen you with him and Niall and Bella at a coffee shop in what seemed like a double date."

"Oh, Niall's friend?" I ask, "I barely know him Harry," I laugh, "Please don't do this right now, I need you to be here with me while I figure out my whole thing with my father-"

"I can't just ignore things like that, Piper." He steps back.

What? Since when does he listen to the internet!

"Harry, there is nothing going on between Sean and I, I don't know him!" I say as if speaking to a child, "Why are you listening to rumors, and who told you about the coffee thing?"

"It doesn't matter," he walks away and stands in front of the front door, staring at it.

"Harry, will you just say what you need to say," I whisper.

"I can't," he turns around but doesn't look at me, he looks behind me, "I can't just fly away and pretend like I think you'll wait for me. And I can't, for the love of me, deal with your father's shit right now Piper, all I will be doing is worrying about you and all the bullshit that is going on."

"But I waited for you!" he closes his eyes for a second, when he opens them he doesn't look at me.

"It didn't change all the chaos happening that have nothing to do with!"

I feel like a knife has been plunged through my chest, I never wanted to make him feel this way.

"Harry, I am so sorry, all I want to do is be with you when you're here, not with everyone there to intervene!"

"Don't try and blame what happened on me!"

I blink rapidly, he's not looking at me and I'm growing desperate, "Harry, I'm not blaming you! On the contrary, you're the only one who gives me balance!" I pull at his arms to make him look at me.

"Piper, you need time to think about your family, and I need to work with the least pressure and stress possible," he pulls away from me, the knife is twisted and I gasp for air.

"Harry, I need you..."

"Well, I don't need all of this crap right now," he looks down at his feet, then his eyes make contact with mine, slamming all the air out of my lungs and filling it with vile and pain, "we need to break up."

"No," I whisper, "No Harry, you can't do this to me," I pull at his shirt. "you fought for me, and now you're letting me go just like that! No Harry!" I pull at the collar of his plaid to make him look at me in the eyes but he doesn't.

What is he doing, I don't understand.

"Piper, please, you and I both need this okay?" he tugs away from me.

"But you love me," I whisper, "I need you."

"I am not what you need right now," he whispers, "you need to be alone with your thoughts, and I need to be able to go a day without freaking out."

"But you love me, I know you do!" I grab his face but he pulls at my arms and places them to my sides.

His green eyes stare into mines, I have no strength left to lift my arms and touch him. I blink and realize I've been shedding tears. He looks away from me. This isn't Harry, this isn't my Harry.
My Harry would be comforting me, guiding me on what to do with my father's words.

"I need you," I choke out.

"Maybe that's the problem, we rely too much in one another and it would never work out. I can't be with someone who could potentially leave me when I'm gone, and to only cause me stress and anxiety, I don't want to feel that."

"Harry, I-" I shake my head, I don't want to do that Harry! I want you to be happy.

"And maybe I just wanted to believe this would work, that if I said-" he runs his hands through his hair, "that if I said I loved you I would eventually believe it."

He takes the knife out and sinks it in again.

"But," my voice is hoarse and empty, "nothing can come between us."

"A lot can Piper. Especially guys named Sean and the horrible feelings you cause from all your problems and the guilt you cause me for wanting to do certain things."

"I know you love me."

"There's a difference between loving and being in love."

This isn't my Harry my Harry wouldn't twist the knife once again.

"Harry, I'm... you're my best friend, you can't just leave me!"

"I guess you were right, we should've never let this happen."

His body turns away from me and I'm paralyzed, glued to the ground as his body leaves my flat.
I don't know how much time has passed before I sink to the floor, my arms wrapping around my folded knees.

I don't know what just happened.

Harry left me, he left me! Because... I don't know.

Yes, I did hang out with Niall, Bella and Sean, but I barely know the guy! And Harry chose to believe rumors over me. And I make him stress and worry, I always feared he'd spend too much time worrying about me.

He said he doesn't really love you...

He does, I know he does! I can see it in the way his eyes looked away and how hard it was for him to say it. Right?

No, he just wanted to eventually believe it, but you're not good enough for him.

I'm not.

He deserves someone who won't cause him any anguish.

But he loves me.

No.

He loves me.

No. He said it, it came out of his lips.

He loves me?

He's not in love with you!!!

My body starts rocking back and forth. I can't process any of this. Everything he said was confusing, and cold, and not my Harry.

Maybe he was never mine to claim. Maybe he just needed to see how much trouble I cause him to realize that he can't deal with my shit. He has his own things to worry about.

But he loves me, my Harry would be here comforting me and making me feel better and not miserable and alone.

Alone.

There's an emptiness, a whole body, a whole beating, beautiful heart that is gone. Gone because it doesn't feel the way I do, because it never loved me how I did it.

I stand and, slowly and painfully, make my way to my bed where I slump and cry some more.

My bed is empty, like my chest. He took it out I don't know what he did to it. My whole body is confused. I grab a pillow and hug it to myself, biting the pillow and screaming into it.

My bed is empty again, but this time he won't come back. This time, although our bodies are in the same place he won't come to see me.

My body is cold, and I shiver as the feeling stretches through my body despite the sweats and jumper, the warm bed and heavy pillow. As long as his body and soul is away from me, I will always be cold.

*THIRD*

Niall and Bella show up. I tell them to leave but they refuse to, so I decide the best thing to do is to let them distract me, to let them take my mind away from loneliness and pain I feel. A pain I want to ignore at all costs. I take three, four, five, six, bears from Niall. My mind is fuzzy and my mind can't seem to shut up. I let them carry me to my bed and close my eyes for a couple minutes, hours, days.

Days pass by and I don’t show up to work on Monday. I called Markie on his birthday and hung up immediately after disclosing that Harry… broke up with me. I slump onto my couch and pretend, for my own sake, to watch telly. My phone keeps vibrating but I ignore it, allowing the numbness and emptiness to overtake me.

I text Nick on Wednesday… or is it Thurday? I don’t know, but my eyes have adjusted to the dark of my room, the lights haven’t been on since Niall and Bella were here.

Nick: I quit.

I need everything that has to do with him as far away from me as possible. As soon as I send the text I toss my phone under my bed, to not be tempted to listen to his voice like the first days, torturing myself with his blissfulness. Because if I hear his voice I will picture his face, I will see his green eyes, his dimpled smile, his perfect nose, the mole on the side of his chin, his pink lips, his messy hair, his furrowed eyebrows, his mouth moving as he speaks my nightmares, his eyes looking away from me and his body leaving.

Markie shows up and turns on the lights in my living room. He turns on the telly, sits next to me and hugs me, I cry again. I don’t speak. I haven't since I told Niall and Bella to fuck off but they wouldn’t. I know she’s gone with him on tour. I don’t want to hear it.

“I spoke to dad,” he whispers against my ear, “he says he’s sorry about everything, that he wasn’t really thinking.”

I pull away from Markie and look down at my hands. I took off the ring I stole from him, but I couldn’t toss it.

“I see you managed to bathe, at least,” he laughs, I give him the smallest smile, it's all my muscles can manage, but I don’t look at him.

“Dad says you should come and stay at the house, Jane would love to have you, and you need your family Piper.”

I know I do, it’s the first time in my life when I need my family and not a friend. I need to keep away from everything that revolves around him, and right now, that means my father and Jane, and Prim, and Nan, and Markie.

I never thought I would need him, but my father is asking for forgiveness and is asking me to go to him when I need clarity. I know I’ve been acting crazy, that I can’t ignore my father forever, especially after the fight, and that I need something concrete and stable. I quit my job, I have no money, no plan, no friends, no love, and I’m in pain. The only ones who want to help is my family, and I have to accept that my life has to change once again.

We rely too much in one another.

And I need to rely on someone who doesn’t mean to hurt me.

As I step through the doors of my new room, my life makes no sense. I’m lost and disoriented.
I feel uncomfortable with insecurity washing through me. All I want is for the rose and “things I can” tattoos to wrap around me, but those are things I can’t wish for anymore. He and I can’t go from here, there is no way we can go back to the start, the thought makes my head spin and I have to sit on my new, cold, bed to breathe. It’s cold, and empty. Everything seems to be cold and empty now.



First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle
Fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little

Notes