Mistreated
Identify
Monday January 27th
Harry’s POV:
Ah, I finally get to go to school. Honestly, I don’t want to go to school, but I can’t wait to see my beautiful girlfriend. I’m not mad at her for forgetting about me on Thursday, but I’m disappointed that I haven’t seen her since Wednesday. She’s been acting weird and she won’t speak to anyone. Not Niall, not Perrie, not Eleanor, not me. Something’s up, and I haven’t been there for her. I just hope she’s okay. She says she is, but she didn’t sound okay over the phone on Friday. Which is weird because when I called her this morning and said I’d pick her up, she was chipper.
I pulled up to her house feeling nervous as hell. When I asked Niall about Iris, he said, “Just wait until you see her.” What’s that supposed to mean? So yes, the nerves were taking over every part of my body. I don’t know what to expect when I see her.
As I slid out of my car, I could hear heels clacking from the direction of her house. I whipped my head towards the house, finally realizing what Niall meant when I saw her. I stood in awe, trying to identify the person who stood before me, even though I knew it was Iris. She wore a loose maroon dress that had one big cut on each shoulder to show off her shining skin. It barely covered her ass, which I had mixed feelings about: I like it, but I don’t want other people seeing her dressed like that. She wore velvety black heels and carried a black bag that had its fabric scrunched into a bow on the front of it.
Then there was her makeup. It was so heavy and dark. Her eye shadow was silver from the inner part of her eye until it reached the other side that was completed with black eye shadow. Eyeliner and mascara also covered her beautiful eyes. I felt like the makeup stood out more than her own eyes, hiding the beauty I always find myself gazing at. She also wore black nail polish and red lipstick. Lipstick. She hates lipstick and she knows I’m not very fond of it either. Lastly, she had her hair in a messy sock bun in which a black bow sat in between the bun and her head. At least her bun showed off something that’s her: her hearing aids.
“Hey,” she squealed and pulled me into a big hug. Who is she? Don’t get me wrong, I love this look on her, but this isn’t Iris. “Is something wrong?” she pouted as she pulled away.
“Uh, no,” I shook the thoughts out my mind. There’s got to be a logical explanation as to why she’s dressed like this. I smiled at her and stroked her cheek, “I missed you, Angel.”
“I missed you too,” she bit her lip in the most seductive way. It’s going to be so hard to keep my hands off this girl.
I rubbed her shoulders, “Aren’t you cold?”
She giggled that adorable giggle I’ve missed hearing, “I’m fine, Babe. Besides, I got you to warm me up,” she winked. Seriously, who is she?
We walked hand-in-hand into the school, and she was strangely not nervous about it. Does she not care anymore? She’s finally okay with it? Even stranger, people were either smiling at her or dodging her. A few girls’ eyes bulged in sight of Iris before they ran out of the hall. What’s going on?
I leaned down so my mouth was by her ear, “Am I missing something?”
“Not much,” she shrugged. Then, she stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and began playing with my curls as I tried searching her blue-green eyes for clues of emotions she’s feeling. She may be wearing a smile on that bright face of her’s, but I can see the sadness in her eyes…and fear?
I cupped her cheeks, “Angel, what’s wrong?” She just shook her head with a half-smile on her face and pulled me into a hug. What happened to my girl? “Talk to me,” I pleaded.
She chuckled, a sudden change of emotion overtaking her, “I’m fine, Harry. I just missed hugging you.”
“Are you sure?” I asked as I pulled away, keeping one arm wrapped around her tiny waist.
She smiled, “Yeah. Why don’t you go hang out with the group? I’m gonna go find Riley.”
“Okay,” I nodded before kissing her on the cheek and watching her walk away. Wait, did she just say Riley? What the fuck is going on? I walked over to the group and immediately got attacked with hugs by the girls and Louis.
“How are you feeling?” Perrie shot me a sympathetic smile and hugged one of my arms.
I looked up at the ceiling and placed my fists on my hips, “Super.” I received laughs from the group before I heard Niall clearing his throat. I furrowed my brows, “Yes, Nialler?”
“So you saw her?” he crossed his arms.
“Yeah, she looks hot,” I chuckled before receiving a slap on the arm from Perrie. “What was that for?” I whined as I rubbed my stinging arm.
“If you weren’t such a boy, you’d realize there’s something off about her,” she rolled her eyes.
I sighed and ran my fingers through my curls, “Believe me, I noticed. What happened while I was gone? And does someone wanna tell me why she’s talking to Riley?” The whole group exchanged some weird looks that I couldn’t figure out. “Uh, hello?” I waved my hands to regain their attention.
“Maybe we should tell you at lunch,” Liam groaned.
Zayn shook his head, “It’s probably better to just tell him now since she’s not over here.”
“Just spit it out,” I snapped.
“Where should we start?” Niall shook his head in annoyance. “With how she purposely made Scott touch her or how she worked against the school with Riley?”
“What? You let Scott touch her!” I snarled.
He groaned, rubbing his temple, “No, she taunted him into touching her. She wanted him to touch her so she could get him busted. She says she wasn’t scared, but I could see how shaken up she was.”
“Tell me he’s lying,” I begged the group.
Eleanor shook her head, “He’s suspended until Wednesday.”
“If I knew what she was doing, I would’ve stopped her,” Niall reassured me. I can't believe Mercy would risk putting herself in more danger like that. I hate the thought of that Bastard touching my girl. I'm going to kill him.
“I…W…What else did she do?” I finally managed to ask.
Liam sighed, “Haz, she's basically Riley.”
Louis nervously chuckled, “Do all the girls you date go ‘crazy over power’?” Everyone, including me glared at him. Now was not the time for jokes. “Sorry,” he frowned.
“What do you mean she's basically Riley?” I leaned my weight onto a locker trying to take this all in.
“Well for starters, she became friends with her,” Sophia said without making eye contact.
Zayn bit this inside of his cheek before saying, “She was helping out a group of people by pulling silly pranks on their bullies, but it turned out to become a ‘let’s prank all of the bullies’ kind of thing.”
“In other words, she lost her mind,” Perrie stared hard at the ceiling.
“Perrie!” I snapped.
“I’m sorry for stating the truth, Haz,” she barked back.
They spent the rest of the time we had before the bell rang telling me about all the pranks she pulled. The itching powder, the peanuts, and the peppers. Liam said Iris pulled shit on a teacher and the wannabes too. They all said she got called up the office with Riley and they mysteriously got out of trouble for it. Now, people in these halls either respect Iris or fear her. Iris has became Riley…
“Dude, your girlfriend is insane,” “Kudos to you on that girl, Man,” “Iris Mercer is hot,” “She’s psyching me out.” I’ve been hearing so many things about her all day. It’s driving me insane. Just on Wednesday, Iris was her normal self and with a snap of the fingers, she was someone else. I’m not even sure Iris knows what she’s doing.
It was finally lunchtime and I spotted Riley in the hallway. I gritted my teeth at the sight of her. I thought she wasn’t going to be that Bitch anymore. I thought she was done with the bullying bullshit.
I stomped over to her and pressed her against the wall, “What did you do to my girlfriend?”
“Harry,” she frowned and lightly pushed my chest away. “I didn’t do anything, I swear. She came to me for help that I gladly gave her.”
“What did she want from you?”
She shrugged, “She needed ideas for pranks. She told me I had to help her since I owed it to her. I was just doing her a favor.”
“This isn’t like her though,” I turned away from her and gripped my hair. “You had something to do with this.”
“No,” she said softly. “She told me on Friday why she was doing it.” I turned to her for answers but she just shook her head. “I’m sorry, but she told me not to tell anyone, so if you want to know so badly, you have to ask her.”
“Oh so now you decide to be all loyal?” I scoffed.
Her shoulders slumped as she frowned at the floor, “I don’t know how many times I have to apologize for that. I am sorry. I’ll always regret what I did.”
I sighed while pinching the bridge of my nose, “I’m sorry, Ry. I’m just-“
“I know,” she smiled sensitively. “She needs you, Harry. You just really need to talk to her.”
I nodded, “Okay, I’ll talk to her about it after school. I’m gonna go eat lunch with her for now.”
“She’s not going to be in the cafeteria.”
“What do you mean?” I furrowed my brows.
“She thinks Niall and the others hate her,” She pointed at the cafeteria door.
I scrunched my face, “But they don’t. They’re worried about her.”
“I know that, but she just won’t get it to her head,” she brushed her fingers through her hair. “I tried so hard to help her, but like I said, she needs you.”
Mercy, why won’t you let anyone help you?
“Hey,” I smiled at Iris as she walked out of the school.
“Hey,” she smiled. “Ready to go?”
I playfully rolled my eyes, “Fuck yeah.”
She snickered, “Same old Harry.” She makes it sound like I should change with her or something.
“Let’s uh, let’s go to the track,” I suggested.
She nodded, “Sounds good.”
We walked over to my car and I opened the door for her. She giggled and did a curtsy before climbing into the car. Once she was situated, I closed the door for her and made my way over to my side. As I slid into my seat, I thought about how that curtsy was a part of Iris that was still in there. My goofball that I adore so much is hidden under that shell somewhere.
The whole drive to the track was consisted of silence. It wasn’t our usual silence; instead the air was filled with awkwardness. Why did it feel this way? She just sat there staring out the window, occasionally shooting me puzzled looks. I couldn’t even tell what she was so confused about. The silence? The awkwardness? As she sits there, I feel like she’s drifting apart from me by the second while she buries herself deeper into that shell.
Once I pulled over on the street by the track, she didn’t even wait for me to open her door for her. She just got out, took off her heels and carried them along with her bag to the track. She didn’t even give me a single glance as she walked over there. I feel like I worried her with the quietness. I just didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone you barely know? I feel like I barely know her…
Then, the strangest thing happened. We reached the track and she chucked her heels one-by-one against the ground. She fell to her knees and let out a low growl as she placed her head into her hands.
“Mercy,” I whispered as I knelt down in front of her. I removed her hands from her face and tangled them with mine. Her blue-green eyes frowned at my orbs. I missed those eyes, I missed holding her, I missed kissing her, and I missed her.
She closed her eyes and leaned in, pressing her lips into mine. I know I need to talk to her, but I missed this. No, I craved this: her pale pink, kissable lips that are hidden underneath that lipstick. She pushed me back a little so she could straddle my lap to make the kiss deeper. She forced her tongue through my lips and I moaned in approval as I pressed my hand against her neck in attempt to get us even closer together. Her sweet mouth tasted like bubblegum and the smell of her vanilla perfume was filling my nose. She doesn’t wear perfume.
I tried pulling away, but she only kissed me harder. My eyes flew open when I felt her palm my dick through my jeans. What is she doing? Stop, you need to talk to her you idiot. She palmed me again, making an unwanted moan escape from my mouth and fill her’s. She feels so good.
No, stop Harry. I gently gripped her shoulders and pushed away. “Stop,” I panted. “Just…” I tried to catch my breath and ran my hands through my hair. “Just stop.”
“Why?” her eyes were filled with hurt. “Do you not want me anymore?”
“I don’t want you, I want Iris,” I blurted out. Well, fuck. I shouldn’t have said that, even if it was the truth. She nodded, her eyes filling with tears as she climbed off my lap. “Don’t do this,” I sighed. “Come here.”
“Who?” she sniffled. “Me or Iris?” Okay, I’m officially a douche bag. I watched her stand up and start gathering her things.
I felt a pain in my chest just looking at her, “Please don’t run away again.” She always does.
“Harry,” her voice broke before letting out a sharp breath. “No one wants to be around me. I might as well do everyone a favor and just go.”
“No, no, no,” I stood up and gripped her wrist. “Don’t say that.”
“Don’t worry,” she frowned. “I won’t kill myself.” With that, she yanked her wrist back and walked away.
Why did those last four words sting so much? It sounded like she meant it as an insult. I just worry about her, is that so wrong?
What even just happened? I just turned down sex with the girl I’d wait forever to be intimate with. The thing is, it didn’t feel like a mistake to turn her down. She’s not herself. I’m not even sure if that’s what she wanted. She’s so lost. I need to run after her. I need to help her. Why won’t my feet move? Why am I frozen?
Iris’s POV:
I tried having sex with him and it scared me. I know he'd be careful and I know he would never hurt me, but just saying the word frightens me, reminding me of the rape all over again. I didn't want it, but I thought I was losing him. I thought it was my last resort. Then, he just rejected me, which in a way I'm relieved he did. He knew I didn't want it, and he didn't want it either.
I ran away from him. I left him like the idiot I am. Why did I do that? He wanted to help, I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t mean to hurt me with what he said, but the words still replay in my head, stabbing a dagger deeper into my heart every time.
“I don’t want you, I want Iris.”
I want Iris too, Harry. I don’t know where she is, but she’s too scared to come out. I buried her deep so I could have more freewill. I wanted her to disappear. I was ashamed of her. Now, I just miss her. I miss me.
I found a park miles away from the track. The park had a playground which had a couple of people swinging on its swing set. It had a pond, where ducks swam and ate the bread that people would toss to them. It had benches for people to sit at and enjoy the view or think about life.
Life. The life I ruined. It’s all my fault. I pushed people away. I treated everyone awfully. Niall, Liam, the rest of the group, the whole school, and now Harry.
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself.”
I intentionally made him feel horrible. I made him think it’s wrong to be protective of me. All this time I kept saying I wanted him to stop suffocating me, but was he really ever suffocating me at all? Sure, cutting my meat was a little much, but I should’ve just told him to stop. Instead, I started a war with everyone and myself, all over feeling like I was drowning. Now I’m sinking in the deep end, fighting for my last breaths.
I was wrong. I need him. I need all of them. I didn’t want their protection even though that’s what I desired most. I’m so stupid. I'm a bully, just like everyone warned me I'd be. I didn't listen, being too stubborn for my own good. If I could take it all back, I would.
I set my stuff onto an empty bench after pulling Harry’s iPod and headphones out of my purse. I pulled my hearing aids out of my ears and placed them into my bag. Then, I placed the ear buds into my ears and began my search for a song. Once I found the perfect song, “Dark Side” by Kelly Clarkson, I pulled out the top of my dress and placed the iPod securely into my bra. Now, I can dance without a care of who's watching me.
Oh oh, oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?
I stuck on hand in the air and the other stuck out to my side as I lifted up my leg and bent it behind me to slowly twirl. I straightened my leg out and kicked it up into a circle. Once it landed to the ground, I went to my knees onto the grass. I rolled to the side and stood back up on my feet.
I leaned my torso to the side and lifted my leg straight into the air, parallel with my arm as the other arm was parallel to my head and I twirled again. I set my foot to the ground and did a small leap.
I placed my foot onto my other thigh and placed my hands together to form and ‘o’ with my arms as I twirled a few more times. I gracefully twirled away from the direction I was facing before.
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
I turned back around and tiptoed towards my stuff. I bent down and pushed away the air that was around me. I stood up straight and pushed the air to my side as I turned away from it, before twirling back towards it.
I bent back over and faced my flat palms towards my legs and lifted myself up, keeping my palms scanning up my body. Once my hands waved before my face, I threw them up in the air and twirled again and again and again.
I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t care if everyone could see my lacey black underwear. I didn’t care that my feet hurt from all the heels I’ve worn. I didn’t care that I was getting dizzy with every spin. I have a scary dark side. One that I feel trapped in. One I can’t rid myself of. I do need help, I finally admit it. I desire someone.
Just on cue, two arms stopped me from spinning. I blinked repeatedly and held my head as I tried to focus in on the person. Once the dizziness began to subside, I saw my hero. Niall. His blue eyes frowning into mine.
A waterfall of tears, the first tears I have shed in front of someone in what feels like forever, streamed down my face. I gripped the back of Niall’s t-shirt and pulled myself into his torso and sobbed uncontrollably. He soothingly ran his strong hands up and down my back as he kissed my head.
“Niall,” I looked up at him with my foggy eyes. “Who am I, Niall? I’m so scared of who I've become.”
He pulled me back into his chest and squeezed me tight as the music continued to play in my ears:
Don't run away
Don't run away
Don't run away
Promise you'll stay
Harry’s POV:
Ah, I finally get to go to school. Honestly, I don’t want to go to school, but I can’t wait to see my beautiful girlfriend. I’m not mad at her for forgetting about me on Thursday, but I’m disappointed that I haven’t seen her since Wednesday. She’s been acting weird and she won’t speak to anyone. Not Niall, not Perrie, not Eleanor, not me. Something’s up, and I haven’t been there for her. I just hope she’s okay. She says she is, but she didn’t sound okay over the phone on Friday. Which is weird because when I called her this morning and said I’d pick her up, she was chipper.
I pulled up to her house feeling nervous as hell. When I asked Niall about Iris, he said, “Just wait until you see her.” What’s that supposed to mean? So yes, the nerves were taking over every part of my body. I don’t know what to expect when I see her.
As I slid out of my car, I could hear heels clacking from the direction of her house. I whipped my head towards the house, finally realizing what Niall meant when I saw her. I stood in awe, trying to identify the person who stood before me, even though I knew it was Iris. She wore a loose maroon dress that had one big cut on each shoulder to show off her shining skin. It barely covered her ass, which I had mixed feelings about: I like it, but I don’t want other people seeing her dressed like that. She wore velvety black heels and carried a black bag that had its fabric scrunched into a bow on the front of it.
Then there was her makeup. It was so heavy and dark. Her eye shadow was silver from the inner part of her eye until it reached the other side that was completed with black eye shadow. Eyeliner and mascara also covered her beautiful eyes. I felt like the makeup stood out more than her own eyes, hiding the beauty I always find myself gazing at. She also wore black nail polish and red lipstick. Lipstick. She hates lipstick and she knows I’m not very fond of it either. Lastly, she had her hair in a messy sock bun in which a black bow sat in between the bun and her head. At least her bun showed off something that’s her: her hearing aids.
“Hey,” she squealed and pulled me into a big hug. Who is she? Don’t get me wrong, I love this look on her, but this isn’t Iris. “Is something wrong?” she pouted as she pulled away.
“Uh, no,” I shook the thoughts out my mind. There’s got to be a logical explanation as to why she’s dressed like this. I smiled at her and stroked her cheek, “I missed you, Angel.”
“I missed you too,” she bit her lip in the most seductive way. It’s going to be so hard to keep my hands off this girl.
I rubbed her shoulders, “Aren’t you cold?”
She giggled that adorable giggle I’ve missed hearing, “I’m fine, Babe. Besides, I got you to warm me up,” she winked. Seriously, who is she?
We walked hand-in-hand into the school, and she was strangely not nervous about it. Does she not care anymore? She’s finally okay with it? Even stranger, people were either smiling at her or dodging her. A few girls’ eyes bulged in sight of Iris before they ran out of the hall. What’s going on?
I leaned down so my mouth was by her ear, “Am I missing something?”
“Not much,” she shrugged. Then, she stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and began playing with my curls as I tried searching her blue-green eyes for clues of emotions she’s feeling. She may be wearing a smile on that bright face of her’s, but I can see the sadness in her eyes…and fear?
I cupped her cheeks, “Angel, what’s wrong?” She just shook her head with a half-smile on her face and pulled me into a hug. What happened to my girl? “Talk to me,” I pleaded.
She chuckled, a sudden change of emotion overtaking her, “I’m fine, Harry. I just missed hugging you.”
“Are you sure?” I asked as I pulled away, keeping one arm wrapped around her tiny waist.
She smiled, “Yeah. Why don’t you go hang out with the group? I’m gonna go find Riley.”
“Okay,” I nodded before kissing her on the cheek and watching her walk away. Wait, did she just say Riley? What the fuck is going on? I walked over to the group and immediately got attacked with hugs by the girls and Louis.
“How are you feeling?” Perrie shot me a sympathetic smile and hugged one of my arms.
I looked up at the ceiling and placed my fists on my hips, “Super.” I received laughs from the group before I heard Niall clearing his throat. I furrowed my brows, “Yes, Nialler?”
“So you saw her?” he crossed his arms.
“Yeah, she looks hot,” I chuckled before receiving a slap on the arm from Perrie. “What was that for?” I whined as I rubbed my stinging arm.
“If you weren’t such a boy, you’d realize there’s something off about her,” she rolled her eyes.
I sighed and ran my fingers through my curls, “Believe me, I noticed. What happened while I was gone? And does someone wanna tell me why she’s talking to Riley?” The whole group exchanged some weird looks that I couldn’t figure out. “Uh, hello?” I waved my hands to regain their attention.
“Maybe we should tell you at lunch,” Liam groaned.
Zayn shook his head, “It’s probably better to just tell him now since she’s not over here.”
“Just spit it out,” I snapped.
“Where should we start?” Niall shook his head in annoyance. “With how she purposely made Scott touch her or how she worked against the school with Riley?”
“What? You let Scott touch her!” I snarled.
He groaned, rubbing his temple, “No, she taunted him into touching her. She wanted him to touch her so she could get him busted. She says she wasn’t scared, but I could see how shaken up she was.”
“Tell me he’s lying,” I begged the group.
Eleanor shook her head, “He’s suspended until Wednesday.”
“If I knew what she was doing, I would’ve stopped her,” Niall reassured me. I can't believe Mercy would risk putting herself in more danger like that. I hate the thought of that Bastard touching my girl. I'm going to kill him.
“I…W…What else did she do?” I finally managed to ask.
Liam sighed, “Haz, she's basically Riley.”
Louis nervously chuckled, “Do all the girls you date go ‘crazy over power’?” Everyone, including me glared at him. Now was not the time for jokes. “Sorry,” he frowned.
“What do you mean she's basically Riley?” I leaned my weight onto a locker trying to take this all in.
“Well for starters, she became friends with her,” Sophia said without making eye contact.
Zayn bit this inside of his cheek before saying, “She was helping out a group of people by pulling silly pranks on their bullies, but it turned out to become a ‘let’s prank all of the bullies’ kind of thing.”
“In other words, she lost her mind,” Perrie stared hard at the ceiling.
“Perrie!” I snapped.
“I’m sorry for stating the truth, Haz,” she barked back.
They spent the rest of the time we had before the bell rang telling me about all the pranks she pulled. The itching powder, the peanuts, and the peppers. Liam said Iris pulled shit on a teacher and the wannabes too. They all said she got called up the office with Riley and they mysteriously got out of trouble for it. Now, people in these halls either respect Iris or fear her. Iris has became Riley…
“Dude, your girlfriend is insane,” “Kudos to you on that girl, Man,” “Iris Mercer is hot,” “She’s psyching me out.” I’ve been hearing so many things about her all day. It’s driving me insane. Just on Wednesday, Iris was her normal self and with a snap of the fingers, she was someone else. I’m not even sure Iris knows what she’s doing.
It was finally lunchtime and I spotted Riley in the hallway. I gritted my teeth at the sight of her. I thought she wasn’t going to be that Bitch anymore. I thought she was done with the bullying bullshit.
I stomped over to her and pressed her against the wall, “What did you do to my girlfriend?”
“Harry,” she frowned and lightly pushed my chest away. “I didn’t do anything, I swear. She came to me for help that I gladly gave her.”
“What did she want from you?”
She shrugged, “She needed ideas for pranks. She told me I had to help her since I owed it to her. I was just doing her a favor.”
“This isn’t like her though,” I turned away from her and gripped my hair. “You had something to do with this.”
“No,” she said softly. “She told me on Friday why she was doing it.” I turned to her for answers but she just shook her head. “I’m sorry, but she told me not to tell anyone, so if you want to know so badly, you have to ask her.”
“Oh so now you decide to be all loyal?” I scoffed.
Her shoulders slumped as she frowned at the floor, “I don’t know how many times I have to apologize for that. I am sorry. I’ll always regret what I did.”
I sighed while pinching the bridge of my nose, “I’m sorry, Ry. I’m just-“
“I know,” she smiled sensitively. “She needs you, Harry. You just really need to talk to her.”
I nodded, “Okay, I’ll talk to her about it after school. I’m gonna go eat lunch with her for now.”
“She’s not going to be in the cafeteria.”
“What do you mean?” I furrowed my brows.
“She thinks Niall and the others hate her,” She pointed at the cafeteria door.
I scrunched my face, “But they don’t. They’re worried about her.”
“I know that, but she just won’t get it to her head,” she brushed her fingers through her hair. “I tried so hard to help her, but like I said, she needs you.”
Mercy, why won’t you let anyone help you?
“Hey,” I smiled at Iris as she walked out of the school.
“Hey,” she smiled. “Ready to go?”
I playfully rolled my eyes, “Fuck yeah.”
She snickered, “Same old Harry.” She makes it sound like I should change with her or something.
“Let’s uh, let’s go to the track,” I suggested.
She nodded, “Sounds good.”
We walked over to my car and I opened the door for her. She giggled and did a curtsy before climbing into the car. Once she was situated, I closed the door for her and made my way over to my side. As I slid into my seat, I thought about how that curtsy was a part of Iris that was still in there. My goofball that I adore so much is hidden under that shell somewhere.
The whole drive to the track was consisted of silence. It wasn’t our usual silence; instead the air was filled with awkwardness. Why did it feel this way? She just sat there staring out the window, occasionally shooting me puzzled looks. I couldn’t even tell what she was so confused about. The silence? The awkwardness? As she sits there, I feel like she’s drifting apart from me by the second while she buries herself deeper into that shell.
Once I pulled over on the street by the track, she didn’t even wait for me to open her door for her. She just got out, took off her heels and carried them along with her bag to the track. She didn’t even give me a single glance as she walked over there. I feel like I worried her with the quietness. I just didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone you barely know? I feel like I barely know her…
Then, the strangest thing happened. We reached the track and she chucked her heels one-by-one against the ground. She fell to her knees and let out a low growl as she placed her head into her hands.
“Mercy,” I whispered as I knelt down in front of her. I removed her hands from her face and tangled them with mine. Her blue-green eyes frowned at my orbs. I missed those eyes, I missed holding her, I missed kissing her, and I missed her.
She closed her eyes and leaned in, pressing her lips into mine. I know I need to talk to her, but I missed this. No, I craved this: her pale pink, kissable lips that are hidden underneath that lipstick. She pushed me back a little so she could straddle my lap to make the kiss deeper. She forced her tongue through my lips and I moaned in approval as I pressed my hand against her neck in attempt to get us even closer together. Her sweet mouth tasted like bubblegum and the smell of her vanilla perfume was filling my nose. She doesn’t wear perfume.
I tried pulling away, but she only kissed me harder. My eyes flew open when I felt her palm my dick through my jeans. What is she doing? Stop, you need to talk to her you idiot. She palmed me again, making an unwanted moan escape from my mouth and fill her’s. She feels so good.
No, stop Harry. I gently gripped her shoulders and pushed away. “Stop,” I panted. “Just…” I tried to catch my breath and ran my hands through my hair. “Just stop.”
“Why?” her eyes were filled with hurt. “Do you not want me anymore?”
“I don’t want you, I want Iris,” I blurted out. Well, fuck. I shouldn’t have said that, even if it was the truth. She nodded, her eyes filling with tears as she climbed off my lap. “Don’t do this,” I sighed. “Come here.”
“Who?” she sniffled. “Me or Iris?” Okay, I’m officially a douche bag. I watched her stand up and start gathering her things.
I felt a pain in my chest just looking at her, “Please don’t run away again.” She always does.
“Harry,” her voice broke before letting out a sharp breath. “No one wants to be around me. I might as well do everyone a favor and just go.”
“No, no, no,” I stood up and gripped her wrist. “Don’t say that.”
“Don’t worry,” she frowned. “I won’t kill myself.” With that, she yanked her wrist back and walked away.
Why did those last four words sting so much? It sounded like she meant it as an insult. I just worry about her, is that so wrong?
What even just happened? I just turned down sex with the girl I’d wait forever to be intimate with. The thing is, it didn’t feel like a mistake to turn her down. She’s not herself. I’m not even sure if that’s what she wanted. She’s so lost. I need to run after her. I need to help her. Why won’t my feet move? Why am I frozen?
Iris’s POV:
I tried having sex with him and it scared me. I know he'd be careful and I know he would never hurt me, but just saying the word frightens me, reminding me of the rape all over again. I didn't want it, but I thought I was losing him. I thought it was my last resort. Then, he just rejected me, which in a way I'm relieved he did. He knew I didn't want it, and he didn't want it either.
I ran away from him. I left him like the idiot I am. Why did I do that? He wanted to help, I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t mean to hurt me with what he said, but the words still replay in my head, stabbing a dagger deeper into my heart every time.
“I don’t want you, I want Iris.”
I want Iris too, Harry. I don’t know where she is, but she’s too scared to come out. I buried her deep so I could have more freewill. I wanted her to disappear. I was ashamed of her. Now, I just miss her. I miss me.
I found a park miles away from the track. The park had a playground which had a couple of people swinging on its swing set. It had a pond, where ducks swam and ate the bread that people would toss to them. It had benches for people to sit at and enjoy the view or think about life.
Life. The life I ruined. It’s all my fault. I pushed people away. I treated everyone awfully. Niall, Liam, the rest of the group, the whole school, and now Harry.
“Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself.”
I intentionally made him feel horrible. I made him think it’s wrong to be protective of me. All this time I kept saying I wanted him to stop suffocating me, but was he really ever suffocating me at all? Sure, cutting my meat was a little much, but I should’ve just told him to stop. Instead, I started a war with everyone and myself, all over feeling like I was drowning. Now I’m sinking in the deep end, fighting for my last breaths.
I was wrong. I need him. I need all of them. I didn’t want their protection even though that’s what I desired most. I’m so stupid. I'm a bully, just like everyone warned me I'd be. I didn't listen, being too stubborn for my own good. If I could take it all back, I would.
I set my stuff onto an empty bench after pulling Harry’s iPod and headphones out of my purse. I pulled my hearing aids out of my ears and placed them into my bag. Then, I placed the ear buds into my ears and began my search for a song. Once I found the perfect song, “Dark Side” by Kelly Clarkson, I pulled out the top of my dress and placed the iPod securely into my bra. Now, I can dance without a care of who's watching me.
Oh oh, oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?
I stuck on hand in the air and the other stuck out to my side as I lifted up my leg and bent it behind me to slowly twirl. I straightened my leg out and kicked it up into a circle. Once it landed to the ground, I went to my knees onto the grass. I rolled to the side and stood back up on my feet.
I leaned my torso to the side and lifted my leg straight into the air, parallel with my arm as the other arm was parallel to my head and I twirled again. I set my foot to the ground and did a small leap.
I placed my foot onto my other thigh and placed my hands together to form and ‘o’ with my arms as I twirled a few more times. I gracefully twirled away from the direction I was facing before.
Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
I turned back around and tiptoed towards my stuff. I bent down and pushed away the air that was around me. I stood up straight and pushed the air to my side as I turned away from it, before twirling back towards it.
I bent back over and faced my flat palms towards my legs and lifted myself up, keeping my palms scanning up my body. Once my hands waved before my face, I threw them up in the air and twirled again and again and again.
I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t care if everyone could see my lacey black underwear. I didn’t care that my feet hurt from all the heels I’ve worn. I didn’t care that I was getting dizzy with every spin. I have a scary dark side. One that I feel trapped in. One I can’t rid myself of. I do need help, I finally admit it. I desire someone.
Just on cue, two arms stopped me from spinning. I blinked repeatedly and held my head as I tried to focus in on the person. Once the dizziness began to subside, I saw my hero. Niall. His blue eyes frowning into mine.
A waterfall of tears, the first tears I have shed in front of someone in what feels like forever, streamed down my face. I gripped the back of Niall’s t-shirt and pulled myself into his torso and sobbed uncontrollably. He soothingly ran his strong hands up and down my back as he kissed my head.
“Niall,” I looked up at him with my foggy eyes. “Who am I, Niall? I’m so scared of who I've become.”
He pulled me back into his chest and squeezed me tight as the music continued to play in my ears:
Don't run away
Don't run away
Don't run away
Promise you'll stay
Notes
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11/18/17