The tears run down my cheeks endlessly. My heart aches. I pull myself into a ball, curling in on myself. The words echo in my mind. They are painful. Everything is painful. I’m startling aware of everything around me. Downstairs, mum is rummaging through the kitchen, desperate to bring me out of my misery. She can’t. It’s been days, and each day that has passed only gets worse. It’s just mum and I though, since my two older sisters are away at college and my brother is away as well.

I can smell cookies being baked, but I just cry harder. I used to bake cookies with him. He’s gone now. He’s somewhere I’ll never be able to reach him, no matter how high or low I go. He’s simply gone, off the face of the Earth.

There’s a soft knock on the door. I don’t say anything, pulling my legs closer to my chest as I sniffle. Everything hurts.

“Blaire, honey, let me in.”

I don’t answer her. I don’t move at all. I just want it to go away. I want all of it to go away.

“Moping around isn’t going to bring him back.” Mum says again.

I feel sobs rack my body. I swallow them painfully, unfolding myself and moving towards my door to unlock it. She comes in, looking at my disheveled form. I can only imagine how messed up my hair looks, or even how red and puffy my eyes are.

“Oh, honey.” She says, pulling me into a hug. I don’t hug her back.

I’m numb.

She pulls away to look down at me sadly. “I’m sorry he did what he did, but you need to let go, honey. It won’t be easy, but I promise it’ll get better. How about I go to the store and get you some hot chocolate.”

Without waiting for an answer, knowing she wouldn’t get one, she leaves, closing the door softly behind her. I lock it again, this time determined. I walk stiffly to my bathroom, rummaging through the cabinet until I pull out mum’s meds that she thought she lost. I don’t even remember why I took them now.

I plug my IPod into my sound system, scrolling through the songs until I hit One Direction’s Moments.

Shut the door.
Turn the light off.
I wanna be with you.
I wanna feel your love.
I wanna lay beside you.
I cannot hide this.
Even though I try.

The tears burn my cheeks. I sing along softly, grabbing a cup of water and carrying the water and pill bottle to my bed. I grab his sweatshirt, sitting on the bed as I settle myself into the sheets.

Heart beats harder.
Time escapes me.
Trembling hands.
Touch skin.
It makes this hard girl.
And the tears stream down my face.

I sigh, slipping his sweatshirt over my head, smelling him as his smell engulfs me. I choke on my sobs once again, the emotions overwhelming. I just can’t believe he did it. I can’t believe he didn’t leave an explanation.

If we could only have this life.
For one more day.
If we could only turn back time.

You know I’ll be.
Your life.
Your voice.
Your reason to be.
My love.
My heart.
Is breathing for this.
Moment. In time.
I’ll find the words to say. Before you leave me today

I pop the pills into my mouth, lifting the water to swallow them. I grab another handful of pills, determined to get through the whole bottle. Just to be sure. The tears fall quicker, a waterfall that never wants to end. It’s too quiet, even with the music humming.

Close the door.
Throw the key.
Don’t wanna be reminded.
Don’t wanna be seen.
Don’t wanna be without you.
My judgment's clouded.
Like tonight's sky.

Hums are silent.
Voice is numb.
Try to scream out my lungs.
It makes this harder.
And the tears stream down my face.

Everything begins to slow down. The boy’s voices are soft, lulling and sad, much like me. I swallow the last handful of pills and bury myself into the blankets, inhaling deeply his smell; musky scent of smoke from his mum’s cigars, his aftershave and the oil from him working on his car. It’s painful.

My eyes close and after a few moments, I’m gone. I’m slipping.

“Blaire, wake up.” an urgent voice speaks.

I hear it. I can breathe. I can feel my chest rising and falling with each breath, and yet, I can’t move. I can’t feel my body. Is it him? Is he finally coming for me? Will we be together?

I love you, I think to myself, trying to open my mouth and speak to him. Why can’t I open my mouth? Why won’t my eyes open?

The voice doesn’t speak again. It’s dead silent, except for the beeping of a machine. At least, I think it’s a machine. I can’t be sure. After a few moments of lying here tiredly, unable to move or feel anything, I grow frustrated.

Where is that bright light you’re supposed to see?

My eyes suddenly snap open, and I flinch against the brightness of the light. Oh, there it is. Except, walls surround me, and the beeping comes from a heart monitor. I have a needle in my arm. I struggle to sit up.

“No, don’t do that.”

A hand pushes me softly back onto the bed. My eyes flicker to meet my brother’s. His are sad; worried even. Is he dead too?

“Why are you here? I’m supposed to be dead.”

He sighs, running a free hand through his hair as he grabs my hand. “You’re alive, Blaire. You were foolish, you know?”

“How did she find me?” I ask softly.

“She knocked on your door for a while. She thought you were sleeping, but after a little bit, she knew something was wrong.”

“How long have I been out?”

Liam looks away. “You’ve been out long enough that I’ve been able to take a break from touring and come when mom called me, sobbing her eyes out.”

I watch as he stares at the floor, his eyes showing so much emotion. He seems upset and aggravated and worried all at once. I look up at the ceiling, willing everything to go away. Why did mum have to find me?

Liam lets go of my hand and stands up, leaving the room without glancing back at me. I close my eyes, wanting to cry all over again. I failed. I failed, and now I won’t see him again. Who knows when I’ll see him? I let out a deep breath, opening my eyes again to stare at the ceiling.

“I can’t believe you left me here, broken. I know you can hear me, Brett. I know you’re out there somewhere. I miss you.”

A half hour later, mum and Liam come back with the doctor. It’s obvious my mum has been crying on and off. I can even tell that Liam cried some, because his eyes are tinged red. The doctor helps me sit up. I lean against the backboard of the bed, sighing as my eyes flicker over towards mum.

The doctor checks the clipboard casually. No one says a word. Liam won’t even meet my gaze. Mum stares at the floor, and I know she’s crying. Why else wouldn’t she look at me?

“Well, Blaire, you are lucky your mum found you when she did, or you wouldn’t have made it.”

I want to tell the doctor to pull the plug and kill me, but I refrain from hurting Liam and mum even more. I feel a little guilty. I shouldn’t have done that, but at the same time, I need Brett. Oh, why did he ever leave me?

“You can leave later today. We just have to run some more tests to be sure the drugs are out of your system fully.”

The doctor leaves. Mum moves closer to me, taking my hand in hers. Her dark brown eyes are filled with tears. I flinch. She doesn’t say anything. She collapses into the chair next to me, rubbing my hand softly as she just gazes at me with such a hopeless look. I look over at Liam. He runs a shaky hand through his hair.

“Blaire, mum and I have decided that you should stay with the boys and I while we tour.”

“What?”

Mum nods slowly. “The boys can watch you better than me. They have management and body guards who will be sure you’re always in sight. I-I just can’t do it.” She cries out.

I jerk forward, gripping mum’s hand tightly. “No, mum, you can’t. Brett’s funeral is in two days!”

“Yours would have been too if I hadn’t found you!”

I flinch, shoving myself away from her. I curl my legs into my chest, staring at her with wide eyes. She’s right, of course. I almost killed myself. I almost made her feel the same way Brett’s mum feels. And yet, I don’t feel any regret. I feel guilty, but I would do it all over the same way if I was given a second chance.

“It’s just better this way, okay? Please, Blaire, it’s better.”

I shrug, not able to look at any of them right now. “Whatever.” I murmur.

Mum leaves, but Liam stays a few moments longer before following her out the door.

Notes

I'm putting this on here, no idea why, to be honest. It's also on my Mibba and Wattpad. (:
-Lexi