Lost & Found

The plane ride was boring. Liam tried to talk to me, but I steadily ignored him. I’m not mad at him, I really never could, but honestly, I’m just tired. I want to lie down and sleep. I don’t want to ever get back up. I’m dreading seeing the boys, because Liam told me he let them know what happened. I know they’ll be nice about it, but I’d rather they didn’t know.

Liam and I stalk towards the luggage belt, gripping our bags as we look around for the boys. Well, actually we’re looking for a big mob of screaming fans. Surprisingly, there are no screaming fans, but also no sign of the guys. Liam groans, pulling out his phone and dialing one of their numbers.

“Louis, we’re here. Where the hell are you?”

Louis responds back, but I pointedly ignore the conversation. I could care less how long it takes them to get here. That gives me more time to prepare myself. I’m not going to let them see how sad and weak I am. I smile softly to myself, then wider. The motion hurts a little, but after a second it feels natural. I let it slip off, waiting until the boys come. I’m going to be fine, I try to reassure myself. I just have to show them that I’m fine, and then they’ll send me back home in time.

I lean against Liam, my tiredness coming back. He wraps his arm around my shoulders, helping to keep me from sinking to my knees. I’m dead tired. I’m not good at falling asleep on planes, and obviously I haven’t slept well these past few days.

“There they are.” Liam murmurs, moving his arm to my waist and basically dragging me towards them.

I let him. I put on my best smile possible. The boys grin and wave.

“Blaire, it’s been ages!” Louis exclaims. He bounces forward, pulling me out of Liam’s grasp to hug me tightly. I ignore the pain of his hug, considering the fact that I’m sore from the drugs affecting my body. I don’t say that though. They seem to not want to bring it up either.

Next, Harry hugs me, smiling softly down at me with a concerned gleam in his precious green eyes. I give him a reassuring smile, turning to Zayn next. He hugs me softly, pulling away after a second. Zayn isn’t all touchy-feely like the rest of the boys. Lastly, I turn to my favorite boy, Niall. His bright baby blue orbs capture my dull ones. His hair is brighter. He must have dyed it again recently. He pulls me close to him, chuckling softly into my hair.

“I think you’ve shrunk.” he teases.

I shrug. “Nah, you’ve grown. I knew it would happen.”

Liam grabs my bag. “Well, two years is a long time.”

“Why didn’t you visit us?” Louis asks, pretending to be hurt, but his grin gives him away.

“I was, uh, busy.” I say, feeling myself blush under their gazes.

It’s somewhat true though. I was busy with finishing school and being with Brett. I met the boys back when Liam auditioned for the X Factor for the second time. Mum and I were thrilled to see that he got in. The boys instantly became like family when they were put into the group together. After the X Factor though, they went off to do whatever it is they did, and I went back to Wolverhampton with Mum to finish school.

I don’t regret it. I plan on going to college in the fall. I’m going to be a side author. My main degree is going to be in psychology. While Liam wants to be a singer, I want to go to college and do stuff that doesn’t require paparazzi hounding me every day. There is no privacy with that kind of life.

“Well, let’s go. We have to pack tonight and head towards our next stop.”

“Are we going on another plane?” I question as we start heading towards the car.

“No, we’re taking the tour bus, since it’s not that far away.” Zayn replies.

I nod slowly. Right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I’ve refrained from doing it while Liam is around, but now with four other boys, I don’t know how I’m going to hide this.

The ride to the apartment is dead silent. I’m squashed in the back with Niall next to me. Next to Niall are Harry and then Zayn. Louis is driving with Liam in the passenger seat. I rest my head against the window. The silence is driving me crazy, but I’m afraid to say anything.

Instead of saying anything, I pull out my phone. I go into my YouTube app and search for Moments by the boys. I click on the song, turning my volume all the way up. The first sounds of music exits my phone and Niall next to me jumps a little. He turns to look at me, a smile tugging at his lovely lips.

“Want us to put the CD on?” Liam asks, turning slightly in his seat to glance at me.

I nod. “Put this song on, please?”

He nods in response. I exit the app and slip my phone back into my pocket. Liam puts the CD in the player, changing the track until he gets to Moments. The boys decide to sing along, singing their respectful parts. Inside, I’m dying, but I keep a small smile on my face to hide it. All I can think about is Brett.

“Quit it!” I laugh, yelling at him.

He smiles softly at me, laughing along with me. Then he goes serious, the laughter leaving his face. I crawl across the bed, climbing into his lap. He wraps his arms around my waist, lying his head on top of mine.

“You know I love you, right?”

“Of course, you tell me every single day.”

“Good, because I do, I love you to the moon and back.”

I lift my head up to meet his eyes. They are so dark, they almost appear black. But they shine with love and respect. I peck him on the lips. “I love you more.”

He chuckles, leaning his forehead against mine. “I don’t think so.”

“I do!” I exclaim, jumping off his lap and standing in front of him. “Let’s go make cookies.”

“You want to make cookies again?”

I nod eagerly, then scowl. Niall must be rubbing off on me.

“You sound like Niall.” Brett chuckles, as if he read my thoughts.

“That’s okay.” I say, grinning genuinely.

I don’t realize the song is over until the first lines of, One Thing is playing. We reach the apartment a few seconds later. Louis cuts the engine and we all pile out of the car. I grab my bag out of the trunk, sighing as I look up at the apartment building. I wish I could be back home, safe in Brett’s arms.

It fully hits me for the first time. Brett is gone. Gone to the point where I can’t find him on Earth.

“Blaire, come on, love.” Harry calls, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I drag my suitcase towards the apartment. We take the elevator to the third floor. Halfway down the hallway, Niall pulls out the key and unlocks the door. I follow the boys inside.

The apartment is big, definitely bigger than I actually imagined. They probably always get apartments this big. I watch as the boys move around the room, packing things. Niall heads straight to the kitchen instead though. I leave my suitcase by the door and follow him.

“You’re always hungry.” I comment.

Niall jumps, turning to smile at me sheepishly. “I can’t help it.”

I shrug, collapsing into one of the kitchen chairs. My head is pounding. I want to sleep.

“You look horrible.” Niall says. He sits in the chair across from me, munching on some chips.

“Thanks.” I reply back sarcastically.

He chuckles, popping some chips into his mouth. I lay my head on the table, closing my eyes. I wish I had some painkillers, but I doubt Liam would give me anything. I groan, lifting my head to smack it down on the table painfully.

“Blaire, what the hell are you doing?”

Niall is suddenly at my side, helping me stand up. He takes in my disgusting appearance. Dull, blue eyes tinged in a red, puffy layer; my limp brown hair, unwashed, and my sweatpants and red T-shirt with a black broken heart. I try to smile, but my head hurts even worse now. I frown instead.

“I have a headache.”

“So you hit your head on the table to help it?”

“Do you have any aspirin?” I avoid his question.

I can’t tell him that hitting my head on the table momentarily brought me from my despair. I’m not one to start cutting, but if hitting my head blocks out the emotional trauma, then maybe cutting will help to. No, I tell myself sternly. Don’t go down that road. You won’t come back out the same. Niall nods at me, his eyes shining with concern.

He leaves the room and I fall into the chair again. I grab a handful of the chips Niall was eating, popping them into my mouth. I don’t normally eat when I’m upset, but I’m bored and there is nothing better to do. Niall comes back a moment later, Louis trailing behind him. Louis, noticing that Niall is giving me some pills, grabs his arm roughly. Niall raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“You can’t give her those!” Louis hisses, thinking I can’t hear him.

I pretend I don’t, munching on chips as I listen closely to them.

“I’m only giving her two aspirin’s to help her head, Lou.”

Louis flashes his eyes over at me. “Liam would be mad.”

“What Liam doesn’t know won’t kill him.” Niall retorts.

“But it could certainly kill her.” Lou points out.

I roll my eyes. “It’s just to help my damn headache, Lou. Chill out.”

He looks up at me, biting his bottom lip with concern. He sighs. “Fine, fine, but I’m not responsible for what Liam does if he finds out.”

Louis fills a glass up with water and hands it to me as Niall shakes two pills into my hands. Before I take the pills, I look up at Lou.

“Oh, and Louis, just because I tried to kill myself once, doesn’t mean I’m going to be stupid enough to do it again.”

Even though that’s all I really want to do, I’m not stupid. Doing it twice would resort in me being sent to some crazy house. I’m not being sent to a mental institute. I’d much rather just hide everything inside for the rest of my life.

After swallowing the pills, I follow Niall to the room he was sharing with Liam. He turns to look at me, chuckling slightly. I furrow my eyebrows together, confused. What’s he laughing at? I shrug it away, glancing around the room in honest shock.

“Niall, it looks like you’ve been living here for weeks!”

He leans over, picking up miscellaneous clothes, tossing them carelessly onto the messed up bed. “Well, we get busy and I forget to clean.”

I laugh; the first laugh that has actually been real in days. I help him gather his clothes. I lift a pair of his boxers up for him to see.

“I’m keeping these.” I say with a teasing smile.

“Why?” he asks, chuckling.

“They look comfy.”

He shakes his head with a grin. I tuck the boxers under my arm and head towards the closet where his suitcase is sitting. I grab it and pull it to the bed, lifting it up. Together, Niall and I pack his clothes in there and his other stuff he just had to bring.

Just as we finish packing, Harry and Zayn appear in the doorway. Harry smiles slightly at me, his eyes boring into mine. I flush a little, feeling my heart break more. Brett used to stare at me in that same way; completely serious and concerned, as if I would break any second. Zayn reaches his hand up to fix his hair, even though it’s perfect. I roll my eyes, shuffling through my purse. I pull out a small mirror and toss it to him. He catches his perfectly, grinning.

“Thanks.”

I nod, turning to Harry. “Is it time to leave?”

“Yeah, Liam wanted me to see if you guys were done. He knows just how messy Niall can get.”

I nod, leaving the room without a second glance. Down the hallway, keep a smile on my lips. Grab my suitcase, down to the elevator, monotone. Out of the elevator, through the front hall and out the door, straight to the tour bus without bothering to see if the boys are following.

They are. We pile onto the bus, everyone placing their suitcases by the foot of their beds. Bunk beds, of course, which means that I have to sleep on the bottom. I know Liam. As I suspect, Liam and Harry claim the first two top bunk beds. Niall and Zayn argue over the last top bunk, but I watch as Louis climbs to sit on top of it, smirking at them. Neither of them notices yet. I grab the bunk under Harry, setting my bag on it. I escape the room without them noticing.

The bus is big, but not as big as it should be, considering it carries six people, not adding the management. The front of the bus is where the driver and manager sits, then the kitchen and semi-living room, then the bunk beds/bathroom area, another room of which I’m in now, and as I glance around, one last room to the back. It should definitely be bigger.

I walk to the back of the room and pull open the door, closing it behind me as I enter the room. It’s dark, but I find the light switch, flicking it on. The room is empty, besides for a couch and chair in the middle of the room. There is nothing else here.

I move towards the couch, climbing up onto it and lying down. I stare at the ceiling, sighing as my walls start to crumble. Knowing the boys, they’ll start a big argument over the beds, and then Niall will want food, which he’ll make Zayn or Liam eat with him. Harry and Louis will probably do a twitcam and call random fans. That, or Liam will start up a twitcam, which always ends up with some of the boys hanging out with him.

I admit, over the last two years, I’ve watched their twitcams. It was the only way I could still feel like I was right there next to them.

Brett leans back against the wall, wrapping his arms around my waist. I lay my head on his chest as Liam appears on the screen. He smiles at it and waves.

“Hey everyone, sorry I haven’t done a twitcam in a while.”

I can’t help but smile and want to cry at the same time. Brett chuckles in my ear. “You miss him.”

It’s not a question, but a statement. I nod, sighing. “I want to visit him, but I have to finish school.”

Brett turns me in his lap. “No, you could do it online. I know why you won’t visit him.”

I turn away from him, paying attention to my brother. Niall is on the screen now, eating Pringles. Both of them are bobbing their heads to a song, but I can’t really hear it.

“You don’t want to leave me behind. I trust you, Blaire. You don’t have to stay here just to be with me. You should go see your brother.”

I shut my eyes tightly. When I open them, Liam is laughing. His eyes are bright and happy. Niall, next to him, is grinning happily as well.

“I can’t ruin their happiness, Brett. You know why I won’t leave and it’s not because of that.”

I let my eyes droop close, eventually falling into a deep sleep.

Notes