The Story of my Life

I’ve been listening to a lot of One Direction and Little Mix lately and they have made me realize that I have one thing that truly understands me: music. It makes me feel better about myself and the world. Singing also helps, but last Friday I was singing “All I Want for Christmas is you” with Ashley and Megan for music and on one of the high note my voice cracked because I sing low and high note are hard for me. So later Jessica told me that Michael and Nathan were making fun of me for it, don’t they know how hard for me it was to go up there and sing because I think that I suck at singing and then laughing at me just makes me believe it even more. The other day when I was at the mall something Georgette said to me really got to me. She asked why someone as happy as me likes such depressing quotes. Well Georgette what if I told you that I’m not as happy I look. What if it’s just a mask I put on every day to hide the pain. But I don’t know why I feel this way is it normal? Am I supposed to feel this way? Or is it just the hormones? I haven’t told anyone these things, not because I don’t want to. Not because I don’t trust them, but because I don’t know how to put it so that they will understand. Also I still really like Nick but now I think I’m starting to like John or do I like him as a friend? I don’t know any more. Nick and I don’t talk that much and when we do things are weird. Nick has really changed, I think ‘popularity’ has gone to his head and I think Allan has been a bad influence on him. I mean Nick was a really nice funny boy, but now he’s kind of rude and mean. I think he likes Sara because he always flirts with her. But I don’t understand why she was cruel to him. Yes, when I see them together I get jealous. But I understand why he likes her. She is so much better than me. She’s tall, thin, tan skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. Me? Plane boring brown hair that won’t do anything, fat, and ugly. I am very insecure about my body. Whenever I’m with other girls I feel self conscious about my body. No one has ever called me pretty, beautiful, or even cute. Why can’t my life be like the romance novels I love so much? Where there is love at first sight and a happily ever after. I k now I’m young I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I’m 13 for goodness sake! But can’t help but feel like a waste of space. But when I hear one of my favorite One Direction songs I feel like maybe I’m not worthless. That I’m not a waste of space I can express myself in music, in singing the pain away. For example ‘Little Things’ Harry’s solo really gets to me it describes how I feel about myself. The whole song does but that solo just pops out at me. As on of my favorite quotes goes “Life is a beautiful lie, while Death is the painful truth”. It’s true life is a lie, not always beautiful but a lie all the same.

Notes

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