Things I Can, Things I Can’t

I watched as Harry paced back and forth, waiting for the arrival of his Mother and Sister who had taken some time out to come and visit us in Moscow. It was only the beginning of October, but it was freezing in Russia. I had not packed or prepared for this part of the trip, stupidly, so I found myself borrowing clothing from all male members of the crew and band.

I pulled the bobble hat left discarded on the chair over my brown nest of hair.
“Oi, that’s mine, I was gonna wear that. How many hats have you stolen from this band?”

I ignored Harry playfully and resumed my position behind Niall, who had asked me to help him go Lilac. Just as I finished applying the dye to his blonde ends, a young girl, a little older than me and Harry’s mother, who I had recognised from his phone background, entered the dressing room. She engulfed Harry in a huge hug, and teared up a bit. After consoling her, Harry brought what I believed to be his sister into his chest. She pushed him off her playfully, but I could see she was glad to see him.

“Mum, this is Annie, she’s Lou’s friend, and she’s my really good friend, too. Annie this is my mum, Anne.” He smiled and she extended a hand warmly.
“Lovely to meet you!”
“You too.” I grinned, politely. “Hope your flight wasn’t too bad?”
“Very, very cold.” She looked down at Harry’s sister. “Oh, this is Gemma, Harry’s sister. She’s just graduated!”
“Mum, you don’t need to keep introducing me as Gemma WhosJustGraduated Styles! Hi Annie.” She nodded happily and shook my hand.
“I’m just excited about it.. sorry!” Anne laughed sheepishly, and it instantly reminded me of Harry.

The conversation went on as their attention diverted to Niall, sitting in my chair with purple dye on his head. I assured them it was not going to come out a bright shade of plum, and they were satisfied when they saw it rinsed out.

“That’s so nice, actually. I want to go that colour.” Gemma said, thoughtfully.
“I can do it for you if you like. I’ve got plenty of dye.” She nodded and rubbed her chin.
“Yeah, I might take you up on that actually."
“Shall we go and eat somewhere, Mum?” Anne looked up at Harry.
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
“Ans, you wanna come?”
I was taken back slightly by his offer. Me, his mum, his sister, and him.

I obliged anyway, after a raised eyebrow look from Niall.

Harry and I had a relationship that was growing from strength, to strength. After he stayed that night, we would rarely sleep apart. We were like comfort blankets to each other. There was never any touching or sexual suggestiveness, sometimes he would sleep on the sofa, sometimes at the bottom of my bed, sometimes in my bed. Sometimes he would come in in the middle of the night, not say a word but just get in next to me.

Will had been back on the scene, and had been barraging me with text messages. I couldn’t lie. It was so hard not to reply. My feelings for him were so all over the place. But when I saw Harry, when Harry spoke to me, I’d lose any want or need to text Will. I had become petrified of being on my own. I had often wondered how I would find Christmas, when we were allowed a week or two at home and I’d be on my own in London again. I shook those thoughts, they terrified me.

Harry of course, insisted on paying for the whole sit down meal. I winced because I hated it when he did that.

“There’s an awful lot of paparazzi outside, isn’t there Harry?” His mum said as we gathered on our hats and scarves to leave.
“Yeah, they think Annie’s my girlfriend. It’s gotten a lot worse lately.” He chuckled and pulled a disgusted face. I rolled my eyes but I was more than offended my his expression, even though I knew it was a joke. What was so awful about me?

We made our way back to the arena for the boys show. I had never seen a mother bursting with so much pride and happiness as she watched her son perform. His sister, Gemma, took photos throughout too.

“Surprise!”

I jumped, even though the music was so loud I could barely hear the person who had just come up behind me. I turned around and saw a silvery haired, short, denim clad girl and knew instantly it was Lou.

A group hug took place, Eleanor, Harry’s mother and sister, and the rest of the crew. Everyone was so happy to see Lou. She took my hand.

“Come back here for a bit! Tell me what’s been happening. Lux is backstage!"

Eleanor, Lou and I all made our way back to the dressing room. The boys’ show was due to end in around fifteen minutes, so I knew they would no longer need me.

Then I saw little Lux, plodding around. I hadn’t seen her since she was a baby, so it was definitely a shock. Lou sat down and pulled her onto her lap.

“What are you doing here, Lou?!” I said, excited to see her.
“Well.. you know me, I get so bored at home. I know I need to rest and chill but I just love being with everyone on the tours. I envy you very much.” She laughed. “So I thought, Moscow’s not that far away, and I know you guys have a few days here until you fly to Beijing, so why not! Anyway, how’s it all going?”
“It’s amazing. I’ve settled in, now, I think.”
“Oh yeah? Anyone you’re particularly close to?”
I looked at Eleanor shiftily, because I knew she wanted to go off on her tangent about how Harry and I secretly loved each other.
“Well.. yeah, since all that stuff with Will.. probably Harry. He’s been so kind to me.”
“Oh shit.. yeah. I’m sorry about all of that by the way, I didn’t want him to be the one to tell you.”

I shook my head strongly.

“I think Harry has something for her.” Eleanor blurted out, and then automatically looked at me apologetically.
Lou bounced Lux on her leg, trying to keep her entertained.
“Oh yeah? Little love triangle? That’s certainly one way to get back in your ex’s face.. date an international teen sex symbol.”

We all laughed awkwardly, and were saved when the boys bounded into the room, sweaty and smelly.

“Lux!” Harry ran over to the giggling toddler and picked her up. “What the hell are you two doing here!”
“We thought we’d surprise you all!” Harry and Lou didn’t hug, instead they smashed fists.
“Look at you! Did ya miss me?” Harry kissed Lux on the cheek and she hid her head in his T-shirt.
“I think this calls for a celebration,” Liam and Niall came over with their arms around each other’s shoulders. “Shall we go out tonight?”
Everyone exchanged glances. “Yeah, I could do that.” Zayn flopped down next to us.
“Anyone able to look after Lux?”
“Yeah, me and Mum can?” Gemma said, from across the room.
Harry nodded. “Perfect, then.” He looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. “A well deserved night out."

Notes

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