“Mum, seriously, I’m over it. Do what you want.”
“Annie! You can’t not have a baby shower! It’s the most important thing of your pregnancy!” My mother was sat on the end of my bed, looking at me with pity as I tossed and scooted around, trying to get comfortable with a growing bump on me.
“Mum, it’s a baby shower. Surely the most important thing is to get the baby out safely?” I rolled my eyes, feeling my stomach stretched to it’s limits. I couldn’t take much more of this.
“If I organise you one, Annie, just promise me you’ll be there.” She said, sternly, checking my temperature and doing all the other over-the-top things she did everyday.
“I’ll be there, mum. Wouldn’t really be a baby shower otherwise."

My mother could tell I was not in the mood for conversation, so she picked herself up, forced a smile, and left. I looked through my phone. Harry didn’t text or call me anymore, unless it was in response to something I would send him. I felt as though I needed time, and time was the one thing I didn’t have. It had been almost two months since I had arrived back in the UK, and Harry had not had more than thirty-six hours off in any one period. At twenty-four weeks, I was starting to resemble a small ship and rarely left the house. The magazines posted ridiculous stories. Where’s Annie? Is 1D GF in hiding? Seriously, all I wanted to do was drown myself in ice cream and try and work out how I was going to rebuild the shambles my life had become.

I still hadn’t gotten a crib, a carseat, a pram.. this baby was going to literally live in my arms at this rate. Not to mention the fact that my mother and father, although somewhat comfortable, could not afford the costs of providing for their granddaughter, and I didn’t want them to.

I opened up a blank message, filling in my semi-regular message to Harry.

hi, harry. everything is fine today, just huge. finding it so hard to sleep. baby has kicked all night. hope China is okay.

His reply was always immediate.

hello annie. I’m sure you’re pulling off the big belly. please try and rest. call me when she kicks, if you can. miss her, and you. Love H .xx

I can’t lie. I missed him more than I have ever missed anything in my life. I needed him for everything. I would often just cry for no reason and then look around me and realise that no silly, northern-sounding curly-haired boy was going to come and start dancing next to me or doing something else completely random to cheer me up. I missed all of the little character traits. The way he was always running around. The way he was always giggling and screaming and plotting pranks. That Harry seemed like a mystery to me now. When we spoke he was so vacant, down, non-submitting. I knew I was to blame. I had pretty much told him to go screw himself until I was ready to try again - if I was ready to try again.

And so, the following week, baby-shower preparations began. My mother, father, grandparents, Frankie, and some uncles, aunts, and cousins were invited, as well as the odd family friend. I wondered how we’d all fit them in, but I’m sure my mum would be on top of that. When the day finally rolled around the following weekend, I was six and a half months, and I was huge - well, to me I was. I had always been so skinny. My boobs had started leaking milk whenever they felt like it, which made me feel even more attractive. Guiltily, I was pleased that Harry wasn’t here to see that stuff.

So, when my mother told me to don my most loveliest party dress, I wasn’t impressed. Firstly, I hadn’t been shopping for myself since before Barbados, so nothing fitted me. Secondly, who knew maternity clothes were so bloody hideous?

“Annie, sweetheart?” My mum tapped on the door and let herself into my bedroom. “I need to tell you something.” She looked up, shiftily.
“What is it?” I asked, turning to her.
“You look lovely.” She beamed, admiring my white, cotton dress.
I shook my head. “Thanks, but mum.. what is it?"

My mother looked around the room like the answer was written on the walls. Then, she finally built the courage to look at me.

“Annie, I invited Harry’s family. I’m so sorry, my darling.. but you have to invite them. They haven’t done a thing, and it’s their first grandchild. First niece.” She looked around sheepishly.
I stared at her.
“Did you have to?” I frantically started pulling make up and lipstick and anything else in my room I could find to help me look better. I sighed, dropping them all. “Mum, they hate me, I haven’t involved them at all.”
“Anne and I had a rather long phone conversation, Annie. I explained everything I felt like you couldn’t to her.” She pressed my head to her chest, embracing me as best as she could with the small balloon in between us. “She knows it’s not been easy. She also knows that Harry hasn’t made things that easy. She’s not unhappy with you, darling."

I looked up at her, and nodded. I felt ten times more stressed than before.My phone rang with a message tone.

Eleanor Calder
hello beautiful! miss you. hope that today goes perfectly for you. i wish i could be there to help you eat all that cake. send me pictures and call me asap. love you x

I had no idea where in the world Eleanor even was at the moment, nor Harry. When we had last spoken, they were making their way down to Australia from China, from Australia back to Russia.. they were just too hard to keep up with, and still had forty or so European dates before they would make it home. I placed my phone on the table, deciding to reply to that later, and face the audience of family members downstairs.

---

If one more person places their hand on my stomach, I will flip my shit. I probably even had grubby hand prints on my lovely white dress thanks to them all. The party had been going on for hours, and I wanted to go up to bed, curl into my pillows and watch a film in silence more than anything. My mother arranged us to give her speech, full of tears, talking about how young and inspirational I was. Of course it touched me, but all I could think of, was one thing. Harry should be here.

Anne was so nice to me that I just wanted to collapse on her shoulder and cry my eyes out. Gemma would constantly compliment me and press her ear against my stomach. I know I left Harry for my reasons.. but they had every right to hate me for doing that to him.

I laid out on the couch, hoping to catch a five minute break from the hustle and bustle of people in my room. I hardly noticed when the room fell dead silent.

He looked the same as he always had. The British summer was starting to turn cold and his suede jacket reflected that fact. I knew it was him as soon as I heard the familiar click of the boots across the floor, even over the hushed whispers. I knew most of my family were looking over. Nobody knew what had happened between Harry and I, except Mum, and his family. I took the guests silence as stunned surprise at seeing a popstar.

“What?” Was all I could say, as he stood in front of me. I tried twice to lift myself off the sofa, eventually hauling myself up and looking straight at him. “Why aren’t you on tour? I mean, what are you doing here?” I glanced at my mum, who looked as clueless as me. I saw Anne look somewhat guilty.

“I have four days off before Europe.” He let his hands dangle from his pockets, as if he wanted to reach out and touch my belly. “I heard.. I just thought, oh, Annie, I don’t have to explain. I just needed to see you, okay? I should be here."

I nodded slowly and indicated to the garden.

“Here.” He said, noticing me shiver and placing the jacket across my shoulders. “I didn’t mean to shock you.”
“You should have called.” I said, sourly.
“Annie, don’t be like that. Not today. I’ve travelled fourteen hours across the world to be here, and all I want is to enjoy the pregnancy that I’ve hardly been involved in.”
“Well, I’m sorry you hooked up with someone.” I spat. This was not how I wanted this to go. Why was I being such a bitch?
Harry shook his head, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “Annie, I. Did not. Hook up. With her.” He sat down on one of the steps. “Please, Annie. I’ve given up a lot to be here today.”
“Given up what exactly, Harry?” I said, my anger reaching melting point. “Last time I checked you had travelled the world, earned twenty million pounds, bought a three million pound home, toured the globe with the most famous band on it, had millions of adoring fans, your looks, your body. All at the age of twenty one.” I pointed to my stomach. “What have I given up, Harry? Well, I’m unhappy, for one. I don’t know if this baby will even have a mum and a dad. I gave up my figure, my job, my education, my dreams. And how has this pregnancy been for you, Harry, really. Tell me. Did you have to quit your expensive parties and drop your designer friends? Give up your late nights in clubs with people that don’t even give a shit about you, that just want your fame and your money? I don’t think so. I’m carrying this baby. I’m suffering. I’m the one who’s given up things, so don’t you dare start on me.”
“Oh you’ve given up things!” He stood up, throwing his arms in the air. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’ve taken you through all of the amazing things I’ve done and had you by my side and never left you out once. Anywhere I’ve been, you fucking know I’ve included you. Do you know how bratty you sound? You sound like an idiot, Annie. You’ve had more than most people your age, too, you know.” I chewed on my lip, avoiding his eyes. “Everything you haven’t done, we can do. We’ll just have a baby with us. You want to go around America? Fine, we will. You want a nice car? I’ll get you one. You want to model? You’ll get back in shape. Fucking hell, Annie. Anyone would think it’s been you holed up in hotel rooms while your girlfriend ran off with your baby inside of her. Do you honestly think its been easy?”

I paused.

“So you came here for an argument.” I said, saying anything because I knew I sounded like an asshole before anyway. “Shock."

Harry sighed, moving closer to me. “Annie, come on, you’re intelligent. I came home to see you and the baby.” He looked towards the crowds inside. “I also came home to check on the house. I’ve had decorators in for weeks, baby-proofing everything. I even turned my gym into a nursery. So don’t assume that I haven’t done anything, please."

That shut me up. His eyes softened when he saw I was lost for words, I knew he hated to argue. A far cry from the Harry I first met, loving confrontation and arrogance.

“Can we please get over this stupid fucking game?” He tilted my chin towards his face. “I know what happened wasn’t nice for you. But this, Annie, it’s gone on too long. We either move on right now or you tell me right now, and for good, that you’re done with me. Then we move on and start planning this baby’s life like adults. I can’t get these moments back, Annie.” He nodded at my stomach. “We’ve already lost a lot of time."

I swayed from side to side, feeling sulky. Then, the tears came. Then, I collapsed into him.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left. It’s been terrible without you. I’m huge, I’m a whale. I can’t pick any furniture alone, I can’t find any clothes for her.” I sniffed rapidly. “I haven’t even got a name."

Harry let out a deep sigh that sounded much like relief. “Annie, shh,” He put his hand over my hair. “Come on. You’re not huge, you’re pregnant, it’s cute. I’ve got the furniture. We’ve got plenty of clothes. And, we’ll pick a name. Hold on, Annie, why is your shirt leaking?"

I looked down and saw milk patches on either nipple. I buried my head in Harry’s chest. “I’m lactating.”

Harry looked at me like I had just told him I’d accidentally pooped all over him. I thanked God for the release of tension in this moment, seeing Harry smile and laugh for the first time in months.

“Annie, don’t worry, it’s not like this shirt cost $900. It’s only a bit of human milk.” He winked at me, sending shivers through my spine, and causing a smile to spread on my lips. He thumbed a hair off of my cheek and pulled a face. “Now,” He looked back towards the garden door. “Let me go in, shake some hands, and then.. we can drive to mine, and you can tell me if you like what I’ve done with the place."

I nodded to let him know I agreed with everything, but all I could think about telling him was how much I missed him.

“I can’t believe you’re here, Harry. I’m so sorry. Harry.. I’m so, so sorry.” I sniffed, smearing mascara across his shirt. I clung to him for dear life. It felt insane that I had spent so many months unhappy, just to have everything cleaned up in the process of fifteen minutes. Obviously we had to talk, had boundaries to set, had new rules to make.

But we were okay, again, and I was okay with that.

---

I still had my key for Harry’s home, but luckily for him, hadn’t been here in weeks. It’s just as well, seeing as he tried to hide the decorating for me as a surprise.

As soon as I walked in, I saw the metal framed, sharp-glassed finished coffee table that once sat as a centrepiece had been replaced with a soft, rounded, white smooth plastic one. The huge glass lamps that used to adorn the floors were now suspended from the walls. He really had been planning things for this place.

“Most of the house has just had little changes like that.” He nodded, grabbing my hand. “But here, come on, I want to show you something."

Harry started to leap up the stairs, but stopped and quickly ran back down once he had realised that I definitely could only take one step at a time with the weight I was carrying. He took hold of my hand again, slowly making it past our bedroom, to the foot of the small staircase to the attic where his gym once was.

The nursery only had a crib, a changing table, some ornaments, and a teddy bear in there so far. But the walls were all crisp white, with a thin pink rail around the centre. Flowery fixtures were dotted around the room.

“You did all of this?” I asked, looking at him as he stood, hands on hips, surveying the work.
“Well, yeah. I left some of it blank, because I knew you would want to add your pieces. But, I wanted you to be able to relax and know that at least her room is decorated."

I was quiet for a while, walking around and sitting on the small hammock Harry’s decorators had made. What a cute fixture.

“You’re quiet. You don’t like it? You’ve changed your mind, right?” He looked down at the floor.
“Harry, remember when we were last in here? Last Christmas Eve. We were sat right here talking about being together officially. You’d just finished working out. This, was a bench.” I stared out of the window. “Harry, we’re having a baby now and this is her room."
“I know, baby. It’s insane.” He ran his hand along her crib. “Sometimes life does things like that.”
“We’ll be good though, right?” I looked up at him, hopefully.

“Annie, we’ll be one of the best.” He winked, bending down to pull me up and hold me tightly against him.

Notes

Harry’s back back, back again, gain.