I knew as soon as I stepped onto that plane, I was making a mistake.

I think what bothered me was that I had acted in the interests of myself; something I needed to learn to never do again because there was this tiny human being inside of me that would rely on me for the rest of it’s life to protect and take care of it.

Harry had upset me, he’d hurt me, he’d broken my heart a little bit, and he’d definitely made me even more insecure than I was before and there just wasn’t any trust left.

The time spent before I left that hotel was crammed with Eleanor, Niall, Louis, Harry, Lou, all telling me I should stop. Think about this, give it time. There was no time. I needed to go home. I needed my own bed, my own doctor, my parents. I needed to be away from Harry, who was just becoming more and more toxic for me. I loved him too much. He had let me down.

My mother was the only person I told the truth to. Harry had obviously told Anne because I received several worried texts from her in those first few jet-lag days back in London. Nobody could believe I had left. I couldn’t either.

The pregnancy was getting harder and harder. I tried to put it off for as long as possible, but after three weeks at home, I knew it was time to book my second appointment. I'd see if Harry had been right all along, if our baby really was a little girl.

I kept my distance from Harry. To be honest, I didn’t really know what was best for me. When we didn’t talk and I told him to stay away until I contacted him, my heart was heavy in my chest every night and I tossed and turned and avoided sleep. Then, I’d wake up in the morning, hardly any energy, and remember what he did. I know he didn’t cheat - hell, who knows, can I even trust that? I didn’t think he had cheated, but that waitress embodied more than just betrayal to me, she embodied everything in our lives. Temptation, mainly. That temptation would always be there for Harry. Harry would always be effortlessly good looking and women would always go crazy for it. Harry would always be at parties and events and functions with beautiful people. Someone could always push it too far. I would always be plain and awkward and not really be good in the spotlight and I’d always know Harry could do better.

My issue, then, I realised, was just that. I would constantly be living in fear, an insecure mess. Harry told me I was beautiful and stylish and classy and loving and kind and gentle, but when the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else does falls for a slut in a waitresses uniform in a bar, what do you really have left? What would all of that mean for our baby?

I didn’t want to cut him out, and I knew I shouldn’t have left him. I knew I had hurt him more than he could ever have hurt me by leaving with his baby, taking away those precious first moments, the first kick, finding out the sex, watching our baby grow together. I shouldn’t have done that, and I tried to put all of my feelings aside and keep all of those things civil so I could share as much of my pregnancy as possible with him.

When I woke up early the morning of my appointment, I knew I would have to face Harry. He had called repeatedly, three times or more daily, but he wanted to Skype this time, before and after the appointment. It felt stupid but it was the first time in three weeks he would see me and I knew I had grown in size. I hoped that it wasn’t too much of a shock to him.

“Can you hear me?” I asked, keeping the laptop on top of my bump. I checked my watch. Harry was in Toronto. I could tell by the darkness of his hotel room that it was late.
“Yeah.” He said, quietly, sadly. The guilt hit me quickly. “How are you feeling?”
I swallowed, not making eye contact with him. I moved the laptop off of my lap so he could see me, fully. “Tired, but okay.” I whispered.
“You’re so much bigger.” He said, and his face was emotionless. I tried not to wince on camera, but no matter what had happened, it hurt to see him so broken. “I wish.. I wish I could be there with you today.”
I held myself back from saying me too. “I’ll send you all of the information straight away, after.” I knew that was no condolence to him.
He nodded, sadly. He was laying on his side, his head propped up on a pillow.
“You look exhausted.” I commented. I wanted to reach through the screen.
“I am exhausted. It’s three in the morning.”
I looked down at my hands. “I can go, if you’d like.”
“Don’t, Annie. Stay.” He sighed. “I miss you so much.”
“Harry,” I muttered, knowing that if I spoke any louder my voice would crack.
“Sorry, Annie.” He closed his eyes. “This is hard for me. I just want to be there with you.” He ran a hand through his hair, long, unkempt. “I just want to leave this tour and be there.”
“Harry, I can’t right now. We need the time apart.”
“You’re still mine?” He asked, hopefully.
I paused. Obviously I was. I had some intention of rectifying this situation, but I had no idea when. I cleared my throat. “I have to go, Harry. I’ll be late. I’ll call you after.”

Harry looked defeated, but nodded anyway, and we hung up. My house was a lot further from the hospital and I almost regretted coming back to my parents when all of my things were still at Harry’s, but as a matter of principle I couldn’t stay there - not to mention the fact that everything reminded me of him.

---

“Are we waiting on anyone else, Miss James?” The doctor said, and I felt my cheeks redden. I knew what she was thinking - where’s the world famous baby daddy?
“Not today,” I said. “I’m here alone."

My mother had insisted on taking time off of work to come with me, but I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea. I could tell how emotional I would be after this. And if Harry couldn’t experience it, it didn’t seem fair that anyone else could be by my side. Quietly, I wondered how everything had become so fucked up.

“Right.” The doctor smiled, reassuringly. She lifted my t-shirt and slathered me in gel again, a feeling I would not miss. She squinted closely at the screen. “Everything seems fine. The baby’s heart rate is a tiny bit high, but that just means you need to try and stop yourself from getting stressed out. Would you like to know the sex of the baby?"

I nodded, my heart beat quickening.

“O..kay, seems you have a little madam in there.” She smiled at me, placing the apparatus down. “A little girl. You’re nineteen weeks, and the baby should be due.. around the end of December."

I just nodded, filling my whole body overcome with emotion. I didn’t want to spend any more time speaking with her. I cleaned myself up, took my paperwork and the most recent scans, and left.

I drove back home with a sense of foreboding. A few paparazzi were lingering at the hospital and I knew they’d be wondering why I had come back home from the tour after only three weeks with them.

As soon as I made it through the door, I called Harry. It was only midday, and I wondered if he’d be awake since he didn’t get to sleep until so late.

I placed my phone up to my ear and sat on the counter in my kitchen, shutting the door so Frankie and my parents wouldn’t hear. The phone rang once before he picked it up.

“Annie?” He said, hurriedly. I took a deep breath, still sniffing from my tears on the way back.
“Hi,” I bit my lip. “You were right.”
“It’s a girl?” He asked, sounding happy for the first time.
“Yeah, Harry. It is a girl.”

There was a pause, and I heard Harry scream across whatever room he was in.

“BOYS! BOYS! IT’S A GIRL!” He came back onto the other end of the receiver. “What’s her due date?”
“December 28th.” I couldn’t help but smile through my tears. “You’ll be home.”
“Oh my God, I will be home.” He laughed. “You’ll send me all the scans and stuff now?”
“Yes, Harry.” I tried to retain an impartial tone. “Have you slept?”
“An hour, maybe 45 minutes.” He exhaled deeply. I resisted the temptation to lecture him like I normally would if our relationship was how it normally was. I realised that wasn’t up to me anymore.
“Take care of yourself, Harry.” I sighed, the happiness starting to wear. “I’ll speak to you soon.”
“I love you, Annie.” He hushed his tone, which made me think he had turned to a quiet corner of the room. “Please just say it back."

I sighed, wishing I could.

“Goodbye, Harry."

---

Harry’s POV.

“I told you it would be a girl.” Lou smiled down at me sympathetically, whilst organising my hair. “Lux will have a new best friend.”
“I’m so happy.” I said, “I just wish she was here. We’re not complete.”
“I know, Harry, but you will be.” She looked over at her own daughter, checking she was being watched. “You have some time off soon. A few days to go home, maybe."

Eleanor appeared in the corner of my eye. We hadn’t spoken in the weeks after Annie leaving. I knew it wasn’t her fault, but somehow, I needed to blame somebody.

“Did you speak to Annie?” She asked, crossing her legs awkwardly. She combed her hair away from her face with her fingers. “I’ve tried calling but.. she’s shutting me off.”
“It’s a girl.” I said, staring blankly at my reflection in the mirror.
“That’s fantastic, just what you wanted.” I felt bad when I saw how hard she was trying. She exchanged an awkward glance with Lou. “Congratulations, Harry."

With that, she was gone again. I looked down at my phone. A tonne of messages. Gemma had returned home after Mum had come out to New York.

Gemma
ITS FIND OUT THE SEX DAY!!!! How did Annie get on? Would text her but not getting through lately. x

Mum
How did Annie get on, darling? I have tried calling her. Let us know! All v. excited! :-) x

I text them back without hardly any emotion, my mind just set on the fact that I would have a little girl in five months time. It also sounded like Annie was cutting everybody off.

I couldn’t think too long about how good we were before all of this shit, because if I did I would definitely cry. As Lou got me ready for our E! Interview, I knew it would be tough, and I knew that Annie and the baby would get brought up. What would I even say? This was one thing management couldn’t even prepare me for, because they had no idea what was happening, either.

---

“It’s great that you stay so grounded. What keeps you that way?” The interviewer asked, and I plastered a fake smile on my face.
“My family are amazing. They keep me sane every time things get crazy.”
“Sure. Of course, you’ll soon have your own little family - something that broke hearts of girls across the world.” He laughed. “How is Annie coping with it all, the girlfriend? I think everybody just wants that inside glimpse into your relationship."

I paused, and thought honestly.

“She’s doing amazingly. She’s taking care of herself and the baby at home. She’s just that person I can wake up at three in the morning because I need someone to talk to, and she’ll listen. I don’t have to tell her when somethings wrong or when I’m hurting, she already knows. When we’re together she feels protected, but truthfully she protects me more than I ever could. She’s my best friend, the love of my life. She’s tough and I never have been. As far as the fans, it kills you when some people can’t be happy for you. Especially when the person they hate is your world."
“No signs of a breakup on the cards?” He asked, trying to put the rumours at rest.
“None what-so-ever.” I asserted, and I don’t know who I was trying to convince more.

---

I had somehow managed to stay awake until two in the morning, and I tried so hard to convince myself it wasn’t because I knew Harry’s interview would be on. When I saw his perfectly pruned hair and his gorgeous face hit my screen, I delved into the box of chocolates by my bed, comforting myself by eating into a stupor. Most of the questions were about him, and the tour, and his house, and his nice things, and what it was like to be him. Then, he spoke about me.

I felt tears prick my eyes. I could see the honesty in his eyes when he spoke about me and us and the baby.

He fucked up, and he was paying for it. I knew I had to send him something to acknowledge his words on international television about me. I played with my keyboard, wondering how to sound thankful but not needy.

Saw your interview on E. You said some lovely things about me, H. thank you. x

Ten minutes later, he had replied.

i love you always, bug .xx

I clicked off my phone, dying to not start crying again before going to sleep. Today had been the largest emotional roller coaster of my life, and I needed the comfort and seclusion that sleep could bring me.

Notes

Hi! hope that this is going well.. let me know what you think. bit unsure. x