We enter the stadium and go through another sound check. I try my hardest to stay focused on the show tonight, as I know I have a lot weighing on it and I promised everyone that what happened wouldn’t force me to lose it.

I can’t help it though. Everywhere I look I see her with her silky waves floating out in front me, and I want to chase after her. This is different though. It’s not an illusion or part of a dream. It’s an actual memory. However, I keep messing up markers of where I need to stand and when I need to enter in a song. I hit against my head each time, knowing that I am screwing everything up for the lads. If anything, I need to keep my focus for them. My body suddenly feels even more stressed knowing that if people start disbelieving in me, they’ll stop believing in this band as well. I try to promise myself that if I get this right now, I will start a serious search for this girl after the show is over and successful.

“HARRY!” our choreographer Paul yells from the back of the empty arena. “Please… pay attention! This is it…the last practice before tonight!”

I shield my eyes with my hand so I can see at least his shadow through the bright lights also going through final checks. “Sorry. I’ll get it together!” I release my hand and look across the stage to the others. They all have looks of worry about their faces, and my shoulders begin to fall.

Louis, who is standing closest to me, drops his microphone hand to the side and asks, “Are you going to be alright?’

I nod my head, “Yeah…I’m okay. You know… I just need to get my head back into this.”

“Don’t think about it too much, yeah? We’ve done this a million times, and you’ve yet to disappoint. You can do this.”

“Thanks, Louis.” I state more confidently as Paul shouts for us to start again from the beginning of the previous song.

---

After we are done rehearsals, we all head backstage to begin getting ready for the show. We all take separate paths as Niall and Liam head off to find the catering room, Louis goes to find Lou so she can start his hair as he always takes the longest, and Zayn heads outside to have a cigarette. I, however, find a nice quiet room all to myself with a comfy couch. I dim down the lights in this the empty room, and sprawl myself out over the small couch. I sigh loudly as it is nice to have a moment to clearly and freely think everything through that has happened.

I feel like I’ve gotten things a bit more straightened out after what Louis had said out on stage. He was right after all. We’ve done this millions of times. I should be able to believe in myself enough by now that my body just sort of takes over even if I do somehow lose my focus and something happens during the performance.

I can hear all the hustle and bustle of the crew rushing about outside the door. Luckily nobody checks this room to disturb me as I suddenly feel exhausted. I grab the tiny throw pillow from behind my head and turn over, facing the back of the couch, and cradle the tiny pillow in my arms. I decide to take a short nap as it had already been quite the day. My eyes grow even more tired and I decide to close them. Before I know it, everything in the room begins to fade away and feel distant. My mind begins to replay the memory of driving in the car from this morning for what feels like the millionth time. I do not really care, because I find it comforting to know she is actually out there somewhere. I let the few real thoughts of her consume my mind entirely, and then, without a single warning, everything goes dark and there is nothing.

A slice of time appears to go within a few seconds. I sense my body being shook before I even come to. I’m disoriented as I blink my eyes open, and have to squint because the light has now been turned all the way up. I still find it odd to not have a single image come forward when I sleep. It was nice, but it also was a little disheartening not being able to wake up and at least remember one small happy image from a slumber.

I turn my head over my shoulder to find several people peeking into the room. I realize Liam was the one shaking me as he stands close to my side. “Harry! We’ve been looking for you! Show starts in just a few hours. You need to get ready!”

I sit up and rub my hands along my face and over my eyelids, while I let out a long yawn. “How long have I been asleep?”

Niall steps forward from closer to the door. “Well, if you came in here right after we got off stage, then five hours!”

My eyes grow wide and lurch my neck out in surprise while my hands slam against the couch. “Five hours?! It barely felt like five seconds!”

“It’s about five o’clock, so yeah. No dreams or anything though?” Liam asks concerned.

“No… just hours of unknown darkness.” I say in a monotone, shaking my head.

Paul peeks around the corner of the door frame. “There you are Harry! You alright?”

I could tell I was going to hate this, yet another person asking me if I was going to be alright. I clench my jaw and nod my head slightly, readying myself to stand up. The truth of it was I didn’t think I was going to be alright. Not until I at the very least knew her name.

“Good!” Paul states cheerfully with a smile. “Now get to work!” he says with humor hinted in his voice.

I stand up and stretch out all my tight ligaments. “Yeah, yeah.” I half laugh.

Paul smiles briefly before continuing his path down the hallway.

I look at Liam and Niall who already look like they’re half ready and paid a visit to Lou. I scratch at my unruly hair which has been made worse due to my afternoon slumber. “Suppose I should go and find Lou, yeah?”

“Uh, yeah.” Liam agrees with me. “She’s been waiting for you. You’re the last of us.”

“Alright.”

I head off to go get myself ready. Lou is able to style my hair back quickly, as it has been done the same way for quite a long time now. I like talking to her as she is like my big sister on the road. She also doesn’t treat me like I am some broken thing plopped in her chair. She chats to me like she always has, and allows me to tell her about the dream girl I actually saw in passing without thinking I’m crazy or delusional.

When Lou is done with my hair, I check the time and realize that we’ve still got a little over an hour until we go on. I switch over to wardrobe and the lads soon join in to finish getting ready themselves.

Zayn walks in last with a big smile on his face, “I’ve just seen some of the crowd out there, and now I’m just ready to go out there! I’ve seen so many Harry signs, it’s almost mad!” He shoots a smile in my direction.

“Me?” I ask.

“Yeah, bro! Lots of em wishing you the best and stuff like that. I think it’s quite cool.”

I smile at nothing in particular. I know there are critics out there, but it feels good knowing there are so many supporters out there too.

“Are you ready?” Louis asks.

I purse my lips, not really having time since I woke up to worry about not being ready. “I think so, yeah.”

“Have you thought about…well, you know?” Louis adds on.

Niall pushes Louis as he realizes it probably wasn’t the best question to be asking someone who is supposed to be focusing on the task at hand.


I tilt my head and try to keep my spirits up, “I know she’s out there now. I don’t think that I’ll ever really stop thinking about her. I’m going to find her.” They all look to each other with worried faces, much like they had in the car when I first laid eyes on her. “I know you guys don’t think this is exactly healthy… but none of you realize what it’s like to have these dreams that drive you mad, come to find out the girl your heart aches for is actually out there somewhere breathing, living a life of her own.”

Liam jets out his bottom lip, pouting. “I’m sorry, Haz.” He walks over and places a hand over my shoulder. “We just want you to be happy is all.”

“I know. Let’s just put on a hell of a show, yeah? I say confidently.
The remaining time passes quickly. We finish getting ready by getting dressed, and then just goof around, like always getting each other pumped up. We are soon told to head up to the stage, and after we are all wrangled up, we head there together. Two sound people are waiting for us, one holding a small box containing all of our ear pieces and another holding a steel box containing five microphones.

I fix the small familiar ear pieces into my ear so they are comfortable, and then grasp the microphone tightly in my hand. I stand by myself momentarily getting a little more me time before we go out in front of thousands of people. I face the corner wall and start praying that all goes well with the concert and that I don’t disappoint anybody. I also make sure to add on that someday soon I am able to find my dream girl in this city of millions, and that I can save her if she needs to be saved. It’s a seemingly impossible feat, but I couldn’t feel more determined.

We are told to get ready and it’s show time, finally. I feel the hot blood rapidly rushing through my veins, as I remember that I have done this millions of times. I push the image of her out of my head, as I know how much is weighing on this performance. We stand in a circle and do our show ritual to get us pumped up. I step onto my platform and take a deep breath, letting the screams of the crowd fuel me as the countdown begins.

“Five!” My heart pounds excitedly inside my chest as the music starts to play.

“Four!” The lights rise up on the stage as we are slowly revealed from behind our backdrop.

“Three!” I flip my microphone in my hand a little as my fingers begin to twitch with the beat.

“Two!” I look over at Zayn who is standing next to me, just before the backdrop lifts above our heads. He gives me a reassuring smile and nods his head, letting me know we are ready for this.

“One!” The screams grow perhaps even louder than before, as we are all revealed completely at the same time.

We step away from our platforms and I bring the microphone to my mouth and look straight into the heart of the audience. “If this room was burning, I wouldn’t even notice. ‘Cause you’ve been taking up my mind, with your little white lies, little white lies.”

The opener and the next few song go on without flaw. We dance around the stage and I make all my marks and entrances. I allow my body to relax, and take over for me. The crowd is extremely pumped, helping me and the others really get into it. I feel great being on a stage again. I love reacting with the crowd. I know this is what I was born to do.

During our first song break, it’s my turn to do a bit of a speech. I step forward in front of the crowd and let the cheers somewhat die down before I begin to speak into my microphone. I lift my other arm up and roughly shout, “Make some noise Pasadena! How are we all doing tonight?” The roars soar to an all new volume, as I can’t help but smile cheekily into the abyss of people. “We would like to thank all of you for coming to see us tonight! Each and every one of you means something special to us!”

I wait for more squeals and scan the crowd when all of a sudden I spot somebody running down the middle of the stage runway. I shoot my eyes back and spot that beautiful face and flowing wavy tresses swiftly making her way down the end of the stage. Without a second thought I let my arm holding my microphone fall from my mouth and begin mindlessly sprinting down the catwalk.

I reach the end in a matter of seconds, and am quick to realize there is and never was anything there. My mind has played another trick on me, this time with my memories. I look out into the crowd who is still cheering loudly, most likely as a reaction from my quick movements. I begin to tense up, nervous that I had already fucked up everything that I was trying so hard to avoid.

Luckily, just as Louis had stated during rehearsals, my body takes over and my arms lift above my head, signaling for more noise. I looked back to the lads, and they had confused expressions, but quickly covered them up with smiles.

I bring my mic back to my mouth, and shouted, “We can see you in the back!” The audience furthest away begins to cheer.

“We can see you on this side!” I motion over to my left, as they all begin to shout.

I switch my mic to my other hand. “We can see you over on this side!” More screams are signaled.

I hand back my microphone to my right hand. “And we can see you all over the field,” I state as I lay my arm out pointing to everyone out in front of me. The loudest screams begin, and it appears like my little mishap goes unnoticed.

I speak more to the whole crowd now, “Alright! You guys are great! So, so loud! Thank you so much again!” I turn around and start making my way back to the main stage. “This next song is something I am proud to say I helped write. I hope you like it. It’s called ‘Happily!’” I motion to the musicians for them to begin and I meet the others in the middle of the stage. The crowd is bouncing to the beat as I start out the song without error.

In fact, the rest of the concert goes on without difficulty. We put everything we have into each song, and the reaction from the crowd proves that. The concert ends before I’m ready for it to, and leave the roaring crowd behind and exit the stage, although I’m still hyped up from the thrill of putting on a great show. We all enter one of the backstage rooms and throw our arms around whoever is nearest us, shouting all sorts of happy nonsense. It’s felt like ages since we performed, at this just feels like we are coming home.

After we are more settled down, Niall suggests we all go out for a more formalized celebration. The others all agree, and my mind somewhat drifts off to other things as if this amazing concert hadn’t even happened.

Liam snaps his fingers in my face as I must have been staring in some sort of trance. “Haz!”

I look to him with a confused expression. “Oh, sorry. What is it?”

“We’re going to head out. Joining us?”

I crook my head to the side a bit. “Ehh… no. I think I’m just going to head back to the hotel.”

“You sure? It won’t be a celebration without you!” Niall adds.

I huff out a short laugh. “Yeah. I’m sure.”

“Is this because of what happened early in the show out on stage during your speech?” Zayn asks curiously.

Before I can answer Louis cuts in, “Yeah! What was that? I was really worried for a second there.”

They all look to me with their full attention. I shake my head trying to recall. It all happened so fast to be honest. “I-uh dunno really. I imagined her again I suppose.”

“Aren’t the pills working?” Niall practically exclaims.

I shrug my shoulders. “They’re doing their job. I haven’t dreamed. It wasn’t necessarily a hallucination either. It was more of a memory rather. I imagined a memory. Things like that happen all the time to lots of people. You think you see something and you don’t. You know?”

“I suppose that makes sense.” Liam says still trying to think it through.

“As long as you’re alright and everything, yeah?” Louis asks.

I sigh a little. “Yes. Now will you please stop asking that?” I ask trying to add humor in voice so I don’t sound unpleasant.

“Whatever you want little Harold.” Louis replies.

Once we have changed back into our regular clothes, we head towards the exit of the arena. The enclosed parking area is nearly empty with just a few venue workers getting things ready to shut down for the evening. There are two vehicles waiting for us. The others begin to pile into one SUV, while I start towards the other.

I am stopped in my tracks when Zayn calls out, “You sure you don’t want to come with us, Harreh?”

I turn and wave at them. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

They all laugh and wave as they close the door, getting ready to take off to God knows where. I climb in my lonely vehicle and tell the driver to take me back to the hotel. It feels silly having a driver for one person when I am perfectly capable, but I don’t fight it.

It’s late, but there are still a few people out on the streets. It is LA after all. The night sky is dark and cloudy. The street lamps and buildings lite up the city like a Christmas tree. It really is an amazing sight to see.

We drive a bit further when we stop at a stoplight. I look out my window and notice where I am. It’s the same stoplight where I had seen her earlier in the day. My eyes grow wide even though it really means nothing. There is nobody around on this particular block, but I still have a burning desire to get out of the car.

“You can just let me out here, please.” I state more than ask.

My driver, a man who I have never seen before, looks at me with nervous eyes through the rear view mirror. “I’m not so sure I can do that, Mr. Styles. You would have no way back and no protection.”

“Please call me Harry… And I can handle it. I’ve got my mobile. There’s just something I kind of want to do.”

“Uh- I’m still not so sure…”

“It’s fine. You won’t get into trouble.” I say just as the light switches.

It appears that I convinced him as he slows down and comes to a stop against the curb. “Have a wonderful and safe even Mr.-uh …Harry.”

“Thanks!” I grab out my wallet and hand him a few random bills.

I watch as the SUV takes off and then I cross the street to the bus stop where I saw my beautiful dream girl just hours earlier. I trace her steps of where she once stood, taking it all in. After a few moments, I plop myself down on the empty bus bench and enjoy the time to myself.

I sit there for I do not know how long, not really sure if I’m waiting for something, or what. I suppose half of me thinks I will have good fortune, and she’ll just happen to show up because it’s fate and how things are supposed to be. I should know better than to think of such things, however.

It gets even later yet and the night falls cooler with each passing minute, but I can’t bring myself to get up and leave the bench. I pull my jacket hood over my head to help block the wind that was beginning to pick up. I know I should really go back before people worry, but I find myself still wanting to bask in the only memory I have of her, perhaps the only memory I will ever have.

I think about what she could be doing right now at this very moment. She’s out there living and breathing, going about her everyday life. I begin pondering how I am left here, loss for action, and she has no idea the things I’ve imagined with her. The amazing moments we’ve shared…all in my imagination.

To be honest it all sounds a bit creepy when I really think about it, but I can’t help what has already been done. I just find it hard to comprehend how this can be happening to me, but the universe doesn’t have the common courtesy to allow us to come face to face.

Hours later, and I still sit on the bench waiting, although I am still not completely sure what for. I let out a large sigh when I suddenly hear footsteps come up behind me and stop behind the bus bench. I sense weird tingles forming all over my body, feeling hopeful of what will stand there if I turn around.

I feel a soft touch about my shoulder and my heart does a flip inside my chest. A thought of her maybe feeling compelled she had to be here in this exact moment because of fate fleets quickly through my mind.

I turn slowly, but let my shoulders fall when I do not find the perfect girl I’ve been waiting for, but a concerned Liam standing before me.

“Hello, Harry.” Liam states with seriousness about his voice.

“Hi.” I say turning back to face the street.

“I thought I might find you here,” he says as he walks around and sits down next to me, placing his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah? I’ve been here for a while.” I say while eyeing a car passing by.

“We’ve just gotten back and noticed you were gone. We all sort of split up to find you, but I figured I’d find you here.”

“You know me too well, Liam.” I say with only a hint of sarcasm.

“It’s true though, mate.” We sit silent for a few seconds before he asks, “What’d you expect coming here anyways?”

I shrug, “I dunno really. I felt like I had to. I thought maybe it was destiny.” I look at him with squinted eyes and a crooked mouth, “Maybe I thought that she would feel like something was waiting for her here as well.”

Liam tries to hold a serious face, but ends up laughing a little. “Oh man. A true romantic, you are.”

“Yeah.”

“Just be patient, Haz. She, or maybe some other girl, will come right out of the blue when you least expect it and take your breath away.”

I purse my lips, trying not to smile too much. “Thanks, Liam. One can hope”

He pats at my knee a few times, “Right. Are you ready to go back to the hotel now?”

An unexpected yawn escapes from my lips. “I suppose so.”

We stand up synchronized and begin our few blocks journey back to the hotel. Back to the lonely bed. Back to the place where I will have yet another night of complete and utter blackness.

Notes

UDPDATE! (well sort of) I posted this last night, and didn't realize how the format got all messed up. So here it is, fixed and easier to read! I hope you enjoy.

I also hope that it wasn't this stupid formatting issue that made my rating go down? I'm okay with it if that particular someone is willing to message me and tell me what they would like to see different about this story? I'm all for constructive criticism. So please, help me make this story the best it can be!

What do you predict is going to happen?
As always comment, rate, and subscribe
Love you all,
Jen