“No! No! Please don’t leave me!” I scream into the bloody and damaged face of the girl who has stolen my heart.

Her usual bright eyes are squinted and swollen as she’s barely able to keep them open. Her body is in complete disarray and I find it extremely hard to even look at her without falling to pieces myself. Yet I know I could never leave her side. Seeing her like this makes my heart feel like it is being ripped straight from my chest, although I would probably do it if I knew it would save her. For, I know she is my one, the one person who is supposed to hold my heart forever. Tears begin to rapidly escape from the corners of eyes, rolling down my cheek, and splattering to the ground. I do not bother to wipe the remains away because all of my focus is on her.

As I crouch beside her on the ground and gently reach for her to hold her fragile hand in mine. I so badly want to pick her up and hold her against me, but know it could make things worse. I want her… No, I need her to stay alive. She remains silent letting out slow breaths as I speak between uncontrollable hiccups, “Please. Don’t let me go! I need you! Please!”

More tears stream down my face as a single tear escapes from her eye. I can she is whispering something quietly, so I bring my head down to her lips to hear the words, “Harry, I need you to always remember…I love you.”

I pull away to look her in the face once again, and brushing her hair from her bruised face. Before I can return the message, her hand falls limp in mine and her eyes lightly close shut. I start to hear ambulance sirens from a distance, but I know it’s too late. She is gone. Gone forever.

My body wakes yet again with a jolt. This time I am shivering and covered in another layer of cold sweat. I press my hands to my face and think to myself, “Damn, two times in one night.” I begin rubbing my eyes gently, trying to get the horrific images out of my head. I have no idea why this keeps happening to me.

Without checking the clock this time I push the covers away from my body and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. There is more sunlight streaming in through the curtains, so I can only assume that it’s at least a normal hour for people to be functioning. I groggily stand from my bed and begin to sift through the clothes in my bag. I find a pair of clean sweat pants to slip on to look presentable for any unknown guests who might be lurking in the shared space of our hotel living room.

I shake out my curls and comb through my hair quickly with my fingers before heading over to the heavy wooden door and pulling it open. I am greeted by two beaming faces, which I am always happy to see after I wake up after a night of harsh and unrelenting dreams.

Liam and Louis are both eating breakfast at the table, and they both turn to face me with full mouths. Liam swallows his bite quickly and his happy face falls with one look at me. It’s uncanny how well we all know each other with just a simple facial expression.

Liam carefully speaks, “How was your night, Haz?”

I walk over to the table and plop down in a chair opposite him and Louis. I grab a plate and transfer a few assorted fruits and eggs onto my plate, while Louis pours me a glass of juice. “It happened twice last night.”

They both push their lips to the side while looking at me. I can tell they have no idea what to say as they are both in happy relationships with real girls they love, and aren’t haunted with horrible images of them dying every night. Like most normal people, I reckon.

Louis pushes a bread roll in my direction. “Wish we could help. If there’s anything we can do, you know we’re all here for you, mate.”

I nod my head slightly while taking a first bite from my food. While I chew I give them a weak smirk to let them know we can begin to talk about other things. Switching the subject is the only way for me to go on with my day. The sooner I can think about something else, the faster the horrible pain and strange grievance inside my chest can go away. I swallow my food and ask, “Where are the others?”

“Sleeping still. We should probably wake them soon though. Stylists could be here any minute.” Liam informs me.

I squint my eyebrows together not sure of the day’s agenda. “What are we doing today?” I spurt out between bites.

Louis stands up with his plate and walks towards the trash to begin scooping his leftovers in. “Interviews mainly. Remember?”

I roll my head back trying to recall being run through our schedule. We are in Los Angeles for quite some time this time, but all the days just kind of rush together. I blink a few times, breaking my trance pretending to remember. “Oh, right… yeah.”

Liam, still sitting across from me, gives me a sympathetic look before standing himself to dispose of the remains of his breakfast. I look down at my plate just continuing to eat my food, not sure what to talk about. As much as I try I can’t connect with them as much as I used to these days. I can’t really connect with anyone lately. It pains me to feel this way. I don’t know how I can be surrounded by so many loving people, but still feel so alone. There’s always just one face always painted in the back of my head, a girl I had painted myself.

Louis suddenly claps his hands together matter-of-factly to bring my attention back to reality and he states with a smile to cheer me up, “What do you lads say we have some fun waking the sleeping beauties, yeah?”

A devilish smile spreads across Louis’s face as Liam and I nod our heads in agreement. Louis grabs a glass cup and a fork, signaling for us to do the same.

I take one last bite from my plate before standing up to my chair to join Louis and Liam in tiptoeing towards the door of the room Zayn and Niall are sharing. Louis slowly turns the knob on the unlocked door and cracks it open to reveal a still darkened room. Through the dark we can all make out a figure peacefully sleeping in each bed.

Louis counts to three on his hand before swiftly opening the door and marching in the room, banging the fork against the glass. Liam and I join in, and all three of us begin to laugh loudly. Louis begins tapping a beat, to which we match as he sings over and over again, “It’s time to wake up!” We crowd around the beds and begin to foolishly dance to Louis’s beat, looking like complete idiots.

Zayn remains still with his eyes closed, as I think he could sleep through the end of the world. Niall, however, violently pulls the covers tightly over his head trying to block out our obnoxious, yet hilariously fun way getting them up.

I can’t help but laugh hysterically as we climb on top of their beds and jump around their cocooned bodies. Louis begins to playfully shake Zayn, while Liam and I work on Niall. After a few more seconds, Niall folds his covers down from his face with wide eyes and huge smile. He is laughing his typical Niall laugh, but is still trying to sound angry. “Why can’t you bastards let me sleep?” he attempts to angrily growl at us with fail as a smile spreads across his face at the end of the question.

We all laugh as Zayn finally opens his eyes to Niall’s words, despite Louis’s earlier attempts of trying to get him to do this. He actually sounds a bit upset, “Yeah. Jesus mates. Can you ever just let me sleep in?”

“Sorry, Zaynie! No can do! Stylists will be here any minute.” Louis beams, banging his glass a few more times joyfully. I envy Louis’s happiness. At least it is a tad infectious, because I feel a little better all of a sudden. I usually do when my mind is taken away from just inside my own head

“Oh. Well in that case, thank you so much!” Zayn states sarcastically.

We all have a laugh for a bit, and change the subject to other random things. I am thankful to have these lads in my life because they always keep my life interesting and give me something to smile and laugh about.

After only a few minutes we are interrupted from our chat with a knock at our front door. Louis stands up from the bed and shouts, “They’re here!” He proceeds to run out of the room to answer the door. We all shake our heads and follow closely behind him.

---

A few hours later, we’re interview ready, and I feel a lot better having mostly forgotten about my rough night. We are onset for a talk show with Kami Ray, a newer and bubbly talk show host. We are planned to chat with her for a bit after performing a song from our newest album. Earlier we had decided to play, “Something Great,” a song I had helped write. I hold it close to me as my dream somewhat helped inspire it.

We wanted more people to get excited about the other songs on the album besides the singles, although it already has gotten such unbelievable attention. I am so thankful for the fans. The lads and the fans should be all I need while I’m away from home to make me happy. I just needed to remember all the things I have been blessed with to keep the bad images and loneliness from my head.

The show is soon underway and before I know it we are standing backstage and are announced to come out. The familiar sounds of screaming girls ring through my ears and a big smile automatically stretches across my face as we step in front of everyone one by one. I wave casually at a few girls shouting my name, making them even more enthusiastic. I like knowing I can make other people happy. My heart begins happily pounding against my chest, a feeling I’ve come to love, as we approach the microphones.

The lads and I give each other quick smirks as we stand side by side and the music begins to play. I then take a deep breath and stare out into the crowd, losing myself in the music.

Liam begins, “One day you'll come into my world and say it all. You say we'll be together even when you're lost.”

Zayn continues, “One day you'll say these words I thought, but never said. You say we're better off together in our bed.”
The feelings slowly start to creep back, remembering how each word was inspired as I sing, “I want you here with me, like how I pictured it. So I don't have to keep imagining. Come on, jump out at me. Come on, bring everything. Is it too much to ask for something great?”
Even though the dream ends terribly every night, I want her to be real. I want to save her. I want her to save me.
Niall takes over, “The script was written and I could not change a thing. I want to rip it all to shreds and start again.”

I close my eyes as I sing once again, “One day I'll come into your world and get it right. I'll say we're better off together here tonight. I want you here with me, like how I pictured it. So I don't have to keep imagining. Come on, jump out at me. Come on, bring everything. Is it too much to ask for something great?”
The band takes their solo and I take the brief moment reopen my eyes, feeling water about to spill over the edge of my eyelids if I keep them closed for much longer. I quickly reach up and swipe at them, not wanting the crowd to see any tears. I suddenly hate that we picked this song to sing as it might mean a little too much to me for the time being.
I try to shake it off as I bring the microphone back to my mouth and Zayn and I begin singing together, “I want you here with me, like how I pictured it. So I don't have to keep imagining. Come on, jump out at me. Come on, bring everything. Is it too much to ask for something great? I want you here with me, like how I pictured it. Is it too much to ask for something great?”
I drop my hand down by my sides and hold behind back as the song is about to finish, trying my best to pull myself back together so I don’t look like a fool during the talk portion.
The music gets quieter as Louis sings, “You're all I want. So much it's hurting. You're all I want. So much it's hurting…”
I realize how much I am hurting. How much I hate being alone. How much I hate only thinking about the girl of my literal dreams.
I am taken out of my brief trance by the loud screams of the small audience. The host, Kami, excitedly comes running across the stage in her heels, with a big smile across her face and her arms stretched wide as she proceeds to give each of us a hug.
She squeezes me tightly and quietly whispers, “You’re the cutest one.” I feel flattered, but no other emotion from the compliment. I don’t see what people see in me more than the other lads. They, as of late especially, are a lot more fun to be around than me.
After she finishes celebrating our performance we follow her over to the seats. Kami sits easily in her usual chair as we all carefully adjust to fit all together on the single sofa. When we are all situated the interview begins.
I am eventually able to settle back in and have a laugh with the interview. We are rather good at being our cheeky selves in front of cameras nowadays. Zayn talks happily about his new engagement. We discussed past happenings about our previous tour and the current one. Liam discusses his under garments getting stolen again, for about the millionth time. Somehow, however, it doesn’t exist to be funny, yet also extremely weird at the same time. We talked and laughed about other fun happenings during tour. Fun back stage moments always seem to take the cake when it comes to the most entertaining topics.
Everything is going smoothly as I let myself go and have a real lovely time talking with the host and lads. My smile feels genuine as I am finally enjoying myself again. That is, until another typical question is thrown out as Kami asks, “So who here is single?”
The lads and I all look towards each other, and Niall and I slowly raise our hands. We get a loud reaction from crowd. What I wouldn’t give to have a reason to not put my hand up during this question. When the screams die down, Niall and I place our hands back down on our laps.
Usually this is a time where the interviewer quickly comments on our availability and moves on. However, Kami pushes further. “Harry Styles? Really? Single?”
I purse my lips and nod my head yes while more squeals escape from the audience.
She tilts her head sideways and continues. “Surely there has to be someone on your mind?”
Liam tries to deflect the question by saying, “Yes, it’s actually me.”
The crowd breaks into laughter and usually a comment like that would work as a deflector, but Kami waves her hand in Liam’s direction and speaks again. “You boys are so funny, but let Harry answer, Liam.”
She rests her knuckle under her chin, looking extremely interested in my words. My body tenses up and my heart begins to pound quickly in my chest. Something feels like it’s caught in my throat. I don’t get like this usually, but soon images of that beautiful face and person flash in my head. I can feel myself losing composure. I do my best and sort of stutter out, “I –erm… I honestly don’t know if… ah-my dream girl… is out there.”

“Nonsense, Harry! I think we would all like to know who. Am I right?” she asks the audience. There is yet another round of shouts from the audience.

I don’t know what she wants from me. I can feel sweat starting to build up on my face. I desperately want the interrogation to stop. “No. There’s no one.” She is about to comment again when I interject, “Can we start a different topic, please?” I try to ask as nicely as possible without sounding too upset.
Kami’s eyes grow wide as she is surprised by my comment. She looks at her notecards and asks another question to someone else that I don’t really hear. Instead, more images of my dreams flash in my head. There’s a scream. There’s so much blood. Her beautiful eyes close. My heart continues to beat faster and faster. The room starts to spin and I can’t keep reality from dreams. I brush my hand through my hair nervously and bring my hand to my face. I then jump in my seat out of alarm when I see my hands are red. I gasp in a panic as my eyes grow wide looking at the blood dripping from my hands. I’m afraid to look at the floor as I don’t want to see her lying there. I quickly stand up from my seat and run from the stage without excuse as fast as I can. I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, but the only thing on my mind is getting away from there.
I find a bathroom backstage, and lock myself in. I quickly throw my hands in the sink and turn the faucet on only to see there isn’t anything on my hands at all. They are perfectly clean. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion as the tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I throw water in my face, gently rubbing my eyes as even more awful images rush through my head. I slide down to bathroom floor, cradling my legs in my arms and burying my head into my knees. I want this to stop. I want to be normal again. I begin to sob louder when I hear a rapid and worried knock at the locked door.

Notes

I planned on having this up earlier, but it got quite extensive! I hope you enjoy!

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