They Don't Know About Us
Super Fun
After eating I told the lads I just wanted to go home. The understood, glad they didn't try to convince me to stay I gave them my number so they could let me know what they were doing in case I felt up to it. I watched as even Harry pulled out his phone to pretend to put the number in. A grin on his face as my phone exploded with a text from each of them. But my ohone was also ringing. As we know from before I can either answer the phone or look to see who it is. I just picked it up in fear of not picking up in time.
"Hello, just checking to make sure it's the right number!" The familiar voice said before hanging up.
I looked around, it didn't sound like Harry, but alas he was the one giving me a cheeky smile, trying not to laugh.
"You sure everything's all right?" Liam asked as I climbed over Harry's legs to get out of the van. My eyes moved past the van, Harry was looking out the window, not paying attention to me it seemed. My eyes focused and I saw he was watching me through the reflection of the window. He looked more concerned then I'd ever seen anyone. Pain was evident in the way he held his face, he wasn't smiling and his eyes were more of a cold green-grey then the warm friendly color they had been before. And it wasn't the pained look I saw glimmer in his eyes when we were talking before. It was different.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. It's just been kind of a lot today, so maybe after a few hours rest I'll be fine again." I felt rushed, like I had to be somewhere. I pushed the door to the van closed and walked up to my home. The steps, I'd walked up so many times. I ran my fingers up the cold brick walls. A shiver ran down my back from the flickering light on the fourth floor.
"I don't even understand why you try." The all too familiar voice screamed in my head at me. "It's not like you deserve any better." A different, but equally familiar voice taunted me. "It's like you don't try." The first voice pounded at my brain. "You're so worthless." My climb up to the seventh floor slowed as my vision became blurry. "Just do it, it's not like it matters, or that anyone would care." I could understand why I was hearing Charlie's voice, but why was the second voice my own. Had Charlie really gotten so deep under my skin that I was actually starting to believe him? "Because it's true." The second voice said. It was stern like it had to be the truth. "Just do it, you're good for nothing, just do it." The voices were getting louder, the tears falling faster. My speed picked up as I got to my floor.
I flung the key out of my pocket to thrust it into the door. I turned it and the handle at the same time, gaining access into the flat. I didn't care if Eleanor was home. "I knew you didn't have the guts to get rid of it." I knew exactly where it was. Running to my room tears falling down my face, I slammed the door behind me locking it. I knew that if Eleanor was home and she did happen to see me she'd come to see what was wrong. I crawled to my closet. "It's right in there." The voice that was my own told me. "Right there." As much as I didn't want to there was also no point in not.
The blade was out, my sleeve rolled up and the bracelets off. The pounding on the door didn't compare to the pounding in my head. "DO it!" The voices were yelling at me in unison.
I put the blade to my skin as the phone in my pocket vibrated. I dropped the blade on the the baby blue carpet, a drop of blood on the metal. I reached to pick up the blade when the phone in my pants shook again. I took a deep breath before extending my hand out a second time to retrieve it. Like clock work the phone moved again. Deciding it could be important i pulled the piece of plastic out of my front jeans pocket. I looked this time before answering. A smiling picture of Harry came up as the phone vibrated yet a fourth time. The voices went silent. Only the sound of Eleanor and Dani's constant pounding on the door.
"DON'T DO IT!!! PLEASE!!!!" Was he crying? It sounded as though he were sobbing, his breaths shallow and uneven. He sharply inhaled before pleading for me to stop, the tears pouring out my eyes slowed, as I regain control of my body. "please." It was quiet.
"LEXI! Please let us in, Please!!" My friends begged as they're fists continued to hit the door.
"I didn't." I wiped the snot from my nose. "But I almost did." I was really quiet, I felt so ashamed and embarrassed of what I had almost just done. I could hear His loud sigh of relief, but his breathing was still spastic. "I'm sorry." Now feeling shy, it came out even more quiet. I was done crying at the point only the bangs from El and Dani causing noise.
"Go tell them you're all right." Harry told me, I obeyed getting up on my feet covering my arms with my sweater, holding the ends tightly in my hands. I opened the door, Eleanor flung her arms around my neck while Dani gently rubbed comfort into my back. MY phone was still attached to my ear. Harry sighed again before sucking all the snot back into his nose.
"I'm fine." Eleanor held me out and hand on each arm. I couldn't look her in the eyes, but i knew they were filled with concern.
"Dani, I'm sorry to cut this night short, Lexi and i really need some time to ourselves." El was always really nice about keeping my secret, heck, she kept it better then I kept it. Dani didn't ask questions she just put on her coat and left.
"You don't have to leave." I told as she looked back at us before opening the door.
"No, it's all right, it's obviously something for El to handle, unless it's Harry?" She questioned.
"No. Not Harry or any of them." I tried to give Dani a small grin to let her know I'd be all right. She said goodbye and left.
"Do yo want to talk about it?" Harry asked over the phone as Eleanor held me in her arms again.
"I feel weird telling you over the phone."
"Who is that?" Eleanor asked. I quickly remembered no one knew about us yet. He must have remembered as well as the line went dead. A few seconds passed when I received a text.
*Call me back when you get a chance.*
The text read. I told him that I would, but no guarantees as I've alarmed Eleanor and I doubt she would let me be alone at all tonight.
*All right, I'll be thinking of you:)*
He sent back.
"Who are you texting?" El asked as I noticed I was now smiling. When I ignored her she moved on. "Hold out your arms." She said sternly. I did as she asked, pulling up my sleeves. The dry blood on my arm made it look more serious then it was. Eleanor pulled me to her bathroom to wash the blood off my arm. "Why?" She asked like so many times before after I'd gotten home from a night out with Charlie.
"He called me, after I was on the radio with the boys. He called, and I told him off." Again I refused to let tears come to my eyes. "Then the boys invited me to hang out and I told them I wasn't feeling up to it. They dropped me here, and that's when the voices started in my head." I knew there wasn't any point in hiding things from her. She'd get it out of me sooner or later, and I wasn't feeling up for games. "Soon the voices overpowered even your bangs on the door."
"What made you stop, I remember the last time you locked yourself in your room, you came out all cut up, bandages everywhere." Eleanor spoke with care, just trying to help and comfort me. She helps me figure out what makes me feel that way and then she helps me not do those things. She convinced me to finally leave Charlie.
Then I thought about it for the first time since it happened. Nothing could stop me before, there was nothing in this world that would prevent me from inflicting harm upon myself. I dropped the blade after seeing Harry's smiling face. I stopped talking, Eleanor just cleaned up my arm and dried it off. It had stopped bleeding so there wasn't any need for any bandages.
It was Harry, who caused me to stop. His face, that friendly smile, with his green eyes glowing almost blue. The dimples in his cheeks, the curls that flopped over his forehead. How I longed to be in his arms. The strong arms that I knew could protect me from anything, including myself.
"You have to promise me you won't tell anyone," Was what I wanted to tell her. She was my best friend, of course I wanted to tell her about my new boyfriend, and that it was him who kept me from doing serious damage. "When I heard Dani's voice," I lied, but what could I say that wouldn't give it all up. I didn't hear Dani's voice though, I didn't really hear El's either, just Charlie's and my own. I didn't even know Danielle was there till I came out. El took me in her arms and wrapped the around me. We stayed like that for a while.
"It will be all right." She rubbed my back sending some comfort to my mind. I pulled away and looked into her eyes.
"Thank you for all you do for me. I'd probably be dead with out you." I told the truth, she put her arms around me again squeezing me tighter.
"Don't ever say that ever again!" She let out a sob. I'd only ever seen her cry once before this, after she'd had a nasty row with Louis before he left for tour. Louis called a few hours later making amends. It was weird, usually I was the one crying. When she pulled away, she wipped her eyes while pulling me to the kitchen. She went to the fridge and pulled out our emergency cookie dough.
"No, Eleanor. I just had a huge dinner with the lads."
"Fine, more for me!" She said with a smile. I followed her to the couch. she grabbed the remote turning our tv on. We went channel surfing and found some stupid competition show with American cooks. It was a marathon we watched for the remainder of the day.
"Hello, just checking to make sure it's the right number!" The familiar voice said before hanging up.
I looked around, it didn't sound like Harry, but alas he was the one giving me a cheeky smile, trying not to laugh.
"You sure everything's all right?" Liam asked as I climbed over Harry's legs to get out of the van. My eyes moved past the van, Harry was looking out the window, not paying attention to me it seemed. My eyes focused and I saw he was watching me through the reflection of the window. He looked more concerned then I'd ever seen anyone. Pain was evident in the way he held his face, he wasn't smiling and his eyes were more of a cold green-grey then the warm friendly color they had been before. And it wasn't the pained look I saw glimmer in his eyes when we were talking before. It was different.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. It's just been kind of a lot today, so maybe after a few hours rest I'll be fine again." I felt rushed, like I had to be somewhere. I pushed the door to the van closed and walked up to my home. The steps, I'd walked up so many times. I ran my fingers up the cold brick walls. A shiver ran down my back from the flickering light on the fourth floor.
"I don't even understand why you try." The all too familiar voice screamed in my head at me. "It's not like you deserve any better." A different, but equally familiar voice taunted me. "It's like you don't try." The first voice pounded at my brain. "You're so worthless." My climb up to the seventh floor slowed as my vision became blurry. "Just do it, it's not like it matters, or that anyone would care." I could understand why I was hearing Charlie's voice, but why was the second voice my own. Had Charlie really gotten so deep under my skin that I was actually starting to believe him? "Because it's true." The second voice said. It was stern like it had to be the truth. "Just do it, you're good for nothing, just do it." The voices were getting louder, the tears falling faster. My speed picked up as I got to my floor.
I flung the key out of my pocket to thrust it into the door. I turned it and the handle at the same time, gaining access into the flat. I didn't care if Eleanor was home. "I knew you didn't have the guts to get rid of it." I knew exactly where it was. Running to my room tears falling down my face, I slammed the door behind me locking it. I knew that if Eleanor was home and she did happen to see me she'd come to see what was wrong. I crawled to my closet. "It's right in there." The voice that was my own told me. "Right there." As much as I didn't want to there was also no point in not.
The blade was out, my sleeve rolled up and the bracelets off. The pounding on the door didn't compare to the pounding in my head. "DO it!" The voices were yelling at me in unison.
I put the blade to my skin as the phone in my pocket vibrated. I dropped the blade on the the baby blue carpet, a drop of blood on the metal. I reached to pick up the blade when the phone in my pants shook again. I took a deep breath before extending my hand out a second time to retrieve it. Like clock work the phone moved again. Deciding it could be important i pulled the piece of plastic out of my front jeans pocket. I looked this time before answering. A smiling picture of Harry came up as the phone vibrated yet a fourth time. The voices went silent. Only the sound of Eleanor and Dani's constant pounding on the door.
"DON'T DO IT!!! PLEASE!!!!" Was he crying? It sounded as though he were sobbing, his breaths shallow and uneven. He sharply inhaled before pleading for me to stop, the tears pouring out my eyes slowed, as I regain control of my body. "please." It was quiet.
"LEXI! Please let us in, Please!!" My friends begged as they're fists continued to hit the door.
"I didn't." I wiped the snot from my nose. "But I almost did." I was really quiet, I felt so ashamed and embarrassed of what I had almost just done. I could hear His loud sigh of relief, but his breathing was still spastic. "I'm sorry." Now feeling shy, it came out even more quiet. I was done crying at the point only the bangs from El and Dani causing noise.
"Go tell them you're all right." Harry told me, I obeyed getting up on my feet covering my arms with my sweater, holding the ends tightly in my hands. I opened the door, Eleanor flung her arms around my neck while Dani gently rubbed comfort into my back. MY phone was still attached to my ear. Harry sighed again before sucking all the snot back into his nose.
"I'm fine." Eleanor held me out and hand on each arm. I couldn't look her in the eyes, but i knew they were filled with concern.
"Dani, I'm sorry to cut this night short, Lexi and i really need some time to ourselves." El was always really nice about keeping my secret, heck, she kept it better then I kept it. Dani didn't ask questions she just put on her coat and left.
"You don't have to leave." I told as she looked back at us before opening the door.
"No, it's all right, it's obviously something for El to handle, unless it's Harry?" She questioned.
"No. Not Harry or any of them." I tried to give Dani a small grin to let her know I'd be all right. She said goodbye and left.
"Do yo want to talk about it?" Harry asked over the phone as Eleanor held me in her arms again.
"I feel weird telling you over the phone."
"Who is that?" Eleanor asked. I quickly remembered no one knew about us yet. He must have remembered as well as the line went dead. A few seconds passed when I received a text.
*Call me back when you get a chance.*
The text read. I told him that I would, but no guarantees as I've alarmed Eleanor and I doubt she would let me be alone at all tonight.
*All right, I'll be thinking of you:)*
He sent back.
"Who are you texting?" El asked as I noticed I was now smiling. When I ignored her she moved on. "Hold out your arms." She said sternly. I did as she asked, pulling up my sleeves. The dry blood on my arm made it look more serious then it was. Eleanor pulled me to her bathroom to wash the blood off my arm. "Why?" She asked like so many times before after I'd gotten home from a night out with Charlie.
"He called me, after I was on the radio with the boys. He called, and I told him off." Again I refused to let tears come to my eyes. "Then the boys invited me to hang out and I told them I wasn't feeling up to it. They dropped me here, and that's when the voices started in my head." I knew there wasn't any point in hiding things from her. She'd get it out of me sooner or later, and I wasn't feeling up for games. "Soon the voices overpowered even your bangs on the door."
"What made you stop, I remember the last time you locked yourself in your room, you came out all cut up, bandages everywhere." Eleanor spoke with care, just trying to help and comfort me. She helps me figure out what makes me feel that way and then she helps me not do those things. She convinced me to finally leave Charlie.
Then I thought about it for the first time since it happened. Nothing could stop me before, there was nothing in this world that would prevent me from inflicting harm upon myself. I dropped the blade after seeing Harry's smiling face. I stopped talking, Eleanor just cleaned up my arm and dried it off. It had stopped bleeding so there wasn't any need for any bandages.
It was Harry, who caused me to stop. His face, that friendly smile, with his green eyes glowing almost blue. The dimples in his cheeks, the curls that flopped over his forehead. How I longed to be in his arms. The strong arms that I knew could protect me from anything, including myself.
"You have to promise me you won't tell anyone," Was what I wanted to tell her. She was my best friend, of course I wanted to tell her about my new boyfriend, and that it was him who kept me from doing serious damage. "When I heard Dani's voice," I lied, but what could I say that wouldn't give it all up. I didn't hear Dani's voice though, I didn't really hear El's either, just Charlie's and my own. I didn't even know Danielle was there till I came out. El took me in her arms and wrapped the around me. We stayed like that for a while.
"It will be all right." She rubbed my back sending some comfort to my mind. I pulled away and looked into her eyes.
"Thank you for all you do for me. I'd probably be dead with out you." I told the truth, she put her arms around me again squeezing me tighter.
"Don't ever say that ever again!" She let out a sob. I'd only ever seen her cry once before this, after she'd had a nasty row with Louis before he left for tour. Louis called a few hours later making amends. It was weird, usually I was the one crying. When she pulled away, she wipped her eyes while pulling me to the kitchen. She went to the fridge and pulled out our emergency cookie dough.
"No, Eleanor. I just had a huge dinner with the lads."
"Fine, more for me!" She said with a smile. I followed her to the couch. she grabbed the remote turning our tv on. We went channel surfing and found some stupid competition show with American cooks. It was a marathon we watched for the remainder of the day.
4/26/13