Waking up that morning was incredibly hard. The pain I felt in my head had blinded me. I attempted opening my eyes, letting the burning sensation awake me more and more. I took in my surroundings and the boy shape next to me and guilt slowly trickled into my heart. I was suddenly overwhelmed and my whole body felt hot with shame. Harry’s arm was limp around my waist and his soft breath was on my neck, reminding me of my stupidity. Why did I stay last night?

The intense throb in my brain broke me from my mental struggle and I realised then, i’d broken my promise. I remembered being offered a beer and refusing and then taking one from Harry’s hands to shut him up, but that’s it, whatever happened after that was a mystery that I had no desire to solve.

After closing my eyes tightly a few times I gathered enough strength to slowly pull my body up into a seated position, Harry groaned but didn’t wake up, thankfully. I looked around the room and saw my clothes neatly folded and placed next to a glass of water and some painkillers. Slowly, I removed myself from Harry’s hold and took the painkiller, mentally thanking Harry. After i’d changed I tiptoed to the door ready for escape, but just before I reached for the handle he spoke,

“I wouldn’t go out there if I was you” His deep voice sounded even more dark and gravely then usual.

“Why not?” I said without turning to face him, hand now firmly on the door handle, ready to turn.

“Because the boys are there and if you leave they’ll ask questions” He responded.

Sighing I turned to face him, with shame written across the entire situation, I decided anything I did next wouldn’t matter anymore, so I crossed the floor and climbed back into the bed. Harry’s raised eyebrows made me regret the decision immediately and when he wrapped his arms around my middle I was ready to jump out of that bed and run home, but I didn’t. In some strange way it was comforting. I’d spent so long trying to avoid people for their own good, i’d forgotten what it felt like to be truly held.

“Who’s Mason?” Harry whispered against my neck, breaking me from my revere’.

I went completely stiff and sat up abruptly, staring down at his now shocked form, which slowly began to match my upright position. He reached for my hand but I pushed his hand away. I was too afraid to look in his eyes, what if he knew already and he was just trying to make me say what i’d done?

“Em, it’s me. You can tell me anything. Have I ever broken your trust?” He whispered, eyes cautiously searching my face.

“You stole from me three times, you’re hardly trustworthy.” I choked out. He chuckled but stopped once he realised I was serious.

“I did it to get close to you.” He was staring intently into my eyes, so intently I had to look away.
This time I let him grab my hand. “persistence payed off right?” He sighed looking away from me.

“That hardly provides me any desire to trust you.” I said looking back at him
“I remember ever word you’ve ever spoken to me, blunt” He chuckled.

“What did you just call me?” I stared at him wide eyed, ignoring the statement about his focus on my every word.

“Blunt” He easily replied, throwing a piece of lint at my face. I swatted it away but smiled. I sighed and we remained silent for what felt like twenty minutes.

“I don’t like that you know” I broke the silence, giving him a sideways glance.

“I know.” He confirmed. “I don’t like when you cry.” He whispered.

“Why not?” I swallowed hard, trying to stop myself from thinking the impossible.

“Because I care Emily...” He began.

“Don’t.” I stated firmly. “Don’t, D-don’t care.” I was staring at his face now trying to control him with my expression.

“Is it because of Mason?” He whispered. When I didn’t respond he continued, “You can tell me you know, I want to help.”

“If three psychologists and three location changes can’t help, I doubt you can Harry” I laughed bitterly.

“Thank you” He softly replied.

“For what?” I scoffed.

“Opening up to me.” He was staring at me now, waiting.

“Mason was my boyfriend in high school.” I spoke numbly.

“Was?” He asked, obviously nervous.

“H-he’s gone now.” I replied, before he could ask I finished the sentence i’d recited to many professionals in what felt like past lives. “He killed himself on the last week of senior year, just before we were free.” I finished.

“I-uh Em, I” He staggered, staring at me in absolute pity.

“Because of me” I spoke turning to look at him.

“You can’t know that” He spoke firmly. I laughed without humor.

“I was his girlfriend, I had one obligation, to love him. I failed him, he killed himself.” I recited.

“Emily...” Harry began.

“Before you start with the pity, I want you to know this.” I began. “He never left a note. Sure the day before we were fine, laughing, joking around, eating frozen yoghurt at the pier, but I should have known he was hurting, I should have stopped it.”

It was the first time i’d spoken those words without tears. They were just fact to me now, I was a monster.

“Emily.” He repeated, firmer this time. “You can’t know it was your fault. Seeing you blame yourself for something you couldn’t prevent is horrible. You loved him, I can tell. If anything, I think your love would have kept him here longer. Holding onto guilt you don’t deserve is not a way to live. I didn’t know him but I know he would have loved you, I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t.” He finished.

“H-Harry, I, I think I still hate myself.” I whispered. “I mean I know I do. I think it would have been easier to grieve and move on if the whole school hadn’t made me feel the emotion i’d been avoiding, guilty.” I chocked out.

Harry reached for me and held me tightly. He didn’t whisper soothing things into my ear, they had no place now and the fact that he understood that, well that was when I first realised I was falling for him.