Fanfiction 101
Misfit
Misfit
Author: Kay_Baby
Rate: 9
Most people would probably start the argument, “But the girl in the picture is way too pretty to be bullied!” What most people don’t understand is that anyone can get bullied, even the “pretty” people, and I love that you are (according to the first author’s note) trying to spread awareness for bullying and the effects it can have on people. In fact, I liked how you included statistics on bullying in the first chapter because it shows some of these effects.
Your grammar was great, minus a few common mistakes you had with dialogue. I don’t know how to explain it so I’ll just show it to you first.
(Instead of)
"Jayden, it's time to go!" My mom called from her place in the front of the moving van.
"Okay, Mom." I called back, hugging Gracie one last time.
(You should have written)
"Jayden, it's time to go!" my mom called from her place in the front of the moving van.
"Okay, Mom," I called back, hugging Gracie one last time.
In the first line of dialogue, the word that follows needs to be lowercase because it is still a continuation of the quote even though it isn’t a part of the quote itself. It’s still part of the same sentence; therefore it isn’t capitalized.
The second line of dialogue needs a comma, not a period, for the same reason. It is still a part of that sentence, so it needs to be a comma. There is a lot more to dialogue and how exactly it should be written, so if you are interested in improving that I totally recommend looking into this page [Link] that someone on here (RealityRuinedMyLife) actually wrote on dialogue. You can totally improve though, because it isn’t that hard and you’re already doing great with everything else grammar wise.
I think I was just partly disgusted by the bathroom scene in the second chapter, but at least now I can see why people don’t write about peeing with vivid description. I mean, if people actually said, “The yellow liquid flowed freely from my vagina,” in their stories, I could see why people wouldn’t want to read that.
I didn’t like how sometimes the narrator (Jayden) addressed the reader (e.g.: What? I’m a daddy’s girl!). Don’t stray to second person – the weakest of all points of view – especially if your story is written mainly in the first person.
Finally, someone who knows how interrupters work! I praise you for being the first person in a while to actually put the comma to say, “How do you do, so-and-so?” and stuff like that.
As for your plot, I have to admit that it was kind of weird to have Liam be the main interest for an AU and still have One Direction be a popular band. Liam and Liam. They look the same, but one is a popstar and one is the main love interest, the misfit, only One Direction Liam doesn’t really matter.
There are only five chapters, but I seriously adore this story. I’ve hit subscribe, and I’m really looking forward to reading more!
If you found this review to be disappointing, I'm can't say I'm sorry. As I said, I am a brutally honest person, or so people tell me. If you would like me to take this down, I will, just ask me. Don't bitch about it either; I don't care what you think, I'm just telling you what I think. Don't get mad, you asked for it. Don't rate this badly just because you don't like what I say. But on the off chance you like what I'm telling you, I'm glad you could learn something from me.
Author: Kay_Baby
Rate: 9
Most people would probably start the argument, “But the girl in the picture is way too pretty to be bullied!” What most people don’t understand is that anyone can get bullied, even the “pretty” people, and I love that you are (according to the first author’s note) trying to spread awareness for bullying and the effects it can have on people. In fact, I liked how you included statistics on bullying in the first chapter because it shows some of these effects.
Your grammar was great, minus a few common mistakes you had with dialogue. I don’t know how to explain it so I’ll just show it to you first.
(Instead of)
"Jayden, it's time to go!" My mom called from her place in the front of the moving van.
"Okay, Mom." I called back, hugging Gracie one last time.
(You should have written)
"Jayden, it's time to go!" my mom called from her place in the front of the moving van.
"Okay, Mom," I called back, hugging Gracie one last time.
In the first line of dialogue, the word that follows needs to be lowercase because it is still a continuation of the quote even though it isn’t a part of the quote itself. It’s still part of the same sentence; therefore it isn’t capitalized.
The second line of dialogue needs a comma, not a period, for the same reason. It is still a part of that sentence, so it needs to be a comma. There is a lot more to dialogue and how exactly it should be written, so if you are interested in improving that I totally recommend looking into this page [Link] that someone on here (RealityRuinedMyLife) actually wrote on dialogue. You can totally improve though, because it isn’t that hard and you’re already doing great with everything else grammar wise.
I think I was just partly disgusted by the bathroom scene in the second chapter, but at least now I can see why people don’t write about peeing with vivid description. I mean, if people actually said, “The yellow liquid flowed freely from my vagina,” in their stories, I could see why people wouldn’t want to read that.
I didn’t like how sometimes the narrator (Jayden) addressed the reader (e.g.: What? I’m a daddy’s girl!). Don’t stray to second person – the weakest of all points of view – especially if your story is written mainly in the first person.
Finally, someone who knows how interrupters work! I praise you for being the first person in a while to actually put the comma to say, “How do you do, so-and-so?” and stuff like that.
As for your plot, I have to admit that it was kind of weird to have Liam be the main interest for an AU and still have One Direction be a popular band. Liam and Liam. They look the same, but one is a popstar and one is the main love interest, the misfit, only One Direction Liam doesn’t really matter.
There are only five chapters, but I seriously adore this story. I’ve hit subscribe, and I’m really looking forward to reading more!
If you found this review to be disappointing, I'm can't say I'm sorry. As I said, I am a brutally honest person, or so people tell me. If you would like me to take this down, I will, just ask me. Don't bitch about it either; I don't care what you think, I'm just telling you what I think. Don't get mad, you asked for it. Don't rate this badly just because you don't like what I say. But on the off chance you like what I'm telling you, I'm glad you could learn something from me.
@That_clifford_girl
Hi! I don't normally do this but I'm just gonna get right on it.
It's in my knowledge that this author isn't coming back. Which means your review isn't coming. But! I recently started up a review store so if you're interested you can link your story there.
All you have to do is click my name and follow the form. :-)
12/31/16