Fanfiction 101
Marcel
(2) Rushed. I feel like your story was way too rushed. It went from: meeting to sleeping in the same bed together to first date to be my girlfriend? to I love you within like a matter of seconds. They've only known each other for what? Four days and their already thinking about having sex. I would be worried about STDs or some shit, not "oh my God, let's have sex" but "no let's wait, I want it to be special.
Slow down in your writing, add more detail; please don'e make it another one of those "breakup, makeup, breakup, makeup, breakup, makeup..." stories because I've read some of your other work before. Also, I know you have dyslexia, but you do pretty good in the grammar area. I only have one thing to note:
Don't write: "I love you." He said.
It should look like: "I love you," he said.
Otherwise, it looks choppy. There are some exceptions to doing this, but the way you're writing it doesn't work.
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
@That_clifford_girl
Hi! I don't normally do this but I'm just gonna get right on it.
It's in my knowledge that this author isn't coming back. Which means your review isn't coming. But! I recently started up a review store so if you're interested you can link your story there.
All you have to do is click my name and follow the form. :-)
12/31/16