Fanfiction 101
THE DEATH OF ME
THE DEATH OF ME
Author: Raylee
Rate: 2
By just looking at the summary, character descriptions, and trailer, I can already assume the basics of your story: she’s a “nobody” (kind of a good girl – just assuming though); he’s a bad boy (a street racer to be more specific – a somebody, if you will); and it’s a complicated relationship development that results in them falling in love. Even more? I can almost guess exactly how this is going to play out, because it’s just that common. However, I don’t make complete assumptions until I’ve read a good portion of a story anymore.
Starting back with your summary, though, I can already see that you aren’t sticking to one verb tense. Try to stick to one or the other and not combine present and past tense verbs together. As an example I’ve taken this sentence from your summary, italicized the past tense verb, and bolded the present tense verbs:
“I went about my business getting people their orders, and making sure they are satisfied.”
If you’re going to use present tense just change “went” to “go”. If you’re going to use the past tense, it should look like this:
“I went about my business, got people their orders, and made sure they were satisfied.”
It’s a matter of style preference, but do try to choose one rather than both at the same time.
One thing I notice right away is that you address readers in the second person as if the narrator is having a friendly conversation with them (kind of like I am addressing you now, but in this context it’s okay). As a writer, you should try to avoid using the second person. Why? Think of it this way: the readers aren’t best friends having a “friendly conversation” with the narrator and vice versa.
On a side note, why is over half of the first chapter linked to itself? It’s not that important to the story, but I was just curious because I got kind of annoyed when I clicked and was brought to the same thing I was on.
What I hate about these kinds of stories is that the girl always just goes along with whatever the guy tells he to do, but she knows he’s not good. The girl pretty much never sticks up for herself either, and when she does, it’s usually a weak attempt that results in the guy getting mad at her. Then, she tries to walk away, but he pretends to be all sweet and apologize so she gives in to whatever is was. Plus, she barely even knows him, and the guy either knows a whole lot of personal stuff about her having stalked her for a while or knows just as much. For your story, it’s the latter of the two, but it still doesn’t put up any guards in the girl and she still goes right along with everything he says.
I got to about the 13th or 14th chapter, skimming the last few that I got to, before I realized it’s basically just a repeat of everything I just said but in different situations. In other words, I got bored. It’s just not interesting to be reading the same little situations like that over and over again. This isn’t just your story though. I’m sure other people love your story, but as a reviewer I’ve read a lot of stories, and I hate to tell you this but this kind of story is pretty common.
Obviously I didn’t get very far into the story. Sometimes when I do this, I understand that there are unique plot twists that happen, but I’d rather move onto more stories on my long and growing list than waste my time trying to find something interesting and cool about your story. If you actually do happen to have some sort of plot twist that you are sure has almost never been done before, you can ask me to give you a new review and point those chapters out.
Overall, though, I’m not really into the story. The plot is so common that it’s too predictable for me. Others might find it to be new and exciting, but it’s definitely not for me.
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
Author: Raylee
Rate: 2
By just looking at the summary, character descriptions, and trailer, I can already assume the basics of your story: she’s a “nobody” (kind of a good girl – just assuming though); he’s a bad boy (a street racer to be more specific – a somebody, if you will); and it’s a complicated relationship development that results in them falling in love. Even more? I can almost guess exactly how this is going to play out, because it’s just that common. However, I don’t make complete assumptions until I’ve read a good portion of a story anymore.
Starting back with your summary, though, I can already see that you aren’t sticking to one verb tense. Try to stick to one or the other and not combine present and past tense verbs together. As an example I’ve taken this sentence from your summary, italicized the past tense verb, and bolded the present tense verbs:
“I went about my business getting people their orders, and making sure they are satisfied.”
If you’re going to use present tense just change “went” to “go”. If you’re going to use the past tense, it should look like this:
“I went about my business, got people their orders, and made sure they were satisfied.”
It’s a matter of style preference, but do try to choose one rather than both at the same time.
One thing I notice right away is that you address readers in the second person as if the narrator is having a friendly conversation with them (kind of like I am addressing you now, but in this context it’s okay). As a writer, you should try to avoid using the second person. Why? Think of it this way: the readers aren’t best friends having a “friendly conversation” with the narrator and vice versa.
On a side note, why is over half of the first chapter linked to itself? It’s not that important to the story, but I was just curious because I got kind of annoyed when I clicked and was brought to the same thing I was on.
What I hate about these kinds of stories is that the girl always just goes along with whatever the guy tells he to do, but she knows he’s not good. The girl pretty much never sticks up for herself either, and when she does, it’s usually a weak attempt that results in the guy getting mad at her. Then, she tries to walk away, but he pretends to be all sweet and apologize so she gives in to whatever is was. Plus, she barely even knows him, and the guy either knows a whole lot of personal stuff about her having stalked her for a while or knows just as much. For your story, it’s the latter of the two, but it still doesn’t put up any guards in the girl and she still goes right along with everything he says.
I got to about the 13th or 14th chapter, skimming the last few that I got to, before I realized it’s basically just a repeat of everything I just said but in different situations. In other words, I got bored. It’s just not interesting to be reading the same little situations like that over and over again. This isn’t just your story though. I’m sure other people love your story, but as a reviewer I’ve read a lot of stories, and I hate to tell you this but this kind of story is pretty common.
Obviously I didn’t get very far into the story. Sometimes when I do this, I understand that there are unique plot twists that happen, but I’d rather move onto more stories on my long and growing list than waste my time trying to find something interesting and cool about your story. If you actually do happen to have some sort of plot twist that you are sure has almost never been done before, you can ask me to give you a new review and point those chapters out.
Overall, though, I’m not really into the story. The plot is so common that it’s too predictable for me. Others might find it to be new and exciting, but it’s definitely not for me.
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
@That_clifford_girl
Hi! I don't normally do this but I'm just gonna get right on it.
It's in my knowledge that this author isn't coming back. Which means your review isn't coming. But! I recently started up a review store so if you're interested you can link your story there.
All you have to do is click my name and follow the form. :-)
12/31/16