It Takes Patience II: Guarded
Chapter 12: From the Beginning
*Reagan’s POV*
Laurie came back with me to my room at the Savoy and we ended up watching tv in bed and falling asleep just like old times. When Laurie woke me up it was seven at night and I felt as if I had wasted an entire day doing nothing.
“We should start getting ready.”
“What kind of party is it?” I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, dreading that I had even agreed to go. I'm really not in the mood.
“Nothing special no need to get dressed up, some nice shoes and a top should do it. It’s just a uni party.” My heart isn’t in it but it’s probably the best thing that I can do to get over the fact that Harry’s slept with other people. When I even dwell on it for a second my mind races with questions, how many more people? Is she prettier? Is she better at it and more experienced than I am? Laurie brings me out of my own head when she comments on my clothes.
“Keep on the jeans you’re wearing. Your ass looks great in them!” I chuckled despite myself and nodded my head as I sifted through my shirts weeding through the maybes and the no’s. After the contents of my luggage bag were all in a pile on the floor in front of me, I finally decided on a low cut black v neck and black ankle boots before changing into my contacts and curling my hair so it fell in waves to my back.
When we got to the party, it was at a house and I was vaguely reminded of the first party that Laurie and I went to together, during a much better time. I plastered a fake smile on my face and forced myself to have a good time. Putting off how I really felt inside wouldn't kill me and by now I've become a pro at hiding my feelings. I got a few drinks in my system and almost believed that everything was fine and that my heart wasn’t aching in my chest. Laurie and I danced and I even got a few guys trying to flirt with me, but I know that it’s not their attention that I want.
In the sea of British accents around me, I could hear one that was very distinct in the crowd. When I looked around I immediately grabbed Laurie’s hand and pulled her away into a bathroom where a girl was lying down, curled around the toilet.
“What is it what’s wrong?”
“They’re here all of them.”
“All of who?” The music was loud and we were tipsy but I needed Laurie to work with me.
“Zayn, Louis, Liam, Niall, and Harry, they’re all here.” Niall has a voice that can be noticed anywhere. Laurie looked at me and grabbed both of my hands with a scheming smile on her face.
“Walk right past him like it doesn’t bother you that he’s here. It’ll drive him nuts.” Laurie giggled at her idea clearly drunk and pleased with herself causing me to join in with her.
“I can’t do that though. I don’t want to see him. Not yet.” I can’t I actually think I’m having fun, actual fun and seeing him now will make me break down.
“Do you want to leave then? I don't mind if we go, I don't really want to see Niall either.” I looked at my watch that covered my bruised wrist and it was only ten forty-five. I shook my head no not wanting to cut the night short and followed Laurie into the room opposite of where Harry and his friends were.
It amazed me that in a space that was relatively small, Harry and I hadn’t bumped into each other. I was suckered into a game of beer pong with Laurie being my partner and we were winning. It was Laurie’s turn and she opted to try to bounce the ball into the cup of our overly drunk opponents that seemed to sober up however when they thought that they would lose. One of them slapped the ball away and as Laurie chugged down her beer, I went to get the ball.
I found it under the couch of the room I desperately tried to avoid. When I stood up I thought my knees would give out under me.
“What are you doing here?”
“Is that all you have to say to me?” I turned on my heel to walk away but he grabbed my elbow stopping me. His touch was gentler today than it was last night.
I wanted to snatch away from him and run. I didn’t plan on talking to him today, but the way he’s looking at me keeps my feet firmly planted into the floor. His eyes where the crystal green that I love and remember from my dreams, they were only the tiniest bit red from his alcohol intake.
“What do you want from me now Harry? I can’t do this with you tonight. Please, please just let me go.” I won’t cry, I won’t cry, I won’t cry.
“I miss you.” Damn it!
I can feel tears sting the back of my eyes again. What is he doing now and why does he have to do it here in a room full of people? He’s drunk. He can’t mean what he’s saying, especially not after what he said last night and what Laurie told me only a few hours ago.
“Harry stop it! Don’t do this to me right now.” I snatch my arm away from H. and anger comes through in my tone instead of anguish. I thank God for the liquid courage bravery that’s beginning to surface.
“Isn’t that what you want to hear? That I miss you and that I want you and need you back?” His condescending tone would have made tears fall if I wasn’t inebriated myself. It was everything that I wanted to hear and needed to hear from him, but not that way, not like this.
“Right now Harry, I don’t want to hear shit from you! I just want you to leave me alone.” I spat the words at him, and when I turned to leave he grabbed me again, this time by the wrist.
The contact made me flinch in pain and when he noticed my reaction, he stopped whatever nasty comment was going to come out of his mouth next.
He grabbed me by the elbow again rolling up the sleeve of my shirt.
“Harry what are you doing? Let go!” I tried to free myself from his grasp but he was to strong and determined to look at my wrist. Harry unclasped my watch and when he did the look on his face, almost made me break my resolve.
He looked completely horrified and his eyes widened bigger than normal. Harry pulled me into the same bathroom that I went in with Laurie so that we could be one on one and I was too afraid of what would happen in the enclosed space. He wore black skinny jeans black boots and a white t-shirt, his hair was pushed off of his head into a quiff, and he smelled so good my mouth watered as my mind trailed off into dirty thoughts of what I could do to him in the bathroom. I’m drunk and I don’t have enough restraint with him right now. If he suggests it I know I would allow it to happen. I’m disgusted with myself.
He turned on the light still holding my hand and lifting my wrist so that he could get a better view of the skin there.
“I did this?” Harry looked at my wrist then into my eyes with pain behind his. I nodded my head slowly not able to speak as he rubbed his thumb over the sore area. His eyebrows furrowed as he continued to rub one wrist then grab the other. When he saw the matching set of purple and blue skin he closed his eyes and put my arms gently back at my side.
“I hurt you?”
“It looks worse than it is.” My voice was almost a whisper. I’m still angry with him, but right now is not the time to hash it out. Harry shook his head in disbelief of what I was saying and the pained look in his eyes became more visible on the rest of his beautiful face.
“Reagan, I hurt you.” Harry backed away from me running a hand through his hair and pinching his bottom lip. I took a step towards him slowly raising my hand to touch the side of his face. He looked as if he were cornered and not sure of what to do when I got so close. I lowered my hand back to my side and I could see him relax when he realized I wasn't going to touch him.
“I’m fine Harry. It doesn’t hurt.”
“I should have never come last night. I should have never touched you. If I hadn’t seen you it would have never happened.” Harry stepped away from me again and I tossed my inhibitions out the window when I grabbed his face. He furrowed his eyebrows, but didn’t tell me not to touch him, instead he gently grabbed my elbows and removed my hands from him.
“I wanted last night to happen. I wanted you to touch me. I needed to feel you and know that you were really there. I’ve missed you so much Harry. I know right now isn’t the time to talk about it but we have to. Please talk to me? After we do and you still don’t want me, that’s fine. I’ll-”
“I never said I didn’t want you Reagan!” Harry sat down on the edge of the tub and breathed out heavily, with pain still evident in his eyes.
“Then what was that about last night? You confuse me so much Harry. I can’t handle it. I need to know for sure! Give me a definite answer. Do we still have a chance?”
Harry chewed at his bottom lip and looked up at me uneasy with himself, having an internal battle. It had only been a few seconds before he responded, but it felt longer.
“I have really missed you Reagan.” He wasn't being condescending this time and the words rolled off his tongue. His voice was barely at a whisper and he spoke slower than normal. To anyone else it would be hard to hear him, but I drowned out the background noise. Right now at this moment there was only me and him.
He rested his elbows on his knees and chewed on both of his lips before he placed his head in his hands and ran both hands through his hair. When he stood, he kept his distance from me and I thought my heart would stop beating.
“Harry?” Harry looked at me and stepped closer, not too close, but he didn’t feel as far away anymore.
“I want to... I want to try, but it won’t be easy. I’m not promising anything, but I can’t be away from you either. I’m just as confused as you are.” I let out a breath I didn’t know that I was holding when he spoke. I shook my head in agreement with him. He’s going to try and right now that was enough for me to hear.
I wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him everything I was feeling in that moment, but I know he’s not ready for that level of closeness yet. We’re going to start over. My insides felt as if they would burst. I still have my own set of issues to get through with Harry, but we have a chance. Everything seemed a little brighter and I tried to contain my smile but I couldn’t. Harry gave me a half smirk (if that’s even possible) and even that changed my outlook on the whole night.
Harry looked down at his watch and mumble something along the lines of ‘it’s like I’m fucking Cinder-fella’ before he looked back at me.
“I’ve got to go.”
“Oh. Okay.” I don’t want him to leave, and even if I’m getting reattached too fast I don’t care. He's actually willing to try.
“Come with me.” We left out of the bathroom and I was taken aback by his request. He wen't from condescending and angry at me to mellowed and wanting me to come with him back home within a matter of minutes.
“I came with Laurie. I can’t just leave.” Harry rolled his eyes and then pointed in the direction of the kitchen where Laurie and Niall were wound so tight that it wasn’t clear where one ended and the other began. Harry looked back at me and raised an eyebrow and though my subconscious told me to say no, I took out my phone and texted Laurie that I was leaving with Harry to sort things out. I hoped that she wouldn’t be upset with me and followed Harry out the door, ready to try and start over from the beginning.
Laurie came back with me to my room at the Savoy and we ended up watching tv in bed and falling asleep just like old times. When Laurie woke me up it was seven at night and I felt as if I had wasted an entire day doing nothing.
“We should start getting ready.”
“What kind of party is it?” I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, dreading that I had even agreed to go. I'm really not in the mood.
“Nothing special no need to get dressed up, some nice shoes and a top should do it. It’s just a uni party.” My heart isn’t in it but it’s probably the best thing that I can do to get over the fact that Harry’s slept with other people. When I even dwell on it for a second my mind races with questions, how many more people? Is she prettier? Is she better at it and more experienced than I am? Laurie brings me out of my own head when she comments on my clothes.
“Keep on the jeans you’re wearing. Your ass looks great in them!” I chuckled despite myself and nodded my head as I sifted through my shirts weeding through the maybes and the no’s. After the contents of my luggage bag were all in a pile on the floor in front of me, I finally decided on a low cut black v neck and black ankle boots before changing into my contacts and curling my hair so it fell in waves to my back.
When we got to the party, it was at a house and I was vaguely reminded of the first party that Laurie and I went to together, during a much better time. I plastered a fake smile on my face and forced myself to have a good time. Putting off how I really felt inside wouldn't kill me and by now I've become a pro at hiding my feelings. I got a few drinks in my system and almost believed that everything was fine and that my heart wasn’t aching in my chest. Laurie and I danced and I even got a few guys trying to flirt with me, but I know that it’s not their attention that I want.
In the sea of British accents around me, I could hear one that was very distinct in the crowd. When I looked around I immediately grabbed Laurie’s hand and pulled her away into a bathroom where a girl was lying down, curled around the toilet.
“What is it what’s wrong?”
“They’re here all of them.”
“All of who?” The music was loud and we were tipsy but I needed Laurie to work with me.
“Zayn, Louis, Liam, Niall, and Harry, they’re all here.” Niall has a voice that can be noticed anywhere. Laurie looked at me and grabbed both of my hands with a scheming smile on her face.
“Walk right past him like it doesn’t bother you that he’s here. It’ll drive him nuts.” Laurie giggled at her idea clearly drunk and pleased with herself causing me to join in with her.
“I can’t do that though. I don’t want to see him. Not yet.” I can’t I actually think I’m having fun, actual fun and seeing him now will make me break down.
“Do you want to leave then? I don't mind if we go, I don't really want to see Niall either.” I looked at my watch that covered my bruised wrist and it was only ten forty-five. I shook my head no not wanting to cut the night short and followed Laurie into the room opposite of where Harry and his friends were.
It amazed me that in a space that was relatively small, Harry and I hadn’t bumped into each other. I was suckered into a game of beer pong with Laurie being my partner and we were winning. It was Laurie’s turn and she opted to try to bounce the ball into the cup of our overly drunk opponents that seemed to sober up however when they thought that they would lose. One of them slapped the ball away and as Laurie chugged down her beer, I went to get the ball.
I found it under the couch of the room I desperately tried to avoid. When I stood up I thought my knees would give out under me.
“What are you doing here?”
“Is that all you have to say to me?” I turned on my heel to walk away but he grabbed my elbow stopping me. His touch was gentler today than it was last night.
I wanted to snatch away from him and run. I didn’t plan on talking to him today, but the way he’s looking at me keeps my feet firmly planted into the floor. His eyes where the crystal green that I love and remember from my dreams, they were only the tiniest bit red from his alcohol intake.
“What do you want from me now Harry? I can’t do this with you tonight. Please, please just let me go.” I won’t cry, I won’t cry, I won’t cry.
“I miss you.” Damn it!
I can feel tears sting the back of my eyes again. What is he doing now and why does he have to do it here in a room full of people? He’s drunk. He can’t mean what he’s saying, especially not after what he said last night and what Laurie told me only a few hours ago.
“Harry stop it! Don’t do this to me right now.” I snatch my arm away from H. and anger comes through in my tone instead of anguish. I thank God for the liquid courage bravery that’s beginning to surface.
“Isn’t that what you want to hear? That I miss you and that I want you and need you back?” His condescending tone would have made tears fall if I wasn’t inebriated myself. It was everything that I wanted to hear and needed to hear from him, but not that way, not like this.
“Right now Harry, I don’t want to hear shit from you! I just want you to leave me alone.” I spat the words at him, and when I turned to leave he grabbed me again, this time by the wrist.
The contact made me flinch in pain and when he noticed my reaction, he stopped whatever nasty comment was going to come out of his mouth next.
He grabbed me by the elbow again rolling up the sleeve of my shirt.
“Harry what are you doing? Let go!” I tried to free myself from his grasp but he was to strong and determined to look at my wrist. Harry unclasped my watch and when he did the look on his face, almost made me break my resolve.
He looked completely horrified and his eyes widened bigger than normal. Harry pulled me into the same bathroom that I went in with Laurie so that we could be one on one and I was too afraid of what would happen in the enclosed space. He wore black skinny jeans black boots and a white t-shirt, his hair was pushed off of his head into a quiff, and he smelled so good my mouth watered as my mind trailed off into dirty thoughts of what I could do to him in the bathroom. I’m drunk and I don’t have enough restraint with him right now. If he suggests it I know I would allow it to happen. I’m disgusted with myself.
He turned on the light still holding my hand and lifting my wrist so that he could get a better view of the skin there.
“I did this?” Harry looked at my wrist then into my eyes with pain behind his. I nodded my head slowly not able to speak as he rubbed his thumb over the sore area. His eyebrows furrowed as he continued to rub one wrist then grab the other. When he saw the matching set of purple and blue skin he closed his eyes and put my arms gently back at my side.
“I hurt you?”
“It looks worse than it is.” My voice was almost a whisper. I’m still angry with him, but right now is not the time to hash it out. Harry shook his head in disbelief of what I was saying and the pained look in his eyes became more visible on the rest of his beautiful face.
“Reagan, I hurt you.” Harry backed away from me running a hand through his hair and pinching his bottom lip. I took a step towards him slowly raising my hand to touch the side of his face. He looked as if he were cornered and not sure of what to do when I got so close. I lowered my hand back to my side and I could see him relax when he realized I wasn't going to touch him.
“I’m fine Harry. It doesn’t hurt.”
“I should have never come last night. I should have never touched you. If I hadn’t seen you it would have never happened.” Harry stepped away from me again and I tossed my inhibitions out the window when I grabbed his face. He furrowed his eyebrows, but didn’t tell me not to touch him, instead he gently grabbed my elbows and removed my hands from him.
“I wanted last night to happen. I wanted you to touch me. I needed to feel you and know that you were really there. I’ve missed you so much Harry. I know right now isn’t the time to talk about it but we have to. Please talk to me? After we do and you still don’t want me, that’s fine. I’ll-”
“I never said I didn’t want you Reagan!” Harry sat down on the edge of the tub and breathed out heavily, with pain still evident in his eyes.
“Then what was that about last night? You confuse me so much Harry. I can’t handle it. I need to know for sure! Give me a definite answer. Do we still have a chance?”
Harry chewed at his bottom lip and looked up at me uneasy with himself, having an internal battle. It had only been a few seconds before he responded, but it felt longer.
“I have really missed you Reagan.” He wasn't being condescending this time and the words rolled off his tongue. His voice was barely at a whisper and he spoke slower than normal. To anyone else it would be hard to hear him, but I drowned out the background noise. Right now at this moment there was only me and him.
He rested his elbows on his knees and chewed on both of his lips before he placed his head in his hands and ran both hands through his hair. When he stood, he kept his distance from me and I thought my heart would stop beating.
“Harry?” Harry looked at me and stepped closer, not too close, but he didn’t feel as far away anymore.
“I want to... I want to try, but it won’t be easy. I’m not promising anything, but I can’t be away from you either. I’m just as confused as you are.” I let out a breath I didn’t know that I was holding when he spoke. I shook my head in agreement with him. He’s going to try and right now that was enough for me to hear.
I wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him everything I was feeling in that moment, but I know he’s not ready for that level of closeness yet. We’re going to start over. My insides felt as if they would burst. I still have my own set of issues to get through with Harry, but we have a chance. Everything seemed a little brighter and I tried to contain my smile but I couldn’t. Harry gave me a half smirk (if that’s even possible) and even that changed my outlook on the whole night.
Harry looked down at his watch and mumble something along the lines of ‘it’s like I’m fucking Cinder-fella’ before he looked back at me.
“I’ve got to go.”
“Oh. Okay.” I don’t want him to leave, and even if I’m getting reattached too fast I don’t care. He's actually willing to try.
“Come with me.” We left out of the bathroom and I was taken aback by his request. He wen't from condescending and angry at me to mellowed and wanting me to come with him back home within a matter of minutes.
“I came with Laurie. I can’t just leave.” Harry rolled his eyes and then pointed in the direction of the kitchen where Laurie and Niall were wound so tight that it wasn’t clear where one ended and the other began. Harry looked back at me and raised an eyebrow and though my subconscious told me to say no, I took out my phone and texted Laurie that I was leaving with Harry to sort things out. I hoped that she wouldn’t be upset with me and followed Harry out the door, ready to try and start over from the beginning.
haha mine too they always try to put an extra "a" in it
4/1/14