Looking Forward

Jenna p.o.v ( Put ' in the arms of angel' by Sarah McLachlan on replay)- trust me it adds effects. Might make you cry.)

Shortly after Harry left, Charlie's doctor called making me more anxious than I already was. I started debating with myself as to whether I should or shouldn't answer. A part of me was scared to answer and be greeted with bad news but the other part was hopeful that it were good news. I know in time like this you should be thinking positively so you up your luck but I just couldn't find in me to think 'happily'. Last time I raised my hopes up, I learned that Charlie cancer had gotten worse so no. I'm not going to get my hopes up.

I was so out of it I didn't even notice when Pamela took the phone out of my hands and answered it for me.

"Hello?" She said a bit unsure of herself.

" Um yes she's here. Please wait a minute." I heard her say before she passed me the phone.

I shook my head at her not wanting to answer the phone afraid of what he might say. She sigh before gently putting the phone in my hand but I only dropped it.

" Jenna what are you doing?" She asked as she picked it back up from where it'd fell.

" I can't answer it." I simply said putting my head down not wanting to meet her eyes.

" It's Charlie's doctor Jenna. Is important. Now answer it" She said shoving the phone in my hand making sure I grabbed it this time.

" I'm scared." I whispered my voice barely audible but she heard.

She pulled me into a hug before speaking again. " It's going to be fine. I promise. "Just...answer it and see what he says." She said as she unwrapped her arms around my small body.

I took a deep breath,shyly nodding my head at her before finally answering the phone.

"Hello?" I said into the phone praying that he had already hung up.

" Um yes Hello. Is this Jenna?' He asked unsure as to who exactly he was speaking to.

I slowly nodded my head but quickly responded when I realized that he couldn't see me.
" Y-yea this is she."

" Oh hey Jenna. Sorry, I wasn't sure if it was you or not." He said his voice a bit excited to speak to me.

"It's okay." I said with a smile even though I knew he, again, couldn't see me.

" How are you doing?" He asked getting bit off topic but somehow releasing some of the nerves that I was feeling.

" Um good I guess. It'll kind of depend on what you have to say." I said rubbing my sweaty palms on the thigh.

"Right about that..." He started saying, probably looking for the right words, " I was going through Charlie's file and it seems that.." He paused again, as he looked for words.

" It seems to me that Charlie's condition is getting better. She just need to keep taking her pills and receiving her chemotherapy and everything should be good." He said with excitement in his voice, obviously quite happy with himself.

I swear my heart almost popped in excitement and happiness when those words left his mouth. I've never felt so happy since...well I've never felt so happy in my life. At that moment all the jewels and money in the world couldn't bring me a third of the joy that I was experiencing at the moment.

"So she's okay." I asked making sure that everything was indeed fine.

" Yes she's good. But I'm afraid that doesn't reduce the amount of time that she has left. The situation remains the same for now. As you know (her breast cancer), it's spread to too many other sites in her body, creating enough tumor burden. Charlie is already physiologically overwhelmed. Not to forget that those tumors are infected which is the reason why she doesn't have long to live. Not to mention that she's only five years old which makes it much worse. Which leads to me to say that, she only has a few months now." He said bringing me back to the way I was feeling before. Hopeless.

" But, but you said she was okay. You JUST said she was okay. How can she go from 3years to a FEW MONTHS?" I said starting to feel the anger slowly starting to rise.

" Yes but, there's only so much that she can be if she's not at the hospital where I can I check up on her every day. And yes a few months. She's a kid Jenna so it is much, much worse than if she were an adult."

" I'M NOT LETTING HER SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE IN THAT FILTLY HOSPITAL. SHE'S A KID FOR GOODNESS SAKE! I HAD PLANNED WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO TOGETHER FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS BUT NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME IT'S MOTHNS." I yelled at him through the phone. I knew it wasn't his fault but I just couldn't stop myself from screaming at him. I had to let my anger out at something. In this case it's a someone.

" Look, *Sigh*, I know what you're going through a tough time and this thing with Charlie is only making things worse. I understand that you want her all to yourself for the next few months to come but it would be best if she was in a hospital with doctors and--"

" And what? A dull room filled with meds everywhere preparing her for her death? I know that it would be best if she was in a hospital trust me I know. But I can't let her spend the rest of her life filled with doctors and medicine. I don't want her last memory to be some nurse injecting a needle in her body. I want her to live her life cause that's what she should be doing at 5. Living. Her. Life."

" I understand what you are going through trust me I do but, in time like this sacrifices needs to be made. She has to come to the hospital. She doesn't have to live there. Maybe stay there 2 days a week or even 3 days a week. All I'm saying is that there will come a time when she would have to come live in the hospital until her final days arrives."

" Yea I don't think so." I said before I hung up on him before he said anything else.

Doctor Cooper has been her doctor ever since we found out about the news and I know his just trying to be helpful but I just couldn't listen to hi, talk anymore. I'm not letting her spend the rest of her life in that depressing hospital. Fuck staying in there would probably cause her too die sooner than expected.

" What did he say?" Pam concerned asked me interrupting my thoughts.

" Can I please tell you tomorrow. I don't want to talk about it now." I said with tears slowly starting to fall.

She gave me a big hug before nodding her head in understanding.
"Remember I'm here for you if you need me, Always." She said to me before she left.

As soon as I heard the door close, I ran to the bathroom to do something I haven't in done in about a good two months and 16 days.

I open the bottom drawer underneath the sink and got out a friend I've actually quite missed.

I pulled out then blade but stopped when my dad's voice rand in my head.

' Don't do it' It said to me. But I couldn't oblige.

" I'm sorry...I'm so sorry" I said as I ran the blade across my arm.

I winced at the pain that shot through my body after I cut the blade deep into my skin. As hurtful as it felt, It somehow made me feel good. I kept cutting smaller marks on my wrist for every time I'd felt pain but I'm probably going to be dead by the time I get half way through it, which actually wouldn't be a bad idea. I mean the only thing that is keeping me alive is Charlie and she's about to die in a few months, so there won't be much need for me to keep suffering on earth when I can kill myself and meet her at the gates cause I'm sure as hell know I won't make it to heaven so what the hell!

Sure I had Pamela, but she can take care of herself. I'm grateful for every thing that she has done and keep doing for me but she is way stronger than I am. She would beat down anyone who tries to make fun of her. Not that it happens a lot since she's one tough scary gal to mess with. Well there's that plus she wouldn't care and that's the difference between her and I.

I cared. And I care a lot more than I need to.

I wanted to sit down and cry like I always do after I cut myself or feel worthless ( which would be every single day), but today I didn't want cry. I wiped away the few tears that had streamed down my face when I felt the blade connect with my skin but I didn't let anymore tears come down. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror.

Gosh was I ugly.

No wonder people bullied me. Fuck even I would bully me, which I already do.

I have cried so many times for others and for myself that...* Sigh*. I just couldn't do it anymore. Cause the same thing is going to happen again. I'll cry and pray for hours and hours and nothing will change. Even if I do cry. What happens next? I'll get up, wash the blood away, go to bed, and wake up the next day and nothing would be different. People won't change nor would they notice. Even of they did they wouldn't care. Which is understandable, I mean why would they care right? I'm just another girl that they pick on who happens to cut herself.

But I didn't know any different way to do it. Even though I knew nothing would change, I sat down and I cried. And I cried and cried for hours and hours, careful not to make too much noise. I don't want Pamela to see what've done. I promised her a long time ago that I'd stop cutting and ...well I haven't. I don't want o see the hurt and disappointment on her face if she knew I cut again.

After a few hours or so I finally got up and quietly washed the blood away. I didn't bother covering my wound and just went about taking care of my blade. My only friend. Or my enemy give or take my drug. I'd call it my friendly addiction. After I finished washing everything I went to bed and this time I slept. I slept a dreamless dream where everything was black.

Just like my life.

* Skip to the next day*

I got up and put on a gray sweat shirt, black jeans, and gray boots. I made sure that the sweat shirt covered my cuts.
-
After I dropped off Charlie at school, I drove Pam & I to school.
We got out the car to be greeted by Niall who I just calmly ignored and swiftly made my way into the building pulling my sweatshirt down so no one could see... you know.

As I made my way to class I bumped into someone making them drop their books. I quickly bend down to pick them up not realizing that my sweatshirt had gone up a bit revealing some cuts on my wrist.

" Thank you." A deep voice said making me drop the books again.

I quickly got up and left to only bump into someone else. Only this time someone I really never liked. Miley.

" What were you're going bitch." She yelled at me.

I turned around to leave when I heard something that had made me feel so special when said to me.

'Babe'

" Babe she didn't mean it." I heard Harry say behind me.

I turned around to find him holding Miley in his arms. My heart stopped for just a second at what I was seeing in front of me. Miley noticed my shock and discomfort & used that opportunity to kiss Harry who didn't seem to mind. I wanted to punch him the face and break down and cry but instead I forced the tears away and made my back to class.

It was at that moment that I realize that I was right.

His just like them. No, his just like him.

Notes

Sorry for the wait. I haven't updated in a while I know again sorry. But we have a new-co author so yay. though I need help so I got the wonderful Zaynlove to help me.
hoped you enjoyed.

So, what did you think?
Did it make you cry or was it just bad?
Who d you think is the He that Jenna keeps talking about?
Do you think that Harry is really going out with Miley?

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