Never in a million years would I be content with James showing his ass around me. The night he showed up at the vacation house was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It literally took everything Harry had just to convince me to consider it, and then my mother was the one who convinced me that James actually deserved the closure. Although I deeply regretted this, I agreed.
We waited patiently outside of the room for him to show. Well, I should say that Harry waited patiently. I was pacing the floor. My body shook in anger. I had Harry call him and say that his woman was not to come with him by any means. This was his goodbye to my mother, his actual love. This wasn’t for a whore, especially the one that ruined my family.
After fifteen minutes of waiting outside of the room, James came walking up. He had a look of fear in his eyes. Not only did he have fear, but he had guilt, regret, and shame. All the looks I prayed to God to see in his face but not like this. I began to regret wishing to see his pain. This wasn’t how I wanted it to be. I didn’t know whether to feel satisfied that he was now hurting, or to be sad because that pain was pain that I shared. Regardless, the reunion was bittersweet.
“Is she still….,” he couldn’t even finish his sentence.
Harry gave a slight nod to assure him the worst was yet to come. “She’s still here. I’m sure she’s holding on to give a final goodbye.”
Harry’s words were soothing to me, but I was still refusing to cope with my mother’s death. It was as if death was knocking at her door, and I was begging her not to, but she opened the door anyway. Seeing James here just added onto all the hurt I was holding onto.
He went to pull me into a hug. I didn’t want anything to do with James. I quickly pushed him off of me. He looked at me, tears flowing down his eyes. I had never seen him cry like how he was crying now. Somewhere deep down, I wanted to reach out and comfort him, However, my hate and anger was too strong to even give comfort towards him a second thought. It was easier for Kayla. Even though I didn’t want her to be around him, she ran into his arms. She was completely oblivious to death being so close.
James held her tight in his arms as he began to sob silently. He looked at me. “Mitchie, I’m so sorry I left you all. Please, just please forgive me.”
I couldn’t sense a bit of remorse in his voice. I didn’t trust him. I never thought the day would come where I didn’t trust a person’s voice, let alone my own father. All his apology did to me was infuriate me. With my fists in balls, I heaved a deep breath and let my anger out.
“You’re apologies mean nothing to me! You’re here to say goodbye, and goodbye only. Once that is done, I want you gone! You’ve been nothing but a burden on this family. You’re only here because she’s dying, and you’ll be gone to that whore as soon as this is done!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I had forgotten about Kayla being in his arms. When I did realize, it was too late. Her small framed face turned to me. “Is it true?”
Harry took my hand and said, “Mitchie, go sit down.”
Kayla looked back at our father. “Is this true, daddy? Is mommy dying?”
He sat down on a chair nearby with her on his knee. I was planning to break this news to her with Harry, but it appeared that James would be the bearer of bad news. He took her head in his hands and began to explain to her what was happening.
I watched as her expression went from confused to pure sadness. Guilt washed over me like a wave drowning a person who didn’t know how to swim. I threw myself out in the shark infested waters without any protection. Kayla was just five years old, and she was now introduced to heartbreak because of me. I was sad. I was sad, and I was angry.
Harry tried to take me by my hand. “No!” I screamed at him and ran from him. I heard him call after me, but I didn’t pay any attention to anyone. I ran to the elevator, quickly pushing the button to go down. I needed time to myself. I needed to think.
****
I was sitting in the cold by myself. Really, I just had to be off to myself until James left. I couldn’t be in a room with him. All he did to us was in my brain. With my forgiving mother and unaware sister, I was the one holding all the anger. I carried the anger my mother should have, the anger my sister should have, and the anger I had times ten.
Really, I just couldn’t understand why they didn’t seem to understand me. I told them time and time again that James and I could never be in the same room together. He wasn’t even a father to me. My own father, and I couldn’t even call him ‘Father’. How sad was that? It was pretty damn sad.
I just sat in the freezing cold trying to hold onto what bit of sanity that I had left. My brain was screaming a million questions in my head, and I couldn’t answer anyone of them. My mind was in a different place than what my body would ever be. The air outside wasn’t even doing a thing to me. I shook because of my anger and guilt. I began to think of how foolish my actions truly were.
Nothing went through my mind more than ‘You’re an idiot, Mitchie.’ That’s what dominated my mind. I was truly an idiot. I lost my friend, my best friend. I didn’t want anything to do with my father over something that happened years ago. Now, I was arguing with Harry. I was over with it all. I didn’t know what to do.
Footsteps echoed in my ears as my mind tried to escape all of its thoughts. Looking up wasn’t even an option during this time. Ashamed as I was, I didn’t want to face whoever it was that was standing. I knew it had to be someone I knew because no random stranger is going to ask a white girl what’s wrong.
“You know you’ll catch a deathly cold out here,” a familiar voice said. I looked up. Chance stood there. His expression wasn’t able to read. It was too blank to even describe how it looked.
“You know that I don’t really give a fuck, right?” I asked him. He didn’t laugh like he usually did. The entire scene was awkward. I couldn’t even find another word to murmur out.
Chance stuck his hands into his jean pockets with his thumbs hooked out. He wasn’t who he really was. Ever since Harry had knocked him out of the hospital, he just looked darker. Even if I hadn’t seen him but this one time, he seemed much older, darker. He didn’t say anything for what felt like forever. Finally, I heard him breathe.
“You’re pregnant.” His words were like fire melting the artic. I was shuddering inside now.
“Yes,” I answered.
“You didn’t tell anyone about it until now?” Chance asked with a deep, upset tone.
“Yeah,” I murmured into my hands.
“Why not?” He pleaded with me. “I could have been there for you. You know that Harry isn’t going to be there for that child. He’ll leave, Mitchie!”
I shot my head up and snapped, “You don’t know that! You’re lying!”
“I’m not!” He snapped back. “You know how these kinds of boys are, Mitchie! You’re not stupid. I know that I’d be a better father than him! Where the fuck is he? Talking to your dad? You don’t even like your dad! You need to open your fucking eyes and see what the fuck it is that you’re doing.”
I winced at his words. Of all the people in the world that could say anything like that, it was him. He was once one of my closest friends. We were hardly talking to each other before he out and started this again. This wasn’t a friendship I wanted. His face lightened when he looked and saw the pain on my face.
“Mitchie,” He said trying to take my arm. “I’m sorry.”
I pushed him off of me. “I think you need to leave.”
He went for me again, “Mitchie..”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Harry’s figure running out towards where he and I were now standing face to face. His expression was pure rage and anger. With one move of an arm, Harry knocked Chance onto the ground. He wasn’t in the mood to discuss anything with Chance.
“What the fuck did I tell you, you bastard!?” he yelled at the very top of his lungs.
“Chill the fuck out, man!” Chance screamed in response as he got up.
“I heard all the shit you said,” Harry hissed, taking him by the collar and knocking him against a wall. “You think I’m not father material?”
Chance, in attempt to save himself, replied, “You have it wrong, bro. You have it wrong. I didn’t mean it like that.” Chance was shaking in fear. I was too shocked to move.
“You think I’m a cookie-cutter, pop star that will up and leave my family!?” Harry belted, knocking his back up against the brick. Chance let out a yelp in pain.
“Harry, calm down. Please!” I tried to say. My breath should have been saved. He was too infuriated by Chance’s presence to even listen to anyone. He had the entire world tuned out.
“Listen to her, man. Please. Please,” Chance begged. Blood was coming from his nose the second Harry’s fist met his face. Chance’s back looked scraped up and bloody. The site of him made my stomach churn. In just a few seconds, Harry was on top of him, beating the living hell out of Chance.
There wasn’t anyone around to stop the bloody mess. The snow surrounding the boys was becoming red. I was literally afraid that Chance might end up dying. I ran over to Harry, and I tried my hardest to pull him off. To no avail, I finally let out a scream so loud that Harry had no choice but to listen.
He rose up, still having Chance in his fists. He understood my plea. He wasn’t about to let him go just yet. He turned and with the darkest voice began to talk to him.
“That’s my child, not yours! I’m his father, and I swear to God if it’s the last thing I’ll do, I’ll be with my family. You can bet on that.” He dropped Chance. He looked up in fear at Harry as he said, “You show up here again, and I’ll end you. You’ve done enough damage to her as it is.”
Chance got up and ran. I looked as his limp figure quickly disappear in the distance. There went the person that I thought was one of the closest things I had in my life. I looked over at Harry, who was standing there with his hand open.
“It’s time, Mitchie.” His voice was more soothing and angelic. I knew what he meant. My mother was leaving us for good.