between the raindrops

It’d been only a couple of days since I left my home in Southport to tag along on One Directions tour. I was already starting to feel a bit homesick, but to my surprise the boys welcomed me and Beth with open arms and I knew if I ever needed a hug I could turn to either Beth or Harry.

“Yep.” Harry answered, popping the p like he always seemed to do.

Rolling my eyes, I made my way over to Beth and sat on her lap. Wrapping an arm loosely around her neck, Beth wrapped her arms around my waist as we looked at the laptop screen that was on the coffee table.

The boys crowded around us before Harry pressed play. Me and Beth sat there silently just taking in the video and were Liam’s character started dancing, that’s when both our bodies started shaking from our silent giggles. Once it finished, me and Beth looked at each other and just grinned.

We had five set of eyes on us, waiting to hear what we thought of it. My blue eyes looked at each boy and locked eyes with Harry’s. “It was puurrrrr-fect.” I grinned at all the boys now.

“I must say, Zayn you look hot as a girl.” Beth added giving Zayn a wink.

The boys laughed along with me and Beth. It felt good laughing. I hadn’t laughed since Lucas’s death and just two days into being with the band, I already knew that Harry had been right. This was good for me. But everyone knows something good always comes with something bad.

“Anyone want something to eat?” I asked, suddenly getting the urge to cook.

“My god! Is Kimberly really going to cook?” Beth asked in a fake shocked voice.

Rolling my eyes I lightly hit the back of her head before I stood up. It didn’t take long for the boys to accept my offer of food.

“Alright. Harry can help.” I smirked at him as I walked passed him and into the hotel kitchen.

Pulling open the fridge, I peered into it but then all of a sudden didn’t feel like cooking. Memories of me and Lucas came crashing into my mind. How he’d often cling onto me as I cooked for me. Or if we had one of our houses to ourselves, I’d wear one of his tops and just my underwear. He’d pretend to take pictures of me as I made the food.

Closing the fridge, my eyes closed at the same time and I started doing some breathing exercises. I was stronger than this. But then the guilt settled into the pit of my stomach and the aching in my heart intensified. How could I be so happy? Lucas had lost his life in order to save mine and here I was being happy. I was acting like he didn’t exists.

“Kim, you alright?” A husky voice sounded only a few meters away from me.

My eyes snapped open as I spun around to face Harry. I hadn’t even noticed him. I’d been too wrapped up in my thoughts that I hadn’t realized he’d joined me. Forcing a smile that didn’t reach my eyes, I nodded and quickly averted my eyes to the kitchen floor. Still overwhelmed by my guilt.

“Uh yeah I’m fine. I just remembered I have to do something…” I lied, still refusing to look at Harry.

“What do you have to do?” He asked his voice thick with concern. I knew he didn’t believe me.

“It’s none of your business.” I snapped, my eyes flying up to his face.

That’s when I noticed the others standing in the kitchen doorway. Inhaling a shaky breath, I knew I needed to get my shit together. I couldn’t be the person who brought everyone down. I wasn’t going to ruin this fun experience for the boys and Beth.

“Sorry guys but it looks like you’re gonna have to get your own food. I just remembered I have something to do.” I apologized to everyone but Harry.

“Kim…” Beth trailed off, concern etched all over her face.

“I’m fine Bethy. Just keep the boy’s entertained while I’m out okay?” I said softly.

With that I quickly scurried out of the kitchen and out of Niall’s hotel room. My speed didn’t decrease until I got to my room. Shutting the door (or more like slamming it) I made my way into the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat. Wrapping my arms around my middle, I held onto myself in hopes that my urge to vomit would go away.

I knew I wasn’t sick or anything. I needed to vomit because of the amount of guilt I felt. My breathing started getting choppier and I knew what was happening. I was starting to have a panic attack. I hadn’t had one for a couple of years and the only person who knew how to handle my panic attacks. But he wasn’t here. Instead I was all alone and that thought alone made my breathing turn even more irregular.

I started sweating and it wasn’t long until I got hot shivers. I still had my arms wrapped around myself as the nausea didn’t decrease. It stayed and it wasn’t long until my hands and feet started going a bit numb. I knew that my adrenaline would most likely kick in soon. I was just glad no one was here to suffocate me. I’d never liked having people around me when I had a panic attack. Having people crowd around me always made things worse.

But then the bathroom door cracked open and soon enough it swung open fully to reveal Harry. His green orbs took in the scene before him and he obviously didn’t have a clue what was going on. But the concern was still there all over his face.

“D-Don’t come…. Closer.” I breathed out.

I knew I should ask for Beth but there was no point. She didn’t have a clue on what to do. She’d never been around to experience one of these and so I had to rely on myself and maybe Harry.

“Okay. But I’m here for you Kim. Whatever you need or what me to do I’ll do it.” He spoke softly, like he was talking to a toddler and if I wasn’t having a panic attack, his voice and words probably would have melted my heart.

But all I could manage was a small nod as I sat there on the toilet just waiting for my panic attack to finish. I tried to think of what triggered it and all I could think about was the guilt. Were my thoughts really so bad that they made my body think it was in some sort of danger?

After another couple of minutes, my breathing started to slowly started to go back to normal and I gasped as I could finally breathe properly. Then the feeling in my hands and feet came back and the shivers slowed down to a stop. Harry must have realized I was coming right because he slowly made his way over to me.

I carefully I wrapped my arms from around myself and stood up. Then without any warning, I flung myself at Harry and wrapped my arms around his torso. Resting my head against his chest, I listened to his heartbeat as he wrapped his arms around me. As much as I hated to admit it, it felt nice having Harry’s arms around me. But that only made the guilt come crashing back.

Pulling away from him reluctantly, I looked up at him and forced a smile. Sure I knew he wouldn’t buy it. But it was worth a try right?

“Kim you can talk to me.” He spoke quietly, but the raspy sound was still there. It still sent chills up and down my spine.

Shaking my head, I gently started to push Harry out of the bathroom and towards the hotel room door. I needed time alone. I just wanted to be by myself so I didn’t have to keep pretending to be alright. Even though Harry obviously knew now that I wasn’t alright.

“Kim..” He trailed off, I could he wasn’t sure what to say.

I reached around him and opened the door, and then pushed him out of my hotel room.

“I’ll be fine Harry. Seriously. Just give me the rest of the day to myself. I’ll be as good as gold tomorrow. You’ll see.” I told him softly, forcing another smile onto my face. This one looking more genuine… Hopefully.

We stood in silence for a minute or so while Harry debated with himself whether or not to leave me. Then to my surprise he nodded, gave me a light kiss to the forehead then headed back down the corridor. Most likely going back to Niall’s room.

Shutting the door once Harry was out of sight, I slowly slid down to the ground and rested my head against the door. I couldn’t help wonder if Harry would tell Beth about what had happened but I refused to think about that too long. It wouldn’t do me any good. So I slowly rose to my feet and made my way to my bed. Hopping into it, I curled up in the blankets, not even bothering to get changed into my pajamas.

I could already tell that tomorrow was going to be a challenge for me and my emotions.

Notes