“Hazza!”

Harry was startled from his sleep instantly, the moment the toddler’s wails hit his ears. He was extremely quick to get up and rush to his room, clad only in his boxer shorts. Anne was already in Jade’s room, attempting to lift the little girl up to calm her down. Jade fought against her arms, however, crying only for one boy. It wasn’t as if she didn’t like Anne—Jade loved her. But everyone knew that in times like these, Harry was the only one who’d ever be able to get her to calm down.

“Hazza!” she cried again.

“Baby, shh—” Anne tried, attempting to lift the little girl again.

Harry hurried forward. “Mum,” he spoke quickly. “It’s okay, I’ve got her.”

Anne stepped back and Harry quickly lifted Jade up into his arms. She didn’t resist him, letting him pick her up, tears streaming down her face, broken sobs leaving her lips.

“Hazza,” she pleaded, wrapping her small arms around his neck. “Hazza, it hurts!”

“I know, baby,” he cooed in her ears, holding on to her and stroking her back. Anne was standing still, quite terrified, tears already falling down her cheeks as she watched the tow helplessly, unsure of what to do. She could never handle Jade in those situations, unable to remain calm the way Harry did, for some reason. She placed her hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs.

“Make it stop, please,” Jade sobbed into his neck. “It hurts.”Harry stroked her back, gently rocking her in his arms, signing softly in her ears in an attempt to get quite her. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“Harry, maybe we should—”

“Mum,” he cut across her. “Her meds are lying in the bottom drawer in the cabinet downstairs.
Can you get them, please?”

Anne didn’t waste a second in running downstairs to fetch the medicines.

“No!” Jade cried, frantically shaking her head. “I don’t want medicines, please—”

“Hey, hey,” Harry said softly, struggling to keep his voice steady. He offered her a small reassuring smile, pulling his head back to look at her. “If you don’t take your meds, how’re you gonna feel better, kiddo?”

“I don’t want, I don’t want!” Jade bawled. “Make it stop, please make it stop!”

“I will,” Harry promised the sobbing toddler in his arms. “I’m going to make it better, I promise.”

“Why does it hurt so much, Harry?” she asked him through her sobs, her voice shaking so hard that he couldn’t separate one word from another. It broke his heart to see her that way. Unfair, it was so unfair! His mind screamed at him. She didn’t deserve this. She was just a kid, for God’s sake.

He wished he had an answer for her, but he didn’t. He didn’t know what to say. If he could say something to make her hurt go away, he would.

“I’m going to make it okay,” he promised her again, repeating the words over and over. “It’s going to be okay, you’re going to be okay—”

Her loud cries pierced the air and she buried her head back into his neck, shaking and trembling in his arms, whimpering “make it stop” and “it hurts” among a few other things repeatedly.

“Mum!” Harry bellowed, wondering what was taking her so long. His voice was slightly harsher than he’d intended for it to be, but his panic was beginning to seep out.

Anne came hurrying inside with the medication in her trembling hands, and handed it over to Harry. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t find them—”

Harry ignored her as he attempted to calm Jade down and get her to take her medication. It would make the pain go away for a while at least, just enough to fetch the toddler some well deserved sleep. He was going to take her to the doctor the next evening, and what would follow would be another few hours of crying and shouting and Jade begging Harry not to leave her, but he’d have no other choice. He hated that place, hated visiting it with all his heart, but for Jade’s sake, he knew he had to.

It took hours before Jade’s cries were reduced to tired whimpers, as she exhausted herself, her breathing becoming even as she fell asleep, still in Harry’s arms. Her arms loosened around him slightly and he knew she was asleep. He gently lowered her onto her bed, and then tucked her under her blankets, tucking her bear beside her. He stood for several minutes, simply watching her, taking in her finally peaceful expression, cheeks and lashes still wet with tears, nose still tinged pink. He reached down to run his thumb over her forehead once, gently, thankful that she was finally sleeping. Her cries were still ringing in his ears, and he closed his eyes and shook his head to make them go away.

When he finally stepped out of the room, Anne was standing right outside, sobbing into her palm. Harry sighed and walked over to his mother, putting an arm around her shoulder. “Mum,” he said softly. “She’s okay.”

“Oh, she’s so tiny,” Anne cried softly. “Why does she have to go through all of that?” She sniffled and looked up at her son. “How do you remain so strong?”

“I have to,” Harry told her. “For Jade’s sake.”

“I’m so proud of you, Harry,” Anne smiled, wiping her tears.

Harry managed to give her a half smile. “Go to sleep, okay?” he told her, gently pulling away. “We all need it for a bit, you have an early day tomorrow.”

Anne smiled, sadly watching her son walk away to his room. She knew it was his basic nature, or at least, it had been for a while. Whenever Harry saw anyone give him the affection he deserved, he pulled away. She wished she knew why, she wished her son wasn’t such a riddle. He went through so much, she wished he’d just let her in. But she also knew better than to push him. Harry was well mature for his age, and he handled the situations thrown at him with surprising ease. He’d been that way ever since his father had left them. Maybe it was the sort of thing that matured you, and toughened you up. She hadn’t seen a single crack in his tough exterior, and she wished that one day, she’d at least catch a glimpse of the mellow, kind hearted boy underneath, the one she knew he really was, the one who just wished that things in his life would finally fall into place.
----

Harry stared at his hands, entwined and sitting atop the table, foot tapping against the floor as he leaned back, eyes half lidded, fighting sleep. He knew he shouldn’t have agreed to come here, should have stayed at home and caught on with his much needed sleep. Besides, he had to take Jade to the doctor in two hours, so now he’d have no time.

But for the majority of it, he regretted agreeing to Melissa’s proposal to meet at the coffee shop was because he didn’t want to face her. Facing Melissa required a lot of patience and energy, neither of which he possessed at that moment. He was running away—again. Hell, if it were from Melissa, he was always running away.

He heard the bells above the door jingle, but didn’t look up or turn around, keeping his eyes glued to his hand. Not until he heard a soft “Hey.”.

He looked up then, and forced a smile. “Hi,” he replied. When Melissa bent down to place kiss on his lips, he stiffened slightly, before forcing himself to remain normal. She didn’t seem to notice his behavior—or maybe she did, but she ignored it. She took a seat opposite him.
Harry stared at her. She was dressed in simple clothes, a white jumper and her favourite pair of jeans. Harry remembered that it was the jumper he’d bought for her when they’d first started dating. He remembered watching her as she ran her fingers across the wooly, warm and snuggly material, hugging it to herself and then looking up at him and kissing him and thanking him. She was wearing the same now, and it fit her perfectly, not too tight, but not too loose either. Her dark, wavy hair had been left open, slightly windblown. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, but Harry knew that had it been colder outside, her cheeks and nose would have been brighter.

She was beautiful. She was the same, beautiful girl he’d fallen for two years ago. So why didn’t he feel the same? Where was the tug at his heart that jolted through him every time he saw her? Where were the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach at the sight of her? Where was the warmth that filled him when she kissed him, or when he held her? Where had it gone? Had his love for her really died down?

And deep within, Harry knew the answer, but he’d never let is surface and he’d never say it out loud.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Melissa asked, snapping him out of his reverie.

“You’re wearing that jumper,” Harry said without thinking. “The one I got for you.”

Melissa smiled and took the hem of her sleeve between her fingers, casting the clothing item a look of pure adoration. Harry felt a pang of guilt shoot through him. Melissa’s love hadn’t died at all. He could see it now, it was so out in the open. She loved him like she did before.

Your fault. It’s all your fault.

“It’s just so comfortable,” Melissa sighed. “I love it so much.”

Harry tried to respond, tried to crack a smile, but he didn’t say, couldn’t say anything.

Melissa slipped her hand over the table and placed it over Harry’s. “Harry, there are some things we should talk about.”

Harry nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Mel raised her eyebrows. “Harry…what’s going on? What’s happening?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You know exactly what I mean,” she said. He did. “What is happening? Where are we going with this?”

Harry had a lot of things to say, all of which he didn’t know how to. So instead, he went with the most pathetic answer he could find. “I don’t know.”

Melissa sighed again, only this time, there was a hint of exasperation in the way she breathed.
“Well, what is that supposed to mean?”

“Look, Melissa,” Harry said slowly, wondering how he was going to form the words. “I know we haven’t been the same for a long time now—”

“I know,” Melissa cut across him. “That’s my point, Harry. Why haven’t we? Why did you change?”

Now that wasn’t something Harry was expecting. He knew the circumstances had changed, they certainly had, but had he changed? Of course he hadn’t. He was still the same. Granted, a few things that had happened to him over the years may have simply altered his perception towards a few things, but that surely didn’t mean that he wasn’t the same.

“I didn’t change,” Harry said, frowning. “Mel, I’m still the same.”

“No you’re not,” Melissa said. “You don’t even love me anymore.”

This. This, what Melissa had just said, was something Harry didn’t want to hear. He didn’t want to hear that particular accusation, because he had no defense for himself. He didn’t know what to say to that.

“I know you, okay?” she continued. “I can see it, Harry, I’m not blind. You’re so cold, so distant all the time. You don’t reply to my texts, you always cancel on me, you never call me back, you never want to meet up. You never kiss me or talk to me, or open up to me. Why is that? And I want the truth, okay?”

“Mel…” Harry struggled with himself, trying to think of the right things to say. Again, he was hurting her when he didn’t want to. Somehow, he always found himself at that spot. “It’s just…a lot of things have happened, okay?”

“Like what?”

“It’s just…it’s everything, like, with Jade—”

“Jade,” Melissa cut across him, and she didn’t look as calm as before anymore. “It’s always about her, isn’t it? Tell me, Harry, is she your girlfriend? Or am I?”

Harry’s eyes narrowed. Now Melissa was simply being stupid. “Melissa, she’s a kid.”

“I know that,” Melissa said, her voice harsh. “It’s just that—Harry, ever since she’s entered your life, it’s like she’s suddenly the only thing you care about—”

“Stop that,” Harry interrupted, struggling to hold back his annoyance. “Stop trying to make me feel guilty for spending time with a kid who has no one but me—”

“She has your mum, and your sister,” Melissa snapped. “And she has you too, I’m not asking you to push her out of your life or something, Harry. But it would be nice if I had you too, sometimes. Just to be with you without having to worry that you’re suddenly gonna get up and announce that you have to fucking leave without a reason.”

“I always have a reason—”

“And it’s always Jade,” Melissa said. “Or ‘some work’ you’d left back at home, or an extra shift at the dump of a diner—”

“Jesus, Mel,” Harry breathed, eyes squeezing shut and he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“What do you want me to do, then? Cut the rest of my life off, everything except you?”

“I just want you to make some time for me, Harry,” Melissa growled. “Is that so hard? To spend some time with me?”

“I’m spending time with you now,” Harry pointed out, his tone more unkind than he knew was good. “But we’re fighting, like we always are—”

“Oh, and you think I love fighting, do you?” Melissa snarled. “And for God’s sake, Harry, if you think you’re doing me favours by spending your time with me—”

“I never said that—”

“It sure sounded like you did,” she told him.

“Melissa,” Harry growled, clenching his fists, feeling his anger and frustration bubbling in the pit of his stomach, curling and licking and fighting him to be let out. “You’re being unreasonable, okay? I fail to understand what you want from me. Do you want me to cut everything off for you?”

“Can you?” Melissa asked, her tone slightly unreadable as she looked directly at him.

Harry’s eyes narrowed. “You’re kidding, right?” he asked. “Melissa—”

“See, that’s just it, isn’t it, Harry?” Melissa asked him. “You won’t even consider it—”

“Oh, and you would?” Harry shot at her, eyebrows raised.

“Don’t make this about me,” Melissa warned.

“Fuck,” Harry groaned, head falling into his hands. He pressed the heels of his palm to his forehead, eyes squeezing close. “Melissa, I just—I can’t do it anymore, okay?”

The words were out and he couldn’t stop them, couldn’t take them back. And what was more, that a part of him didn’t want to. Harry knew that this day, this moment, was just round the corner, he’d known for some time now. He just didn’t figure that he would be saying the words. He always thought he’d drive Melissa to a point where she’d tell him that she found him, and their situation too hard to deal with. But till this point, Harry hadn’t realized that maybe she wasn’t the only one who was going to have to say it someday.

“Can’t do what?” Melissa asked, sounding both curious and weary.

“Mel, look,” Harry struggled to find the right way to say what he was going to say. “It’s just…everything is so hard. Look at us, we barely even talk anymore. And the time that we do talk, either we’re making out, or we’re fighting. Is this…is this how you want it to be?”

Melissa’s eyes narrowed as she stared at him. “Are you breaking up with me?”

Harry sighed. “Maybe it’s best if we—you know, just for a while—”

“I can’t believe you!” Melissa screeched suddenly, cutting him off. “I came here to talk to you, to sort things out and you’re breaking up with me?”

“Melis—”

“Or I supposed you’ve been waiting for an opportunity to do so,” she didn’t let him finish.

“Mel, please don’t make it harder than it already is,” Harry begged, but Melissa was already getting up, reaching for her bag behind her.

“I don’t even know what I’ve done,” she said, and Harry heard the tears in her voice. “I just…God, I hate you, you know that?”

Harry sighed and got up too, and then caught Melissa’s hand. “Mel, we’re not doing it this way.”

“What way?” Melissa snarled.

“I don’t want you to hate me.” Harry told her truthfully. “It’s just…maybe we both need to figure some stuff out, it’s the best for both of us—”

“You don’t get to decide what’s best for me, Harry,” Melissa snapped at him, eyes brimming with tears. “Maybe it’s the best thing, yeah, for you.”

She wrenched her hand from his grasp and headed for the door.

“Mel, I’m sorry,” Harry said pathetically.

“Yeah, apparently, not enough,” Melissa chuckled lifelessly, and then she was gone.
---

Notes

right, so because this chapter was SO long, i wasn't able to edit it and so it was really jumbled. so i'm posting half the chapter here, and the second half is the next chapter. i hope that makes reading easier! ciao, nuggets

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