a whole lotta' cataclysm
and maybe they're right...
People around the world tend to say the phrase “life is too short, so make the most of it” or whatever. Life isn’t the one that’s short, it’s the choices and the decisions you make that makes your life end sooner than you would like. That’s why I’m always so overprotective of what the people I love do, because I know that everyday their final day comes closer and closer. I know, and especially my parents know that I should ease my immediate instinct to save and worry about others after saving and worrying about myself, because my parents fear that one day I will willingly risk my life for another’s, and that I don’t care about about my life enough to keep it. And maybe they’re right.
Always on weekends my parents will tell me to get out of my bed and go “out into the world” and “be social” but then I always remind them, mockingly, about their worry of me taking my life and that seems to end that conversation. Yeah, I know that when I say that it sounds like I’m blackmailing them into saying that if they force me to leave the house, that I will take my life, so I try to tell them as nice as possible how my future doesn’t hold much for me, but it always ends up turning into a threat of some sort.
On school days, apparently I have to go to school because it’s the law or whatever, but whatever is “the law”, that usually just means that it’s not fun. What can you do though? Yeah, people all around me can probably see and know that I’m depressed, but what can you do about that too? The only thing keeping me, me, is my parents, even though they are the only ones who I can’t stand. But, they’re also the only ones in my life who even notice me for who I am, or at least who I used to be.
There used to be someone. Two people actually, that really saw me and also kept me, me. A boy and my best friend. But after last year, I still feared loss enough to lose myself in order to keep things around me secure. I’d pretend to like people when they were interacting with me and smile whenever I was sad. What I now know is that losses aren’t cataclysmic if they help your soul and heart to learn their normal rotation of breaking and mending.
So I stay quiet. And live the way life is planned.
