When the winds are breathing low

Next few days were hectic. Apparently someone did take my picture at Harry's concert and now it's all over social media. Everyone keeps guessing is it really me, what am I doing at his show, where the hell am I hiding... That's why I thought it was a really bad idea to go there in the first place. The media kind of suspected that something happened because I disappeared from instagram, twitter and there was no longer any pictures of me in any of Gemma's, Anne's or anyone's posts and stories. I feel like such a loser now. Who lies to her only family, runs away from them, hurts them and then, as if this wasn't enough, comes back to see a show? Now they'll think that I want to hurt them even more...

I stood up from my bed and made my way to the kitchen. The apartment that I moved into is very cozy. It has two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living room and next to it is a kitchen. The main color is white but in every room there's a specific color accent. This place just felt right for me the second I walked inside so I bought it. It wasn't that expensive, I had a lot of money saved up and this place is near by my hospital. The one thing that I love the most about the apartment is that it has a giant bookshelf in the living room and there's even a secret place made where you can climb up using the ladder and read comfortably for as long as you wish.

I went to the kitchen to fix myself something to eat before I head back to the hospital. It's crazy to think that I'll be spending a few weeks in there because they'll try get as much of the metastases as possible. I'm quite nervous, they'll have to shave my head and then they'll open up my scalp. There's a major chance that I won't wake up, actually almost all of the numbers are against me. It's scary but I have to try. Right? Or should I just call it quits and try to live my life to the fullest? No, stop before you get too carried away, just forget about it. It will be fine. I hope...

After I ate I put on my headphones, picked the loudest party music and began dancing. This really hypes me up when I'm feeling down, I just swirl and jump and do all sorts of crazy dance moves around my apartment and sing as loud as I want to feeling free as a wind. While dancing I went into my room and looked through my jacket pockets and... Aha! There they are. My cigarettes. I don't usually smoke but there are days when I just need them- my mint release. I opened the door to my balcony and stepped out while lightening up a cigarette. And then I continued to dance. I was so relaxed after I finished that I packed all my needed essentials and with a light head and left my apartment to go to the hospital. It was a beautiful autumn day, trees were colorful and beautiful, the sun was even out and it was quite warm. After a few minutes of walking I went into my hospital and got checked in. I saw Angella walking towards me, no actually almost running. I've never seen her so hyper active, it was weird.

“ Hey!! Come on, tell me every little detail: how was the show, how was Harry, how do you fell now, did you talked to him, did someone saw you- well I know that they did apparently, what are you gonna do now?”- I received an endless river of questions from her. She took my bag and began walking me to my room. I took a few deep breaths before beginning to tell her everything.

“Okay, firstly- the show. It was incredible as always! He worked the crowd so well, they all were so loud and so quiet whenever he wanted them to be. It was magical to be a little part of it. Secondly- no, I didn't talk to him but I may have bumped into Jeffrey...”- as those words left my mouth I had to stop because Ange started to literally crush my hand with hers.

“ You what???”- she screamed quietly. I saw a giant smile on her face and she had to contain herself from literally starting to jump up and down.-” I can't believe it, tell me everything!!”

“ I was walking out of the show a bit early and I bumped into someone, turns out- it's him. He only saw a glimpse of my face but I heard that he recognised me because he asked someone to check if I bought a ticket. I walked out before he found me, but I met this little girl...”- we spend a good hour talking about everything while she gave me another dose of IL-2 and had to leave to do other tasks. It was funny looking at her facial expressions as they changed from happiness to shock and others. It feels good to have someone you can tell whatever you want. I already feel so much stress and anxiety daily, she takes a bit of it off and I'm grateful for it.

I was just laying in my bed and scrolling through some daily pop news and when I came across something strange. It had Harry's name and mine on it. I decided to watch the video, somehow deep inside knowing that it will not be anything good and boy was I right...

{After allegedly Otilia Lapos was spotted at her “supposedly ex-boyfriends” concert Harry Styles sang one of the most heartbreaking songs and we are left in tears.} -paparazzi said. Wait what? What the hell... What did I miss? My heart was beginning to race so fast... Well then it means he knows that it was me, right? Oh gosh, I can't take this, this is too much, I screwed up so bad this time... I had minor heart pains whenever I felt stressed out, but this time it was stronger. I continued to watch the news video.-{ He sang “All I want” by Kodaline and for everyone who heard this song before you already know how sad it is, but when you see Harry crying on the stage I can tell you- it's a new level of sadness that you haven't heard of yet. Here take a look at this...}- and then the video switched to a video clip from fan who was at the concert.

“ All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man, I'm sure..."- the song began. I was in pain when I saw his face and the way his eyes sparkled with tears. It broke me. It broke me so hard that the pain in my chest grew stronger and more powerful every second. My hand immediately clutched to my chest.

“But if you loved me, why'd you leave me?
Take my body, take my body
All I want is, and all I need is..."- This was the moment when I started to sob uncontrollably. The realization kicked me- what have I done? All this time I thought that I was saving them, saving him and spearing them all this work when I actually only hurt them...

“So you brought out the best of me
A part of me I'd never seen
You took my soul and wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screen's"- and that was the last words I heard. The pain in my chest only grew till I could no longer breath. My monitor started going crazy, beeping non-stop and nurses started to rush to my room. The pain became insufferable and I just sank into darkness.

Today is October 1th and today is the day when it all changed.

Notes

Hi, hope you'll enjoy this chapter! Finally everything will change but... how?

With love,
Otilia.