For Your Eyes Only

Waking up I was numb completely numb, I don’t remember much about last night I just remember bits but to be honest I didn’t want to remember anything. I got out of bed and finally out of this corset I didn’t want to see anyone so I got changed in to some shorts and a top putting on some trainers I grabbed my phone, keys and my mums song book. I opened my door looking around making sure no one was around thankfully the house seemed quiet. Walking down I heard voices and splashing signalling they would all be outside so I could easily sneak away without them realising. Before darting out of the door I made a quick run to the music room grabbing my old guitar, no one had seen me so I was able to sneak out of my house. Getting in my car, I drove on down to the gym that was definitely my first stop today. Half way through my session my phone was going of none stop from everyone texting and ringing trying to find out where I was. I only messaged Jade that I was fine and I will be back when I get back with that sent my phone dyed down with the questions. Harry and Niall was kept messaging though mainly saying they were sorry, pieces of last night flooded back and running wasn’t doing anything now to distract me. I decided to leave the gym at the point and go somewhere where it was ok to cry and be emotional. I went in to the shop collecting some flowers before heading on over to the cemetery (grave yard). I haven’t been here in 2 years as I pulled up it looked like no one has been here in that amount of time. I walked up to my mother’s grave brushing the leaves of I sorted the flowers out making it look very pretty for my mother. As soon as I was happy I got my phone out turning it off as I took a seat facing my mother’s head stone. My guitar was beside me along with the songbook, I knew today would be a good day to just write I needed to get the emotion out of me.
“I’ve messed up mum, massively you said one day I would find a guy who would treat me like a princess and do anything for me, and I think I found two guys who would do that. I blew it I shouted at them both, to be far though they were kissing other girls. But then I was getting with both of them so I shouldn’t have been angry right?”
Tears began to fall I so wanted her to answer me tell me everything will be ok but instead I was just faced with silence.
“I mean I was jealous I wanted the attention from at least one of them I tried my best to look great for them but instead I just ended up giving Luke a lap dance and getting pulled by every other guy. Mum I haven’t liked a guy since Ryan I haven’t allowed myself to and now I have allowed myself with two guys what should I do. They most probably hate me now and just want to move on to someone else. I wish you were here I could really do with your advice right now I miss you so much. I managed to finish the song for you I hope I did you proud, I played it on piano though so I can’t really play it but I thought maybe we… I mean I can write something today and you listen.”
I wiped away the tears and brought my guitar to my lap, amazingly it was still in tune as I tried all the notes. Strumming along it was nice and I had a soft melody going, writing the piece of music in to the songbook I carried on just playing when a few lyrics popped in to my mind. With a bit of tweaking it was exactly how I felt and fitted the music perfectly. Moving the guitar up I started to play again.
‘I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start’
Sighing I was happy with how that sounded, I could feel myself getting back to how I used to be. My mother and me used to be able to write a song in a day if we tried. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt I could do that. I had so much emotion that lyrics were just pouring out of me and with a few tweaks I knew I could get this done. I needed something done to just have a sense of relief.
“What do you think of that mum is it sounding ok?”
I moved and got a bit comfier I was getting weird looks but I didn’t care today I wanted to spend time with my mum just like we used to when she was alive. I continued to write and play and my song was coming together, tears were falling but by doing this my true feeling were spilling out. I tried to picture every memory with Niall and Harry and then try to remember just how I felt and put it in to words. This only just made me an emotional wreck, but I needed to cry it out I can’t hold my emotions in any longer I just can’t.
“Mum I’m so confused what if I have blown with them both?”
“I can reassure you that you haven’t”
I jumped out of my skin but looked up matching the voice with the face, Jade was here. She was the only person who I knew would know where I was. Jumping up I embraced her in to a tight hug letting my tears just spill out. We stood there for a while until we crashed back down where I was sat I moved the guitar back on my lap getting comfy once again.
“Jade why am I so fucked up”
“You’re not fucked up babe”
“Did you come here alone?”
“Yeah Liam only dropped me off took a lot of persuading though”
“Thanks Jade I want to ask you something and I need you to be honest”
“Ok what is it?”
“Should I bother with Niall and Harry I mean I have truly fallen for it but it is just so complicated”
“Livy listen just distance yourself maybe I really don’t know what to suggest you have fallen for them and I know they like you to”
“But you said alcohol speaks the truth and they didn’t bother with me”
“Because they were convinced you were getting with Mike and Luke”
“WHAT”
“Yeah they told me today and with that lap dance they just felt as heartbroken as you at the time. I explained it to them though and now they feel stupid as ever”
“So I just don’t know any more Jade I mean they didn’t even bother to find me or have fun I was chasing them down and I still would have to pick and I just don’t know who”
“True well don’t decide yet then, anyway what have you been working on then”
“I may of written a new song”
“In a day oh Livy just like old times”
“Yeah being here it just all exploded out of me I guess”
“Well can I hear it?”
“Urmm sure, let me know your honest opinion though it might sound shit and all over the place”
“Knowing you it is going to be spot on”
“Thanks Jade”
She positioned herself so she was facing me straight on, I got ready to play taking in a deep breath beforehand.
‘I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home
How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go...
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'til you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let our love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home
You put your arms around me and I'm home’
Finishing the song I wiped away the tears but kept my head hanging down, I didn’t want to look up just in case it was actually terrible.
“Oh my Livy that was … emotional”
I looked up and saw tears slipping from Jades eyes, for the first time today a smile broke out across my face. I moved the guitar to the side and we embraced each other in to another hug.
“Your mum will be so proud of you Livy, I am so proud of you”
“Thank you”
“You know maybe just focus on work, music and yourself for the moment”
“I think I will I truly am just lost with this whole situation”
“Well I am always here for you ok and so is Liam he is here for you more than your real brother so talk to him more open up a bit”
“I will try; Fred hasn’t even bothered calling me back or texting me”
“It’s ok were here, now we have work tomorrow so let’s get back order a takeaway and fall asleep”
“Just us two I don’t want to see anyone else”
“Yes of course just us two”
***
My night with Jade was just as good as the old days, pointless girly chatter and a nice good old takeaway. Right now though I was swamped with a load of paper work, which was good in a way, I told Jade not to let anyone in unless they had an appointment or it was Liam. I knew the boys were in the studio today and I was hoping to stay clear of them all day and so far my plan has been working. After lunch Liam popped in and to be honest he didn’t look happy what so ever.
“What’s wrong bro?”
“Oh nothing, how are you doing in here?”
“I’m fine now tell me what is wrong with you I’m not stupid you know”
“Fine, me and the lads we need one more song for our album and we are just struggling to write on or find the right sound for our album”
“Oh right, did Niall finish his song?”
“Yeah he did one of my favourites we will play it to you if you like?”
“Yeah maybe, why do you need another song can’t you just have what you got?”
“No our manager want’s another one don’t know why but we have to listen to him”
“Do you have to have it within a certain deadline or what?”
“No it’s just the longer we take the longer it will be until we can release anything”
“Oh that sucks”
“yeah but I’m sure we will get there, any way how is your music going”
“Good yeah I’m getting back in to it I think”
“That’s good Jade told me you wrote something new, am I ever going to hear these songs you are writing because they must be good to send Jade in to tears”
“Maybe Liam when I’m ready I will play them to you”
“Great maybe you can even help us on our last song”
“If I think of anything I will try to help”
“Thanks sis, anyway do you need any help or should I just leave you to it”
“You can just leave me to it I’m good thanks bro”
“No problem see you at home”
“Yeah”
I watched how he walked out and the thought in my head was what if I did help them write a new song or give them one of mine I have already written. The thought soon went when I realised if I did help I would have to see Niall and Harry and right now I couldn’t face them. I needed to stay away from them both as much as I can to clear my head. Therefore, for me right now it was back to the paper work and meetings oh the joy but at least I can keep my distance from everyone here.

Notes