Wilder Mind

Twenty Six.
Legs were tangled together. My arm draped around her waist. Her back pressed against my chest. My head nestled into her neck. This was my heaven.
I reached up and moved her hair off of her neck and kissed the base of it. She stirred next to me and flipped around to face me.
"Morning." I smiled.
"Hey." Kay said and leaned up to kiss me but I stopped her.
"Your morning breath is horrible." I laughed.
"Shut up, yours isn't any better." she said and I let her kiss me.
I ran my fingers through her hair while she drew shapes on my chest with her fingers. I was relishing in this moment but I knew it couldn't last forever. I knew one of us would have to snap us back into reality, that we would have to remember we didn't belong to one another.
"As long as we don't leave this place, our moment doesn't end." she whispered against my skin as if she was reading my mind.
"Stay in all day until we leave tomorrow then?" I asked.
"Exactly." she smiled.
We spent the entire day as we did last night. Discovering each other, cursing each other's names, warm skin against each other, living in our little secluded bubble. We weren't overthinking anything, hell, we weren't thinking at all. I never wanted to fall asleep that night because I knew when we woke up the next morning it would all be over.
Maybe it wasn't gonna hurt like hell that we would just have to forget any of this ever happened. Maybe it was out of our systems. Or maybe it was going to ruin everything between us, and I was terrified as hell that was going to happen.
The next morning we woke up the same way. Kaine's body warm next to mine. She was still breathing heavily in her sleep but I let myself linger a while longer before I got out of bed. This could be the last good moment we ever had together. Getting back to our real lives after this could cause a horrible riff in our relationship.
I packed up a few of my things before heading into the bathroom to shower off. My towel was resting low on my waist when I walked back into the bedroom.
"Hey." I said seeing her sat on the side of the bed.
"Morning." she smiled back at me then continued scrolling through her phone.
Her back was facing me so I allowed myself to let my eyes linger a little longer. Her slim figure was complemented by gracious amounts of freckles all over her back. I wanted to kiss each and every one of them.
"I'm gonna shower quick then I'll be ready to get going." she said putting her phone down.
"Okay sounds good." I said feeling her eyes traveling down my body.
There was no way either one of us was just going to forget all this.
She got up and walked toward me planting a soft kiss on my lips and my hands instinctively went to her waist. I let my hands wander up her sides over her smooth skin while I kissed her back. She pulled back and pressed a kiss to my forehead for good measure before heading into the bathroom. I sighed deeply already upset we would have to leave this all behind us.
I put on a tee shirt and comfy shorts then went outside to put the doors back on my Jeep. All of it was coming to an end. Maybe it was a good thing I was headed back to Ireland for a while this week. Maybe I could get Kaine out of my system again.
I loaded up the car with most of our things and went to lay on the couch waiting for Kaine so we could get going.
"Alright, wanna just stop and get coffee somewhere on the way?" she asked coming out of the bathroom.
"Yeah that's good. I'm not quite hungry." I nodded.
"Got everything?" she asked.
"Yeah, you?" I said checking around again.
"Yup." she said.
Neither of us wanted to be the first to walk out that door.
"Well, let's get going then kid." I shrugged and walked toward the door.
I swung it open for her nearly forcing her to make that first move. She walked toward me and placed her arm on my bicep giving it a squeeze before she kissed my cheek letting her lips linger. Before I could do anything else she passed through the door and climbed in the Jeep. I sighed and pulled the door shut and locked behind me before joining her.
"Back to reality then." I said under my breath pulling out of the driveway.
"What'd you say?" she asked.
"Nothing, don't worry about it." I shrugged her off.
"Come on." she prodded.
"Alright, I said 'back to reality then.'" I reiterated clearly for her.
"Don't let it be like that." Kaine sighed.
"Well, how else am I supposed to act. This clearly can't continue anymore." I said. "We're just gonna have to pretend like nothing happened for, well, the rest of our lives."
"Niall, come on." she said getting irritated.
"You know I'm right, about all of this." I said as evenly as I could. "We can't tell our friends because they'll kill us, you can't tell Everett because he'll have my head, we just have to forget it happened."
"I'm not gonna be able to just forget this all happened." she said.
"Then why'd ya just forget what happened on New Years then." I snapped.
She went quiet for a moment, I must have really struck a chord.
"I obviously didn't forget. I just missed spending time with you after a while, we've become so close. Best friends." she said.
"No, don't pull that with me. Best friends don't sleep with each other." I almost yelled.
"I don't want to talk about this right now." Kaine said giving me the cold shoulder.
"We'll never talk about it if we don't now." I reasoned. "You never gave me a title when you introduced me to people at this wedding, you never told any of these people I existed."
"It's because I don't know what I want Niall. I love Everett so much, he's been so wonderful to me but I can tell my family doesn't like him so much. Then you waltz into my life and you're so completely different than him and so open minded and we just instantly clicked. I don't want to break things off with Everett and I don't want to stop being friends with you." she pleaded getting frustrated.
"Friends my ass Kaine." I said annoyed. "You've been fucking with my head the second. you walked into my life."
She was silent, she knew there was truth behind what I was saying.
"I walked your drunk ass home and you nearly kissed me then, you had me fly halfway across the country t' meet your parents. Ya flirt with me at work, ya make excuses to see me, ya make moves on me when you're drunk, ya just pretend that these things don't happen between us so you can keep being with your boyfriend but when he's not here I'm just the one you go to. Ya straddle me and make out with me on New Years because you can't contain yourself, you fucking sleep with me when you know how much I like ya and how much I care for ya, and then ya have the audacity to say we're friends. You've been fucking with my mind for the past ten months now." I nearly yelled. "That's not how ya fucking treat your friend, Kay."
Kaine was looking out the passenger side window trying not to make any eye contact with me. She knew I was right, she knew she couldn't continue on like this.
We drove along not speaking for about an hour letting the radio just place filling the uncomfortable silence between us. The traffic getting back into the city was heavy and it was just making our trip longer and longer.
"I didn't want to tell ya before this weekend because I didn't want ya to be upset with me." I said piping up after a while.
"What?" she asked.
"Tomorrow's my last day at Wolfe, I got a new job." I said finally telling her.
"Niall, that's great." she said putting aside our previous conversation, genuinely happy for me.
"It's gonna be at the new Dropbox office that's opening up late July. So I'll still be in the City." I added for good measure.
"What are you gonna do until you start then?" she asked.
"Well, I'm, uh, I'm going home for a while." I said.
"What do you mean?" she asked confused.
"I'm leaving for Ireland for about two months on Wednesday." I said.
"Oh." she nearly whispered.
"I think it's gonna be good for me to go right now." I sighed.
"You're not doing this because of me, because of everything, right?" she asked.
"No, I booked this last week. I figured I'd spend some time over there otherwise I'm not gonna get back for a while. Help my Ma out." I said. "Sorry to dump so much information on ya all at once."
Our entire ride had been awfully solemn. She was unsurprisingly putting our first conversation to the back of her mind and trying to be happy for me now.
"No, it's okay. It's great, I'm glad you got a new job. And, it'll be nice to be with your family for a while." she tried to make light of it.
"Kaine, I'm sorry I didn't tell ya sooner. I didn't want ya being mad I was leaving while we were here this weekend. Wanted t'make it our last hurrah for a little while." I said.
"Well, we sure did." she said under her breath.
"So I'm headed into Wolfe to say goodbye to everyone tomorrow and clean out my desk." I said.
"You've been there how long?" she asked.
"Seven years, it's gonna really suck leaving everyone who've been there since my start." I sighed. "I did get Rhodes to hire on Van full time though, he's taking my slot."
"Oh that's gonna be great for him." she nodded.
We talked about work like this until we got to her building in the city. I tried to help her bring things in but she insisted she could do it on her own. I gave her a hug and thanked her for taking me along with her this weekend and she gave me a kiss on the cheek without thinking. I bid her goodbye and head home to collapse on my couch and process everything that happened. Good thing I was going home for a while because I knew I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about what me and Kaine really were to each other for at least as long as I was going to be gone for.
The next day I wore one of my nice suits to work and stuffed a handkerchief in my pocked just in case seeing as it was going to be an emotionally taxing day. Some of the people in that office I'd known for the entire time I'd been there and not seeing them everyday anymore was going to suck. Seven years, and I probably wouldn't see more than half of them again.
Seeing Kaine again today was going to be weird as well. There was no way I was going to be able to just see her and not want to put my hands on her waist and kiss her like I did, I was going to have to hide all that along with my emotions about leaving the company.
Breakfast sounded like a really shitty idea seeing as I felt sick to my stomach about leaving the place that gave me so many great opportunities but I knew I'd feel even worse if I didn't eat. I plugged in my coffee pot while I made myself eggs trying not to let any oil splatter on me. I forced every bite down and sipped my coffee waiting for it to be an appropriate time to leave my house.
About an hour later I was showing up at Wolfe for the last time ever as an employee there with a suitcase in hand getting inquisitive looks from just about everyone. Rhodes whistled at me from his office door and called me in before I could sit down at my cube.
"Shut the door behind you." he said as I entered.
"What's up Rhodes?" I asked closing the door and taking the seat in front of his desk.
"I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for Wolfe while you've been here." he said.
"And I wanted to thank you for every opportunity you guys have given me here." I smiled.
"You know, when I had to report off to corporate that you were leaving us they remembered you from when you went out to conduct interviews. You made a great impression on them son." he said.
"Trust me, leaving here was not an easy decision for me at all. You guys have gotten me in so many doors and let me leave my print, I'm just so thankful for absolutely everything. I'm gonna miss everyone so much." I nearly whispered the last part.
"Well, the guys out in LA said that if you're ever looking for work again you're always welcome back here." he nodded.
"Thank you Rhodes, thank you for absolutely everything." I said reaching across to shake his hand.
"You were just a gawky college kid when we first met, remember those good old days?" he laughed.
"God I didn't know what in hell I was doing. You couldn't understand me for half the interview, I'm still convinced that's the only reason I got hired." I laughed with him.
"I'm glad I've learned your accent by now, and to see you become such a success. All the best from here on out." he said placing his other hand on top of mine to reaffirm everything he just said.
"To you guys and the rest of Wolfe too." I said with a firm nod.
"Am I announcing it during our meeting today or you?" he asked.
"You better, I'll get too choked up especially if Helen is sitting right in front of me." I said. "But I'll just stand from where I'm sitting and say a couple things I guess."
"Alright son. Good luck cleaning out that desk of yours." he said.
"Thanks Rhodes." I laughed.
I left the office and head back to my cube and sat down in my chair. I started ruffling through the papers on top organizing them so Van might know what in hell they mean. I opened my bottom drawer and laughed at myself seeing my stock of tea and biscuits among a bunch of forgotten lunch receipts.
"Today is no laughing matter." Harry said sitting down at his desk.
"I know it H." I groaned tossing things in the bin.
"You're leaving here, you're leaving me for two months, it's all a bit much to handle." he said.
"Didn't realize you were so clingy." I laughed.
"Oh shut up, I'm gonna miss you." he said.
"I know it mate, I'll miss ya too." I smiled. "But you're coming out for Shane's wedding in like three weeks. Ya can't miss me too much."
"He's alright with you bringing me along?" he asked.
"Of course, my friends like you more than they like me." I laughed.
"I'm just so damn charming." he joked.
"And just so modest too." I said still rummaging through my drawers.
Van came over and sat down at the extra chair in my cube with his laptop.
"Ready to look at this lovely face instead everyday H?" he asked.
"Talk about a down grade." H teased back.
"So like, who knows?" Van asked me.
"Just you two, Rhodes, and Kaine." I said.
"Shit, that's not gonna be the best surprise to the other three." Van said motioning across the cubes.
He was right, I probably should've told Louis, Liam, and Arlo ahead of time giving them a heads up I was leaving but I didn't feel too bad about it since I was leaving them in capable hands. Plus, it was too late now, Rhodes was just calling us in for our meeting.
Rhodes went down his list showing us the newly finished projects, announcing a mandatory seminar on team bonding, and letting us know there were going to be some new hires coming in within the next few days. He then glanced over at me and I instantly felt my stomach flip.
"Lastly, some sad news today. Our dear Niall is leaving us today. He's put in years and years of great work for us but he's off to bigger and better things." Rhodes said and the entire room turned to look at me with all their different reactions.
"Couldn't be a better bunch of people then you guys here, I'm definitely doing bigger things, but sure as hell not better than working with you all." I said feeling myself getting upset.
"Niall, thank you for everything you've done here for us, I think it's safe to assume we're all going to miss you." he added.
"I'm going to miss you all quite a lot." I said my voice cracking at the end.
Our meeting disbanded and I had plenty of people who had been here longer than me come up to me and congratulate me on my new job and giving me well wishes. It was just hurting my heart that I wasn't going to be working alongside all these great people anymore.
I head back to my cube to see Liam, Louis, and Arlo sitting inside it while Harry sat at his with Van behind him.
"Why didn't you tell us you were leaving?" Liam asked.
"I wasn't really telling anyone, I had to make sure my contract was settled over at Dropbox and I didn't want to jinx myself, and it's been a crazy couple weeks finalizing all these projects that we've been working at." I said.
"Oh to hell with the work Niall we're gonna miss you causing trouble around here." Arlo said.
"I know who's Harry supposed to scheme with now?" I laughed. "Well the good news is that I have Van trained up to my standards and he's taking my spot on your team."
"Enough about work mate, let us congratulate you dear god." Louis said standing and giving me a hug.
"Thanks Lou." I said returning it.
"You're gonna be great whatever you end up doing." Liam said.
"I'm, uh, gonna be a software engineer." I shrugged. "Let's hope I'm good at it."
"Shut up, you're gonna be fantastic. Your code is flawless." Van said.
I continued cleaning out my desk for the rest of the morning and started taking things off of the walls. The next stop was the kitchen where I started going through the cabinets trying to find any of the tupperware and dishes I might have left behind. I pulled out my two mugs to wrap in paper but saw the lipstick stain on one of them reminding me it wasn't mine anymore. I poured coffee into the mug and fixed it how I knew she liked it and head up to the reception desk placing in front of Kaine.
"I guess a small part of me will always be stuck at Wolfe." I said to her.
"Glad you didn't try to sneak it with you." she said taking the mug from me.
"It was a gift to you, I couldn't dare take it back." I smiled.
"How are you doing?" she asked.
"I can't believe today's my last day." I said leaning up against the desk.
"Neither can I." she said barely audibly.
"So far I've been alright, I think it's really gonna hit me when I'm dragging that suitcase filled with shit from my desk out of this door today. And going down the elevator for the last time. No tears yet though." I said.
"Well that's good." she nodded.
Helen appeared out of the corner of my eye walking toward the reception desk. Her eyes were soft and she made a beeline toward me.
"Niall, honey, I can't believe you're leaving." she said enveloping me a hug.
"I am gonna miss you so much love." I said squeezing her back. "The first face I ever met when I walked through those doors, Helen you make it such a nice place to work."
"Good luck in every single thing you do honey." she said kissing my cheek.
"Thank you, it means the world to me." I said feeling myself get choked up, I knew this would happen with her.
"You're gonna do great things." she said pulling back and smiling at me.
I gave her one that was as convincing as I could manage even though I knew I was on the verge of tears. Helen was the most wonderful woman in all of New York City. She had been the sweetest person in the office and was always looking out for me along the way. Even though she was just a receptionist, she was the best coworker anyone could ever ask for. I kissed her hands because I wasn't confident real words would come out if I opened my mouth.
I retreated to the back of the office into the stock room with the copier. I leaned up against one of the empty walls and felt tears starting to well up. I expected I'd be upset but I really didn't think I was going to cry, especially while I was still in the building. I took my handkerchief out of my breast pocket and started wiping at my eyes. I knew I was going to look puffy and redeyed when I walked back out there but I did my best to contain it.
Shadows flickered across the ground and I knew I wasn't alone now. I looked up from the ground and tried to hide my tears but I realized it was only Kaine who followed me back here. She approached me and wrapped her arms around me obviously knowing I had been crying. She placed her hand on the back of my head and guided my head into her neck where I continued sniffling just a little bit while she stroked up and down my back.
"It's okay, you're allowed to be upset, but you're gonna have just as amazing coworkers when you start your new job." she whispered into my ear.
"It's just this was it, this was my first job, my stepping stone, now I'm starting again. This is just my comfort zone. Helen really got me good." I said.
"You're gonna be great." she said hugging me tighter.
"It's just been quite the year." I whispered against her neck.
She was silent for a moment but kept stroking my back.
"You're gonna be great." she reiterated pulling back from our embrace.
She reached up and framed my face with her hands. She gave me a soft kiss but before I even realized it was happening she pulled back and let go of me leaving the back room and heading back to her desk.
I couldn't figure out if I was in worse shape before or after she came to comfort me.
. . .
Every crack in the sidewalk my suitcase rolled over took me just that much further away from the first office I'd ever worked in. I was exhausted from saying goodbyes and just wanted to go home and lay on the couch for the entire night, but I had to pack up half of my things to bring home with me for the next two months.
Harry stopped off at his place and came to mine with takeout to help me organize a few things so I wouldn't forget everything I needed in New York.
"So Kaine's a sorority sister, huh?" Harry asked while he folded some of my clothes.
"Didn't see that one coming right?" I laughed.
"Never in a million years." he agreed.
"And her best friend is this girl Alyssa who I'd never heard of but she knew absolutely everything about me." I said.
"Why does she hide absolutely everything?" he asked.
"I don't think we'll ever fully know." I shrugged.
"Did ya behave yourself out there?" he asked.
"For the most part." I lied through my teeth. "Couldn't resist asking her to dance."
"Were you at a wedding or a year seven dance?" he said sarcastically.
I'd tell him what happened eventually but not on American soil. It would feel like I really made a mistake if I did now.
"Can ya drop me at the airport tomorrow, leave here around 6?" I asked him.
"Yeah I figured you'd ask." he nodded.
"Thank you." I said graciously.
I got a good amount of my clothes packed up in one suitcase and a bunch of miscellaneous items I'd need in another. My duffle was packed as my carry on and I had all my documents in my knapsack. All I had to do was drop my car at the storage place and I'd be set to go.
"Can you hold onto my keys and stuff too? I'll forget 'em home if I bring 'em with me." I said.
"Yes I can manage that too." he laughed.
"Well, I've got no food here, I just chucked it all besides a yogurt. What do you want to get?" I asked.
"You won't have good pizza for a few months if you don't get it now." he said.
"You're absolutely right." I laughed.
Angelo's was a couple blocks down and was one of my favorite pizza joints in the city. We ordered and got our food relatively quickly eating as if we hadn't seen food in our entire life.
"Wanna come to Cheshire to see my Mum while I'm over there?" H asked.
"I haven't seen Anne in years, of course I will." I nodded. "I'll book it tonight."
"Gem is gonna come up for a couple days too while I'm home." he said.
"I'll finally get to actually meet her." I said.
"You've never met Gemma? Are ya kidding?" he asked.
"Nope, she couldn't come in for your graduation and hasn't since, and I've never been home with you before." I shrugged.
"I could've sworn you met her." he said.
"Not me, maybe you're thinking of another Irish kid." I laughed.
H head home and I went back to my apartment to do a once over to make sure I didn't forget anything before I left. He sent me his flight information and I booked the same one to Manchester and one home. I posted up on my couch for a while watching the telly to just to pass the time. I was nearly asleep on my couch at 9 when my phone started buzzing.
"Hello?" I said groggy.
"Can you buzz me in?" Kaine asked on the other end of the line.
"Uh, yeah. See you in a second." I said cautiously.
I buzzed her into my building and in a couple minutes she was upstairs knocking on my door. I unlocked it to let her in my place still confused by what was happening. She was just standing in the doorway staring up at me with soft eyes.
"Don't go." she said and grabbed my hands.
"Kaine, it's not like something I can cancel, I'm going home." I said pulling her through the doorway and shutting it so the neighbors didn't hear everything.
"I feel like you're doing this because of what happened with us." she confessed.
"I booked it a week before, I was planning this." I explained.
"Two months without you here is going to feel so weird. It's gonna be hard not seeing you for that long." she said.
"Well, Kay, I'm not your boyfriend, I'm not the one you should be missing. I'm not yours to miss." I said knowing I'd strike a chord. "But it's not like I'm going forever, it's just a couple months, I'll be back before ya know it."
"I know, I know we have this complicated relationship and I still don't know what I really want, I just know that I don't want you to go." she said.
Kay kept my hands firmly in hers squeezing them from time to time to ensure I really understood what she meant. And I did, I didn't want to leave her for a couple months, it could be catastrophic in whatever kind of relationship we have, but I knew that I had to. For her sake, I had to go, and I had to not think about her, and I needed to not really talk to her. I pulled my hands out from hers and wrapped my arms around her pulling her into a close hug.
"I've gotta kid." I consoled her rubbing her back. "We both know I have to."
I felt her trying to nod her head against my chest. I knew that if I stuck around I was going to go crazy not being able to touch her and love her like I wanted to. I needed the separation, it was just for a short while but I just needed to go. I kissed the top of her head to console her further and she pulled back from me placing framing her hands around my face like she did earlier.
"Maybe, maybe we can just hit pause on the world for the rest of the night?" she said getting her face closer to mine.
"Kaine, we can't." I said knowing what she was implying.
"Please." she pleaded.
"Think of Everett." I said trying to make her realize what she was doing.
"I don't want to." she said and started kissing me softly.
At first I tried to resist her kiss and pull back but her hands kept me close to her. I gave in, I knew I would eventually, because once again, I didn't know if I'd ever get to do this again. I placed my hands on her hips and started working them up underneath her shirt to touch her skin. In the back of my mind thinking this could be the last time. Much like I did this weekend.
I walked her backwards toward my bedroom and kicked the door shut behind me. Getting to touch her again and pleasure her right now might just be enough to get me through a couple months of not seeing her.
It was good to escape back into our moment.
. . .
"I hope it was alright I tagged along to drop you off." Kay said on the pavement outside the terminal.
"I figured you might." I said pulling her in a hug.
"So you're really going then? This isn't some kind of sick joke?" she asked.
"I'm going, I am. I'll let ya know when I land." I said.
"I'm gonna miss you." she said for the millionth time since last night.
"I'll miss you." I said squeezing her.
She pulled away from me and grabbed my neck and kissed me, surprising me. It only lasted a few seconds but long enough that Harry saw as he took my last suitcase out of the back of his car. She smiled at me then retreated back to the car.
"The fuck was that?" he asked approaching me.
"Well H, I love ya mate." I said brushing him off.
"I love you too." he said pulling me into a hug. "I'll see ya in a few weeks. We're talking about whatever that was then." he added.
"I know, keep New York company for me." I said.
"Will do sir." he laughed and we pulled away.
"And Wolfe for that matter." I said.
"Hoping I'm not gonna have to do that much longer." he said.
"Can't blame you." I laughed.
"Alright, you better get going, and me too so I don't get a ticket." he said.
"I'll miss ya H." I said hugging him one more time.
"Bye mate, text me when you land." he said.
"I will." I nodded.
Baggage desk, customs, security, it was all mechanical now. I felt myself getting upset while I waited for my boarding group to be called taking in the last year of my life. It was going to be a long flight back home if I felt this way so immediately when I got on the plane I popped a sleeping pill and took my headphones out trying to block out the world.
Waking up in Ireland was going to be the best thing for me.

Notes