Chapter thirty-eight

The plane ride dragged and stretched on into forever in the space of time without Harry or anyone to talk to. Pathetically, I listened to One Direction the whole way home, savouring the sound of Harry’s angelic voice in my ears. In fact, I had them blasting so loud in my ears that I didn’t even hear the pilot announce the beginning of our descent, only realizing that the flight was coming to an end as the nose began to dip towards the earth. Once securely on the ground, the plane manoeuvred across the tarmac and people began to exit. Eleanor was picking me up, so at least I would get to catch up with her, literally the only upside to coming back home that I could presently think of.

I gathered my carry on and made my way through the airport. Every face I passed, I hoped it belonged to El, eager to get home and curl up in sheets that hopefully were still doused in Harry’s lovely scent.

“Sarah!” I heard someone call out. I immediately looked around, trying to determine the source. The voice was so muffled in the crowd, but sure enough it was El. “Sarah, oh love, come here,” El said, squeezing me into her tight embrace. I hugged her back, pleased to have any form of physical human contact as I slinked further and further into a depression. “How was your flight?” She asked me, reaching out for my bags, which I gladly let her take.

“Long and lonely,” I mumbled.

“Awe, sweetheart,” she cooed, nuzzling into my side as we made our way out of the terminal. “Some one misses their boyfriend.”

“You have no idea,” I said unthinkingly although she simply smiled in response.

“It’ll get easier,” she said, ignoring the stupidity of my comment.

“And yet,” I continued, “I don’t want it to. I don’t want to get used to living without him.”

She rolled her eyes, readjusting the weight of my bags on her shoulder.

“Enough of that,” she said. “Let’s get you home. You never know, maybe some takeout will do you some good. In the mood for anything in particular?”

“Nando’s,” I said, although my face looked sad and you could hear the dejection in my tone. El laughed once more as she lead me out to her car.

--

On the way home, she stopped by Nando’s, just as I’d asked, and bought so much food I was worried that a welcome-home-party was awaiting me. Thankfully, however, there was no such thing, and I was guaranteed a pleasant night in. The big house looked even bigger without Harry, the windows dull and forlorn. Only that was silly and obviously completely in my imagination. I helped El with my bags, taking the majority of them so that she could carry in the Nando’s bag. We walked up the long walkway until we reached the door. I set down my things and began rifling through my purse, swiftly pulling out my keys. I finally found the right key and slid it into the lock, hearing the familiar click that followed. I walked in, setting down my purse on the designated table, and took it all in. My only conclusion: empty. This was a big house for just me, and I absently wondered how Harry would react if I bought a cat while he was gone. A moment later I realized how impractical that was considering our schedule, but it was tempting nonetheless.

“Mind if I leave these here?” El asked me, pointing to my bags she’d brought in and placed on the floor.

“Yeah, I’ll worry about those later, right now let’s worry about that Nandos bag.” I smiled. She laughed in response.

“That’s the first upbeat thing you’ve said,” she giggled.

I shrugged.

“Nandos has that effect on people,” I said. “Especially Niall.” I mused.

El nodded with wide eyes in response.

“Do you want to shower or watch a movie?” She asked.

“Definitely movie,” I said, pointing to the couch to which she readily responded, Nando’s bag in tow. I honestly didn’t give a shit if I showered or not. I just didn’t want to be alone just yet. I walked into the living room, throwing my body down on the couch opposite the massive TV and started poking through the food in front of me. El was crouched by the TV, rifling through the DVD’s, in search of something she liked.

“I’m stuck between ‘P.S I Love You’ or ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’,” she said, holding both up for me to see.

I rolled my eyes at her.

“What are you trying to do to me, El?” I asked her rhetorically. I felt like crying now in my present state let alone after watching ‘P.S I Love You’. “Definitely ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’.”
She scrunched her nose, “Probably a good call.”

I laughed.

“Yeah, probably.”

She threw it in the DVD player and jumped on the couch next to me.

“Stop hoarding the chicken,” she said playfully.

I hugged it closer to my chest in response.

“My chicken,” I said, making a face.
She laughed, rolled her eyes, and took some anyways. She reached for a blanket that was lying across the back of the couch and wrapped us both in it, settling in for a solid girl’s night in.

--

By the time the movie was over, it was around ten thirty, and I could tell that El was slowing down, obviously tired. She was still in the routine of school. She was also in tune with UK time; I was not. By ten thirty, I was still wide-eyed and utterly awake, ready for the night to begin. I nudged El with my foot when she made no effort to put on another movie, just laying there watching the credits role.

“El, you gonna get up?”

“Mhmmm,” she mumbled.

I rolled my eyes and smiled.

“Guess I’m doing it,” I teased her. I began flicking through the pile of movies that she’d left strewn across the floor. “’Star Trek’?” I asked, holding it up.

She scrunched up her face in disapproval.

“I don’t understand why you like that movie,” she said.

I held it up a little higher in response.

“Is that a ‘no’, then?” I joked.

“Yes,” she said.

“So it’s a yes?” I continued to annoy her.

“Oh my God, stop,” she laughed, hiding her face under the blanket. “Pick something funny but romantic, like why don’t we just watch the sequel–”

She was cut off by the sound of my phone going off. I jumped up from the ground and sprung at the coffee table to retrieve my phone.

“Shhhh,” I hushed her as soon as I saw Harry’s name pop up on a FaceTime request. I accepted immediately, without giving a thought to my dishevelled appearance.

“Hi babe!” I greeted him the second I saw his beautiful face.

He laughed, “Hi beauty queen.”

I then noticed my ratty hair and exposed bra (due to the fact that I was still wearing his vest instead of my own) at the bottom of my screen.

“It’s a girl’s night in, I’m not too worried,” I smiled at him.

He gave me a wide-eyed innocent look.

“I was being completely serious, I think you’re super sexy,” he said with a cheeky wink.

“I’m in the room, Harry,” El said loudly. “Just want to let you know before this escalates!”

I laughed, as did Harry.

“Hi, El!” He called out and I put El in the frame.

She waved, “Hey!”

I then moved back into the frame, wanting to soak in Harry while I still could.

“Show starting soon?” I asked him.

“Yeah, won’t be the same without you here though.”

I rolled my eyes at that.

“Yeah, because I totally make a difference to the performance.” I laughed.

“You do for me,” Harry said seriously.

“Be ready in ten, Harry,” I heard Paul call. Harry rolled his eyes theatrically for me and I laughed.

“You better get ready,” I said, teasing him.

“You’re right, perhaps I’ll brush my teeth?” He said, reaching for his toothbrush, squeezing some toothpaste onto it and putting it in his mouth.

I laughed as he made faces as he brushed.



“You’re ridiculous,” I smiled fondly at him.

He rinsed his brush and mouth and smiled back at me.

“Is that why you love me?”

“Obviously,” I answered.

“Come on, Harry, let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” Paul bellowed again.

“You better go,” I said unwillingly. I could tell that he had about as much desire to end the call as I did: none.

“I should,” he sighed, giving me a weak smile. “This really sucks, doesn’t it?” He said after a moment and I laughed.

“It really does and it hasn’t even been a full day yet!”

“I don’t know how I’m gonna make it,” he laughed.

“It’s not for forever,” I said, maybe more to myself than him.

“Thank God! I couldn’t live like this.” He smiled. “I love you, and I’ll call you tomorrow!” He said.

“I love you, too!” I answered. He blew me a kiss and then he was gone. I placed my phone back down on the table and hauled myself back up onto the couch, curling under the blanket again. After a moment, El cleared her throat and I looked at her.

“About ‘Bridget Jones’ two…” she said expectantly.

I rolled my eyes.

“God forbid you get up and put it on yourself,” I teased her with a smile. She readjusted on the couch, throwing her arms beneath her head for support.

“I did last time, now it’s your turn,” he smiled. “Besides, I’m your guest!” She reminded me.

I laughed loudly.

“Only technically, my dear,” I said as I slid the disc into the player, replacing the previous one
back in its case, before jumping back onto the couch and snuggling in next to El.

--

It was nearly three in the morning; El was fast asleep on the couch next to me, the TV on but the screen glowing black in the darkness. In America it was around ten, and therefore I was just beginning to feel tired, although sleep did not find me. I heard every tick from the clock in the entranceway, every intake of breath from El, and the general hum of the house. There was no way I was going to fall asleep like this. I slithered gently out from underneath El, careful not to move or shake her in any way. Finally managing to be free of her without disturbance, I tucked the blanket around her, and then made my way up the stairs.

Our bedroom was just as we’d left it; the sheets, mercifully, unchanged. Placing my phone on the nightstand beside my side of the bed, I crawled under the crisp sheets and scooted over to where Harry normally was. Burying my face deep in his pillow, I breathed deeply; it was like he was there. Only, it wasn’t like that exactly, because there was no warm body to snuggle close to, no strong arms wrapping around me, and the smell, while his, was diffused and subtle, becoming more and more elusive the more I breathed it in. All of a sudden, my phone came to life, informing me of a text. I rolled over on my side, swiped the screen and opened it immediately. It read:

Show wasn’t the same without you… just as I predicted. Feels wrong to sleep in a bed that doesn’t have you in it. Can’t wait to call you tomorrow, babe. I love you so much. Really. Xoxo, H.

At least I wasn’t the only one struggling to get through the night, Harry obviously wasn’t happy with our little arrangement either. Knowing this didn’t make it any easier though; it made our separation feel pointless. Perhaps I’d feel differently in two days when, for the first time in months, I’d be entering University at an ungodly hour to study things that I’d ceased to care about in classes full of people I’d come to despise. I sincerely doubted it. However, University promised relief, no matter how temporary, from my other worries. Worries that I’d yet to burden Harry with. Lying in our bed though made me wish that I had.

Before I attempted to drift asleep and forget my present troubles, I composed a message back to Harry.

I love you more than I can say… even if I’m really shitty at showing it sometimes. Can’t wait to tell you everything. Sleep tight in the knowledge that you have all my love, S.

I could just imagine how confused he’d be upon receipt of my message, but I felt better for sending it. Despite being apart for only a single day, I was coming to realize how idiotic I’d been. How had I ever managed to feel lonely while travelling with the man I loved? Nothing screamed loneliness more than this big, empty house did. And the worst part was, I’d voluntarily chosen it.

Notes

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