Starry Eyed

*FOUR MONTHS EARLIER*
I wait. I wait patiently.Then I breathe to stop the panic from subsiding. But the thoughts come flooding regardless, like they always do.

Not enough

Not good enough

Never good enough.

Why am I like this? Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I fuck up all the good things in my life? Fuck. Stop. I was born to do this. I was meant to do this. This is my purpose. I am an actress. I am a star. I am a strong-

"Hey, are you okay?"
I jump from my train of thought and turn to look at the concerned boy next to me.

"Yeah, I'm fine just pre-audition nerves I always get them" I murmur blankly, reciting my lines in head again and again- 'I saw her, Chaz. It was her...'

Fuck I've forgotten them, I scramble through my purse for the script.

"Don't we all?" the boy smiled "This is only my fourth audition so I'm shitting myself right now too."

Normally I would be flattered to have an attractive boy trying to converse with me, but I have more pressing issues to deal with at this present time. I recall the lines in my head once again
'I saw her, Chaz. It was her, Sarah...'

Fuck I keep forgetting them, this can't be happening I learnt them so well, how could I have forgotten them already.

"So how many auditions have you done before?" I hear him pester next to me, oblivious to the anxious state I'm in.
I can feel his eyes burning into the side of my cheek as he awaits a response from me, but I stare into space hoping he would get the message.
"I guess you're not the talking type then"

I snigger "How do you figure?"

He shakes his head, "You know, talking about your feelings can help to calm your nerves, words of wisdom right there that is"
And I can't help but let a soft laugh out, "I'm sorry i didn't realise I was talking to Einstein"
"Yeah, I get that a lot, there seems to be a strong resemblance between the both of us."
"Sure, I'm gonna pretend to believe that," I smile, momentarily leaving the panicked thoughts that invade most of my conscience at this point.
"See I knew I could make you smile, it was hiding there somewhere," he says as a boyish glint sharpens his green eyes "I'm Harry by the way,"
I shake his raised hand, "My name is-"
"Grace Winters, you're up" a short woman calls from the corner of the crowded room.
"Yeah, that's me, guess it's time" I breathe precariously, rising from my chair and straightening out my dress.
"Hey, don't you worry okay, I'm sure you'll do amazing, better than me at least," he tries to comfort me as I attempt to regain a steady breathing pattern.
"Thank you, so much you've really helped," I smile politely before I walk towards the woman.

It's okay, you'll be fine, everything will be fine.
I follow the slim, curt woman down the corridor, where there is no sound at all but the cold clicking of her heels against the marble floor, and my heart obeying the rhythm of it.

Then I am in the red room, the harsh breeze hits me when I enter but nothing can aid my breathing at this point, not when I stand in front of them. They don't say anything, they converse amongst themselves, leaving me to await their greeting. Maybe they didn't hear me come in.

"Hello?" I say attempting to conceal my nerves, but they remain in their own bubble of three, discussing the previous actress who had a 'revolutionary sense of her role' and 'they really weren't gonna find anyone with as much passion than her today'.

Say it again. Louder now so they know you have confidence.

"Hello." I state, "I'm Grace Winters, I'm here auditioning for the role of Chloe." They look up at me finally, but they simply nod and scribble notes on their paper, and I am left in silence that I must fill again.
"Um, I brought a headshot with me, I was wondering-"
"That won't be necessary," the woman in green says before returning her beady eyes to her paper.
"Right, of course I just thought you might want a copy just... just in case" my voice is brimming with audible uncertainty and unease now, and they can see my anxious state, they know I'm nervous.
"Look Grace," the man in a navy suit leans against the table, and I know just then hes's about to lay into me, "What you do in this room right now will render that head shot null and void. When you exit this room you will either have made a lasting impression or blend into the sea of thousands of forgotten girls who pass through these halls every day. A photograph won't change that. So just throw yourself into this audition, don't let your nerves mess this up for you, okay?."
The man in the blue suit smiles at me, and despite his somewhat harsh words I can breathe easier now, see Grace this won't be so bad.
"Okay, you're right, God thank you for this. I just really hope you'll see something in me because I know I'd be great for this. I grew up on scary movies and I'm an actress obviously." I giggle, the hefty weight of my anxiety gradually relieving me of its presence " I just... I know, that I would be great for this role"
"Don't tell us, Grace. Show us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I saw her, Chaz. It was her... Sarah, she looked just like her only it wasn't, it was her ghost."
I breathe a sigh of relief; I remembered all the lines, I showed emotion, I played the role perfectly. I look at them with a grin spread across my face, awaiting good news.
The woman in green finally looks up, "Thank you Grace, we'll um- we'll try and keep in touch"
Fuck.
"Really? Are you sure you don't want to hear another scene from me?" I scramble I know I've fucked up, I can see it in their faces. "I can do it again, different if you didn't like what you saw."
"I think we've seen enough, we'll let you know if you are involved in the further stages of the casting. Thank you." the heartless bitch says.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Sure," I sigh exasperated again "Thank you for the opportunity."
I hold back my tears before I exit the cold room with haste, then I begin to run, through the corridor straight to the nearest bathroom, where I can relieve myself from the throbbing pain in my head.
I pull. I promised myself I would stop doing this. I pull harder at my hair, and harder, and harder until I feel bunches in my hand, until I feel release, even though I promised myself, until I lose myself in the act, until I feel like any less of a shit than I do, I need to... I need to stop.
"Fuck! FUCK! Why do I fucking do this, Why am I so shit at acting? Fuck this, fuck" I cry into my hands and hair as I lean against the door of the cubicle.
I tried so hard, I gave everything, why does no one fucking like me. This was my eighteenth audition just this month and I haven't got one fucking gig. What if I'm just a shit actress? What if I've just dedicated half my life to something I'm just shit at?

I sob for longer, and I pull on my hair until I have no energy to stand and I fall to the floor in despondence. I let the tears falls in a continuous stream now whilst I gather the strands of hair I pulled out and flush them down the toilet.

I try with all might to suppress the mounds of bile that threatens at the back of my throat, whilst I try to breathe properly again.

I hug my knees in a weak attempt to gain comfort, and I continue to cry now for what feels like hours but is most likely minutes.
Then, damp with tears that refuse to bay, I plan on how to tell my boyfriend at home that I failed once again.
Fuck my life.

Notes

Hey guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. This was meant to give context to the story about to come and set the tone of it. The next chapter will be in the present time, as this is four months earlier and the story will take off from there. I hope you continue to read this, and vote, comment and subscribe please, you won't regret it! x