Smoke & Mirrors

“Did you hear me?” Louis asked softly as Harry stood frozen in place with his back to him.

The fingers of Harry’s right hand were tightly wrapped around his old leather journal while his left hand was balled into a tight fist at his side. His heart was beating a mile a minute. Did Louis just come out to him?

“Harry?” Louis questioned.

Harry turned his head to glance back at Louis. And what he saw surprised him. It wasn’t the same apathetic look he saw on Louis’ face for the past couple of weeks. It was a look of vulnerability and what could only be described as fear.

“I’m gay, Harry. It’s… it’s taken me a long time to admit that,” Louis said, dropping his gaze down to the floor.

Harry turned slowly so he was facing Louis, and leaned his back against the closed dressing room door.

“I’ve been having a hard time…” Louis started.

“You’ve been having a hard time?” Harry snapped.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve never…” Louis trailed off.

“You should’ve never what? You should’ve never kissed me? You should’ve never messed with me? You should’ve never done a lot of things, Louis!” Harry snapped angrily.

He waited a long time for Louis to finally come to him – to talk to him about what was bothering him. And now that it was happening – only after Harry pledged to himself that he was done with Louis for good, mind you – frankly, it angered him.

“Okay, I understand you’re angry…” Louis started.

“Angry? Angry? You think what I’m feeling can be described with only one word? No. No—” Harry said, frantically leafing through his journal to find the most recently written words. When he found the page, he tore it straight out of the journal and slammed it against Louis’ chest.

“There aren’t enough words in the world to describe how I feel, Louis,” Harry seethed.

Louis gripped the torn out page in his fingertips, his eyes wide, his mouth gaping at Harry.

“Read it,” Harry insisted.

Louis’ eyes furrowed, causing a deep crease to form between his eyebrows – the marking of anguish. His fingers gripped tighter to the paper as he held it up in front of him, close enough for him to read. Harry watched as Louis read his words. He watched as Louis eyes sunk deeper and deeper into sadness.

Harry memorized the words he wrote – only because he lived them first hand.

“How is it possible to be in love with someone who hates you?

I can’t even sleep without thinking about you.

Think of all the things we could have shared.

I feel like everything is falling apart in front of me and I don’t know why.

I want to go home, but I feel like I don’t really know where that is anymore. You were always home to me.

We were best mates. Then I fell in love.... now look where I am.

If you taught me anything, it was how to fall in love then hit rock bottom.

I’ve been wanting so badly to turn back time. I wish I could go back and never give you the chance to hurt me.

Maybe I’ve misread everything completely.

Regardless, the way you’ve treated me is inexcusable and I’ve just had enough.

I am broken.

So write this down. The date, the time. Everything.

Because I want you to recall when I stopped thinking of you forever.”

“Harry…” Louis whispered, his voice cracking with emotion as he looked up from the journal page.

“I’m done,” Harry replied almost inaudibly as he looked away, preparing to turn and walk out.

“Don’t go,” Louis said breathlessly, causing the tiny hairs on the back of Harry’s neck to stand on end.

Harry froze in apprehension. His written words said all he needed to say. He didn’t know if he had anything left.

“You have every right to be angry with me. I’ve been an absolute prat. I’ve been more than a prat. I’ve been a monster. But please, Harry. Just let me try to explain a few things,” Louis pressed.

Harry looked up into Louis’ eyes, which was a terrible mistake. He felt all his walls crumbling. He was such a sucker and he hated it. When Louis was distressed, he was distressed. It was the way it always was.

“Yeah,” Harry said softly, feeling a lump form in his throat.

“First of all… Eleanor…” Louis said, letting out a sigh.

Harry’s chest tightened at the sound of her name. Eleanor – Louis’ infamous girlfriend. The poor girl that was stuck in the middle of their little affair – unbeknownst to her.

“Eleanor knows,” Louis told him. Harry took in a deep shuddered breath and almost choked on it. He forgot how to exhale for a moment.

“She knows? About us?” He asked, his eyes going wide.

“Yes, but no. I mean, yes, I’ve told her about us – you and I. She’s the only one I’ve told about us. But I meant, she knows… she knows I’m gay. She’s the only one I’ve told… and well now you,” Louis admitted.

“How long… how long have you known?” Harry asked carefully.

“Uh, I think… I think I’ve always known. But I mean, I haven’t really accepted it. I guess until now,” Louis explained.

“When did you tell Eleanor?” Harry asked.

“Uh, last year,” Louis said softly.

“Last year!?” Harry asked, wide-eyed.

“Just because I told her last year, doesn’t mean I was ready to tell the damn world, Harry,” Louis snapped.

“You could have told me, Louis,” Harry said quietly.

“I was afraid of you,” Louis said softly.

Harry’s heart constricted. Louis was afraid of him?

“Not of you, but of who I became when I was with you,” Louis revised.

“And who’s that?” Harry asked carefully, almost afraid to know the answer.

Louis took in a deep breath and let it out before for sending Harry a harrowing look.

“I uh, I’ve always had girlfriends, because that’s what I was supposed to do. It was expected. I felt like maybe I could be normal or that people might see me as normal if I did normal things. Deep down I always knew I wasn’t normal. I knew I was only masking who I was – up until I met you,” Louis began to explain, his eyes falling to the floor as he spoke.

Harry stayed silent, waiting on bated breath to hear Louis confirm things he always knew to be true.

“I can still remember everything about the first time I met you. I remember your bright eyes, your smile, your smell…” Louis said, closing his eyes tightly as if he were reliving it all in his head.

Harry’s breathing started to come in short, choppy intervals as Louis spoke of a moment in time that was immortalized in Harry’s own mind. He could feel the rapid beating of his heart beneath the unbearable tightening of his chest and he thought he might fall over it was not for the door behind him keeping him upright.

“From that moment on, you became my best mate – everything that mattered to me. I found you. I swear, living in that house with you – on X-Factor – I swear, I was living a dream. Every strategic touch, every word I said was reciprocated by you and it just… it became our thing. We were always closer than any of the other lads. It was never one without the other with us back then,” Louis continued on.

Harry could feel the emotion settling in the back of his throat. He knew he was going to cry. He knew it was inevitable.

“We were just kids. But we grew up, and grew closer. We spent more nights sleeping next to each other than we did alone. And it was all so… so platonic. But my feelings never were, Harry. They never were,” Louis confessed.

Harry hung his head as his first tear fell. He couldn’t look Louis in the eye. He was too weak, too broken.

“But in the back of my head I knew I needed to pull myself together – to be acceptable. I couldn’t… I didn’t… I thought it was wrong. I wasn’t feeling the way I knew I needed to feel, but I thought if maybe I could act the way I needed to, I would be okay,” Louis explained, his voice becoming grave as he explained how he closeted himself to be someone he thought he should be. Harry’s heart broke.

“Eleanor was more a means to an end. Don’t get me wrong, I cared about her – I care about her. But more in the way I care for my sisters – my family. The Larry rumors just started and it scared me. Eleanor was my peace – she was my shield,” Louis confessed.

“Louis, God,” Harry whimpered through his tears. He wished he could have been his protection instead of being the thing he needed protection from.

Harry remembered that time in their lives vividly. The boyfriend rumors were shooting through the fandom like a livewire. It became a main focal point in interviews. He remembered the terrible ache in his chest every time Louis adamantly denied it – not because he felt like they were true, but because every time he denied it, Harry felt Louis slipping away from him. Like he was retreating into himself instead of talking through it with Harry – his best mate.

Eleanor hit him like a brick. One day he had Louis all to himself and the next their friendship was put on the back burner indefinitely. He got on with El, but there was always a bit of animosity he could never shake.

“I kept her around to keep me in line. I know it’s a miserable excuse. I know it was a shite thing to do, but that never stopped me from doing it. The shame of… of coming out or even acting upon my feelings or urges made my skin crawl,” Louis admitted, still somehow keeping his composure through his entire confession.

Harry on the other hand couldn’t stop the tears. He rubbed at his eyes frantically, trying to dry them, but it was of no use. He was an emotional wreck for far too long. He had no hope of holding it together now.

“But then I finally kissed you, and I’d never take it back for even a second because it made me feel whole. You made me feel like more of a man than any bird on my arm ever could,” Louis told him.

A hoarse whimper escaped out of Harry as Louis spoke of the two of them. It was everything he ever wanted to hear. It was justification for all the feelings he felt for Louis.

“And so night after night I found myself drinking so I’d have an excuse to kiss you. Sometimes I wouldn’t even be drunk. I’d just pretend. Because I liked it so much. Because it became the only thing I was living for. I needed it like the air I breathed. I felt free. But I wasn’t, Harry. Because I knew it was wrong… I’m so confused. I’m sorry,” Louis said, his voice wavering, the emotion finally lacing his words.

“It’s not wrong,” Harry said.

“I-I know. I know. I just… I grew up thinking it was. I know it’s not. I just… it’s hard for me,” Louis explained.

“There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, Louis. Why would it ever be wrong to love someone?” Harry asked through his tears.

“I do love you,” Louis blurted out, looking like his eyes were opened for the first time.

Harry took a series of shallow breaths as his face contorted into an array of different emotions all at once. He felt like his heart might burst.

“I love you,” he choked out.

“I fell in love with you a long time ago. I think I fell in love with that sixteen-year-old boy I met in the loo – a smile so wide that all I saw was teeth and dimples,” Louis said, smiling fondly at Harry.

Harry let out a laugh through his tears.

“There’s so much I need to apologize for. I don’t even know where to start,” Louis said, hanging his head.

“Just say it. Just say the words and I’ll forgive you,” Harry said hopefully. Louis looked up at him with wide searching eyes.

“Just say it and tell me it’ll never happen again,” Harry said.

“Harry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’ll never happen again,” Louis said, tears brimming in his eyes.

It was enough for Harry. A split second later, he was pulling Louis to him, their lips crashing painfully together. And in that moment he knew he never truly let go of the idea of Louis being his forever. He was certain Louis was and always would be his past, present and future.

Notes