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A Rock Star Christmas Carol

Chapter 10: Love to Lose

Harry and Louis travelled from the coffee shop, leaving his pre-fame days behind them into a part of his life that he had for years erased. Now it was back again and it was souring Louis’s mood even further – if that were even possible.

When they transported to a large ballroom, the older singer knew exactly where he was. It was a few years later, he had just turned eighteen and for appearances, Simon and Walsh hooked him up with a gig to host and support the local children’s hospital. The very one Simon had donated money to.

It was a dance and he wore a white buttoned down suite with gold tasseled shoulder pads, the coat in the front buttoned down with the same colored buttons and his pants were held secure by a black belt and dress shoes that completed the ensemble.

“Liam? How long do I need to be here?” Louis asked lowly to make sure he went unheard by the others around him.

Liam smiled the same as he always did at his boss, but his eyes shone with life. He had just met his first girlfriend and he could not be any more in love as he was in that moment.

Louis went to his slightly older self, Harry following next to him as he had throughout the entire journey.

“Eleanor.” Louis muttered, though his hard-blue eyes reflected sadness and his heart could feel the familiar ache that beat within his chest.

Harry nodded.

“Simon signed you on for a four-album deal. You spent two years recording two albums and doing four part tours. You barely had a moment to breath.” Harry said, seeing the flashes of Louis’s hard work flash before him in severed memories, the loss of his youth going by as his whole life up till then displayed itself in Harry’s mind.

The shame of it was, he remembered every single soul he came across. He knew their life, their death, their weaknesses and their regrets. He relished in the bliss of their happy memories and spared a thought of reflection in their sorrow. He was the ghost of the past and seeing Louis’s long ago dreams – what they might have been, displayed only great sadness through the next couple of years and misery up until the present.

“You were always a free spirit. You had dreams – maybe fame really never mattered? Perhaps you just wanted to be happy, feel happy and find a purpose? We all search for that in life, you don’t seem to be any different.” Harry continued when Louis didn’t answer. His eyes were busy spanning the large ballroom for the one girl who he knew was the turning point to derailing his otherwise carefree life.

“A few hours. Dance with a few patients, offer a comforting smile and ask them a few questions about themselves. You wouldn’t believe the difference you’ll make. Remember what Simon said about image.” Liam pointed out with a light hum before turning and walking to the far end of the wall to offer a dance with a lone girl.

Younger Louis groaned with a stomp of his foot.

“Fine.” He relented and turned abruptly, bumping and knocking the person that had been crossing at the same time he turned to the ground with a surprised exclamation.

“She found you, mate.” Harry smiled, pointing to his younger self and the young woman with the most striking face and kind eyes he had ever seen.

“I am so terribly sorry, miss!” Younger Louis exclaimed, bending down the same time she sat up, their heads bumping together with a dull thwack.

Both of them let out groans of pain, their hands simultaneously going to their foreheads.

“I needed to come with a warning label and she needed to wear a hardhat with as many times as she fell.” Louis said, his voice tightly restricted in his throat.

“I am so sorry, miss.” Louis said again, rubbing his head again and standing to help the pretty girl he had just ran over with his petite frame.

The girl laughed tiredly and allowed him to guide her from the carpet to her feet once more.

“I’m Louis, by the way.” He introduced himself with a big smile, the soft hum of Christmas music flowing from the live orchestra that had been hired for the event and the smooth voice that accompanied the music.

“I’m Eleanor. It’s a pleasure, Louis. If you’ll excuse me though, I’m needed elsewhere.” Eleanor excused herself, but paused when her eyes met Louis’s ocean ones.

That’s when the spark ignited and her tense muscles seemed to relax.

Younger Louis still had that stupid smile on his face as they stood there, stuck in a time of endless seconds that were almost like a perfect dream.

A girl in a pure white gown and a charming rock star dressed as a price. It was a picturesque you could only capture in a flawless painting.

“Are you sure? Because I was just about to ask you for a dance or two – if it pleases you so that is?” Louis asked, still keeping his hand firmly over hers.

“You lust struck git.” Older Louis muttered, watching Eleanor nod with a slight beam of her own lips and allowed the rock star to guide her to the middle of the dancefloor.

Using his hand to guide her in front of him, he allowed for her arms to place themselves around his neck and maneuvered his hands so one rested on her upper back and the other over her lower.

“You have queries, I can see them reflecting in your eyes.” Harry observed, the crushing feeling returning to his dead chest.

“I want to know why she lied to me.” Louis growled, following the two new lovers, because he remembered the conversation between them quite well at this point. The memories were repeating themselves as fast as they were playing out in front of him.

Harry rushed after him, lifting his hand up to ghost Louis, but he found that it didn’t work this time, Louis was far too focused and the emotions running through his own dead soul were interrupting his power.

“Louis, calm down.” Harry advised, seeing the older man stand in front of the couple and scream.

“WHY DID YOU LIE?! YOU LIED AND THEN YOU LEFT! YOU ARE ALL THE SAME! YOU LIE AND THEN YOU LEAVE! I COULD HAVE HELPED!”

Harry flinched.

He definitely wished Zayn was with them at this point.

“Louis – “Harry started, taking a step back when Louis turned toward the ghost with an intensity that was fueled by something that was so bitter, Harry could actually taste it in his mouth.

“Take me the f*ck home, NOW!” Louis roared, his growl so fierce that if Harry wasn’t already dead, he might have actually been afraid that the bloke would kill him if he didn’t listen.

Harry shook his head.

“No. I told you I had two more things to show you and this was one of them. It’s about damn time something got through to you. You can’t hide from the past, you can try but it always catches up with you somehow,” Harry took a stand, taking a step and grabbing Louis’s arm before he could storm off. “You dated her for a year, Lou and she didn’t lie. She was just never one to weigh others down to her problems.”

“She broke it off, didn’t give me the reason, just an excuse and then the next day I’m being called and investigated because she was reported missing! WHY?!” Louis demanded, taking his other hand and gripping Harry’s wrist in a bone breaking hold.

He was desperate for those answers, because he never got them, even when her body was discovered in the city river a week later.

“She was terminal, Louis. You knew that.” Harry replied softly, using his own to grip Louis’s shoulder.

“After the bloody fact! If she just told me...” Louis trailed off, his grip loosening on the ghost.

“She would have made it a few weeks if she was lucky, Louis. The night on the beach, she ended it to save you the pain. It’s obvious that it was handled poorly, but you got over her a half year later, yeah? What was her name? Jessie? You slept with her and got her pregnant. Congrats on thinking with your head and not your prick by the way, mate.” Harry spat.

Louis stepped back as if he had been slapped.

“I NEVER got over El. I want to know if she suffered or was Niall kind enough to grant her mercy? Was it quick?” Louis seemed desperate for an answer to that question, because he always wondered if her final moments were peaceful or agonizing, as morbid as it was to think about.

“She climbed to the highest bridge in London and jumped. When she hit the water, the force and the way she hit –“

Louis pushed Harry from him.

“DID SHE?!”

Harry wanted to be done as much as Louis did, because the overwhelming feeling of helplessness was making him sick and though it was only phantom sickness, it was getting to be too much.

“No. It was a quick second of flight and the way she came down, the force collapsed her lungs and rib cage. She was unconscious the moment of impact because of the ice that froze over the water below,” Harry replied truthfully, scratching his head unsure.

“Like jumping from the Empire State Building in New York. I met a jumper from there one time. He told me the sudden stop was the free falling and the ground coming up on you and then…nothing. I can’t say the same for the poor bloke he fell atop of, he felt everything for a few moments – Niall wasn’t quick enough to scythe him because it was just him and he wasn’t quick enough, but he was there for El, he got her soul out before she hit the water, also another reason she didn’t feel anything.”

Louis rubbed his fingers over his face.

“Brilliant. I get a ghost that directly and indirectly answers my questions and leaves me with bloody more.” Louis calmed slightly, though the feelings didn’t get any less tense for Harry.

“You’ll know when you die. I can’t explain it.” Harry dismissed, figuring he’d have to just get Niall to show Louis first hand.

“Comforting!” Louis yelled, grudgingly turning to his younger self.

He noticed the younger him never lost his charm or smile throughout the dance.

“You stupid soft bloody numptie.” Louis muttered, kicking himself.

Harry remembered a quote he read in a book once. It was written two hundred years after his death, but it still left an impact and one line he could recite in his sleep…if he slept.

“’I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most’ ‘Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.’ A quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson. The man was a Victorian poet and I think he was onto something. You can’t regret meeting Eleanor, because she is what shaped you. It was short, but it was enough for you to feel alive, to feel love and you deserved that, Lou. You still do, but you have to let love in to receive it.”

Louis turned his back on Harry; ignoring him again.

“So, tell me, what is a beautiful girl like yourself doing at a Christmas Eve dance for sick people?” Louis asked smoothly, trying to be cool, but the girl’s eyes flickered and the mirth that was there began to fade.

“Smooth move exlax.” Older Louis snarked to himself, wondering how he was ever that stupid.

Younger Louis saw and backtracked.

“What I mean is, you’re beautiful. I didn’t mean to say you were better than the sick people here – I mean they’re ghastly looking and you’re pretty, I mean they’re not okay and you were – I – um…” Louis chuckled nervously. “Can I redo that? Okay, simpler question; where are you from?” He tried again with something that was less insulting, though he couldn’t see how the question was inappropriate to begin with or why she frowned so heavily.

“Here in London, I’m local – though judging by that Yorkshire accent you speak with, you clearly are not.” She chuckled, their bodies beginning to move with the heavenly voice that sang with the orchestra.

“I am not fair lady, you are correct. I was born and bred in Doncaster.” He stated proudly.

“That explains so much. You certainly are blunt.” Eleanor tsked, though her eyes were sparkling again and for Louis, that’s all that mattered in that moment.

“This was the first time you looked at someone and felt something incredibly new. It was almost as freeing as singing, wasn’t it?” Harry tried, standing beside the music exec.

“If I would have known I was going to lose her a year later, I wouldn’t have bothered.” Louis spat bitterly, eyeing the ghost with hatred. “Piss off, asshat. You’re a bloody cruel one, crueler than the corporate suites I work with in the office.”

Harry of course paid no heed to Louis’s threat and stood there for a moment to watch the young couple, pursing his lips slightly and shrugging.

“You can’t always save your heart from breaking, but you can’t keep it locked away either. El was there to introduce your heart to what could have been and still can be if you put in the effort to change. Her purpose on this earth was accomplished and so she went back. You can hardly fault nature for being what it is destined to be.” Harry said, his wisdom wise beyond his years – even if he had nearly four hundred years to perfect it.

Older Louis watched the red, blue and light green spotlight above the room sparkle down and cast them in a hue of cheery auras.

“I suppose that’s just humanity? Live, breathe and die, cheerful. Merry bloody Christmas, mate. I’m done. Take me out of here, yeah? Because if you don’t I will – “Louis started to threaten, his words halting in his throat when El’s legs gave out when she ended up stepping wrong, his younger self moving quickly to tighten his hold on the girl with a laugh.

“Your mother did not name you Grace for a reason.” Younger Louis teased, the pair’s eyes meeting again.

Louis noticed the way his younger self held the girl to him, her body dipped slightly and his blue eyes lit with pure joy with the lights circling around the room, the music fading and the rush of blood hitting his face when he realized they were paused in this position.

Eleanor didn’t seem to mind though and only laughed with him.

“Well, you didn’t let me fall.” Eleanor smiled, her body slowly being lifting upward again.

“Gentlemen do not let beautiful girls collapse. I’ll catch you every time…well, that I’m around that is. I can’t fly back to London every time you trip as I do not have Superman’s powers, but as long as I’m around, you’ll never fall.” Louis’s younger self beamed, taking her hand and letting the other rest on her shoulder.

She did the same, stars in her own tired eyes, but her energy seemed recharged and he let her hand rest on his back and the other on his shoulder.

“Then, I am in debt to you, Louis. Shall we?” She gestured with her hand.

Younger Louis obliged and the couple were again dancing slow to the music surrounding them, the bliss of young blossoming love shadowing in their eyes like the stars that shone in the jet-black night sky.

Older Louis could feel that loss and wrapped his arms across his chest defensively, minus the hostility.

Harry could feel the anger dissipate back to a dull ache, his memories filled with fond memories of the couple and when Harry saw the beach move across his own visual, he knew that it was time to move onward if they hoped to get to the last thing Harry needed to show him and he wasn’t sure at this point if it wouldn’t break the man entirely.

“We only have two more things to see.” Harry told Louis, holding his arm out for Louis to take so they could transport, but Louis just stood there and watched the memories of that Christmas Eve night play out in his head like a too loudly playing base.

He stood frozen to his spot and so Harry reached out to take his shoulder, but he swung around and pushed the ghost away.

“I will break your forking hand and then snap your neck. It might not bloody kill ya considering, but I’ll make sure your dead ancestors feel it.” Louis growled, his blue eyes aflame with barely extinguishable agitation.

Harry knew his threats were empty and since time was crunching closer to a close, he grabbed Louis’s arm and hurriedly transported to the beach – a year later, on the same night they had met and the last time they would again.

Older Louis growled and swung out at Harry, the ghost quick enough to jump back and go transparent so Louis’s fist went through him.

“Hurting me is not going to change our course.” Harry told him blatantly, seeing the year older couple walking along the beach, their breath falling out in the icy air, the snow falling around them quietly, which in turn hardened the sand below their feet in snowy frost, but it was still a breathtaking sight. Especially at the sight of two apparently young loves trekking down along the coastline waters.

“That’s the infuriating thing! I CAN’T HURT YOU! Oh, how I wish I could. You have little business to concern yourself in my bloody past! You won’t forking leave it alone!” Louis exploded, finally having enough.

Harry regarded Louis calmly, his express undistinguishable for once. He looked neither happy nor upset. He just looked lost, which was probably close to how Louis felt at the moment.

“I was not sent here on my own accord. I was sent by a power higher than my own. If you want to take it up with them, fill out a comment card and I’ll give it to them with your list of concerns. If not, don’t scream at the messenger, mate. As for your past? You know what I wish? I wish I could feel happiness in my own memories instead of others and that someone had been around to show me my regrets, because if I had the chance to go back and redo things differently, I’d take it in a heartbeat, but I can’t. My time is long past, yours is not too late so I suggest opening your eyes a little more to what’s around you. We can’t do anything with what’s behind, but you can change the future. You just got to learn from prior experiences. That’s my job tonight and I’m doing it to the best of my ability.”

Louis pushed Harry from him harshly and ran after his younger self.

Harry decided he would let Louis go this one alone for a few minutes, because the ghost could sense the bloke would hold true to his word of trying to cause him harm if he didn’t let Louis some time to cool off.

Louis could almost feel the snow below him, but it was as Harry said, a simple long away memory. He wasn’t cold and it allowed him to jog after himself within seconds, walking beside the couple who were strangely silent.

“Is something wrong, El?” Louis asked his girlfriend after a few minutes of silence.

It wasn’t uncommon for them to let their actions speak more than their words, but even Louis couldn’t ignore the troubled look his girlfriend wore and how tired she appeared – more so than normal.

For a few seconds, their footsteps were in tune with the Winter cold waves that crashed forward with force and lulled back with gentle ease around them and in a sense, it brought a comfort of the here and now. Louis remembered the calming effect it always had on him to be by the water, especially in times of great stress.

“Nothing really, luv. Just caught up in my own thoughts today, I suppose.” She smiled wearily, her face a pale glow that reflected off the sunset, lighting her aura in a soft hum of life that drove Louis absolutely crazy.

“You just seem sad today, you’re usually more talkative.” Louis pressed, stopping them and coming to stand in front of Eleanor.

Eleanor just shrugged and looked down to the ground.

“I don’t know, Lou. I was thinking of taking a break, you know? The paparazzo, you being away – the traveling and that. I just think we should take a break or like – just…end things, but at least end them on a good note?” Eleanor almost pleaded, but it came out as more of a question.

Young Louis stood there in shock, his hand tightening against hers.

“If you want to spend more time together, I can take you with me. We can spend a Holliday together, somewhere bright and sunny, rekindle things, work out issues, but don’t – don’t do this to me, El. Please? I’m willing to work this out, I’m willing to try.” Louis pleaded, his older self-wanting so desperately to express the words his wisdom had to offer the love-struck lad.

“Oh mate, if you knew the bullocks you had to deal with – you wouldn’t have bothered. Take it from me.” Louis expressed his own grief.

“It’s too late for that, Lou. It’s all way too late. I can’t leave London and I just…I just think we need to end it. It’ll be better for the both of us.” Eleanor insisted, taking her hold from Louis’s, sadness reflecting in the dying light of what was left of the day, which was another hour if they were lucky.

“You can’t mean that, El. I know you don’t want that. No one wants that, we were fine a few months ago, what did I do? What can I do to fix it? I told you I would never let you fall and I’ve kept that promise, I thought I did at least?” Louis began to panic, tears literally about to trail down his face from the harsh blow he felt and decided a physical one would have been less painful.

Eleanor seemed conflicted, but her next words cut Louis deeper than any knife could.

“I mean ever word and I may not want it to be so, but it is and you can’t do anything to change it! God, I wish you could, Louis. More than anything I wish you could, but it’s beyond my control, your control and God doesn’t seem to be listening, so we’re all bloody being punished in a sense. I never wanted…I never meant to fall for you. I did and now this is going to end up being my fault, isn’t it?” Her voice cracked and she could no longer concentrate on making any sense. She was hurting and her depleted energy was zapped from her for the effort.

Louis’s arms caught her when her body fell against his and wrapped their arms around his neck tightly, a fear-pained sob leaving the deeps of her throat.

A sharp pain shot through Louis’s chest and the complete helplessness he felt in that moment had been indescribable.

“She wanted to tell you if it is any consolation.” Harry appeared beside him, entering in ever so carefully, especially with what was happening.

“Piss off!” Louis hissed, keeping his eyes glued to the scene of the two heartbroken teenagers.

“She was afraid how you would have reacted. You called those patients in there sickly and unattractive, she stayed in London for treatments while you were off traveling for weeks or a month at a time. She kept her diagnosis hidden from most people, you included. The only ones who knew were Walsh and Simon, but she asked them not to breathe a word. She did it because she thought she was protecting you. It was no more your fault than it was hers, Lou. Please believe that.” Harry rushed to explain, transparenting again when Louis took another swing at him.

“SOD OFF!” Louis screamed at the ghost, his eyes reflecting the same emotions as his younger self.

They were confused, mad and hurt. He had always wondered what he could have done different and it stng to know Walsh and Simon had failed to tell him about El’s predicament. He could have gotten her more advanced treatments if he had known.

“No, you couldn’t of. Her diagnosis was terminal two years before you met her. They gave her three years, mate.” Harry heard Louis’s sparse thoughts amongst the anger of him being around.

“What part of bog off don’t you understand? Do I need to say it in Spanish for you to understand?” Louis snapped, his attention going to the ghost.

“She used her time the best she could, she would want you to do the same, that’s all she ever wanted. Eleanor liked seeing you smile and it gave her hope as well, no matter how little.” Harry ignored him and went on.

Louis’s heart seemed to break when she pushed away from him, stumbling in the cold slush, Louis’s jacket wrapped around her thin shoulders that he had given her to wear over her own to make sure she continued to be warm.

Young Louis just stood there in shock, making no attempt to stop her.

“I’m sorry, Lou. I should have…I…I didn’t mean for it to end like this. I thought maybe I could be the odds, but I can’t. I’m so sorry.” Eleanor said and shrugged Louis’s coat off, handing it to him. “You deserve to be with someone that won’t leave you and I don’t want to, but I don’t have a choice. I’m sorry, Louis. I am so sorry.” Eleanor sobbed, turning to walk away.

Louis rushed forward to stop her from stumbling, but it was her that pushed him back onto the ground.

“No! Don’t you understand?! You can’t stop me from tumbling every bloody time I fall! I’m going to eventually collapse and when that time comes, you nor anyone else will be able to stop it! Just LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY, WE’RE OVER! WE’RE DONE!” Eleanor cried, hurrying to turn and walk away from her flame, the agonizing pain in her heart zapping the life from her already dying body.

Younger Louis just stood there and watched her stumble away in shock, the silent cries leaving with his tears.

“I was going to go after her. I was going to comfort her and I didn’t. I let her go, because I figured I could just call her later and we could talk it out and I did try, but her phone was turned off,” Louis recalled helplessly, turning to Harry. “Why did she end her life? Just answer me that.”

Harry looked out as the girl got further away, a soft sigh leaving his dead lips.

“Because she wanted to be left with her dignity, not helpless in a bed. Death is not always a pleasant end and she wanted to end things on her terms, not on her sickness. She was a strong lass, Louis and you were truly blessed to have known her.” Harry responded, holding out his arm.

Louis knew what that meant and he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to face the last thing that took away the life he had tried so hard to rebuild again and again and again.

“No. You’re the ghost of the past, right? Can you stop a moment? Just for a few seconds, if this is like a film – it can be paused.” Louis reasoned desperately, going after Eleanor while the setting sun grew dimmer in the horizon.

Harry watched him run after her and jog backward once he had caught up.

“Please!” Louis begged, just wishing he could pause the last memory and take in his old love one last time.

Harry let out a small sigh and waved his hand in the air.

Just like that, the scene froze.

Louis stopped and felt the wetness cascade down his cheeks like a small stream, taking in every aspect of her youthful face.

He reached out, wishing he could remember the touch of her cheek or the feel of her hand running through his hair when he was stressed or upset.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more and I’m sorry I failed to understand.” He apologized, bringing his fingers to where her cheek was and held it there, closing his eyes.

It was then he could almost imagine what it felt like to touch her again, but it was short lived.

“You could only do what you were capable of doing. You gave her something special and she gave you something. It’s not about failing.” Harry said, watching the older man just continue to stand there and take in the memory of his old girlfriend.

“You never truly forgot about her, Louis. She is a part of you and always will be.”

Louis opened his eyes and glanced one more time at the frozen look of desperate helplessness of Eleanor’s face, dropping his hand back down to his side.

“We need to go.” Harry said, touching his shoulder.

Louis jumped away.

“No bloody way. You’re about to show me my son and what happened. I don’t need to see that. Take me home. Please?” He begged the ghost, his heart feeling like it was about to stop beating at any second.

Harry sensed his upcoming panic and sighed, grabbing his wrist and hurrying through to a few years later.

Louis was twenty-two at the time and his son Alexander had just turned two. He remembered this day like it was yesterday.

“You met Jessie six months after Eleanor’s passing. Your brain took a vacation from your head, because you were shagging anything with a hole and tow legs. Low and behold, you met Jessie – though not before realizing she was a complete psychopath.” Harry innated.

“Yeah, psychopath double dipped in chocolate covered crazy with an extra scoop of manic on the side.” Louis summed up hatefully.

He still blamed Jessie even still after all these years – which was logical considering she did murder their son.

“You had been battling for sole custody, but because of the nature of your job, the judge thought that awarding Alexander to Jessie was more beneficial to the child and you had joint custody rights to visits whenever you wanted.” Harry continued on.

“SHE MURDERED MY SON!” Louis exploded, going to walk away, though Harry was able to ghost him before he could. “LET ME GO!”

“Not until you’ve calmed down.” Harry told him, glad that ghosting him actually worked this time.

“She murdered him and then took her own life because heaven fricken forbid she actually stay around and take responsibility for something! When I picked him up from her house, nothing was amiss. He was fine, but then I noticed he started getting sick throughout the few hours I had him. He was lethargic and throwing up, so I took him to the children’s hospital straight away. That stupid bloody git of a nurse demanded I fill out paperwork while they looked him over, I finish and am waiting for three hours and then she comes out and has the nerve to accuse me of poisoning my own flesh and blood!” Louis ranted, pulling his body desperately to the side to move, but Harry was not unghosting him until he was calm again, because the moment he did he knew Louis would bolt.

“Ethylene glycol was the poison that showed up on toxicology.” Harry said, seeing it in his vision.

“Antifreeze,” Louis spat, simplifying it and stilled, glaring hatefully at Harry. “The bitch put it in his juice. You know the worst part? I never got to say goodbye to him either. I was arrested! WITHOUT PROOF! Then when I was released nearly eight hours later I went back, only for them to tell me my son died. I was then informed by police when I walked into a crime scene at Jessie’s house that I found out that she had also died,” Louis smirked in a sarcastically sadistic way, continuing with his breath coming out heavier.

“Hers was a bit more permanent, but hey, according to her; if you aren’t sure you’re going to get it right the first time, make sure you do it in a way that won’t fail. Her report indicated that she had drank not only half a bottle of antifreeze to make sure the job got done; she also swallowed a full bottle of sleeping pills and half a bottle of tricyclic, an antidepressant medication she had been on.”

Harry saw the images flash over of the woman Louis was talking about. She was beautiful. Slim, with a gothic style pale complexion, dark eyes and raven hair.

“She was exotic.” Harry said, the world around them growing dark, the focus of the children’s hospital and the lights that lit up the outside decorations of the cheerful looking building with the few scattered benches around the grounds so visitors could sit outside for some fresh air if they needed.

“She was a psychotic cu – “Louis started, only for Harry to shush him harshly.

“Maybe so, but her problems are over, Alexander is at peace and you…” Harry trailed off, seeming to feel a bit of sympathy for the man.

“Mine is bloody excellent, mate. Thanks for your concern. NOW LET ME THE FORK GO!” Louis yelled, tugging his body again.

Harry lifted his hand and waved it, releasing Louis from his spot.

Louis had to catch himself from falling, but he knew where he was, it was after he had gone back to the hospital the third time, lost and alone did he find he was not truly so.

“This was the worst Christmas ever. Worse than when I found out my father died or when Eleanor left me. There is no feeling like losing a child. There is no greater loss.” Louis said, feeling his eyes grow puffy.

“There is.” Harry disagreed simply, gesturing for him to follow.

“Yeah? What’s that? Nothing matters when everything feels stacked against you.”

Harry stopped and pointed to the far end of the grounds.

“The greatest loss of all, is forgetting what pain is. You know what it feels like, but you can’t feel it. You know what it is, but can’t express it. To feel emotion is to be human, Louis and when you lose that, you lost everything.” Harry murmured, seeing a lone figure hunched over herself, sobs of anguish echoing around the courtyard.

The newly turned twenty-two-year-old Louis heard it from the door he had just stepped out of to have a cigarette. His solemn curiosity carried him toward the sound.

“You remember this.” Harry smiled warmly, recalling the coffee shop worker from earlier.

Louis nodded and walked over the same time his younger self did.

He watched the young man sit by the crying woman, extending his own painful introduction.

“Hi, I’m Louis.” He murmured sadly, his hand cautiously reaching over to settle on her shoulder.

He didn’t expect the woman to fling herself at him, a complete stranger and cry into his shoulder. If anything, he expected to be slapped for touching her, even if it was meant as a gesture of comfort.

It took a moment for him to realize that she had scars and bruises littering her bare arms and legs. She was only outside in a sleeveless short dress.

Louis shrugged off his long brown coat and fit it over her cold skin, it was supposed to snow soon – one of England’s snow falls in a decade.

“I’m sorry, luv. Whatever it is, I’m so very sorry.” Louis cooed softly in her ear as a means of comfort, but in the end, he simply let his tired actions speak for him by wrapping his arms around the woman and returning the much-needed hug.

Harry patted Louis’s shoulder.

“You don’t know this, but you saved Zayla that night.”

Louis didn’t respond, he kept staring at how far Zayla Gretchen had come, how she overcame her loss and how he was, deep down at least, proud she was able to do it.

“It’s not too late. Every wound heals with time, some just take longer than others. You were human and deep down, you still are, whether you know or believe it or not.” Harry finished, clapping his hand on Louis’s shoulder a few times, holding out his arm.

“Come on, I can only manipulate two hours into one human hour and my time is just about up.” Harry smiled.

Louis didn’t move though, he just looked down at himself, wondering when he changed, wondering what happened and wondering how he got so bitter.

“Ashlee. After Simon’s funeral, you went back to Ashlee’s place and saw her cheating on you with someone else. That didn’t help.” Harry responded to his silent questions.

“It had started before that, I just can’t really remember. I know the next few years consisted of me working my ass off to get Simon’s job. To feel I was as good as him, that I had to be him. He wasn’t this bad though, was he?” Louis turned to Harry, placing his hand on his arm.

Harry just simply smiled.

“He was worse in other ways.” Harry replied, waving his hand up.

Louis nodded and when he blinked again, he was alone on his leather couch.

He looked around.

“Harry?” Louis called, standing up and listening.

Silence was the only thing that greeted him back.

With a sigh, he went to the kitchen and saw that he had five minutes to spare before Zayn was scheduled to arrive.

“I’m getting a beer.” He decided, walking to the kitchen and opening the fridge door, letting out a high-pitched scream when the light came on.

Zayn’s head was on the middle shelf, his eyes open. A cig hanging from his lips with the biggest smile on his face. The rest of his body was nowhere to be found.

“Hope you don’t mind, I wanted to get a head of schedule. Get it? A head?” Zayn laughed.

Louis slammed the freezer door closed again and ran for the main door, throwing it open and taking off down the street, Zayn’s laughter still echoed in the fridge and the blaring alarm sounding from when Louis just left and not disarming it beforehand.

“Some people can’t take a joke. Hey, Harry? I might have gone a tiny bit too far; can you get Louis back here for me while I pull myself together?” Zayn called into his head, hearing Harry let a less than pleased response back.

Zayn just rolled his eyes and popped himself together, silencing the alarm on the door.

Notes

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