RooftopSinning's Autobiography

In the summer of (I'm sorry I just got a Hey Everybody music video flashback cx) sixth to seventh grade, we moved out of the home I'd lived in for nine of my twelve years. We'd been talking about moving for as long as I can remember. The only reason we live in this shitty town is because of Jonathan (my biological dad. I just refuse to call him dad/papa now). So we moved, but the plan was to move into a different STATE. We moved down the street. Into a SMALLER apartment.

Now, I could say, it all turned out how I wanted and I love it here- But I'd be lying. I hate it here. I grew up a hippie, walking around barefoot and no one giving a fuck, or walking around with pyjamas on and no one looking at me funny. These apartments go against everything I was raised with, basically. I can't go outside barefoot, I can't wear what I want to without being looked at funny. The rent is SO high, for how small the place is too, which just leaves us in a financial crisis. We get charged FIFTY DOLLARS if we let our dog poop on the ground and we don't clean it up.

I might have been depressed before that, but I can't remember exactly. But after we moved, the depression had fun screaming loudly in my face. At school, I tried acting normal. I tried acting like my entire life didn't seem worthless.

In early October, I got pretty sick. Those few days at home, were the best ones. Because one of those days, I was listening to a Taylor Swift song on YouTube. I look in the recommendations, and what do I see? She Looks So Perfect - 5SOS. I think to myself, okay, I FEEL like I'm supposed to watch this. I feel like this is a way out... But then I rolled my eyes at how cheesy I sounded. I carelessly let my finger click on the video, and my eyes squint as I listen to it, and watch the people in the video undress.

Wow. I thought. This is so inappropriate. I shouldn't be watching this. My mom will yell at me. What a boyband, though.

I know, I'm such a traitor. Keep in mind before this, I'd never liked a band, or even know what a fandom/family is.

Something told me to watch She's Kinda Hot. I didn't even like She Looks So Perfect, so why watch it? I felt some weird urge to watch it, so I did. I listened to the first couple lyrics, and I immediately get offended how they are only dating this girl because she's hot, since I only ever listened to kind, soft music.But the song takes a turn, explaining how rejected they are, yet how confident they are about it. 'We are the leaders of the not coming backs' hit me in the gut. Almost as if the single song told me who I was. Who I was holding back. I sat up, and put the laptop to the side.

I had this weird pull to be punk. I always admired people like that on the street, but I never actually wanted to be like that. I forgot how in third grade I told everyone I was goth, though.

Before that, I never danced. I never spoke. I never said no. I never had self confidence.

5 Seconds of Summer found my voice, and they handed it to me. They built me up, and they showed me, I didn't have to hold back on who I want to be. I didn't have to stay quiet, and I sure as hell didn't have to be okay. I listened to all of their songs. ALL of them. I even found ways to listen to the ones that weren't on YouTube, because they were so old.

When I first saw the SLSP video, when I saw Luke, I'm like, "Hey, that guy looks like that one person from One Direction. Oh yeah, he looks like Niall!"

So I started acting different at school. Yes, I still never spoke, but I didn't consider myself shy. I even had even confidence to make the school get me out of PE and into art.

The depression was still yelling at me though. It just kept getting worse. The anxiety got worse too. I started having ten minute panic attacks in the bathroom, not knowing why, and being late for class. I started telling everyone I wanted to die. I started telling myself it's not worth it anymore. I have no real friends, besides Janice. Everyone hates me. You're worthless. You're stupid, you're failing. At grades and at life. The insults kept coming, too. It's like there was this voice in my head, telling me all these things. That's why in a lot of my fanfictions, in at least one chapter, the character has their mind talking to them. Because I know what it's like.

One night, when I got back from my counseling, my brother wouldn't stop screaming at me. I almost cried. It didn't help that I always thought about the idea of running away. At the end of his fit, I told him, did you know I'm suicidal?

He didn't even respond. With all of them anger, and emotion, I cried and stepped into the bathroom, where I took a razor to my wrist.

The next morning, I felt amazing. I felt like everything was better, until my mom walked in.

After telling her, I stayed home for a month and a half. I took this worthlessness and emotion to a new story, Believe. Raven's dad was supposed to represent my happiness. Luke, is the thing I haven't found yet. The thing I need to find to get myself through this.
--- In kindergarten, I had a kid crush on a girl, named Rosa. I never forgot her name. I just assumed this is how it felt to have a friend.

In third grade, on the bus, I kissed a girl I was friends with on the cheek.

These things I never paid much attention too. I thought it was normal, that me acting like this towards girls was normal. I've been paying more attention to how I act and feel around girls lately, and it's finally coming to my attention that I'm not straight. I haven't accepted it fully yet though. It's just, I wasn't raised in an area where people talked about it. We weren't even ALLOWED to talk about it at my school, so I didn't know liking the same gender was a thing until like, fourth or fifth grade.

I've been writing a song about it though. You know, realizing I like girls. Just to process it. It still feels awkward for me to tell people I'm bi though, because I feel like they're going to judge me. In my school, there are only two LGBT kids, not counting me.

Notes

i'ma do 1 more probably since a lot of shit went down these past few weeks, and then another chapter to end it, saying general things about myself.

so if you'd like to know something about me, no matter how weird it is, idc cx just comment or message me it, and i'll answer it in that chapter <3

~foreverabeautifulhood

also my caps isn't broken idk why i won't used it cx