Perfect

NIALL

I want you Niall.
You are like no one I’ve ever met before.
You make me want to live my life again. You make me want to smile. To believe that something better exists.
“Niall,” Harry’s voice interrupts my thoughts and I shove the letter inside my pants’ pocket; the same letter that I have read a million times just like the ones that came before it, and that I’m still somehow hiding from my friends.
“Hey,” I fist-bump Harry and as Harry sits on the table next to me, I see Louis and Liam in the distance. They’re laughing about something but the minute Liam sees Harry, he gets all serious. The dinner hall seems to have become heavy with the silent furies of my two best friends. For a long time, I don’t think Liam is about to sit down but Liam must have decided there’s no reason to bring the fight to the dinner table of an expensive restaurant, so he does so without a word. Yes, I have heard about the fight. The entire hotel heard about the fight apparently and I was actually the last one to find out. If it hadn’t been for Louis’s drunken twitter update I wouldn’t have found out at all. I’m angry but between Harry’s angry outbursts and Liam’s constant annoyance with Harry’s outbursts, I barely ever get anything in edgewise. Sometimes I hate the way the three of them treat me—like I’m some kind of freak, a child who doesn’t know anything just because I don’t sleep around like the rest of them and I’m not prone to doing all the stupid things they do. But there is someone in this world who thinks you’re special. Someone who thinks you’re more. The thought puts me at ease and I’m not so angry anymore.
Even when I look towards my friends, there’s new positivity in my voice.
“What did you do last night?” I ask, hoping to kickstart a conversation.
No one answers.
Well, that went great.
That’s when I decide staying silent would be my best course until the Harry-Liam feud is over. This is hardly the first time Liam and Harry are fighting, but it’s the first time the fight got so out of hands they had to resort to using their fists. Harry is still wearing a pretty nasty bruise over one eye and a cut lip, and Liam has a bruised cheekbone. It’s weird because neither of them have ever raised a hand on each other before, and honestly speaking, I don’t like it one bit. I also don’t like the person that I know caused the fight in the first place. I know Natalie is bad news but I’ve never had the courage to say as much to Harry because he just seems so into her and I was afraid something I might say would hurt him. Liam on the other hand is nothing like me and doesn’t care about being politically-correct.
Hence, the fist-fight last night.
“Did you order?” Louis asks, probably just as keen as me to get the bad feelings come to some kind of resolution.
“Yes,” I say. “I placed all our orders, just as we planned.”
I hope they would hear the word plan and realize what they’re doing is wrong.
We came here because we wanted to have fun.
But so far, Harry has been spending every waking moment with Natalie, and every non-waking moment passed out from the alcohol and sex, while Liam has been busy trying to break them apart and it is a total disaster. Casinos and random women aren’t even my thing! The only reason I came here was because I thought we all might benefit from a break, enjoy some time off before we had to get back to school to finish our degrees.
Too bad none of this could be considered fun.
“Good boy,” Louis says as a joke but it feels rude for some reason and I can’t help but think I want him to stop calling me that.
“That’s not funny, Louis.”
“Don’t you think there’s enough animosity at the table already?” Louis says. “Do you really want to add to it, Niall?”
“I suppose not—”
“I’m sorry,” Harry says out of nowhere, shocking the entire table. Even Louis seems taken aback. I stare speechless at Harry first, and then I turn my attention to Liam who is busy playing with his fork, clearly acting like he hasn’t heard it but I can see those emotions on his face that are fighting to come to the surface. It’s a wonder that Liam has been sitting silently until now without striking Harry again. It’s a wonder Liam is still at the table, in fact, though the Cabernet might have something to do with it.
“Liam,” Louis says. “I think Harry’s trying to apologize.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my hearing, Louis,” Liam says.
“Come on,” I chime in. “Liam. You need to let it go.”
“Niall’s right,” Harry says. “If it makes you feel any better, I feel like an idiot.”
Liam considers this. He stops playing with the fork and turns to Harry. “You hit me,” he says. “You did it for her. You expect me to just forgive you?”
“I didn’t hit you because of her,” Harry counters. “I hit you because I was piss drunk.”
“You’re piss drunk every night,” Liam says.
“Would it make a difference, Liam?” Harry asks. “If I accepted that accusation?”
“Yes,” Liam says.
Harry rolls his eyes. “Fine,” he says. “I did it because of her, are you happy? Now please, can we get on with our vacation?”
“I wasn’t the one who put a dent in our plans,” Liam says, and it’s obvious he’s still not completely over the fight. But I know Liam, and I know he doesn’t hold a grudge too long, despite the fact that he happens to have a bit of a temper problem. But his temper problems are nothing compared to Harry’s so there’s that. Since they both happen to be somewhat inflammable this sort of thing happens rather frequently. Harry and Liam get into fights over Natalie or something related to Natalie, stay mad at each other for a few days and then they go back to being fine as though nothing happened. This is hardly the first time it’s happened.
When the food arrives we all dive in with a new gusto; the stuff that was unresolved between Liam and Harry, had been putting more pressure on our friendship than I had thought it would.
You are special, Niall.
You are worth every gesture of love. Every breath I take is yours.
But why do I feel like you don’t know your own value? Why do you have to hide behind your friends when you can be a person on your own? Why do you have to do anything if you don’t want to?
Harry’s phone rings and from the look on Harry’s face, it is clear who is calling.
Liam looks the most upset, trying hard to manage his anger.
We expect Harry to leave the dinner table with some made-up excuse but Harry surprises us by putting his phone on silent and placing it back inside his jeans pocket.
You are hot, Niall Horan.
But not just because you have blue eyes and blonde hair and because the cleft on your chin gives your face a gentle prominence; but because when you smile, it’s like the angels are smiling right along with you.
“So,” Harry says, diving into his steak. “What’s the plan for tonight?”
“I want to hit the casinos,” Liam says.
“I don’t know,” Louis says. “Casinos aren’t really my thing.”
“Well,” Harry says. “We can’t all do your thing, Louis.”
Everyone at the table knows what Harry is talking about. Louis’ secret is a non-secret; the biggest proverbial elephant in the room I have ever seen, but everyone either jokes about it or says nothing most of the time, and I think it might be because they don’t like to admit Louis might be in trouble. In every way, Louis’ problems are no different than Harry’s problems, in fact they might be worse, but the only reason they still only poke fun at him is because of the way Louis carries that secret—like it’s not something to keep hiding at all. Something Harry hasn’t been able to do in Natalie’s case. Probably because there’s a huge difference in the way Harry handles things and the way Louis handles things. Liam has a thing too—lately he’s been sleeping around with more women than he cares to admit but again, it’s not something he considers a problem.
I wonder if I have a thing.
I love you Niall.
And one day, soon, I’m going to prove it to you.
Perhaps my thing is written in black cursive on paper that smells like water lilies and the ocean.

Notes