Perfect

JAMIE
It’s strange being this close to him.
When we met the first time that night in the club, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought I was seeing things. But he told me he hadn’t been with anyone since that night and I believed him. Why wouldn’t I? He just wasn’t the same person anymore. Sure, he still had the same problems but those were just quirks, and at times I was confused, and didn’t know whether to trust him. But eventually I had to give it a shot. Honestly, I’m still not sure about this whole thing but I’m trying something new and I think after the whole Alex debacle, I have every right to find happiness. If I have to make sure I don’t fall into the same rut as my parents, I have to look for my identity before becoming someone else’s identity. And I can’t do that if I’m too hung up on a guy. But meeting Harry has been the most wonderful thing that happened to me.
Even now, as we’re walking back from the coffee house, he keeps trying to joke and making me laugh and I like the way we are together.
“Jamie,” Harry says. “You haven’t given me an answer yet.”
Damn. I almost forgot. “I need more time.”
“No,” he stops walking and looks almost angry. “You’re not running from this, Jamie. Not anymore. We’ve been going out for what, over a month now! And it’s been close to two months since Vegas. You can’t expect me to be celibate that long! I’m going to die a born-again virgin!”
I laugh. “You don’t die from being celibate, dummy.”
“How would you know?’ Harry says. “You’re not a guy. You don’t know the stuff that could potentially happen to men from lack of sex.”
“That’s not a convincing argument,” I say. “It wasn’t convincing when some guy pushed it on me in middle school and its not convincing now.”
“Guys must have been pushing themselves on you in middle school, huh?”
“Not that many,” I say, embarrassed. “There was just the one. And he was creepy.”
“I’m creepy too,” Harry says. “So why’re you still here?”
“Well, I like to be charitable sometimes, that’s why.”
He covers the distance between us and takes my hands in his. “Jamie,” he says and for some reason he’s all serious when he says the next words. “I’m crazy about you and I cannot get you out of my mind.”
The plainness, with which he says this, and the quiet intensity of his eyes, startles me. I don’t think I have the right words to respond to that proclamation. “It’s strange I know,” he says. “Probably sounds like it’s too soon or whatever? But Jamie, I’ve been with enough women to know that this is nothing at all like anything I’ve ever experienced before. And I’m not proud of that fact. I know I’m a mess. I know there are things about me that are just…wrong. But I want to change that. I want to show you that I can become a better person. That you make me a better person.”
“I don’t know, Harry.”
“I’m drinking less, I’m not having one-night stands, I’m not even thinking about anyone but you. Don’t you think you deserve to give me one chance to prove myself? You know we have something special, you know that! You can’t just throw it away!”
“I can’t,” I say and start walking.
He’s really serious about this and I don’t know if I can handle that just now. A lot has happened in the past couple of months and I don’t know if I can be with a guy who has the potential to be explosive. He might be making all these claims now, but would he still be keeping his promises when our relationship goes through tough times?
“Jamie,” he says, and starts walking after me. “Where are you going? We were supposed to hang out!”
“That was before you said what you just said!”
He grabs my arm and pulls me towards himself, and we’re kissing right in the middle of the road. When he breaks off I’m both breathless and speechless. “Look into my eyes Jamie,” he says. “And tell me you don’t feel the same way about me.”
“This is ridiculous,” I say and yank my arm out of his hold. When I start walking this time, he doesn’t follow.
“You’re letting your fears get in the way, Jamie. You’re going to regret not giving us a chance. You’re going to regret that you could have stayed and you decided not to because you were too afraid. Because you still don’t believe that something good can happen to you. And no matter how hard I try to convince you otherwise, you’re never going to take my word for it.”
This is stupid.
He doesn’t know what he’s saying! I’m just going to keep walking and forget that he even exists. I’ve done it before with men; I can do it with him. Only, I know that’s a lie. I know what he’s saying is true, that I do want very much to be with him but as much as he makes my life exciting he also scares me.
I’m almost in front of my apartment building when I stop.
What am I doing?
Am I walking away from the one good thing in my life because I’m afraid I will lose it? That’s not me at all! It shouldn’t be. He just told me he was crazy about me, that he wanted to take it to the next level. He hasn’t even touched me in all this time, except for making out once in a while, when I allowed it. He hasn’t done anything wrong. And I know that he struggles, every day, but he still gets up every morning and does the same things he’s been doing for me all this time. How can I let a thing like that get away?
How can I let him get away?
I should be holding on to him, not scaring him away before we’ve even found out what’s it’s like to be a real couple!
So, I turn, hoping to find him still waiting, but there’s no one there.
He’s gone.
Well, looks like I really fucked it up this time.
When I turn, I crash into someone.
I look up and Harry is looking down at me with a cocky grin on his face. His eyes are two gorgeous pools of blue-green, deep and fathomless. They remind me that what he hides away might be something I cannot handle. But at least they’re no longer impenetrable. And neither is he. He’s really letting his walls down when he’s with me and there’s nothing I want more.
“I knew you’d be back,” he says.
“No one likes cocky people,” I say.
“That’s a load of bullshit,” Harry says. “People love cocky.”
“Oh wow, Harry, I’ve never heard double entendres before.”
“Your words are praising me but your tone is sarcastic.”
“Womanizing, trust-fund baby by day and detective by night!”
“Hey,” he says. “I can’t help my trust-fund. And I wouldn’t call this womanizing.”
“What would you call it?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “But I’m thinking of a pun with the words blue-balls in it.”
“What’s the point of being cocky, when you can’t even come up with a pun when you need it?” I say. “Harry. Some would say that you’re losing your touch.”
“Well those some,” Harry says, placing his lips on mine. “Can go kiss my ass.”
And he kisses me again. “What do you say we take this upstairs?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I’m starting to think maybe cocky boys aren’t my thing after all.”
“Hmmm,” he mumbles. “I see how that might be a problem.”
“I’m so glad you understand.”
“Oh, I do.” He says and bends, and I’m still trying to figure out why, when he puts a hand around my waist and another under my knees and lifts me up in his arms.
I grab onto his shoulder to keep myself from falling. “Harry! What’re you doing?”
“Still think cocky boys aren’t your thing?”
“Put me down, Harry!”
But instead he carries me through the front of the building, past the doorman who looks at us and sniggers but Harry isn’t bothered at all. “Harry!! Stop!!”
He starts his climb up the stairs. “I can’t,” he says. “It’s like I’m on cocky autopilot.”
“Okay okay stop!” I start to laugh. “Put me down! Please!”
But he carries me up the two flights of stairs. “No,” he says, and when we get to my apartment, he stops and we’re looking into each other’s eyes. For a moment I feel like I’ve lost myself in his. “Do you really want me to stop?” he asks, and his voice is all husky.
“No,” I confess.
“Then open the door.”
I reach for the keys in my jeans pocket and he positions me closer to the door so I can use them to unlock. When it’s open, Harry carries me to the couch and places me on it gently, and starts kissing me and we’re making out all hot and heavy.
“Wait,” I say.
“What, Jamie?”
“Lock the door, please.”
He smiles and gets up, locks the door. Then he stands there and unbuttons his shirt while he looks down at me with those gorgeous, intense eyes. He comes on top of me and unbuttons my blouse, caressing my breasts and his fingers feel like they’re bringing my body in a magical place that I never want to leave. His mouth descends on one of my nipples and soon enough, I’m clinging on to him, begging for him to keep going and never stop. His tongue licks gently along the soft skin and makes it erect. He comes up to kiss me and his hands push inside my jeans, going through the panties and reaching deep, and I’m a moaning, begging mess.
I can feel his erection through his jeans, touching my thigh, proof that he’s getting as much pleasure from this as I am.
He pulls down my pants and tosses them aside. He starts to kiss my thighs. “Jamie,” he says in a hoarse whisper. “I want you.”
“I want you too,” I say, looking at his beautiful face.
He uses his teeth to slide off the panties and tosses them aside right along with the pants. Now, his lips aren’t just kissing my thighs; they’re going deeper and deeper until he’s gone to a place from where I know there’s no coming back.
He feels me tensing up and stops.
“Relax,” he says. “You’re with me, Jamie. Just let go.”
So, I lie back down and close my eyes, while he uses his tongue in ways that deepens the pleasure that’s already building inside of me; pleasure that seems to have taken over my whole body instead of some specific part and that comes from being intimate with him that way. He knows exactly what to do, I never have to guide him or anything, somehow he just knows what I need and I can’t explain it but so do I.
I get one of those earth-shattering orgasms right away, and he still doesn’t stop. I’ve lost count of how many times he makes me come that way. When he comes up, he nuzzles my neck and kisses it, biting just a little, and the combination of pain and pleasure just heightens the gratification, and when he finally drops his pants, he’s rock hard. I don’t know why, but the sight of him just makes it all the more exciting; knowing that he’s into me as much as I am into him.
He takes out a condom from his wallet and rips the plastic wrapper, slides it on. When he enters me, the feeling of pleasure intensifies, having him fill me up that way, being one with him, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world, I can’t even begin to explain it. All I know is that in that one moment I believed that perfection existed; and this, him and me, that’s what it looked like. He looks right at me when he’s about to come and he feels like a different person, like someone I barely knew until this moment but who has been completely exposed to me now. He’s caring, and he’s gentle and he’s sweet and he’s giving—he’s everything a woman could wish for in a man, he just doesn’t reveal this side of him often enough. And I realize that it might be because he’s afraid of getting hurt, just like I still am. Opening yourself up to someone isn’t as easy as it sounds and I know that better than anyone.
“God, Jamie!” He says and kisses me and when he breaks off his face is contorted, and I know what that means, and my body is in such a constant state of pleasure, that his thrusts have made it possible for me to come dangerously close to yet another orgasm, and this time, it happens the second I feel him coming, and his body falls on top of me and for a minute I’m afraid to breathe. Afraid that this moment is going to be over and I’ll have to face reality again. But when he looks up at me again and kisses me, the fear goes away and I’m back in the land of magic.
“I think I’m falling for you, Jamie.”
He bares his soul to me.
I have to make sure he doesn’t regret it.
“I think I’m falling for you, too.”
“It’s kind of scary, huh?”
“Yeah,” I try to smile.
He grabs hold of my hand and kisses it, then just holds it. “Don’t worry,” he says. “We’ll give this thing our best, Jamie. I’ll give this thing my best. Just be patient with me, will you?”
“I think I can manage that.”
“Good,” he says and we kiss again. “Because I don’t want to screw this up.”

Notes