Break On Me
Chapter 065
[New York City] // [Two Weeks Later]
//Emmy//
I have to do this – if I don’t I’ll regret it the rest of my life. I know this will do me some good, I know it will be the best for all three of us. But mostly for Harry and I. After so long of the same old routine, same old fights, and the same damn love – I’ve learned to just do what’s best for me, and follow my heart and my soul.
“Are you ready? I got the last of your bags past him. He was in the kitchen.” Carly says as she comes into the bedroom. I give her a nod as I pick up Katie off the floor where she had been playing with the teddy bear the nurses in LA gave to her.
I hold her on my hip, making sure my arm is tightly around her. I put my purse strap on my shoulder as Carly craps Katie’s diaper bag. It’s time to go down this next path in my life – it’s time to do better for myself.
My heart hasn’t stopped aching from the loss of my little baby, and it will never stop hurting me. Despite that, I know this is what’s best for me and Katie. We’ll be safer far away from this house, far away from him.
Within a minute we were in the foyer. Carly opens the door just as I hear my name being called over and over. I roll my eyes, of course this would happen – I can’t just leave without him noticing, unfortunately.
“Emmy? Where are you going?’’ Harry rushes over to me, his hand on my waist. I step back a few inches, his hand falling back to his side. “What’s going on? What the fuck are you doing?’’ Harry asks, his eyebrows furrowed, confusion swept over his face.
A face I will miss – but at the same time I won’t. I’ll be free of the screaming, the hitting, the lashing out – everything bad will be gone and I will be somewhat okay. Of course a piece of my heart is in Heaven with my little angel, and another piece will be left in Harry’s possession – but the majority of it is with me, and I know this is the right thing to do.
“I can’t do this anymore, Harry.” I sigh out, my eyes finding his quickly. I will miss staring into them, but every time I think about them I’ll remember the anger they held at times – something I won’t miss at all.
“What are you talking about? I thought we were doing fine? I thought you wanted to try harder to do good.. after.. what happened?” Harry asks, still unsure of this all.
“Please Harry.. just.. let me go. I’ll be much better off without.. without you.” I mumble as I place a kiss against Katie’s temple.
“Without me? But.. what about Katie? We promised, Emmy, that we wouldn’t do this to her.” He shakes his head a few times from side to side, but I try my best to ignore him.
“I have to go.”
“Can we fucking talk about this? Please baby, don’t leave me. I’ve already lost a baby, I don’t want to lose you either.” Harry’s hand grabs my wrist and holds it tight, pleading eyes staring into mine.
“I’m sorry Harry, but I need a break.” I admit with a huff, wanting him to let me go and let me leave this hell hole.
“Please Emmy, don’t do this to me. I will fix whatever I can. I’ll fuck you every night, whatever it takes to make you happy. Please.” He begs, yanking me closer to him.
“I’m sorry.. but I’m done.” The words stung as they left my mouth, but I know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now.
“I just need some alone time.. after the miscarriage.. I.. I just need time away from this house.” I whisper the last few words softly, but I knew he heard me – he hears every single word that leaves my mouth.
“No, Emmy. We need to go through this together! We’re fucking engaged!” Harry yells, his eyes tearing up as he stares down at me. I gulp gently, this is exactly one of the reasons I want to leave him – screaming and fighting constantly.
I pass Katie to Carly, who gladly steps out of the front door to get the baby away from Harry’s insane behavior.
“I’m sorry Harry.” I say angrily as I pull the ring off of my finger. I grab his wrist and bring his palm between me. I slam the ring down into his hand close his fingers to make a fist. I release his wrist and it falls beside him.
I see his bottom lip quiver as he stares down at me. His head shakes lightly from left to right, as if he couldn’t believe this all. Well I hope he gets to believing it soon, because it’s real this time.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t live everyday like this… not knowing whether you’ll love me or hit me, scream at me or kiss me. I’m sorry but this isn’t good for my health, this isn’t good for Katie to be around all the time. And it just isn’t good for my heart.” I swallow the lump in my throat as I take a few steps back, I don’t want him to lash out on me again like he has so many times before.
“Please if there’s anything I can do to change this please, please Emmy tell me baby. I can’t lose you.” His tone isn’t so harsh anymore, his voice isn’t so loud. I give him a sigh again, why can’t he understand?
“You can let me go. I don’t know for how long.. but just please, Harry, please give me time. I need to cope with everything and I can’t.. I can’t take this relationship right now. Please, just give me time.” I breathe out the last request, my eyes trailing up to his again and away from the floor.
“How long.. do I have to wait.. to see my daughter?’’ He asks nervously, tears falling from his beautiful eyes.
“I’ll let you know. But for now.. I have to go, Harry.” I begin to turn on my heel, but before I could hardly move he grabs my wrist and pulls me back around.
“I love you.” He tells me, probably hoping that’ll change my mind and make me stay. But it won’t, not this time, not any time really.
“I love you too, but I have to leave. Goodbye, Harry.” I pull away from his grip and turn to the door. I release one final sigh as I step through the front entrance.
I don’t look back, I don’t even want to see what he’s doing, the face he’s making, or how many tears have fallen so far. I just keep myself forward and go down the steps to Carly’s car. She had Katie in the car seat already, our bags were packed in the trunk and things are ready to be changed.
I didn’t take every piece of clothing, jewelry, or shoes I had in that closet upstairs – that would be nearly impossible. But I took normal, casual clothes, a few dress – nothing too major.
Will I come back? Yeah, one day. I just don’t know when. Things need to change, Harry needs to mature more, he needs to grow up and get his priorities under control. And I, well, I need to get my depression under control, I need to survive my miscarriage, and I need to raise my daughter in a house that’s not filled with screaming parents and chaos twenty four seven.
Leaving Harry doesn’t break my heart – because my heart is already broken, and Harry only crumbles the shards more and more as the days go on, and I’m tired of sweeping up my pieces just to have them shattered again, and again, and again.
I’m done falling apart, I’m tired of breaking. I’m sick of falling when there’s no one to catch me anymore.
//Emmy//
I have to do this – if I don’t I’ll regret it the rest of my life. I know this will do me some good, I know it will be the best for all three of us. But mostly for Harry and I. After so long of the same old routine, same old fights, and the same damn love – I’ve learned to just do what’s best for me, and follow my heart and my soul.
“Are you ready? I got the last of your bags past him. He was in the kitchen.” Carly says as she comes into the bedroom. I give her a nod as I pick up Katie off the floor where she had been playing with the teddy bear the nurses in LA gave to her.
I hold her on my hip, making sure my arm is tightly around her. I put my purse strap on my shoulder as Carly craps Katie’s diaper bag. It’s time to go down this next path in my life – it’s time to do better for myself.
My heart hasn’t stopped aching from the loss of my little baby, and it will never stop hurting me. Despite that, I know this is what’s best for me and Katie. We’ll be safer far away from this house, far away from him.
Within a minute we were in the foyer. Carly opens the door just as I hear my name being called over and over. I roll my eyes, of course this would happen – I can’t just leave without him noticing, unfortunately.
“Emmy? Where are you going?’’ Harry rushes over to me, his hand on my waist. I step back a few inches, his hand falling back to his side. “What’s going on? What the fuck are you doing?’’ Harry asks, his eyebrows furrowed, confusion swept over his face.
A face I will miss – but at the same time I won’t. I’ll be free of the screaming, the hitting, the lashing out – everything bad will be gone and I will be somewhat okay. Of course a piece of my heart is in Heaven with my little angel, and another piece will be left in Harry’s possession – but the majority of it is with me, and I know this is the right thing to do.
“I can’t do this anymore, Harry.” I sigh out, my eyes finding his quickly. I will miss staring into them, but every time I think about them I’ll remember the anger they held at times – something I won’t miss at all.
“What are you talking about? I thought we were doing fine? I thought you wanted to try harder to do good.. after.. what happened?” Harry asks, still unsure of this all.
“Please Harry.. just.. let me go. I’ll be much better off without.. without you.” I mumble as I place a kiss against Katie’s temple.
“Without me? But.. what about Katie? We promised, Emmy, that we wouldn’t do this to her.” He shakes his head a few times from side to side, but I try my best to ignore him.
“I have to go.”
“Can we fucking talk about this? Please baby, don’t leave me. I’ve already lost a baby, I don’t want to lose you either.” Harry’s hand grabs my wrist and holds it tight, pleading eyes staring into mine.
“I’m sorry Harry, but I need a break.” I admit with a huff, wanting him to let me go and let me leave this hell hole.
“Please Emmy, don’t do this to me. I will fix whatever I can. I’ll fuck you every night, whatever it takes to make you happy. Please.” He begs, yanking me closer to him.
“I’m sorry.. but I’m done.” The words stung as they left my mouth, but I know this is the best thing I can do for myself right now.
“I just need some alone time.. after the miscarriage.. I.. I just need time away from this house.” I whisper the last few words softly, but I knew he heard me – he hears every single word that leaves my mouth.
“No, Emmy. We need to go through this together! We’re fucking engaged!” Harry yells, his eyes tearing up as he stares down at me. I gulp gently, this is exactly one of the reasons I want to leave him – screaming and fighting constantly.
I pass Katie to Carly, who gladly steps out of the front door to get the baby away from Harry’s insane behavior.
“I’m sorry Harry.” I say angrily as I pull the ring off of my finger. I grab his wrist and bring his palm between me. I slam the ring down into his hand close his fingers to make a fist. I release his wrist and it falls beside him.
I see his bottom lip quiver as he stares down at me. His head shakes lightly from left to right, as if he couldn’t believe this all. Well I hope he gets to believing it soon, because it’s real this time.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t live everyday like this… not knowing whether you’ll love me or hit me, scream at me or kiss me. I’m sorry but this isn’t good for my health, this isn’t good for Katie to be around all the time. And it just isn’t good for my heart.” I swallow the lump in my throat as I take a few steps back, I don’t want him to lash out on me again like he has so many times before.
“Please if there’s anything I can do to change this please, please Emmy tell me baby. I can’t lose you.” His tone isn’t so harsh anymore, his voice isn’t so loud. I give him a sigh again, why can’t he understand?
“You can let me go. I don’t know for how long.. but just please, Harry, please give me time. I need to cope with everything and I can’t.. I can’t take this relationship right now. Please, just give me time.” I breathe out the last request, my eyes trailing up to his again and away from the floor.
“How long.. do I have to wait.. to see my daughter?’’ He asks nervously, tears falling from his beautiful eyes.
“I’ll let you know. But for now.. I have to go, Harry.” I begin to turn on my heel, but before I could hardly move he grabs my wrist and pulls me back around.
“I love you.” He tells me, probably hoping that’ll change my mind and make me stay. But it won’t, not this time, not any time really.
“I love you too, but I have to leave. Goodbye, Harry.” I pull away from his grip and turn to the door. I release one final sigh as I step through the front entrance.
I don’t look back, I don’t even want to see what he’s doing, the face he’s making, or how many tears have fallen so far. I just keep myself forward and go down the steps to Carly’s car. She had Katie in the car seat already, our bags were packed in the trunk and things are ready to be changed.
I didn’t take every piece of clothing, jewelry, or shoes I had in that closet upstairs – that would be nearly impossible. But I took normal, casual clothes, a few dress – nothing too major.
Will I come back? Yeah, one day. I just don’t know when. Things need to change, Harry needs to mature more, he needs to grow up and get his priorities under control. And I, well, I need to get my depression under control, I need to survive my miscarriage, and I need to raise my daughter in a house that’s not filled with screaming parents and chaos twenty four seven.
Leaving Harry doesn’t break my heart – because my heart is already broken, and Harry only crumbles the shards more and more as the days go on, and I’m tired of sweeping up my pieces just to have them shattered again, and again, and again.
I’m done falling apart, I’m tired of breaking. I’m sick of falling when there’s no one to catch me anymore.
Notes
// ended this on a sour note, but guys please don't give up on me! FEEDBACK PLEASE. Epilogue coming then the SEQUEAL!! Finally book is always the best book!! I promise!! ♥
Omg poor Harry but I can absolutely see Emmys reasoning for leaving
3/14/17