ALWAYS

I laid in my bed with the bottle of wine in my hand. It was almost gone and I was starting to feel the buzz. I sighed and got up from the bed. I tripped over my own feet then kicked the bed. I grunted loudly as I walked out of the room. Maybe I had more to drink than I thought. I carefully made my way down the stairs to the kitchen. I opened up my fridge to find more alcohol. I knew it was a terrible idea but it was one that I needed. I smiled a bit when I found a bottle of American whiskey. It was too harsh of a drink but it was strong enough to get the job done. I grabbed it and removed the lid. As I took a sip right from the bottle I grimaced. Disgusting beverage. I shrugged after a moment then went back to my bedroom. It was a good place to stay. If I laid in bed, when I passed out, I wouldn't have to explain anything when the boys came to pick me up for our studio session.
As I climbed the stairs to my room, I realized that I was extremely tense. I ran my hand through my hair as I reached the door. I needed to relax. I needed to find some kind of outlet for my stress and tension. I smiled to myself as I came up with a way to rid myself of the things I disliked. I entered my room and went for my laptop.
I laid down in my bed with my lap top. I knew I was about to go somewhere I hadn't gone for a long time but it was what I needed. I searched through all of the files on my computer. I grinned brightly when I found the folder I was looking for. I opened it with a sigh. I pulled up the first photograph. I smiled seeing Enola's bright eyes and wide grin. She looked so happy and so satisfied. My eyes wandered further down to her body. I missed the feel of her warm, firm breasts against my chest. Her flat, toned abs molded to mine so perfectly. The curve of her hips was so defined and attractive. She had hips that were made to carry children. I smiled as I thought of the way I would grip her hips as she would ride me, her strong legs lifting her body over and over. The thought of her ass connecting with my thighs as she worked my length into her tight, wet sanctuary. I noticed that I was becoming extremely aroused just from the memory of her. I flipped through the pictures quickly until I arrived at the video we had made. It didn't start out as a way to make a sex tape. It was just a way for her to recall emotions and details from the time we spent together. I pressed the play button on the screen. I chuckled seeing my own face, blushing and not completely sure of the situation. I felt my heart race as I heard her voice. So sweet and soft, having just been making love for hours. I leaned back as I watched myself answer all of her silly questions. I still looked at her with the wonder I saw in my eyes years ago. I laughed when I heard her ask my favorite sexual position and laughed harder when I got mad about it. Were she to ask me now, I'd tell her in a heartbeat: I liked when she was on top. I loved the feeling of her sliding against me. I loved to see every centimeter of her, her face, her tits, her abs and watching her pelvis connect with mine.
I frowned as I heard myself asking Enola about her father. Though, it seemed like they had a good relationship now. She spoke of him and he was staying with her before her gallery opening. To make her feel better I asked her about her mum which only made her more upset. I grunted at myself for being a fool. I watched with intense eyes as we discussed me bringing her to the museums she'd never been to. I frowned when I thought about how I didn't get to take her to the Louvre while we were in Paris. My smile returned when I asked her favorite way to be kissed. My insides lit up when I caught another glimpse of her breasts. They were so soft but firm. Perfect in every way. We kissed passionately. I missed that as well. Her lips were smooth and delicate. She could work me into a frenzy just running her lips down my jawline. I bit down on my lip as we discussed sexual positions. Her favorite being so similar to mine. I looked down and noticed that my dick was hard. I whimpered a bit. I knew that it was a dangerous video to watch. I pressed pause on the computer and stood from my bed. I undressed completely then climbed back into the bed. I set the computer up so I could watch but get myself off at the same time. I wanted to smile as Enola described how she felt. But I just frowned, we were never going to feel like that again. She didn't want me anymore. She didn't love me anymore. I shook the thought from my head as the camera angle changed. It was facing the bed so both of us could be seen. I gripped my dick gently and began to pump as I watched myself bury my dick inside of the most beautiful woman in the world. She instantly melted into my touch. I groaned softly.
I tensed as I listened to Enola screaming in pleasure on the video. My eyes were closed and I was trying to remember the way she felt around me, on top of me, pressed against me. I groaned again feeling the build in my lower stomach. I was going to have release. I wanted it. I needed it. This was as close to making love to Enola as I was going to get. I tightened my grip and pumped faster thinking of the way she clung to me as she panted in my ear and dragged his fingernails down my back. I opened my eyes and stared at the screen, watching her writhe against my body and beg me to make her cum. I felt my dick jerk in my hand. I was going to cum myself. The sound of Enola reaching her orgasm pushed me over the edge. The sound of her screaming my name and me pounding into her made my entire body tense. I groaned loudly as my wanton desire shot all over my own hand and stomach. I released my dick and leaned back against the pillows. I ran my hand through my hair, wondering what had gotten into me. I slammed my computer shut when I heard Enola telling me how much she adored me. I pushed my computer off the bed angered with my own actions. I stood from the bed shakily. I grabbed the bottle of whiskey from my nightstand and headed toward my bathroom. I needed a shower to cool off.

I got out the shower hearing people in my living room. I grunted not liking that the boys had returned to my home. I dried off quickly so I could kick them out. I pulled my jeans on after being completely dry. I glared at my computer as I walked out of the room. I hated that I thought I need to jerk off to myself and Enola. But my imagination and the past were the only ways that I could have her.
I entered my living room with my whiskey bottle in hand. I glared at the boys, Sophia and Brynn. They all looked at me a little shocked.
"What are you doing here?" I asked meanly before taking a drink from the bottle.
"Harry, are you drunk?" Brynn was obviously concerned but I didn't care. It was partly her fault that I was so upset.
"Not nearly enough." I replied honestly. I walked further into the room and stumbled a bit. I grunted and cursed the table, "Stupid fucking table."
"Harry, is there a reason we're getting drunk tonight?" Louis inquired also showing concern as I sat down in the chair.
I shrugged, "Why not?" They all looked at me with sad eyes. "What?" I snapped at them.
"Harry, you're not one to just drink. What's going on?" Niall raised his voice at me.
I glared at him intensely, "I did not ask you to come over. I did not ask you to stay and watch me. Don't like it? Leave."
"Hey, we're just worried about you." Sophia grunted at me, obviously annoyed with my salty attitude. But I still didn't care, I was half way into the whiskey and didn't plan on stopping even though it was vile. "Why are you so determined to get drunk tonight?" Sophia asked again.
"What other way is there to bury all of the bullshit?" I snapped at her.
"Bullshit? Harry what are you talking about?" Brynn was getting angry as well.
I sighed and stood up, "Never mind. Just get out of my house." I took another gulp of the whiskey. I enjoyed the burning as it went down my throat.
"Are you thinking about Enola?" Louis inquired knowingly.
I turned my infuriated eyes to him, "Don't say her name."
"Harry, you have to own up to how you are feeling. It's not going to get any easier if you bottle it up." Liam said in a soothing tone.
"Get out of my house. I don't want her in here. I don't want her name. I don't want anything that's going to make me think of her. Get out." I nearly shouted. Louis stood up and tried to get close to me. I pushed him away. "Leave me alone." I said taking a step back.
"Harry, tell me what you're thinking." Louis urged me.
"No. You don't care. You haven't cared about the way I've been falling apart without her for a long time." I snapped at him.
"Why are you falling apart? Harry, I love Enola. I do. She is a wonderful person. A wonderful mother. But she met you while married. You two had an affair. While I don't doubt that you love her and I know that she was so in love with you, you two were a moment that was never supposed to happen." Louis stated calmly.
"But we did!" I shouted at him. HE looked at me with saddened eyes. "Don't! Don't look at me like that!" I fought back the tears that wanted to escape my eyes.
"Harry, you can't live in the past with her. You can't." Louis said trying to get close to me again.
"Why not? That's all I have with her. She'll never let me back in. Not after what I said to her. Not after I told her to leave." I choked out.
"Your past with E was not a healthy relationship. Yes, you loved her and she loved you. You were technically a regular couple in your love but she was married. She had a life with someone else." Louis explained.
"But he was an abusive asshole. He didn't love her. He wanted her because she was a beautiful young artist. He didn't want her mind, her heart. He just saw a trophy wife. A woman that made him look better." I snapped at Louis.
"Isn't that what you wanted? You wanted her body." Louis spoke calmly.
I glared at him, "At first. Then she spoke to me. I saw her heart. I wanted to be in her head. I wanted to know what she was thinking at all moments of the day. I wanted to know what she was feeling every second. I'd never felt closer to anything in my life than when she would smile at me and say she loved me." I moved closer to him in anger, "How dare you say that I am anything like him! I would never do to her the things he did. I wouldn't leave her alone with a child! I wouldn't make her face being a parent alone."
"Who says she's alone in it Harry?" Louis asked.
"She's a single mother! No one will ever love that little girl the way she does! WE can all try but it's not going to happen. We're not Darcy's other parent." My anger was building.
"You mean you're not Darcy's other parent." Louis spoke calmly. The statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I fell to my knees and let the tears flow down my face. I buried my face in my hands and let my shoulders shake. Louis knelt in front of me. He placed his hands on my neck and made me look at him. "Harry, Enola still loves you. I know she does. If she didn't, she wouldn't let you spend time with Darcy. That little girl is her world. She lets you into that world. If you want to be around Enola, if you want o be in her life. Be there for Darcy. I know you love that little girl as much as you love Enola. I know that you can be everything they both need. You may not be able to be Enola's lover anymore but you can be her best friend, her confidant. Don't worry about the way you used to be. Be with her in the best way that you can, help her raise her child. She wouldn't let you do all the things you do with them if she didn't think you could be that man." Louis assured me. "She still loves you. Maybe if you show her that your love is unconditional and not fleeting, she will fall in love with you all over again. Maybe she will fall in love with the man you are when you're acting like a father to her daughter. Don't for a second think that she can't be yours again. She can. But show her that its worth the time. Show her you mean it when you say you will always love her." Louis stared into my eyes. He meant every word he said. "Enola thinks that love is always changing. Prove to her that she's right. Prove to her that your love for her changed when you found out she was a mum. I could see the respect, the longing and the overwhelming look of love in your eyes when you saw the picture of her when she was pregnant. BE the man that she needs. Be the man that Darcy needs." Louis instructed once again. I nodded as I broke down again. Louis held me close as I rested my forehead against his shoulder and sobbed. I could feel everyone else in the room staring at me with sad and loving eyes but I didn't want to look at them. I was embarrassed my selfish, uncaring actions. Louis hugged me tighter as I apologized for being a dick to them.



I woke with a pounding headache. I sat up and looked around. I was in my own bed and the curtains were drawn. I looked at the clock. It was well after eleven and I groaned. I flopped back into my pillows and rubbed my face roughly. I turned onto my stomach, burying my face in the pillows as the events of the previous night flashed in my mind. I acted like a seriously unhinged, psychotic person. I had to get up to go to the studio but I was too embarrassed to face my friends, the people that loved me that I tried to push away. I sighed and got out of the bed. I knew that I couldn't put off getting up any longer. I decided to skip a shower even though it would make me feel less sick, but I felt like my hangover was a good punishment for the way I acted. I dressed myself in ripped up jeans and a flannel shirt that Enola always sported when the paisley shirt was in the wash. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and my wallet from my dresser before leaving my bedroom.
I entered my kitchen with a bright red face. Liam, Niall and Louis all sat at the table with tea and breakfast while Sophia and Brynn were at my stove. I stood awkwardly in the doorway as they all looked at me.
"Good morning sunshine." Brynn beamed at me.
"Hello." I nearly whispered as Sophia walked toward me.
"Come on. Come have some tea and breakfast." Sophia smiled as she took my arm. I shook my head and stayed still. "Harry, you drank a whole bottle of wine and a fifth of whiskey last night. You need to eat. You're going to feel like shit all day if you don't." Sophia scolded me.
"I'm already going to feel like shit all day. I deserve it." I replied quietly.
"While I think you are completely correct, you should eat. You have work to do today and Darcy called already this morning asking for you. So you need to eat and take some asprin so you can deal with that tenacious toddler." Sophia giggled.
I looked at her with sad eyes, "I'm sorry. I acted like a dick."
She nodded, "Yep. But I love you, Brynn loves you and the boys love you. We understand why you acted like a dick and we forgive you for being dickish. Now, sit down and eat." Sophia pushed me toward the table. I sighed heavily and agreed.

Notes