“Niall, I don’t wanna go.”
“Why not, Em? It’ll be fun. Zayn will be there.”
I paused. Zayn was hot.
“I don’t care. Harry will also be there.”
“Please….pleeeeeassseeeeee….”
I wasn’t in the mood for a party. Much less a party that included Harry Styles. I wanted to finish Niall’s history homework, wash my hair, and finish watching my favorite show Liberty Heights. I was 17 years old, not yet old enough to drink or do anything even remotely interesting. Not to mention, I was an honors student and I had 2 tests on Monday. There was no time for a party.
The next thing I noticed in my peripheral vision was blonde hair. Niall leaned his head down, finally placing it in my lap and turning over to look up at me. A gesture he usually saved for when he really wanted something from me. Being my best friend since birth afforded him that type of cheesiness without me making fun of him for it.
“I’ll owe ya big.” He said, sticking his lip out in a deep pout.
I looked down at him and shook my head. I held up the pad of paper I’d been writing on as he situated his head in my lap,
“You already owe me. I’m doing your homework.”
He knitted his brows,
“Really? What subject?”
“History.” I answered, placing the pad of paper on my knee with no regard for the fact that it slapped him in the face.
I could feel him watching me. I could hear him thinking. Niall never kept anything a secret. I ignored him anyway. After a few months of no attention, I felt him reach up and tap my bare shoulder. I shifted my gaze to his. He smiled, one of those cheesy, Cheshire cat grins.
“Please?”
I sighed,
“Niall-“
He sat up quickly, interrupting me before I could say no again. He sat on his knees,
“C’mon it’s the CD release party. You have t’be there. Ya been there for everythin’ else!”
Niall had gone and done something I was never entirely sure about a year ago. He tried out for the X-Factor. He made it onto the show. After being denied as a solo artist, the show’s producer, Simon Cowell, put him into a group with 4 other boys. Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik and Harry Styles. They had done well, making it to the finale before losing to someone whose name I couldn’t even recall anymore.
Simon had assured them he would take care of them. Because he wasn’t an idiot. Anyone with any sense at all could see what had been happening. Girls….so many girls…..all these girls. All the time. Everywhere.
And so, he flew them to London. And they recorded a CD. A CD that was now probably the most anticipated CD in Europe after the release of a single I couldn’t get out of my head no matter how hard I tried.
Niall’s life had completely changed.
Mine hadn’t.
Except for the occasional curious fan who connected the dots and found my Instagram, I was virtually a non-entity and I was fine with that.
I’d been subjected to hearing Niall sing since he realized he had vocal chords. Our mothers were best friends, we were born 2 weeks apart. I was older, something I never let him forget.
He was talented, he deserved this. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to be included in on the excitement.
It wasn’t that I was bitter or envious. It’s just that I have no talent to speak of. I was destined to be a clerk at the RSA or a school lunch lady. In other words, my life was going to be boring. There was no sense in trying to escape my fate.
Niall had a whole new crop of friends now. Industry people who could take him places. Yet he seemed insistent on keeping our friendship alive. He texted me the entire time he went through bootcamp. He called before every single performance to hear me tell him he was a dope and had no business on the stage singing for people. It was weird. But that was our friendship.
And now he was home for a few weeks before he was being put on a world tour in which I wouldn’t see him for months.
I was really going to miss him. Though I would never tell him that.
I sighed after a few moments.
“You’re not gonna leave me alone until I say yes are you?”
Niall thought for a moment and then shook his head,
“Nope.”
I looked down at the pad of paper on my knee and shrugged. While I normally would have insisted on finishing homework before doing anything, I really wanted to get the hell out of my house. My parents were arguing more often than not lately and I didn’t really want to stick around to hear another fight.
Under normal circumstances my parents would laugh in my face if I ever suggested a trip to London for the weekend when I had school on Monday. And the fact that I was only 17 years old also had something to do with that. But Niall was like the son they never had. They loved him. In fact, if I ever wanted to do anything all I had to do was say Niall was involved and the answer was always yes.
I looked over at him and sighed,
“Fine.”
Niall hopped up onto his feet, pumping his fists as he cheered. He leaned forward and kissed my cheek,
“Go pack a bag….we’re leavin in 30 minutes!”

“Ketchup, tobasco sauce, Cholula, eggs, chicken, rice…..beer. Of course he needs beer.” The refrigerator closed with a thud, a small blow of the cool air on my face as it shut. I threw the pad on the counter and continued to write the grocery list. It was going on 2 pages now. 2 pages of nothing but food.
I blew my brunette fringe bangs out of my face with a huff and looked up to catalog the beer. Niall would definitely want more beer. If it wasn’t taking up half of the refrigerator he’d complain he didn’t have enough.
I looked up as he walked into his kitchen in a pair of loose fitting workout shorts, a muscle shirt and trainers. If he wasn’t headed to the gym I might’ve given him massive amounts of shit for trying to show off his non-muscles.
He handed me a file folder, held together with a rubber band. It was tabbed according to category. Food, Clothing, Essentials and Fun Stuff. The Fun Stuff tab was always more bloated than anything else. Even the Food tab, which was a feat, because if there was one thing Niall loved to do, it was eat.
“That’s for the last couple months.” He drawled, his Irish accent permeating every syllable.
I set it down near my bag so I wouldn’t forget it later. I scratched the back of my head, smoothing my ponytail down as it swayed back and forth,
“Anything else you need from the grocery store before I send Elsa with the list?”
Elsa was Niall’s housekeeper. A small, Hispanic, older woman who was so quiet you’d never know she was around. The only evidence that she was in the house at all was the faintest smell of bleach after she’d cleaned something. Niall hated the bleach smell so he was constantly lighting candles and opening windows that I would have to close later so his energy bill didn’t sky rocket from the A/C kicking on every 10 minutes.
Niall shook his head,
“Condoms?” When I scrunched my face up he burst out laughing and put his hands on my shoulders, “Kiddin’, Em….kiddin’.”
I shot him a look and walked back over to my pad of paper,
“You need to make sure you figure out what color you want the office painted.”
He turned his nose up and rolled his blue eyes as he raised the beer bottle he was holding to his puffy pink lips and tipped it up,
“I told you….you decide.” He said after he took a sip.
I shook my head again, keeping my eyes trained on the list in front of me.
“I’m not choosing.” I said, my tone flat.
“Why not?” He asked as he tossed a crumpled piece of paper up into the air and caught it.
“Because I’ll choose one and you’ll hate it and it’ll have to be repainted.”
“Not unless it’s like pink or somethin’…..”
“I left swatches in there. Make your decision and let me know. By Thursday please?”
He grunted and took another sip,
“Fine.”
I jumped slightly when I heard his front door slam,
“Nialllllllllllllll….” I knew that voice. Deep, endlessly English and scratchy from having no doubt, just rolled out of bed.
Niall pulled his eyebrows together after he saw me jump. He took a step towards me, completely ignoring the fact that his name had just been called out by someone in his house.
“You ok?”
I nodded,
“Yeah….just-“
“Ya know it’s a good thing this house is a bit small….otherwise I would lose my voice yelling for you. And then where would we be? Fans would be so upset….”
Niall cast a worried glance at me and then turned to Harry and shook his head in disgust.
“I’m usually in the kitchen…don’t act like you don’t know that.”
Harry walked towards me, his arms outstretched as he pulled me into his chest,
“Em, I feel like I haven’t seen you in a week!”
My eyes met Niall’s eyes over Harry’s shoulder. I knew Niall could sense my irritation even if he couldn’t see it.
“And somehow it always goes way too fast.” I mumbled.
Harry Styles was one of those people everyone liked. He was fun and kind and hilarious.
And he annoyed the hell out of me.
Since the day I’d met him.
And he knew it.
I stepped away from him and walked over to my pad of paper. I could feel his eyes on me. Boring into the top of my head while he concocted all the ways he was going to bug me in his head. I knew immediately knew he was in one of those moods where he wasn’t going to leave me alone.
Harry leaned onto his elbows on the counter, close to me and took a breath,
“You look kinda pale….are you sure you’re getting enough vitamin D?”
I let out an exasperated sigh,
“No.”
Harry shrugged,
“Are you getting enough water?”
I blinked. I don’t even think my mother asked me these types of questions. I opened my mouth to answer him when he shot up off the counter and looked around.
“Where’s my girl? I know she’s here.”
I stared back at him. It was like talking to a 6 year old with ADD. I gestured to Niall’s back patio.
“She’s playing with Frank on the back deck.”
His face it up with excitement. I heard his flip flops hit the tile on the kitchen floor when he jumped up slightly.
“Ha….be right back.”
I looked back down at the pad after he left. I felt Niall’s hand on my elbow.
“Hey….you ok?” He asked, his voice etched with concern.
I nodded,
“I’m fine.”
I heard a high pitched squeal that sent shivers down my spine and then Harry walked back in with my blonde haired, 4 year old bundle of joy, Lucy, turned upside down in his arms. Her skirt hanging over her head as she squealed with delight. Niall’s black Labrador retriever, Frank, padded in behind him, looking supremely confused as to why Harry had taken away his playmate.
“Hawwwyyyyyyyyyy….” Lucy squealed.
Harry laughed,
“What’s the magic word?” He chided.
Lucy giggled,
“Pwease…..” She gasped.
Harry turned her right side up with a “WHOOP!” and set her on the counter in front of him. He tugged at her shirt to pull it down,
“How’s my girl?”
Lucy smiled back at him and then glanced over his shoulder at me,
“Water Mumma?” She asked. I nodded and walked towards Niall’s cupboard to pull a glass out.
Unfortunately my daughter did not share my distaste for Harry. He was her best friend. And while I found it funny that Harry related so closely with a 4 year old, I couldn’t deny that seeing the two of them together was endearing even if it did make me nervous.
Harry was considerate of her. He bought her gifts, but nothing too extravagant. And he was hell bent on making sure she grew up the smartest child on the planet. He bought books to read to her at night when we were on tour with them. Not your run of the mill children’s Dr. Seuss books. He read real literature to her. Poems and short stories that I don’t recall reading until I was in high school. As much as I hated to admit it, it was because of him that she knew her ABC’s and could count to 100 before she was 3.
Harry was Lucy’s favorite person in the world. The smile that graced her face whenever he was around was unmistakable. And I couldn’t take it away from either of them no matter how dangerous I thought it was.
Harry reached forward to tweak Lucy’s tummy while she giggled,
“Water? I asked you how you were….”
“I got a……a…..” She stopped, unsure of the right word and glanced back at Niall.
“Teddy bear.” He answered without skipping a beat.
“Fwom Niall….” She finished.
“Did ya now? Did ya name it?”
I handed my daughter her water,
“Here, Baby.”
Harry helped Lucy tip the glass up without spilling it as she gulped down the water,
“Slow down, Diz….it’s not going anywhere.” He cautioned.
Diz was short for Dizzy. Niall had christened Lucy with the nickname after a late night studio session when she was 2 ½. She spent a good 20 minutes running in circles to the beat of Midnight Memories only to topple over, crack her head on a coffee table and end up in the ER. We all spent the evening recovering from heart attacks while Lucy happily giggled through the whole thing.
Lucy let him take the glass away from her lips as she swallowed. Harry handed the glass back to Niall,
“What do ya say….we hit the zoo today?”
Lucy squealed with delight as I walked forward shaking my head,
“Harry….you can’t.” I warned.
Harry turned to look at me,
“Why not? I’m off today. Got nothin’ to do. Besides….I wanted to teach her about animals.”
I stared back at him. I should’ve been used to that kind of suggestion from him by now. But it still struck me as odd when he proposed his lesson plan for the day.
“She knows about animals. You’ll get mobbed.” I protested.
“I’ll wear a hat.” He retorted.
I rolled my eyes. Sometimes when he and Niall refused to accept that they were celebrities it infuriated me.
“Harry Styles in a hat….that’s not exactly a disguise. Besides….I can’t go. I have work to do.”
Harry shrugged,
“So….I’ll take her. Niall can come.”
I looked back at him, panicked as the visual of the two of them getting mobbed by hundreds of fans while my daughter was pushed into the Tiger enclosure passed through my head.
“Oh right….the two of you together. No one will notice that.”
Niall shrugged,
“I’m down for the zoo. I can put on a hat….we can take Dale with us. Besides, who t’ hell would expect us t’ show up at a zoo on a Tuesday afternoon?”
I looked between them. Usually Niall would agree with me in these situations. Lucy’s safety was always his top concern. Harry’s as well.
I would have loved to have fought this fight. But the fact that neither of them seemed concerned with the whole Tiger enclosure scenario being a possibility I felt my apprehension ease up a bit.
I finally waved my hand.
“Fine. I guess. She needs lunch anyway.”
Lucy clapped excitedly, squealing again as Harry lifted her up over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and ran out of the kitchen,
“You’re gonna make her pu-“ I yelled after him, stopping when I realized he wasn’t listening anyway. Niall turned back to his beer after we both heard the door close. I glanced up at him, “I thought you were going too.”
“I am. He won’t wanna actually leave for the zoo for another hour or so. You know how he is. He probably took her outside so he could run through the sprinklers with her.”
I giggled despite my misgivings. Niall walked towards me again,
“So now….that we’re alone….you can tell me what’s botherin’ ya.”
I hated that he knew me so well. I didn’t like talking about things. Any things. Much less my feelings about things. And the irritating thing about Niall was that he knew that and didn’t care.
“Nothin’…..I’m ok.” I finally responded, trying not to let my voice shake.
Niall leaned onto his elbows and looked up at me, his eyes narrowing a bit,
“Not an idiot, Em….” He simply responded.
I closed my mouth. I, Emily Granger, was not this person. I was not this agitated, tense, anxious person. But ever since Lucy had been born, I felt like I was being held up by a very shaky foundation. I could feel the foundation crumbling. And it scared the hell out of me.
“I dunno.” I whispered finally.
I felt Niall’s hand squeeze mine a few moments later. He stood next to me and pressed his lips to the side of my head.
Niall was good at the small things. He wasn’t going to push me to talk about it, I knew that much. He was just letting me know he was there.
I heard someone clear their throat. Loudly.
Harry stood in the doorway of the kitchen, holding Lucy in his arms. The smug look on his face as he smiled back at us made me want to punch him in the throat and I might have if he hadn’t been holding my daughter.
“You ready, Mate?” He asked.
Niall nodded, scratching his head awkwardly,
“Yeah. Gotta grab me hat.” He tweaked Lucy’s stomach as he walked by Harry. She giggled and shied away from him.
Harry looked over at me after Niall was out of earshot,
“You two uh…..gettin’ kinda cozy….”
I shook my head and ignored him. But as per usual, Harry would not be ignored.
“Did you two finally bite the bullet and kiss?”
I looked up, ready to launch at him and start yelling. But Lucy was whispering something in his ear and the look on his face as he listened to her as if she was the only other thing in the immediate area stopped me dead.
I heard Niall come back down the hallway. He slid the black Yankees cap on his head and cast a quick glance at me.
“By t’way……I like the dark grey color. Says Hematite on the label.” He added before leaning down to kiss me on the cheek.
I smiled and mouthed the words “Thank you” to him.
After they were gone, I closed the door and leaned against the door frame.

I hated cooking.
I avoided it at all costs.
Thankfully my gainful employment afforded me the ability to get takeout more often than not. This horrified Harry to an alarming degree. The idea that Lucy was consuming anything less than 100% organic and pure food was alien to him.
He insisted on cooking for us when he was home. And when he wasn’t, he arranged for meals from his favorite organic restaurants to be sent to us.
Oh to be an international pop star with no less than six layers of disposable income.
I pulled open the refrigerator at my house and sighed. Clearly the delivery truck had been here since it was stocked with everything. Elsa must have let them in. I stood on my tip toes. Chicken, rice, kale….the usual suspects. Nothing in that refrigerator resembled any other color but green, brown and white. I slammed the refrigerator and crossed my arms.
My dream of having some macaroni and cheese and a Coke while watching bad reality television was dashed.
I looked over at Niall’s binder he’d given me earlier and walked towards it. If I couldn’t eat, I might as well get some work done.
I pulled my laptop open on the kitchen table and while it fired up, I went in search of anything non-healthy I could find. I had to settle on organic peanut butter and tortilla chips.
I pulled the first set of Niall’s receipts out and started to enter them into my spreadsheet.
After Niall and the boys shot to fame, it became clear he was no longer going to be able to handle his business affairs on his own. Too many things were being thrown at him from too many people. I lost track of the amount of times Niall had come home from a long tour to the lights, water or TV service being shut off because he hadn’t paid the bill.
Around the time he’d come home from the first break on the Up All Night tour before they headed to the United States for the first time, I discovered I was pregnant with Lucy.
It had been the one and only time Niall hadn’t had to pull teeth to get me to talk about my feelings. I was terrified. The fear of raising a child had torn through me like a bullet. I lost count of how many times I broke down in front of him.
That’s when he offered me the position of his Personal Assistant. He would pay me a generous salary and make sure me and my baby were taken care of.
I was no fool. I took the job. I packed up my stuff and moved to London. I stayed with him for a few weeks until I found a place of my own.
And that’s how it had stayed. I took care of Niall both on and off tour. Sometimes I joined him, sometimes I stayed home. It just depended mostly on how homesick Niall was. Having Lucy around also helped him to dwell less on the fact that he wasn’t home.
I heard my front door slam and looked up from an almost entirely filled out spreadsheet. Only then did I realize it was dark outside.
Harry walked in with a passed out Lucy in his arms. He put his finger to his lips when I looked up and gestured down the hallway to her room. I stood up from the kitchen table and followed him. I suppose I should’ve been mad at him for keeping her out so late. But to be honest, I trusted him with her. Probably more than I trusted her with anyone. Even Niall. Even though I probably shouldn’t have.
Harry would never let anything happen to Lucy. His only concern was her well-being at all times. I couldn’t even say I was as concerned as he was and I was her mother.
I watched as he laid her down in her tiny, stuffed animal covered bed. She stirred slightly but didn’t wake up. He pulled her shoes off and threw one of her blankets over her before reaching over to turn her light down to as dim as it could go without being off. And then he leaned down and placed a soft kiss to her blonde curls.
I watched as he kept his hand on her head. Like he was calming her in her sleep through his touch. Whatever he was doing, it seemed to work. When he was home or we were on tour and he was around to do that, she slept soundly through the night. When he was gone or unable to, she sometimes woke up with terrible nightmares.
He moved his hand from her head and turned to walk out of the room, leaving the door open a bit. I could hear him following me back to the kitchen. I immediately walked towards the pantry and pulled out the box of green tea. The water had already been heating up on the stove.
He leaned his tall body against the counter and crossed one ankle over the other as he watched me pull two mugs from the cupboards and open the tea bags. Harry had grown into his lankiness. Gone was the awkward clumsy teenager with floppy curls and baggy jeans. He’d been replaced by Harry Styles from One Direction. And Harry Styles was the personification of tall, dark and handsome. The floppy curls had grown into a fabulous head of hair that most fans insisted he insure. And the baggy jeans he wore while he was self-conscious about his body had been replaced by some of the world’s tightest jeans that skillfully showed of his countless hours in the gym.
I looked over at him,
“Dare I ask what kept you out so late?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged,
“I took a little longer explaining the exotic birds to her then I expected.” When I shot him a look that clearly read “WTF?” he snorted and shook his head, “We had to leave the zoo because we got spotted. I suggested a movie. There was a Disney fest playing and she was all about it. Didn’t you get my message?”
I glanced over at my phone which had long since been put on silent so I could get some work done. I looked down to see Harry’s name and the word VOICEMAIL under it. I shook my head,
“Guess I missed it.”
“I figured you needed some time to get some work done. And it was also a bonus because Niall complained the whole time.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Niall was not a fan of Disney movies. Especially princess-y ones. Even if they were Lucy’s favorite.
Harry raised his eyebrows,
“Shocked you didn’t send out the military to find me.”
I shot him a look and walked towards the screaming pot of water. I shut the burner off and poured the water into the two mugs before I handed him one of them. He leaned forward and took the mug from me,
“Thank you.”
I turned around to put the pot in the sink and then turned back to him,
“Did you have Elsa throw away all the junk food?”
He took a sip of the tea, grimacing a bit when the hot water hit his mouth. He nodded,
“Yeah.”
“Did I miss the part when you moved in here and started to make decisions about what I eat?”
“You and I talked about the shit food thing with Lucy. You could stand to eat better.”
“Is that a fat joke?”
“No. That’s me saying you could stand to eat better.”
“I like macaroni and cheese.”
“I don’t know why. Unless you like visitin the toilet every 10 minutes.”
“Maybe that’s what happens to you.”
“If you say that doesn’t happen to you, you’re lying.”
I let out a frustrated sigh,
“Fine. The macaroni and cheese can go. But leave my Coke alone.”
Harry shook his head,
“No promises.” He knitted his brow, “Are you eating peanut butter and tortilla chips?”
I glanced over at the table where both items were prominently displayed and then looked back at him,
“That’s what happens when you throw away my food!”
“You’re not pregnant again are you?”
I shot him a look and shook my head.
Things between Harry and I had changed in the years we’d known each other. Probably mostly attributed to the fact that we had grown up. We still had an antagonistic relationship but we had settled into a spot where we could appreciate each other in some small measure. He was still weird, but less scatterbrained. For someone who spent the last five years of his life having his picture taken everywhere and having horrible, untrue things said about him in the media, he had to be the most level headed person I knew. And he was still a kind soul, something I knew even when he annoyed the shit out of me. He was just quieter and more introspective now.
For some reason I had yet to figure out, we acted differently around each other when other people were around. Probably something to do with old habits and people expecting us to act a certain way, but Harry and I were almost friends, the kind of friends who traded insults back and forth with ease, when we were alone together versus contradictory when other people were around.
He looked down at the tea in his mug,
“Is this the stuff from Whole Foods?”
I shook my head,
“That stuff is way too expensive.”
He made a face,
“Says the girl living in the middle of London in a house the size of a small football field.”
“I like to watch my money.”
“I’m all for being frugal…..I’m also all for decent tasting tea.”
I shook my head and turned back to my bag. I pulled out a small binder and set it on the counter. I gave it a good shove and watched as it sailed all the way over to Harry. He reached out to stop it and looked up at me.
Harry had lost his own Personal Assistant to motherhood. He had been more than willing to keep her on as his employee until he came home to see his basement flooded after she’d left the sprinklers on. She apologized profusely of course and then they’d made the mutual decision that it was probably better she focus on raising her family.
Harry begged me. Literally on his knees, his hands together, crawling on the floor of his dressing room in Phoenix, Arizona, to help him out. He swore it would only be a few weeks. That was 8 months ago. I don’t think he’d even called any agencies much less interviewed anyone.
If I was being honest, I didn’t mind doing it. Harry was a lot easier to organize than Niall was. Being that Harry was such a minimalist I barely had to do anything. He liked to make his own dinner reservations and doctor’s appointments and he insisted on paying his own bills online. The only thing I had to do was make sure his house was ready to go for when he returned from a tour. Which was easy enough. Fill the refrigerator with water, kale and some hummus and he’d do the rest once he woke up from his 48 hour slumber.
I gestured to the binder,
“Those are done. Make sure when you leave next week you keep that up. It makes my life a lot easier when the tax man comes around.”
Harry nodded,
“Done. And thanks by the way…..for the new appliances I didn’t need.”
During Harry’s last touring stint I’d walked into his brand new house to see that none of the appliances matched. He’d warned me not to do it. He’d take care of it when he got home. But I couldn’t handle it. A black refrigerator, stainless steel dishwasher and white stove. It drove me insane. I could barely understand why he would even buy a house with that type of monstrosity in the kitchen.
“You did need them. They’re top of the line. I dunno what you’re complaining about.”
“Because I wanted to choose them.”
“So you’d have chosen differently?”
“So not the point.”
“It’s ok, you don’t have to admit that I chose exactly what you would’ve chosen….”
He shook his head and set down his empty mug in the sink,
“You’re fired.”
I snorted,
“That’s the third time this week you’ve fired me.”
He nodded,
“I know. Maybe one day I’ll follow through.” He grabbed the binder I’d shoved at him and turned to walk out, “Oh…” He said as he turned back around, “Diz requested a visit to the studio tomorrow. She has something very important to discuss with Louis.”
I knitted my eyebrows,
“What would that be?”
Harry held in a burp and shrugged as he splayed his hand out on his stomach,
“It’s top secret whatever it is….” He held his hand up as he turned to walk out of my house. I heard the door close a few moments later.

I pulled the studio door open and looked down, watching as Lucy’s tiny Converse covered feet plodded through it. One thing about my daughter that couldn’t be denied was that she never let anyone rush her anywhere. Even me.
I put my hand on her shoulder and pointed her towards the door marked FOUR. She was clutching the bear that Niall had given her the other day in her hand.
I pushed the door open just as the music blaring from the speakers stopped. Niall turned his chair to see us, a huge smile breaking over his features,
“DIZ!!!” He exclaimed as she ran towards him. It was the first time I’d seen her run towards anything all day. I shook my head,
“I couldn’t get her to speed up for anything today….but she sees you and she’s running.”
Niall picked her up and covered her in kisses as she giggled,
“Most women run when they see me….I’m used to it.”
I rolled my eyes. Louis reached over to take the bag off my arm,
“I’ll get that, Love.” He set it on the couch and slid his hands onto his hips. He nodded towards Lucy, “I hear she has something to talk to me about.”
I nodded,
“She won’t tell me what it is…..so it must be very important.”
It had recently been announced that Louis was having a child of his own. I knew Lucy had no idea what any of that meant and that whatever she wanted to talk to him about had nothing to do with that. But since that announcement he’d been more eager than usual to talk to me. I could tell he was apprehensive if not even a little bit scared. Louis was the partier of the group, always out in clubs having a good time being 23 years old. And I could tell that he was having a hard time reconciling that life with being a father. He was also curious to know about Lucy’s father.
Lucy’s father was an enigma to most of them. I didn’t talk about him. Ever. Not even to Niall. I knew that drove Niall crazy. He and I had no secrets and the fact that I had told him virtually nothing about the man who fathered the light of my life made him jumpy even if he never admitted it. When Lucy had been born, I left the field where her father’s name would have gone blank. If I had it my way he would never know about her and she would never know about him. It may have been irresponsible of me to keep her from him, but I figured with Niall, Harry and the other boys around she had enough of a male role model in her life that her father being around wouldn’t be a necessity.
I could tell Louis wanted to ask more in depth questions but he wasn’t about to do it here with all the other boys around. I felt his hand on the small of my back as he gestured at me to follow him to a quieter corner. When we were safely out of earshot, he cleared his throat,
“If you’re free tonight…..I’d like to…..I mean if it’s ok and it doesn’t bother Lucy or anything…..” He took another breath, “Can I come over and talk? I mean it wouldn’t-“
“Louis….” I interrupted, a reassuring smile stretching across my face, “You can come over whenever you like. Lucy loves you and she’s never bothered when you come around.”
He smiled, a smile of relief. I could tell he was on edge,
“Thanks. How’s half seven?”
I nodded,
“Perfect. She’s usually in bed by 8….she can have some time with you and then we can talk.”
He breathed a sigh of relief,
“Thanks Em.”
“No problem.”

The bell on my front door rang right at half seven on the dot. Louis wasn’t usually so punctual so I could easily tell he was serious about this conversation. I still didn’t know what Lucy had spoken to him about earlier but I wasn’t bothered by it either. I knew I’d find out eventually. I let Louis in, catching him in a quick hug before he turned to Lucy and picked her up. She smiled, “Mumma, Lou said I could come see the baby.” I looked at Louis with my eyebrows raised. He shrugged, “I tried to explain to her what was happening. I’m not sure she got it.”
Louis spent the next half hour with Lucy. I left them alone. I wanted him to know that it wasn’t as scary as he was picturing it. Lucy had been declaring herself self-sufficient since she was 3 years old. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d been told she could do it herself. I let him put her to sleep, smiling to myself as I listened to him read her a Dr. Seuss book. Harry would flip his shit if he knew there were any Dr. Seuss books in this house but I figured he deserved it after throwing my food away.
Louis walked out of the room, staring back at her for a few moments before he turned to look at me, “She’s so fantastic, Em.” I smiled and walked towards the kitchen,
“Thanks. Want some coffee?” Louis followed me into the brightly lit kitchen. I handed him a cup of coffee and joined him at the kitchen table. I pulled my knee up to my chest and wrapped my arm around it, sitting back against the chair, “So….what do you need to talk about? I mean….my 4 year old is great and all but I know you didn’t just come over here to put her to bed for the night.” Louis set the mug down on the table, both of his hands staying on it as he toyed with his fingers for a few moments. I could hear the gears in his head turning. I had an inkling of what he wanted to discuss but I wasn’t one to assume things. The last time I assumed I knew what someone wanted to talk about Zayn ended up leaving the band.
He looked up at me, “Were you scared when you first learned you were pregnant?” I nodded, “Terrified. I didn’t know what I was gonna do.” “When did you stop being scared?” he asked. I smiled, “I’ll let you know.” Louis’ eyes widened in shock, “Really?” I laughed through my nose, “Lou….what’s this all about?”
He stared down at his mug again and took a deep breath, “Lucy’s father wants nothing to do with her?” He finally asked, a slight tone of apprehension in his voice. I could tell he wasn’t sure how the question was going to be met. Was I going to punch him? Order him out of my house? Burst into tears? It was well known in our circle that Lucy’s father was a taboo subject.
While I would’ve liked to have gotten angry and demand he leave, I couldn’t. Louis wasn’t the malicious type. He wasn’t asking to catalog it in his brain under unflattering things about me, he was asking to help himself make a decision. I knew that whatever was said in this room, would never leave his mouth. I shrugged, “When I told him he didn’t seem to care”, to which he replied “So he knows she exists?” “I don’t know. I think he assumes I got rid of her”, I answered.
Louis studied my face closely, “Does Niall know this?” I shook my head, “No. No one does. If Niall knew about it, he’d hunt for the guy. As far as Niall or anyone else knows, I never told the father about her.” “But you did?” he asked.
I nodded. I was lying of course. I’d never told Lucy’s father about her. To this day he had no idea. I don’t know why I’d chosen to lie to Louis, maybe because I knew what he was fishing for and I wanted to let him know that skipping out on his kid was definitely NOT the way to go. I leaned forward, “Louis…..I know what you’re thinking. Don’t do it.”
He stared back at me and I could tell he was trying to decide how he was going to react. Would he admit that he’d entertained the idea of writing a check to the mother and disappearing? To be honest, I’d have been more shocked if he hadn’t. He finally let out a deep sigh, “Em…my life-“ he began. “Your life is crazy and unpredictable and out of control a lot of the time….but you will never regret anything more than running out on your child.” I leaned back, “And Lucy has been around you guys since birth. She’s handled it just fine.” He ran a hand through his hair, “I dunno how to…..BE a dad.”
“Well, I’d say the first step is sticking around. After that, the rest just kind of figures itself out.” He nodded, “Yeah.” I shrugged, “Imagine….for just one moment, that your child is as fantastic as Lucy is. Look how much you love her. How considerate you are of her. That will increase exponentially when the child is your own. Would you want to deny yourself knowing Lucy if she was yours?”
He thought for a moment and then shook his head, “No. You’re absolutely right. If Lucy was mine, I would want to know her.” I blinked a few times. The way he’d chosen to word that sentence hit me harder than it should have. I’d always been so resolute in my decision not to tell Lucy’s father about her. But hearing Louis say he would have wanted to know her if she was his was unexpected. He knitted his brows as he looked at me. I’d obviously let something pass across my face,
“You ok, Em?” He asked. I quickly nodded and waved my hand, “Yeah….just tired. Got a long day tomorrow. You guys have rehearsals all day right?” Louis nodded, watching as I stood up and put my mug in the sink. I stared down at the water filling it up and then spilling out over the edges. I needed to get a grip and quickly before he started to ask more questions.
Thankfully Louis seemed to be much too wrapped up in his own head trip to recognize that I was currently having one of my own. He set his mug next to mine in the sink and kissed my cheek, “Thanks, Em. You’re the best. See you tomorrow.” I nodded, “Yeah. Let me know if you need anything else” I called out, letting the relief wash over me when I heard the front door close. I shut the water off and braced myself against the counter, staring down into the stainless steel of the sink as the emotions washed over me.

Notes