Fool's Gold

Louis glared at me as he opened the door to Harry's hotel suite. I could see the fear and anger in his eyes. I wanted to be there sooner but Charles was determined not to let me walk out.
"Louis, don't. I'm exhausted." I grunted at his angry grey eyes. Charles and I had been screaming and fighting all night long. I wanted to ask Harry to come save me from Charles' hateful, degrading words but I knew that he was too drunk and I didn't want the other boys involved. They had been put through enough keeping mine and Harry's secret.
"Who's fault is that?" Louis replied lowly, moving so I couldn't get into the room. I pushed past him roughly. I knew that he didn't understand what I had gone through over night. There was no way he ever could. I had never told Louis the full extent of Charles' kindly nature and I made Harry promise to never say a word about it as well. I knew that he just didn't understand. I tried not to be angry but I needed to get to Harry. I needed to tell him everything.
"Where is he, Niall?" I asked of the one person who wouldn't ignore me. Niall didn't understand what Harry and I had been going through with Charles either but he said he saw the love in mine and Harry's eyes and that was all he needed. Niall supported us completely all the time.
"Bed. He's not moved once. He refused to sleep until you got here." Niall answered. I nodded and walked toward the bedroom. "E, please be careful with him. He loves you so much." Niall pleaded when I placed my hand on the door handle. I nodded and entered the bedroom quietly.
Harry sat straight up on the bed staring out the window. But to me it looked like wasn't looking at anything. His eyes were glazed over. His face was expressionless. He wasn't really there. He was in his own world.
"Harry?" I murmured closing the door. He didn't move. He didn't answer. "Baby?' Still nothing. "Bear?" Finally, he looked up at me. I smiled weakly, "Hey baby." His eyes went back to the window. I bit down on my lip and held back tears. His eyes looked dead. They were dark green instead of the vibrant emerald I usually saw. I made my way to his side, wanting the comfort of his embrace."Oh baby." I whimpered. "Look at this." I tried to place my hand on his face but he recoiled from me. "Does it hurt?" I asked of the cut on his lip. He didn't speak to me. He had every right to be angry. I needed him to speak to me though. "Bear, please talk to me." I begged.
"Don't call me that." He grumbled. I could hear the sadness and anger within his voice.
"What? You love it." I was stunned by his response. It stung to hear him in such a mood, especially when I had something so wonderful to tell him. "Baby, what's wrong?" I asked quietly.
"Stop calling me bear." I opened my mouth to protest. "And don't call me baby." He snapped.
"Will you please talk to me? I can't make it better if you don't talk to me!" I cried not liking his demeanor.
"You can't make it better, Enola." His voice went monotone.
"Why not? I love you, Harry. There isn't anything that I wouldn't do to make this right." I whimpered.
"You don't love me enough to leave him." Harry stated standing from the bed. I felt as though my jaw was on the floor. "I can't keep doing this. I need to be with someone who can be with me. I love you, more than anything in this world. More than this dream I am living with the boys." His head dropped and he struggled for the words, "But you don't love me like that."
"Is that what you think?" I asked completely flabbergasted. I was starting to get angry. I was here. I was trying to start the life we'd planned over the last few months.
"Admit it, Enola! You never loved me! You just wanted to play with fire. You wanted to see how much you could fucking get away with." He snapped at me.
"And you didn't!" I shouted back at him, jumping up from the bed as well. How dare he say that to me. "I was the one who tried to leave. Three times I said I would walk away for your benefit! I said I would leave you be until my divorce was final. But no. You just had to have this relationship. You had to do this." I replied.
"You know what, you're right. I did have to have you. But you didn't let me have all of you. You never did. You hide things from me. You lie to me. Maybe Louis was right about you!" Harry's voice was filled with fury.
"Louis was right? You're such a...seriously Harry! I hide shit from you that you don't need to know. Things I don't want you to beat yourself up over. Things you and I have no control over." I yelled. Harry glared at me and folded his arms over his chest. "What? You wanted me to call you at two am to tell you that Charles fucked me so hard that I couldn't sit? That I had bruises on my legs and shoulders? Is that what you wanted me to tell you? That's what you want me to say to you when we missed each other so much?" I snapped quietly at Harry. I didn't want the boys, who I knew were listening, to hear the admission. "I do what I have to do to protect you while I work on getting out." I stated a bit quieter.
"You didn't have to have sex with him. You could've said no. I told you how many times that I would help you. That you could just come with me. You never had to go home. I said I would take care of you. And I meant it. I would never keep you from working or anything like that. But you always told me no. What does is that supposed to tell me? That you don't love me. That you had no intention of leaving him." Harry spoke a bit softer this time, but not by much. "And it's not just the things with Charles that you lie about. You lied about your dad."
"Harry, I don't like my dad. I don't get along with the man and the entire situation hurts to talk about." I sighed not liking that he was bringing the topic up. It had nothing to do with us.
"Yeah, but you can't trust me enough, love me enough to tell me that? You know that I would never push or make you speak to him if you didn't want to. I just want the truth Enola. That's all I ever wanted, the fucking truth!" He snapped at me once again.
"Harry, I love you. You know I do. I love you more than anything." I pleaded.
"How can you say that you love me when a whole year went by and...and I.." Harry sighed heavily and dropped his eyes from mine. "I didn't want to say all of that last night. I didn't. But how am I supposed to believe that you love me when I can't hold you in the street. When I can't kiss you when we go out. I have been waiting for it for year."
"Harry, but you did do all of that. We held each other in the streets of Venice. We kissed every time we could at the opera. Paris. We did that in Paris." I stated trying to sway his mind away from what I didn't want. But ultimately, I knew what was coming. I heard it in his voice. I saw it in his eyes, in the tear slipping down his cheek. I saw it coming the day I met him.
"Just tell me you don't love me. Be honest with me and yourself. You never loved me." Harry spoke so calmly for what he was doing. "You thought that meeting me in Italy would be the end of it. You said yourself, you never planned on telling me that you were married. You can't love me, Enola." My breathing was starting to become uneven. "Tell me you don't love me so I can go on with my life." I dropped my head. I loved the man in front of me more than my own life. But he deserved someone he could trust, someone he'd never have to doubt. He deserved so much better than me. He deserved the whole world. If I couldn't be the person he could always count on, the person he'd never have to wonder about, I couldn't possibly love him. If I couldn't let him be happy, I didn't love him.
"If that's what you need to hear." I began sadly. I felt as though I were dying already. I didn't want to leave but I knew it was the best thing for Harry.
"Don't say it that way. Don't. Say it like you mean it. Say it so I'll believe you." Harry begged. I struggled with the thought of doing it. He was the one person I never wanted to hurt. He was the reason I was so full of life again. I couldn't say I didn't love him. I stepped closer to him, cradling his head in my hands. I rested my forehead on his.
"You are a beautiful man, inside and out. You have so much love to give the world. And I hope you meet someone who can see the love that you've shown me, even if it's just a fraction of it. I hope you find so much happiness in this life Harry Styles." He gripped my wrists tightly. I took in a deep breath. The words that were about to come out of my mouth were the last ones I ever wanted to say, but I had to. He needed life without me. "I'm sorry. I can't love you the way that you want me to." My heart shattered into a million pieces as he started to cry. I tried my hardest to keep my tears from falling. He couldn't see them. He couldn't see that I was dying on the inside, speaking these words to him. "Goodbye, Harry." I pressed my lips to his forehead firmly. I couldn't leave without feeling his skin on my lips one last time. I released his tear streaked face. As I looked into his eyes for the last time, I saw the spark in him that I had fallen in love with extinguish. I turned my back to him. I heard him trying to breathe as I reached for the door handle. I looked down to see my own shaking hands. My vision was blurred by the tears threatening to fall. I opened the door and as I stepped out whole world came crashing down. I closed the door gently.
The moment the latch clicked. I heard Harry drop to the floor and start sobbing. I rested my head on the door and tried to keep my composure. I just lost my everything. I wanted to fall to the floor as well but I knew that if I did, Harry would come out of his room and try to apologize. Harry would try to make me stay. As much as I wanted him for the rest of my life, the way we had planned on it being, I knew that it just couldn't happen. I knew that I had tempted the fates with all that I was asking for. I'd done this to myself and no one else was to blame for the heartache that I was feeling.
"E?" Niall's voice broke. I turned to the boys. My eyes giving away what had just happened. "Enola?" Niall spoke again. I saw in his eyes that he was hurting for the both of us. I looked to Louis with a bit of hopefulness, even though his eyes were angry and sad. Everyone in the room now knew that I wasn't staying with Harry. I felt even more horrible because they thought that I was leaving him to stay with my husband.
"Please take care of him." I murmured, a tear finally slipping down my face. The boys all nodded. I tried to smile but my bottom lip was shaking too much. I lifted my hand up as to say goodbye. I headed for the main door. Louis rushed into Harry's bedroom. I felt my heart evicerating in my chest hearing Harry's broken, body wracking sobs. I inhaled deeply and walked out of the hotel room. The love of my life was gone. I'd lost everything.

Notes