Love Ridden

I was out with a group of my best friends when Niall sat down at the table with a smile radiating from his face.

He looked happy.
Almost too happy.
Not that I would ever tell him that. Ever.

I love to see Niall happy, but tonight I knew the reason for that happiness. And I could feel it trying to suffocate me.

"Guys!" He practically yelled, making everyone’s heads turn to face him. "She’s on her way!"

Most of our friends ‘Ooo’ed’ and ‘Ahh’ed’ while I just sat there trying my best not to lose my dinner.

This was not the path that I would have chosen, you know? Did I want to be in love with a man that only saw me as his best friend? His sounding board? His constant go to for everything that wasn’t what a girlfriend could give him? Do you know how hard it is to listen to the man you dream about sing the praises of someone who is not you?

Well, I do. And this girl was no different. Yet somehow she was. Because Niall was introducing her to us. That in itself was a big deal. It meant that he saw this relationship going somewhere, somewhere where his worlds would intermingle, where they would collide. It meant that this girl was a big deal. Someone must have pointed that out because I could hear him explaining just that.

"…Yeah…she just seems special..ya know?" He shrugged and dipped his head down, exactly what he always did when he was slightly embarrassed.

I felt my heart being squeezed by a fist that didn’t belong to me. I felt the fingernails of a girl I had never even met digging into my chest. I looked up into the eyes of the only other person who knew what kind of war was going on inside me. She looked sad. I knew she was pitying me.

But who am I kidding?! I was pitying me! My own pity party was so big it was threatening to swallow me whole.

I could not let that happen.

Instead, I rallied myself. Slamming my hand on the table, I called out. “I believe such a momentous occasion calls for shots, my friends.” This was met with cheers by the people surrounding me, the people I loved more than anything. “Bartender! Your finest Irish whiskey for the Irish lad please!” I put my hand to the side of my mouth, mock whispering, “And a round of the cheaper stuff for us…”
I looked up to see Niall laughing at me, a wide smile across his face. This was something he did often and something that I particularly enjoyed about our friendship. We laughed a lot and mainly over nothing. The best kind of laughs to have really.

I tried not to think of how this new development would change our relationship. Change it yet again. Because let’s be honest, how many girls want their boyfriends to have a female best friend? In my experience, the answer is not many.

I become someone who he calls less and less frequently. Someone who he starts to see only with the rest of the group. Someone who he invites over when she is not there. I become the other woman who isn’t really the other woman at all. I’m just the girl that she doesn’t want him to hang out with because of so many reasons I’ve lost count.

I look across this table at the face of the man who not only is the person I believe to be the love of my life, but who is also the one being who truly gets me.

And it takes everything I have, not to outwardly cringe knowing that soon everything will change.

I raise my glass.
I cheers with the rest of them.
I enjoy the burning of the liquid as it races down my throat. I think to myself that the only way to get through this night is more alcohol. I raise my hand and motion to the bartender for another.

Just the beginning of a long night.

Notes