Blue

The day we’d both been dreading dawned bright and warm, a distinct opposite to how Harry and I were feeling. We’d laid in bed all morning, just talking and touching, until he made love to me; tenderly and slowly. His lips stayed planted on mine or on my neck and his arms cradled me against him. We’d had a lot of sex in the two weeks we’d been together, but the way he looked at me, the way he held me, made it the best sex I’d ever had. Ever.

And then, when we’d finished and he’d caught his breath, I burst into tears. Smooth, Delany. Always super elegant.

“Baby, hey.” He planted his hands into the mattress, scooting backwards and upwards into a sitting position, and wrapped me in his arms. “Laney love, don’t cry. It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, Hazza.” I buried my face in his shoulder, kissing the salty skin on his neck from his sweat. “I’m just going to miss you and…and…it’s so real right now. I’ve spent two weeks pretending it wasn’t going to happen. Now I’m completely bummed and my nose is running and I’m an unattractive hot mess.”

He held me against him, rubbing his hand up and down my back. “You’re anything but unattractive, baby girl. I don’t want you to leave—I want you to stay with me forever. But, it’s only two weeks and then you’ll be on a plane to be with me in Japan. I’m gonna kiss you so hard at the airport that it’ll take your breath away.”

I giggled; a horrible sounding, snurfy, snotty, gaspy noise that made it sound like I had a sinus infection. Eh, sometimes I managed to be so attractive.

He didn’t seem to notice, his arms tightening around me. “Besides, if you keep crying like that, you’re going to make me cry.”

I looked up at him. His green eyes were red rimmed and filled with tears; with his messy curls and his full lips, he looked like a lost little boy. I pressed my hands to his cheeks and kissed him. “You know that saying, ‘Be happy it happened, not sad it’s over’ or some shit like that? It’s fucking bullshit because I feel like my heart is breaking.”

He tilted my chin up and stared into my eyes, cradling my face with his hand. “This isn’t over, baby girl. I promise you. I’m devoted to you and our relationship and making this work, no matter often we’re apart. Look at Liam and Sophia—it’s just about the same situation and they make it work for them. I want to be your last, Laney: your last boyfriend, your last lover, your last everything. You’ve showed me it’s okay to let my guard down, to just be myself and love you with no regrets. And I do. You have no idea how much.”

I nuzzled against him, gently pressing my lips to his. “I love you Hazza.”

“I love you, baby girl.”

####

It was a good thing I had next to no clothes with me, as Harry and I waited until the last possible second to start getting ready to head to the airport. He insisted I take his black t-shirt with me, so I could sleep in it and think of him, so I wore it and a pair of flared, faded jeans. It was going to be colder in Pennsylvania than in California. How thrilling.

He sat crossed-legged on the bed and watched me French braid my hair in pigtails on either side of my head, pulling my shorter bangs to the side and pinning them as a side part. I picked up my zip top bag full of important toiletries—mascara, toothpaste, liquid eyeliner, deodorant—and zipped it in the front pocket of my carryon. I sighed. “I’m fairly sure that’s everything. I was naked ninety percent of the time, so unless I left a pair of underwear somewhere completely random here, I’m packed.”

Harry held up his cell phone. “Take picture with me, baby girl.”

I crawled up onto the bed next to him, laying back against the pillows. He snuggled down next to me, holding the camera up above us. “Smile first. I need a nice one for my mum.”

“There’s nothing weird about that at all.”

He laughed, snapping a picture of us with our faced pressed together. “Well, she asked to see a picture of you, Laney love. She’s curious about my blue haired mystery girl, too.”

“My mother long ago stopped being surprised at anything I do. She’ll be more concerned if I brushed and flossed while I was here in California because, and I quote, ‘Your father and I paid nearly nine thousand dollars to put braces on your teeth and that’s investment I expect to see you take care of for the rest of your life.’ She got really mad when I told her it would be easier for me to take care of my teeth if they were dentures and I could just take them out and floss them on the table.”

He started laughing again, that beautiful ‘ha ha ha ha’ laugh that I’d come to adore. We took several more pictures: silly ones of us making faces or trying to look serious (he was far better at this than me, with his sexy, smolder and ridiculous cheekbones/jawline), and even a few of us just kissing or about to kiss. He then texted them to me; they were adorable.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again. Fuck, I was going to miss him. I was not used to being this girl; I was an independent woman. I was a honey who was making money and buying my own shit and doing my thing. But Harry…Harry and I worked. We were partners in crime, we were best friends; we understood each other. Whether we were having sex on the marble topped island in his kitchen, or just lying in his yard staring up at the stars—I felt a connection to him. I’d read a quote in one of my early lit classes that described my Harry better than anything could: “It was rather beautiful: the way he put her insecurities to sleep. The way he dove into her eyes and starved all the fears and tasted all the dreams she kept coiled beneath her bones.” Two weeks was going to feel like two lifetimes.

He tucked the freshly printed boarding pass into my hand. “Here you are, lovely. I got you nonstop because, honestly, who enjoys sitting in the airport with nothing to do? Do you still have the confirmations for your Tokyo flight?”

I nodded. “I set an alarm on my phone for exactly twenty-four hours before so I can print the boarding passes out the second I can. When I get home, I’ll start evaluating cute outfits to bring with me.”

“I’m perfectly content when you’re naked.”

I giggled, carefully tucking my boarding pass into my carryon. I glanced at it again, raising my eyebrows at Harry. “First class?”

“Harry Styles’ blue haired mystery girl doesn’t sit in coach.” He pressed his lips to my forehead. “Don’t get used to it though.”

“Do tell.”

“When you travel with me, you’ll travel in a private jet.” He paused, his eyes widening. “Baby girl, do you know why ducks don’t tell jokes when they fly?”

“Umm…..no.”

“Because they would quack up.” He burst out laughing. “Get it? Quack up!”

“Omg, Hazza.”

He laughed again, taking my carryon from me and setting it on the floor. His brow furrowed, his eyes intense, and he turned serious, pulling me into his arms. Steadying my chin in his hand, he locked his eyes on mine. “I want to say our goodbyes now, since I can’t see you off at the gate.”

Tears pricked the back of my eyes; I fought them back. “Okay.”

“How lucky I am to have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard.” He pulled me into a tight hug, cradling me in his arms. His broad shoulders and the height difference between us enveloped me in comfort. I forced myself to keep breathing, to focus on my shaky inhales and exhales so I didn’t break down again. It was only two weeks. I could manage two weeks.

He cupped my cheeks in his hands and pulled my mouth to his, kissing me deeply. “Do you even realize how amazing you are to me?”

“Hazza.” Heat rushed to my cheeks and I bit back my tears again; touching my forehead to his. “I’m going to miss everything about you, Hazza. Your smile. The way you hold me. Laughing and fucking and sleeping and eating and breathing and everything. Maybe not your jokes though…”

“Hey!” He dipped me backwards and down, covering my throat with kisses. “My jokes are funny. And you, Laney love, are my world.”

####

The airport was as congested as I remembered it was when we flew in for Susanna’s wedding. It was hard to believe that was already over two weeks ago. I hadn’t heard a syllable from any of the girls other than Vi, which was probably a good thing, so hopefully that meant I was out of the sorority. Was there a formal process for this? Did you unpledged or do they just ceremoniously burn you in effigy? Eh, I’d find out soon enough. And really, who fucking cared?

Harry’s fingers were laced tightly around mine as he maneuvered his Ranger Rover towards the terminal. He sighed deeply, gently squeezing my hand. “So…this is just about it, lovely. Call me when you land, okay? Let me know you make it back safely. I’ll probably text you a hundred times before then.”

My mouth ran dry and suddenly, I had the horrible, inexcusable feeling I was going to throw up. A lump, knitted out of anxiety and sorrow, hand firmly knitted itself in the base of my throat. I remember these feeling; that prickling, slinking feeling of abandonment. I’d felt it when my mom dropped me off at gymnast summer camp when I was eight. I’d felt it sitting on my porch steps when I was four, flipping through my preschool reader and looking at pictures of Spot the dog, while waiting for my parents—my dead parents—to come home and open the door. But I wasn’t little girl lost anymore. I was in love with a curly haired boy…and I couldn’t imagine how hard the next two weeks would be.

He pulled the SUV to the Delta departures and along the sidewalk, throwing the gear into park. Tugging my hand, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tightly, burying his face against my neck. “Oh, baby girl. I’m going to miss you so, so much.”

“I love you, Hazza.” I took a deep breath, inhaling the musky smell of his cologne. I wanted to savor this moment forever; to be missing him in the next weeks and think back to this, with the mindset the memory of his arms around me would satiate my yearning for him.

He pulled away a little, crushing his lips to mine. “And I love you, Laney. You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known—and even that is an understatement.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks and I kissed him again. I couldn’t speak; I didn’t trust myself to be able to say something coherent without bursting into tears. The thought of leaving him was devastating. This was my own personal hell.

“Two weeks.” He dragged the back of his wrist across his eyes, wiping away the tears that had spilled from his eyes. “Skin. Sheets. Kisses. I’m going to text you that every night.”

“If you don’t have time to call when you’re in Osaka, I totally understand.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, baby girl. That’ll be the most important thing of my day.” He pressed his lips to mine and then dropped his hand to my ass, squeezing it gently. “Go on, lovely. The longer you stay, the more I want you to stay with me forever.”

I kissed him a final time and then reached down for my carryon, pulling the strap over my shoulder. “I’ll call you when I land.”

“You’d better.” He smiled weakly, his jaw tightening as his eyes filled with fresh tears. “I’ll see you in two weeks, Laney. I love you.”

“I love you, Hazza.” I opened the passenger side door and slid out of the car, gently closing it behind me and waving at him a final time. My gut bottomed out. For the first time in two weeks, we were apart.

And with that, I turned my back and walked into the terminal. I didn’t want him to see me burst into tears.

Notes

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