Life After You
As Long As I'm Laughing With You
Once again I found myself driving alone along the road in a rainstorm. Ahead of me the clouds seemed to grow darker, the rain fell harder and faster, thunder boomed, and lightning struck. As weird as it sounds, I found myself at peace in storms no matter how severe they were. It might seem crazy and absurd, but to me a storm like this was just a tiny drop of water in the crazy ocean I lived in. Being the youngest member of a famous boy band had its ups and its downs, but mostly downs lately. In some ways my life was just like a rainstorm. I feel like the bigger the band got, the more rumors seemed to surface, getting worse each time just like the full on storm. I also like to think of it as the dark clouds trying to take over the place of light and direction we were headed in, which clouded our judgment at times. The rain reminded me of the tears we all shed, happy and sad, throughout the years we’ve spent on the road. Lately it seems like I’ve been the only one crying and it’s been happening more often. My life isn’t all that bad though. I look at the thunder and lightning as the best part of it all. It reminds me of getting on stage every night. Once that spotlight hits us and the roar of the crowd increases, everything seems to go away for a while. Just hearing the screams brought a smile across my face when I didn’t feel like I wanted to smile.
As I thought about this, a smile began to form on my face. I continued along the long, narrow road just thinking about the good times I had on tour. One of them stood out the most to me, the day I met Her.
Flashback
We were just getting back from a concert in California, our last concert to be exact, and I was extremely exhausted. I quickly ran up the stairs of the home I bought six months ago for when we were in the States. I changed into my pajamas, and tried to get some sleep after the long day I had. With no luck after an hour of sitting in my bed, I decided to go out for a walk. I changed into some sweatpants and a jumper and threw on my tennis shoes. I didn’t know where I was headed; I just let my feet take me wherever they lead me. A few minutes later, I began to feel my feet sink into something. I stopped and lifted my head up. Turns out, my feet lead me to the ocean a few blocks from my house. I began walking along the shoreline when I saw a figure in the distance. As I got closer, I noticed it was a girl sitting with her knees pulled into her chest, just staring out into the ocean. I took off my socks and shoes and silently walked beside her and sat down. She didn’t even bother to turn her head, shift her body, or speak a word as I looked at her. Just as I was about to stand up and leave, she spoke.
“You know, sometimes I pray to be like the ocean with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more I want the consistency rather than the highs and lows though” she said.
“What do you mean by that” I asked her in interest.
“I mean that sometimes I just want my life to go smoothly with that occasional bump in the road. I just want to know what to expect and just go along with it instead of being really happy one minute then down in the dumps the next. I want everything to be the same day by day so I won’t get hurt again” she said looking at me for the first time.
“Oh” was all I managed to say.
After a minute of awkward silence I grabbed the courage to ask her something I probably shouldn’t have asked her.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”
For a couple of seconds she was quiet, but then took in a deep breath and let it out.
“My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. He told me he was going to hang with the guys, but I caught them kissing while they were having lunch together”
“Well I’m sorry to hear that. My hearts been broken before also. The girl I’ve dated for two years cheated on me with my best friend and left me for him. I actually thought we were going to last forever, but I guess she didn’t”
“Wow, that really blows”
“It does, but I got through it. I know this is probably a dumb question, but are you going to be okay? I mean, it doesn‘t look like you’re going to be fine anytime soon”
“I’m fine, really” she said looking back out at the water.
“Are you sure” I asked her because the look on her face was unsure.
“No, I just tell myself that to get me through the day” she replied with a small smile.
“Well I know how to bring your spirits up”
“Oh yeah, how’s that” she asked.
I got up and splashed water on her and quickly began to run away. I laughed as she opened her mouth in disbelief before getting up and chasing after me.
“When I catch you, you are so dead” she screamed after me.
“Only if you can catch me” I said while laughing.
It felt like I was running forever, but in reality it was only a minute before I stopped. She quickly caught up to me and tackled me to the ground. We began to roll around as she tried to attack me. Suddenly I felt a rush of cold take over my body and liquid surrounding me. She let go of me and I began to swim to the top of the surface. When I got there I didn’t see her. I looked around frantically, but there was no sight of her. All of a sudden, I felt something on my ankles and I was dragged underneath the water once again. This time when I came up, I saw her swimming back to shore laughing. I followed in pursuit as she reached the shore. Once I was out of the water, I walked over to her and sat down beside her.
“You were right” she said while looking at the sky.
“About what” I questioned not really knowing what she had me to thank for.
“About that helping me. I do feel better now. Thank you. For helping me get through this when you didn’t have to”
“It’s no problem love. I love helping people when they need a pick me up” I said.
For a while we just sat there and looked at the stars and the moon. It was getting a little late and chilly, seeing as we were wet from head to toe.
“We should head back. It’s getting late and quite frankly, I’m cold” I said as I stood up and extended my hand for her to take.
“That sounds like a good idea” she said taking my hand as we walked back to where we met and got our things.
“Do you mind if I walk you home” I asked politely.
“It’s fine. I live a few minutes from here” she said and began to walk.
“I don’t think so. I’m not going to let a lady walk alone at this time of night even if she lives two seconds away”
“Fine. Come on” she said and led the way to her house.
It turns out she did live a few minutes away from the beach and she lived around the corner from me. I walked her to her porch and waited for her to go inside. To my surprise she just stood there. She turned around and looked at me with a sincere smile on her face.
“Thank you. I really appreciate everything you did for me-”
“Harry”
“Harry. I had a really nice time. I‘m Jenna by the way”
“Well I’m glad you enjoyed yourself Jenna. Goodnight”
“Night” she said and walked inside her house.
With a smile plastered on my face, I walked away.
End Flashback
As the memory of her faded, I felt a huge pang in my heart. At first I didn’t know why I felt it, but then Jenna’s face appeared in front of me. I knew I made a mistake and I was accepting the fact that it was my fault. I began to turn around to tell her that what I did was wrong. Suddenly, smoke began to come out of the hood of the car and I slowly came to a stop. I balled my hands into fists and placed them on my face. I smashed my hands on the steering wheel in frustration. Looking to the side of me, I realized I was only 10 miles away from her.
There were no cars on the road considering it was almost 2 in the morning and I had taken the back roads. I debated on waiting to see if a car would show up but decided against it. I wasn’t going to wait around while the love of my life was just 10 miles away from me, 10 miles too far from where she should be.
Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Without hesitating I grabbed my cell phone, my wallet, my keys, and threw my hoodie on. I knew I had to go make things right with Jenna and a little rain and a broken down car ten miles away wasn’t going to stop me. I quickly got out of the car and began to run.
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'
I ran and ran through the rain, determined to get to her. As I ran in the direction of her house, more things about her flooded my mind. I could picture everything about her clearly. Her beautiful brown eyes with that loving look inside of them, her smile that always seemed to make me happy, her hair that flowed in the wind, and her laugh, oh her laugh was the best thing about her. Every time I heard it, it brought a smile to my face and butterflies to my stomach. The more I thought about her, the more I started to remember the good times we shared.
There was the time we went to the park and skated all day while getting to know one another, the time I won her a giant teddy bear at the fair, oh, and the time I surprised her with an infinity ring. Each and every one of those times had one thing in common, laughter. Not only laughter from her, but from me as well. We were so happy together back then. All I wanted right now was to be with her again, to live a life with happy times. I just wanted to be able to laugh with her once more.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
As I ran and got closer and closer to her, I remembered the reason I was running in the first place. It was my fault that we weren’t together, it was my fault she’d been so unhappy and was crying, and it was my fault that my heart as well as hers ached the way they did. Everything seemed to be my fault. The more I ran, the clearer the memory in my head became and suddenly, the day I walked out entered my mind.
Flashback
We just got off of our tour with Cher Lloyd and were headed back home. I was on the bus with Cher and her family; turns out they were renting a house just a few houses down from us. I had to admit, it was nice getting to know her and her family and hang out with someone my own age for once. She was a very laid back and down-to-earth kind of girl who loved to ride horses and go out for hikes. Most girls hated to get dirty and always wanted to do things like shop, but not her. She was different and I enjoyed that about her. I was looking at her closely; whenever she listened to someone intently, she rested her head on her chin, every time she smiled, her eyes would twinkle, and whenever she felt comfortable, she would sigh and tuck a piece of stray hair behind her ear, all things that Jenna did.
My gaze was broken when I heard her excuse us and she grabbed my hand, leading me to the back of the bus. We both sat on the couch side by side. I watched as she grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channels, trying to find something good to put on. She settled on The Notebook five minutes later. I didn’t like anyone knowing that I actually liked chick flicks and romance movies, but when Jenna came around, my pride flew out the window. Not too long into the movie, she settled into my side and instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her frame. It was so weird how much she resembled Jenna; she had the same sparkling eyes, the same flowing hair, and the same adorable smile. If I didn’t know any better, I’d mistake her for Jenna every single time. As I thought about all of this, I noticed her looking up at me, the same way Jenna did and before I knew it, her lips were on mine. It took me a few seconds to register what was happening and when I did, I quickly pulled away.
I looked at her and she looked exactly like Jenna, but then I remembered the kiss; it was nothing like that of Jenna’s so I knew my eyes were fooling me. I shut my eyes tightly, put my hands to my face and tried to shake what had just happened from my mind. When I looked up, I saw Cher looking at me in confusion. I knew I had to explain my actions to her.
“I’m so sorry Cher, I just can’t do this. I have a girlfriend back at home. You’re a wonderful girl and I enjoyed getting to know you, but this is wrong. I’m sorry if I strung you along and made you believe something that just isn’t true; you just remind me so much of her and seeing as we haven’t seen each other in 3 months, I let myself believe that you were her. I’m really sorry” I said before getting off of the couch and going back to the rest of the family.
***
It was the Saturday after the whole Cher incident. I had to admit, it was nice spending time with her and having someone around all of the time, but things are not the same after what happened between us.
Jenna didn’t know that we were coming home a week early; I wanted to surprise her for her birthday so I made sure that nobody told her, especially Louis. Her parents were throwing her a surprise party for her 19th birthday and me being there was also supposed to be a surprise for her. I’ve been waiting for this night for more than a month, but today I just didn’t feel the excitement I had before and the next 30 seconds didn’t make it any better.
A sullen look came across my face after I saw a text from Cher.
I’m really sorry about the other night, but I couldn’t help myself. I’ve had feelings for you since we started rehearsing for the tour and I wish there could be something more between us … a deeper connection if you know what I mean ;)
At this point, I didn’t know what to do; I loved Jenna so much, but Cher draws me to her physically and the temptation was getting the best of me. So many things were racing through my mind at once and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I stormed up the stairs to my room and plopped onto my bed. I took my iPod off of my nightstand and fell asleep as the sound of The Beatles flooded my ears and my thoughts.
When I woke up 3 and a half hour later, I realized I had overslept and was late for Jenna’s party. I picked up the phone and called her mom to let her know that I was running late and that I would be there soon. Once I got off of the phone, I jumped in the shower and raced to wash away the guilt and regret I was feeling. After 10 minutes of useless scrubbing, I hopped out and put on a blue button up shirt and my black dress pants and dress shoes. I left my hair the way it was and I grabbed my wallet, my keys, and my phone and I was out the door, racing to Jenna’s house.
As I approached her house, I picked up my phone to call her. I heard the other line ring 3 times before I heard someone answer.
“Hey Harry! What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it for your birthday. This tour is just so crazy.”
“It’s alright; you don’t have to worry about it. We can hang out when you get back.”
“That sounds great,” I said before ringing the bell.
“Hold on, there’s someone at my door” she said as I heard her get up from the couch.
As I waited for her to open the door and see the smile that I’ve longed to see, I felt guilty once more. Fortunately, that guilt was short lived when I heard her scream and felt her body against mine.
“I missed you so much babe. I love you” I exclaimed before taking her hand and walking her into her home.
For about an hour or so we talked about the tour and got to catch up on those 3 months that we missed sharing together. We were interrupted when her mom told us that it was time to cut the cake. We walked hand in hand into the kitchen and I watched intently as everyone around sang ‘Happy Birthday’. Once she blew out her candles, I headed to her back porch and sat on the porch swing. I knew I was alone outside for at least 10 minutes, just thinking about everything that happened within the week. It didn’t occur to me that someone had sat down beside me until I felt someone nudged at my leg.
“Hey babe, what’s going on?” Jenna asked me with a concerned look in her eyes.
“I just haven’t felt like myself lately.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t want to bring you down and ruin your special night.” I said as I turned my head and decided to look at a tree instead.
“It’s okay Harry. I told you that I’d be there for you whenever you needed someone so talk to me.”
“I don’t think that you’re the one I need to talk to right now though.”
“What do you mean?” she said as she pulled away from me a just a bit.
I took a deep breath and sighed before I continued.
“I just don’t know how I feel anymore. I mean I love you, but-” I said as I trailed off.
“But what?”
“But I think I need to get my feelings straight. I’m not being fair to you or to me and I don’t think that right now is our time. I don’t think that we’re right for each other and we’re both just wasting our time staying together.” I lied as I hung my head low.
She didn’t even speak a word after the things that I said to her, all I felt was the wind hitting the side of my face that she was previously on. I know that what I said wasn’t true, at least not all of it. I knew that we were meant to be and that we were meant for each other, but it was easier to tell her that we weren’t than to tell her that there was sort of someone else. I wanted to run after her, but it was already too late and something was just holding me back.
End Flashback
I thought about the day that I ended the relationship I had with Jenna and broke the only girl’s heart that mattered as I ran to her. It was burning in the back of my mind and it felt like whenever I was happy and content with the way things were, it came back full circle and reminded me that I shouldn’t be happy when she isn’t.
Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I know that I lied when I said you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
As I reached the 2 mile mark, I began reminiscing on all of the times we shared. It killed me to know that I ended it all because of feelings that I thought I had for Cher; short lived feelings might I add.
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you
Flashback
After breaking up with Jenna, I texted Cher letting her know that I was on my way over. Of course she was eager for me to come and told me that she’d be waiting. When I reached her house, she was waiting on her front steps for me. As I came closer, she engulfed me in a bone crushing hug and led me upstairs to her room. Just as my whole body entered her room, she closed her door and flung herself on me. Caught up in the moment, I went along with it. I lifted her up and carried her to the bed where we continued to caress each other and fight for dominance with our tongues. I had to admit that I was surprised at how good she tasted, it was a different taste than Jenna had and it intrigued me.
Cher wasn’t one of those girls that hid her sexuality and her promiscuity and right now I loved that. I needed something to ease the pain and she was the perfect solution. I started ripping off her clothes as she took off my shirt. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the red, lace bra and panties that she had on. It turned me on even more than I was before and I knew she could tell. I lowered my pants, wanting to give the impatient bulge in my pants some room to breathe. Our hips began to move hard and fast against each other. She knew what she was doing, there was no doubt about it, and I wanted to know what else she knew, but I stopped moving when I felt her hands slide between my boxers, trying to take them off.
“I don’t want this to be just sexual for us right now. I want you to say that you’ll be with me before anything else happens.”
“Of course I will.” She said before sliding her hand onto the throbbing piece of flesh that belonged to me and we went back to what we were doing before.
***
I woke up the next morning reflecting on the previous night. Nothing crazy happened, we just explored each other’s bodies; she gave me the most amazing hand job I’ve ever experienced and I made sure that my fingers pleasured her more than she ever has been. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard her voice ring through my ears.
“Even though we didn’t go all the way, you were amazing last night” she said with a smile on her face
“So were you.” I said with a chuckle
She laughed too and something in me just didn’t feel right. I’ve wanted to hear her laugh since that night on the bus, but now that I hear it, it didn’t feel right. Her laugh didn’t make me want to smile or to laugh along with her, it made me feel … disgusted; not with her, but with myself. I let the best girl that ever walked into my life slip away and now I had nothing to show for it, but someone that I could be momentarily pleasured by. When I thought about it, that’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted someone who could make me happy and make me smile and laugh without having to jump my bones … I wanted Jenna back.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
***
A week didn’t even pass before we broke up; apparently I wasn’t good enough for her so she moved on to some new guy. It’s not like I really even cared, to be honest, I was happy that she ended it because I didn’t know how much more I could take of her coming onto me every minute of every day. She was too aggressive for me, I was used to the calm and gentle nature of Jenna and I don’t think that anyone would be able to even compare to her. They may be able to fill in that missing piece for a few days, but they couldn’t permanently fill the void.
End Flashback
It’s been 6 months since Cher and I ended whatever we had and I’ve had that much time to reflect on the things that I screwed up during that time span. It seems like everything that has gone right in my life; I somehow managed to screw up. I remember those times when Jenna and I would go to the park and just sit on the swings and talk about the most pointless things and when we would go get ice cream whenever the other was feeling down. I also remember those days when we would just stay in and cuddle with one another, taking silly but cute pictures together. Those were the times I missed so much, the times where we didn’t do anything spectacular and enjoyed each other’s company; that’s what I wanted again and that’s why I was only half a mile away from her.
You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been out of my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you
I was desperate to see her beautiful face again, I wanted to see her smile and I wanted to hear her infectious laugh, the laugh that always made my heart fill with joy and happiness.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do
I stopped as soon as I reached her door, contemplating whether or not to knock on it; it was nearly four in the morning now. Not caring who I woke up, I began pounding on the door, hoping that she’d answer it. It only took a minute for a light to turn on, a light that I’ve seen flick on many times whenever I came to see her at night. I waited, impatiently tapping my foot on her doorstep before the door finally swung open. I could tell that she was peacefully sleeping because her eyes were barely open and she was constantly yawning. I wondered if she knew that I was the one who woke her up out of her sleep, but I didn’t have to wonder for long.
Her eyes were open and on me now. She had a look of surprise, confusion, and something else … anger and hurt. Seeing her this way made my heart ache worse than it was before and all I wanted was to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay, that I was here to stay this time. It wasn’t long after my thoughts had passed that she spoke.
“Harry, what are you doing here? Its damn near 4 o’clock in the morning and you wake me up for what reason? I thought you made it clear on my birthday that I wasn’t good enough for you so why are you standing on my doorstep?” she asked with fury.
“I, I-“ was all I could muster.
“You what Harry? Did you come here to tell me that you’re sorry and that you never meant to hurt me the way you did? That you never wanted to break my heart and make me fall for you? You made me feel like I was nothing, Harry, and I’ve been living with that feeling ever since you left.” She exclaimed as tears started to fall.
I never knew that was how she felt and now I really felt like an asshole. I knew it wasn’t the right time for me to speak so I waited until she was ready to finish.
“I’ve sat in my room, crying every night because I thought you loved me and that what we had was real. Guess I was wrong for thinking that huh? I feel so stupid for ever believing in you and your lies. Congratulations for making me look like a fool, Harry. It’s been nice knowi-” was all she could get out before I brought her lips to mine and kissed her like I did when we were together.
I slowly pulled away from her, wondering if she felt the sparks that I still did. When I opened my eyes, I saw hers closed. I waited for her to open them and made sure she was listening to what I had to say before I began.
“I never meant to hurt you Jenna. I broke up with you because I didn’t know what was happening to me. Cher came onto me that week and I didn’t know how to feel afterwards, she reminded me so much of you that I couldn’t help myself but to think I felt something for her. I know now that I was wrong and I was stupid for ever believing that something was there. I don’t know – I guess I was scared too. I was scared of getting too serious with you because I didn’t want you to break my heart. I’ve had that happen in the past and I didn’t want it to happen again. I doubted you and I know I shouldn’t have because I know you loved me truly and I fucked up. Like I told you that day, I loved you then and I love you now. I ran 10 miles with the hopes of you coming around and forgiving me. I love everything about you and I miss you so much. I promise with everything I have that I’m here to stay this time, only if you take me back because I don’t know what I’d do without you or how I lasted this long without you by my side. Jenna I love you with everything I have in me and I would do anything for you to believe that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and spend those years filling our lives with laughter and happiness because that’s all I need with you” I exclaimed, not knowing what was going to happen.
It took her a few seconds to take in all that I told her. I didn’t know what to expect after everything I put her through, but I was praying that everything I said made a difference. I looked up at her and saw her putting a stray piece of hair behind her ear before she began.
“You really ran 10 miles at this time of day to tell me this” she questioned.
“Yes, and I’d ran 1000 more because that’s how much I love you. I would do absolutely anything for you” I said, desperate for her to believe me.
“Would you really do absolutely anything” she questioned with a sly look on her face.
“Of course I would” I reassured her.
“Kiss me”
I was surprised to hear those words and it took me a few seconds to realize what she said. I looked her in the eyes and gently pulled her into me. A flicker of a smile flashed across her face. I tucked her hair behind her ear once again and slowly pulled her lips to mine. This kiss wasn’t like any other that we had before; this kiss was one full of promises, promises that I intended to keep for as long as I lived.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
As I thought about this, a smile began to form on my face. I continued along the long, narrow road just thinking about the good times I had on tour. One of them stood out the most to me, the day I met Her.
Flashback
We were just getting back from a concert in California, our last concert to be exact, and I was extremely exhausted. I quickly ran up the stairs of the home I bought six months ago for when we were in the States. I changed into my pajamas, and tried to get some sleep after the long day I had. With no luck after an hour of sitting in my bed, I decided to go out for a walk. I changed into some sweatpants and a jumper and threw on my tennis shoes. I didn’t know where I was headed; I just let my feet take me wherever they lead me. A few minutes later, I began to feel my feet sink into something. I stopped and lifted my head up. Turns out, my feet lead me to the ocean a few blocks from my house. I began walking along the shoreline when I saw a figure in the distance. As I got closer, I noticed it was a girl sitting with her knees pulled into her chest, just staring out into the ocean. I took off my socks and shoes and silently walked beside her and sat down. She didn’t even bother to turn her head, shift her body, or speak a word as I looked at her. Just as I was about to stand up and leave, she spoke.
“You know, sometimes I pray to be like the ocean with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more I want the consistency rather than the highs and lows though” she said.
“What do you mean by that” I asked her in interest.
“I mean that sometimes I just want my life to go smoothly with that occasional bump in the road. I just want to know what to expect and just go along with it instead of being really happy one minute then down in the dumps the next. I want everything to be the same day by day so I won’t get hurt again” she said looking at me for the first time.
“Oh” was all I managed to say.
After a minute of awkward silence I grabbed the courage to ask her something I probably shouldn’t have asked her.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”
For a couple of seconds she was quiet, but then took in a deep breath and let it out.
“My boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. He told me he was going to hang with the guys, but I caught them kissing while they were having lunch together”
“Well I’m sorry to hear that. My hearts been broken before also. The girl I’ve dated for two years cheated on me with my best friend and left me for him. I actually thought we were going to last forever, but I guess she didn’t”
“Wow, that really blows”
“It does, but I got through it. I know this is probably a dumb question, but are you going to be okay? I mean, it doesn‘t look like you’re going to be fine anytime soon”
“I’m fine, really” she said looking back out at the water.
“Are you sure” I asked her because the look on her face was unsure.
“No, I just tell myself that to get me through the day” she replied with a small smile.
“Well I know how to bring your spirits up”
“Oh yeah, how’s that” she asked.
I got up and splashed water on her and quickly began to run away. I laughed as she opened her mouth in disbelief before getting up and chasing after me.
“When I catch you, you are so dead” she screamed after me.
“Only if you can catch me” I said while laughing.
It felt like I was running forever, but in reality it was only a minute before I stopped. She quickly caught up to me and tackled me to the ground. We began to roll around as she tried to attack me. Suddenly I felt a rush of cold take over my body and liquid surrounding me. She let go of me and I began to swim to the top of the surface. When I got there I didn’t see her. I looked around frantically, but there was no sight of her. All of a sudden, I felt something on my ankles and I was dragged underneath the water once again. This time when I came up, I saw her swimming back to shore laughing. I followed in pursuit as she reached the shore. Once I was out of the water, I walked over to her and sat down beside her.
“You were right” she said while looking at the sky.
“About what” I questioned not really knowing what she had me to thank for.
“About that helping me. I do feel better now. Thank you. For helping me get through this when you didn’t have to”
“It’s no problem love. I love helping people when they need a pick me up” I said.
For a while we just sat there and looked at the stars and the moon. It was getting a little late and chilly, seeing as we were wet from head to toe.
“We should head back. It’s getting late and quite frankly, I’m cold” I said as I stood up and extended my hand for her to take.
“That sounds like a good idea” she said taking my hand as we walked back to where we met and got our things.
“Do you mind if I walk you home” I asked politely.
“It’s fine. I live a few minutes from here” she said and began to walk.
“I don’t think so. I’m not going to let a lady walk alone at this time of night even if she lives two seconds away”
“Fine. Come on” she said and led the way to her house.
It turns out she did live a few minutes away from the beach and she lived around the corner from me. I walked her to her porch and waited for her to go inside. To my surprise she just stood there. She turned around and looked at me with a sincere smile on her face.
“Thank you. I really appreciate everything you did for me-”
“Harry”
“Harry. I had a really nice time. I‘m Jenna by the way”
“Well I’m glad you enjoyed yourself Jenna. Goodnight”
“Night” she said and walked inside her house.
With a smile plastered on my face, I walked away.
End Flashback
As the memory of her faded, I felt a huge pang in my heart. At first I didn’t know why I felt it, but then Jenna’s face appeared in front of me. I knew I made a mistake and I was accepting the fact that it was my fault. I began to turn around to tell her that what I did was wrong. Suddenly, smoke began to come out of the hood of the car and I slowly came to a stop. I balled my hands into fists and placed them on my face. I smashed my hands on the steering wheel in frustration. Looking to the side of me, I realized I was only 10 miles away from her.
There were no cars on the road considering it was almost 2 in the morning and I had taken the back roads. I debated on waiting to see if a car would show up but decided against it. I wasn’t going to wait around while the love of my life was just 10 miles away from me, 10 miles too far from where she should be.
Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Without hesitating I grabbed my cell phone, my wallet, my keys, and threw my hoodie on. I knew I had to go make things right with Jenna and a little rain and a broken down car ten miles away wasn’t going to stop me. I quickly got out of the car and began to run.
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'
I ran and ran through the rain, determined to get to her. As I ran in the direction of her house, more things about her flooded my mind. I could picture everything about her clearly. Her beautiful brown eyes with that loving look inside of them, her smile that always seemed to make me happy, her hair that flowed in the wind, and her laugh, oh her laugh was the best thing about her. Every time I heard it, it brought a smile to my face and butterflies to my stomach. The more I thought about her, the more I started to remember the good times we shared.
There was the time we went to the park and skated all day while getting to know one another, the time I won her a giant teddy bear at the fair, oh, and the time I surprised her with an infinity ring. Each and every one of those times had one thing in common, laughter. Not only laughter from her, but from me as well. We were so happy together back then. All I wanted right now was to be with her again, to live a life with happy times. I just wanted to be able to laugh with her once more.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
As I ran and got closer and closer to her, I remembered the reason I was running in the first place. It was my fault that we weren’t together, it was my fault she’d been so unhappy and was crying, and it was my fault that my heart as well as hers ached the way they did. Everything seemed to be my fault. The more I ran, the clearer the memory in my head became and suddenly, the day I walked out entered my mind.
Flashback
We just got off of our tour with Cher Lloyd and were headed back home. I was on the bus with Cher and her family; turns out they were renting a house just a few houses down from us. I had to admit, it was nice getting to know her and her family and hang out with someone my own age for once. She was a very laid back and down-to-earth kind of girl who loved to ride horses and go out for hikes. Most girls hated to get dirty and always wanted to do things like shop, but not her. She was different and I enjoyed that about her. I was looking at her closely; whenever she listened to someone intently, she rested her head on her chin, every time she smiled, her eyes would twinkle, and whenever she felt comfortable, she would sigh and tuck a piece of stray hair behind her ear, all things that Jenna did.
My gaze was broken when I heard her excuse us and she grabbed my hand, leading me to the back of the bus. We both sat on the couch side by side. I watched as she grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channels, trying to find something good to put on. She settled on The Notebook five minutes later. I didn’t like anyone knowing that I actually liked chick flicks and romance movies, but when Jenna came around, my pride flew out the window. Not too long into the movie, she settled into my side and instinctively, I wrapped my arms around her frame. It was so weird how much she resembled Jenna; she had the same sparkling eyes, the same flowing hair, and the same adorable smile. If I didn’t know any better, I’d mistake her for Jenna every single time. As I thought about all of this, I noticed her looking up at me, the same way Jenna did and before I knew it, her lips were on mine. It took me a few seconds to register what was happening and when I did, I quickly pulled away.
I looked at her and she looked exactly like Jenna, but then I remembered the kiss; it was nothing like that of Jenna’s so I knew my eyes were fooling me. I shut my eyes tightly, put my hands to my face and tried to shake what had just happened from my mind. When I looked up, I saw Cher looking at me in confusion. I knew I had to explain my actions to her.
“I’m so sorry Cher, I just can’t do this. I have a girlfriend back at home. You’re a wonderful girl and I enjoyed getting to know you, but this is wrong. I’m sorry if I strung you along and made you believe something that just isn’t true; you just remind me so much of her and seeing as we haven’t seen each other in 3 months, I let myself believe that you were her. I’m really sorry” I said before getting off of the couch and going back to the rest of the family.
***
It was the Saturday after the whole Cher incident. I had to admit, it was nice spending time with her and having someone around all of the time, but things are not the same after what happened between us.
Jenna didn’t know that we were coming home a week early; I wanted to surprise her for her birthday so I made sure that nobody told her, especially Louis. Her parents were throwing her a surprise party for her 19th birthday and me being there was also supposed to be a surprise for her. I’ve been waiting for this night for more than a month, but today I just didn’t feel the excitement I had before and the next 30 seconds didn’t make it any better.
A sullen look came across my face after I saw a text from Cher.
I’m really sorry about the other night, but I couldn’t help myself. I’ve had feelings for you since we started rehearsing for the tour and I wish there could be something more between us … a deeper connection if you know what I mean ;)
At this point, I didn’t know what to do; I loved Jenna so much, but Cher draws me to her physically and the temptation was getting the best of me. So many things were racing through my mind at once and I couldn’t bear it anymore. I stormed up the stairs to my room and plopped onto my bed. I took my iPod off of my nightstand and fell asleep as the sound of The Beatles flooded my ears and my thoughts.
When I woke up 3 and a half hour later, I realized I had overslept and was late for Jenna’s party. I picked up the phone and called her mom to let her know that I was running late and that I would be there soon. Once I got off of the phone, I jumped in the shower and raced to wash away the guilt and regret I was feeling. After 10 minutes of useless scrubbing, I hopped out and put on a blue button up shirt and my black dress pants and dress shoes. I left my hair the way it was and I grabbed my wallet, my keys, and my phone and I was out the door, racing to Jenna’s house.
As I approached her house, I picked up my phone to call her. I heard the other line ring 3 times before I heard someone answer.
“Hey Harry! What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it for your birthday. This tour is just so crazy.”
“It’s alright; you don’t have to worry about it. We can hang out when you get back.”
“That sounds great,” I said before ringing the bell.
“Hold on, there’s someone at my door” she said as I heard her get up from the couch.
As I waited for her to open the door and see the smile that I’ve longed to see, I felt guilty once more. Fortunately, that guilt was short lived when I heard her scream and felt her body against mine.
“I missed you so much babe. I love you” I exclaimed before taking her hand and walking her into her home.
For about an hour or so we talked about the tour and got to catch up on those 3 months that we missed sharing together. We were interrupted when her mom told us that it was time to cut the cake. We walked hand in hand into the kitchen and I watched intently as everyone around sang ‘Happy Birthday’. Once she blew out her candles, I headed to her back porch and sat on the porch swing. I knew I was alone outside for at least 10 minutes, just thinking about everything that happened within the week. It didn’t occur to me that someone had sat down beside me until I felt someone nudged at my leg.
“Hey babe, what’s going on?” Jenna asked me with a concerned look in her eyes.
“I just haven’t felt like myself lately.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t want to bring you down and ruin your special night.” I said as I turned my head and decided to look at a tree instead.
“It’s okay Harry. I told you that I’d be there for you whenever you needed someone so talk to me.”
“I don’t think that you’re the one I need to talk to right now though.”
“What do you mean?” she said as she pulled away from me a just a bit.
I took a deep breath and sighed before I continued.
“I just don’t know how I feel anymore. I mean I love you, but-” I said as I trailed off.
“But what?”
“But I think I need to get my feelings straight. I’m not being fair to you or to me and I don’t think that right now is our time. I don’t think that we’re right for each other and we’re both just wasting our time staying together.” I lied as I hung my head low.
She didn’t even speak a word after the things that I said to her, all I felt was the wind hitting the side of my face that she was previously on. I know that what I said wasn’t true, at least not all of it. I knew that we were meant to be and that we were meant for each other, but it was easier to tell her that we weren’t than to tell her that there was sort of someone else. I wanted to run after her, but it was already too late and something was just holding me back.
End Flashback
I thought about the day that I ended the relationship I had with Jenna and broke the only girl’s heart that mattered as I ran to her. It was burning in the back of my mind and it felt like whenever I was happy and content with the way things were, it came back full circle and reminded me that I shouldn’t be happy when she isn’t.
Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I know that I lied when I said you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
As I reached the 2 mile mark, I began reminiscing on all of the times we shared. It killed me to know that I ended it all because of feelings that I thought I had for Cher; short lived feelings might I add.
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you
Flashback
After breaking up with Jenna, I texted Cher letting her know that I was on my way over. Of course she was eager for me to come and told me that she’d be waiting. When I reached her house, she was waiting on her front steps for me. As I came closer, she engulfed me in a bone crushing hug and led me upstairs to her room. Just as my whole body entered her room, she closed her door and flung herself on me. Caught up in the moment, I went along with it. I lifted her up and carried her to the bed where we continued to caress each other and fight for dominance with our tongues. I had to admit that I was surprised at how good she tasted, it was a different taste than Jenna had and it intrigued me.
Cher wasn’t one of those girls that hid her sexuality and her promiscuity and right now I loved that. I needed something to ease the pain and she was the perfect solution. I started ripping off her clothes as she took off my shirt. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the red, lace bra and panties that she had on. It turned me on even more than I was before and I knew she could tell. I lowered my pants, wanting to give the impatient bulge in my pants some room to breathe. Our hips began to move hard and fast against each other. She knew what she was doing, there was no doubt about it, and I wanted to know what else she knew, but I stopped moving when I felt her hands slide between my boxers, trying to take them off.
“I don’t want this to be just sexual for us right now. I want you to say that you’ll be with me before anything else happens.”
“Of course I will.” She said before sliding her hand onto the throbbing piece of flesh that belonged to me and we went back to what we were doing before.
***
I woke up the next morning reflecting on the previous night. Nothing crazy happened, we just explored each other’s bodies; she gave me the most amazing hand job I’ve ever experienced and I made sure that my fingers pleasured her more than she ever has been. My thoughts were interrupted when I heard her voice ring through my ears.
“Even though we didn’t go all the way, you were amazing last night” she said with a smile on her face
“So were you.” I said with a chuckle
She laughed too and something in me just didn’t feel right. I’ve wanted to hear her laugh since that night on the bus, but now that I hear it, it didn’t feel right. Her laugh didn’t make me want to smile or to laugh along with her, it made me feel … disgusted; not with her, but with myself. I let the best girl that ever walked into my life slip away and now I had nothing to show for it, but someone that I could be momentarily pleasured by. When I thought about it, that’s not what I wanted at all. I wanted someone who could make me happy and make me smile and laugh without having to jump my bones … I wanted Jenna back.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
***
A week didn’t even pass before we broke up; apparently I wasn’t good enough for her so she moved on to some new guy. It’s not like I really even cared, to be honest, I was happy that she ended it because I didn’t know how much more I could take of her coming onto me every minute of every day. She was too aggressive for me, I was used to the calm and gentle nature of Jenna and I don’t think that anyone would be able to even compare to her. They may be able to fill in that missing piece for a few days, but they couldn’t permanently fill the void.
End Flashback
It’s been 6 months since Cher and I ended whatever we had and I’ve had that much time to reflect on the things that I screwed up during that time span. It seems like everything that has gone right in my life; I somehow managed to screw up. I remember those times when Jenna and I would go to the park and just sit on the swings and talk about the most pointless things and when we would go get ice cream whenever the other was feeling down. I also remember those days when we would just stay in and cuddle with one another, taking silly but cute pictures together. Those were the times I missed so much, the times where we didn’t do anything spectacular and enjoyed each other’s company; that’s what I wanted again and that’s why I was only half a mile away from her.
You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been out of my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you
I was desperate to see her beautiful face again, I wanted to see her smile and I wanted to hear her infectious laugh, the laugh that always made my heart fill with joy and happiness.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do
I stopped as soon as I reached her door, contemplating whether or not to knock on it; it was nearly four in the morning now. Not caring who I woke up, I began pounding on the door, hoping that she’d answer it. It only took a minute for a light to turn on, a light that I’ve seen flick on many times whenever I came to see her at night. I waited, impatiently tapping my foot on her doorstep before the door finally swung open. I could tell that she was peacefully sleeping because her eyes were barely open and she was constantly yawning. I wondered if she knew that I was the one who woke her up out of her sleep, but I didn’t have to wonder for long.
Her eyes were open and on me now. She had a look of surprise, confusion, and something else … anger and hurt. Seeing her this way made my heart ache worse than it was before and all I wanted was to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay, that I was here to stay this time. It wasn’t long after my thoughts had passed that she spoke.
“Harry, what are you doing here? Its damn near 4 o’clock in the morning and you wake me up for what reason? I thought you made it clear on my birthday that I wasn’t good enough for you so why are you standing on my doorstep?” she asked with fury.
“I, I-“ was all I could muster.
“You what Harry? Did you come here to tell me that you’re sorry and that you never meant to hurt me the way you did? That you never wanted to break my heart and make me fall for you? You made me feel like I was nothing, Harry, and I’ve been living with that feeling ever since you left.” She exclaimed as tears started to fall.
I never knew that was how she felt and now I really felt like an asshole. I knew it wasn’t the right time for me to speak so I waited until she was ready to finish.
“I’ve sat in my room, crying every night because I thought you loved me and that what we had was real. Guess I was wrong for thinking that huh? I feel so stupid for ever believing in you and your lies. Congratulations for making me look like a fool, Harry. It’s been nice knowi-” was all she could get out before I brought her lips to mine and kissed her like I did when we were together.
I slowly pulled away from her, wondering if she felt the sparks that I still did. When I opened my eyes, I saw hers closed. I waited for her to open them and made sure she was listening to what I had to say before I began.
“I never meant to hurt you Jenna. I broke up with you because I didn’t know what was happening to me. Cher came onto me that week and I didn’t know how to feel afterwards, she reminded me so much of you that I couldn’t help myself but to think I felt something for her. I know now that I was wrong and I was stupid for ever believing that something was there. I don’t know – I guess I was scared too. I was scared of getting too serious with you because I didn’t want you to break my heart. I’ve had that happen in the past and I didn’t want it to happen again. I doubted you and I know I shouldn’t have because I know you loved me truly and I fucked up. Like I told you that day, I loved you then and I love you now. I ran 10 miles with the hopes of you coming around and forgiving me. I love everything about you and I miss you so much. I promise with everything I have that I’m here to stay this time, only if you take me back because I don’t know what I’d do without you or how I lasted this long without you by my side. Jenna I love you with everything I have in me and I would do anything for you to believe that. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and spend those years filling our lives with laughter and happiness because that’s all I need with you” I exclaimed, not knowing what was going to happen.
It took her a few seconds to take in all that I told her. I didn’t know what to expect after everything I put her through, but I was praying that everything I said made a difference. I looked up at her and saw her putting a stray piece of hair behind her ear before she began.
“You really ran 10 miles at this time of day to tell me this” she questioned.
“Yes, and I’d ran 1000 more because that’s how much I love you. I would do absolutely anything for you” I said, desperate for her to believe me.
“Would you really do absolutely anything” she questioned with a sly look on her face.
“Of course I would” I reassured her.
“Kiss me”
I was surprised to hear those words and it took me a few seconds to realize what she said. I looked her in the eyes and gently pulled her into me. A flicker of a smile flashed across her face. I tucked her hair behind her ear once again and slowly pulled her lips to mine. This kiss wasn’t like any other that we had before; this kiss was one full of promises, promises that I intended to keep for as long as I lived.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
